Kat Luvs Macs
Okay okay, so sorry about the bitter Mac IE comment. What I MEANT to say was, Curse microsoft for making a shitty product and refusing to even build it to work half-assedly on Macs! Macs are generall as functional, if not more, than PCs. And they come in fruity colors. What's not to love?

So... Brainless..
Well, another mindless day. At least Cyberpunk was cancelled... it gave me more time to slack off. Or, spend endless hours working on my VisComm Project.

I went to the Oregon Voice meeting (as I usually do, due to some moral obligation). Apparently, they were pleased with my bitchin advertising skills and also with the computer I provided them, so they gave me copious amounts of bad beer. MmMmMmm... I wish I drank beer, I'm sure I'd be thrilled.

Oh yeah, and if you have a mac, sorry about all the non-working java popups. It's your retarded computer's fault, not mine. I'm working on it slowly but surely, and a re-evaluation of all my personal stats... it was too unprofessional-looking the other way.

I've been working on web projects a lot lately and it's made me realized how extremely poorly the table template for this blog is constructed. It's made solely of tables inside tables. No wonder it's so friggin hard to work with!

Off to bed with me. I feel numb and tired.

SoTM:
Poe- Haunted.

Get this one. It's pretty.

A Concerned Citizen
An interesting thing happened just now. I was in the kitchen cleaning and was startled by the doorbell ringing. Hadn't the 5:30 house showing cancelled?

I opened the door and there was a guy standing there looking a little nervous. This wasn't the 5:30 showing. Her name was Jessica. I am confused.

"Have you got any kitty cats?" the guy says. Now I'm more than confused.

"Uh, yeah..." I say. I was wondering what the hell he was selling or if he was going to be freaky... but he starts to explain that last night he was driving down our street and hit a grey and black tabby who just sort-of ran away from the car. He was checking the houses see if all the cats were okay. Rupert is the only non-orange tabby I know of in the area and he seems fine. Still, I showed him to the guy and he doesn't think it was him. Still, there are plenty of cats that wander in and out of the area.

Honestly, I'm impressed. . Some random guy really cares enough about kitties to hunt for a hit-and-run the day after? And he has the balls to go house to house and check on the cat? Wow. There may just be hope for the world; unless he stole something while I wasn't looking, but I don't think he did. I wonder, what did he hope to get out of his search? Did he just want to make sure kitty was okay? Did he want to offer compensation? Both of these seem pretty humble to me.

Way to go, random guy! Karma points for you!

Guns n' Butter
So, Icchan, you may be interested in this story. It's old hat by now but I thought I'd recount it for those of you not in the dorms. That, and I forgot about it until just now.

So Friday, I'm sitting at work in the Math building [yay] when I get an IM from Cat. She confuses me greatly by going off on a rant about kids with guns. She explains that she was just now let back into her room, as when she returned from class she found the dorms evacuated and the National Guard roping off Hamilton Complex. I don't know the whole story, but apparently some bozo was running around with a BB gun and people freaked the hell out and called the cops. Not just the cops, the fucking Guard and there were guys with freaking elephant stunners walking around campus. I guess the poor, stupid kid isn't getting charged with anything but it's still sad that it had to happen. Duh, don't wave your toys around and we won't have to call in people with bigger ones to sit your ass down. Rumors were all over about a hostage situation and suicide and things like that but it turns out that the kid let the feds search his room and all they found was an air gun or bb gun or something like that.

It's not even so much that people can't handle their weapons as the fact that they can't handle how people will react to them. Fear is a strong emotion. Ya gotta anticipate this.

w00t
Heh heh...
For you, Cat...

SNORK! SNORK!


Don't ask...
I am having WAY too much fun with Justin's digital. It's a Nikon CoolPix 950. I take it everywhere... it does everything. Mmmm. Except it sucks batteries like your mom. Or something. That's kind of annoying. Anyway, I love it. I might not give it back. I certainly use it more than him ; )

And hey! Justin has a weblog now! (like I said... let's all jump off a cliff!) But he's ashamed because he lacks mad HTML skillz so he won't tell me where it is. Everyone, stalk him!

Mechanic Gaze
Working on a project for J204... "photojournalism" at its best. We walked through the Land of the Living (playground) and the Land of the Dead (cemetary).

This picture was taken somewhere in between...

What's that over there?!?

See the final results:

Clare

Zach

Secrets and Lies
Although I try to love, sometimes I lie. Sometimes it takes my subconscious to show me I am unhappy. Sometimes it takes my subconscious to show me my hidden happiness. It is these concealed secrets that are the true real in life, that guide every day and take it from one place to the next: from up to down, from regression to progression, from sun to rain.

I share a covert smile now for things past, things that are, and things that will always be.

This is my secret; this is my lie.
SoTM: Delerium- Terra Firma It kind of goes with the above post.

Letting Go
I wrote a whole post last night after coming back from coffee and before going to campus. Unfortunately, Blogger seems to be having some trouble with my FTP so I lost the whole thing and have been unable to update this morning. Anyway, I�m feeling unproductive so I�ll do my best to recount the jist of the whole thing and add anything else that�s on my mind.

When I was talking to Alex, an instant from this past summer came to mind. It wasn�t something I had thought about for a long while, but the poignancy of it stuck with me long after I told him about it. It was a holy moment, and one where I was the most free I have ever been in my life.

I was descending Mt. Piegan, the first peak I�d ever summitted, at Glacier National Park this last August. The exhilaration of making it to the top stuck with me as we were going down the mountain, even though I was tired. We had just climbed down the largest cliffs at the top of the mountain (we being Justin, Karl, and Tim, Justin�s dad�) and were coming to a slope of scree and smaller step cliffs. I was descending one of these cliffs, my mind nowhere in particular, my body pressed up flat against the rock face, when I realized that the step that I was in the process of taking wasn�t going to sustain my balance. Instead of freezing and panicking, as I�d always assumed I would do in a potentially damaging situation where I�d screwed up, a weird calm came over me. I thought �oh, I�m falling,� and let go. Now, it wasn�t a long way to fall, really, but I could picture any number of critically bad things happening: my feet would hit the flat at the bottom and I�d fall backwards down the slope, I�d twist and hurt my head or break my leg. All these things went through my head when I let go (primarily I wondered about my head) but for some reason they didn�t concern me, they just were.

In that moment, when I let go of the wall, I let go of control completely and I let the universe have me. I knew if I fell wrong I could be really hurt, but I couldn�t do anything about it. I had no regrets. I didn�t fall forever and I didn�t hit bottom. There was enough time for me to think a few things and for me to react and when I reacted, I reacted naturally. I was utterly and totally loose. I reached out and grabbed the rock face, planting my hands and feet and finding I was suddenly stable just above the ground.


After that, I could barely walk there was so much adrenaline in my system. I was giddy, much to the chagrin of those who were watching, and feeling even more ecstatic than before. I was amazed at the freedom of my existence, of that moment of knowing and accepting. I knew I would fly if I thought I could but also that if I fell, I would fall.

It was a funny instant, one that has stuck with me more than any other similar moment of relinquished control. I am a very controlling person, a free spirit but also a �mother� figure. In this time when I�m sparring with my housemates, landlords, and the world for a secure hold on my life, it was important to be reminded of the hand of the cosmos in the way things will be. There is a balance, to be sure, between controlling your life and letting it be as it is. I want to KNOW my life and to be me� but I also try to understand that being an active participant in my existence does not mean I am always at the wheel.

This was a truly Holy Moment, one freed from all linear limitations. I want another right now. I want to find myself away from society and domesticity and the search for shelter.

People are strange. And I am strange, too, I am finding. Aside from the obvious connotation of seeking a basic need that this housing situation implies, I am also discovering my own desire for domesticity, for a higher quality of living, for nice things in a nice place and a stable home with an appearance of quality. It makes me wonder, why does this matter to me? Why do I care about things or who I live with or finding a nice apartment? I am me� I am not my belongings. And yet, somehow, it is impossible to remove myself from my lifestyle now that I have begun to establish it. There is no one to take care of me. I like taking care of myself but I get caught up in it. It owns me sometimes. It makes me ashamed not to be free. It makes me obsessed with control. I want to know myself but not through my possessions.

Is there another way?

Time to go take some photographs�

Some Small Prayers
Talking to God...
Today I went to look at Chase. Seems like a nice place to live. However, landlords are saying no to moving Liz in this month so I can't move out now and may miss the unilts that I like and the sweet lease deal I can get on them now. Anyway, at least they'll be doing some of the work... I can rest easier.

Damn, something like this always has to come up and "become" my life. Last term it was info hell. This term it's the freaking house. Pfeh.

I am thankful for my friends who have been thorougly supportful. I didn't realize there were so many of you!! Love to Blake and Charles and Rachel and Sarah and Cat and Murray! Mwah!!

Also, my prayers [sans religious connotation... I am a recovered Christian ; )] go out to Murray who is on the road to an from Moscow, Idaho this weekend, driving by himself. I hope you had fun, babe, and made it home safe!!!

Now I go walk through the Land of the Dead to talk to Alex and maybe find my mind amongst this madness.

Yum
Mmm... weed smoke from Reilly's room. Charming.

Unending Compromise

Head like a hole/ Black as your soul/ I'd rather die/ Than give you control
Bow down before the one you serve/ you're going to get what you deserve...
SoTM: Nine Inch Nails- Head Like A Hole


Hey, I needed to vent to someone and you happen to be the person I can rant most lucidly to. Feel flattered I guess. Or, feel abused. Just tell me, please, what is wrong with people? Is no one I know capable of acting like an adult and not vacating responsibility? I speak here mostly of Kim, Reilly and Ty. Ali, though she was a Nazi Bitch to me [and I to her], showed maturity in things. Even mature bitchiness. Kim vacated before finding someone to take over her lease. She paid two rents this month and will do the same next month, as it works out. Reilly insists he didn't listen to what he was told, acts like a teenage boy, and refuses to take responsibility. Tyler is just a drifter and tries to leave no mark... better than pain I suppose but stupid in the long run. I really have no idea how he expects to find a replacement without doing any work. He's supposedly going to Italy with family come April. They haven't even bought tickets yet.

No, I don't need a hug. Right now I spurn hugs. The quills are up and I will draw blood. I am tired, I am frustrated and I am still trying. For every solution I have, someone find another way to fuck me over. I will find another solution. I will get fucked again. I am getting angry. For those of you who haven't really seen me angry: It isn't pretty. I like to talk things over. I will compromise to every extent I feel comfortable but after that it's tooth and nail. I will not BE compromised. I will retain my integrity. [note: this is a fancy way of saying, "I will get my way."] I don't like confrontations, I don't like to fight. But I will fight, and dirty. I'm too assertive to be screwed by a bunch of losers.

So fuck you to all those who are trying to damage me. I need control in my life and I refuse to give it to some idiots. It's getting ridiculous. After someone has crossed the line with me, for every hurt they deal I will deal another equal blow right back.

Going in for the kill.

Me Like Cookie!!
Oh happy day! The nice girlscouts sold me cookies even though I was short a quarter! : ) Today some girls, one of whom I SWEAR I know, (and I think I know from where) are coming by to look at the house. They need a place to live my March 1st. If all goes well and I can sell the deal, they'll take over me and Tyler's leases and we'll move out and go to Chase Village or Rivers' Edge Townhomes and rent a 2 bedroom. He'd stay until April when he leaves for Italy and Justin comes down. Otherwise, I'll have to find a replacement to take over the lease next month. Honestly, I'd rather have it done with, but it feels rushed. I'm going apartment hunting this weekend and Blake might drive me around. (thanks ; )

The ironic thing is that Kim, who moved out at the beginning of this month because she found a place that she likes, still hasn't gotten a replacement. Thus, she feels she gets "first dibs" on people we find. I feel sympathetic because it means she'll pay two rents... but, honestly, my spite for her moving out at all overpowers that. I'm looking out for myself just like she did. Screw and be screwed, baby. If Ty agrees with Kim, one of the girls (assuming they even want to rent) can take her lease and the other can take mine. The only problem with this scenario is that it leaves me to rent a 2 bedroom by myself for a month... though I'm sure I could get help there. The other option would be for both ty and kim to take replacements and for me to keep looking for next month. But, like I said, I'm willing to compromise but not BE compromised... and living with 3 strangers, even though they might be these cool girls, is not really okay with me.

Ah, I forgot
I got the Dream post working, so you weren't locked out if your password didn't work when you tried it. Again, be warned of content and view at your own discretion. Turns out I was a dork and the file permissions were somehow set wrong on the server. Mrr.

Boy howdy, and this is sinking to a new internet low for me but, if you want, here are a few pics of me. Only recent decent photos in existence... that aren't ... erm...

Pic One Pic Two

I HAVE RETURNED!!!
or, the ultimate in randomness
Hee hee hee... back to multiple posts a day! my normal random thoughts are returning. This is not to say that moving out of my house because Reilly is a dick is not like being raped in the ass. I can think of more fun things to do but, just like any other project, I'll get into moving out and make sure it all goes right and has the best possible outcome.

Spaz... but at least I have a forum to rant about things in. I am not a Blogaholic, however.
[52 points is in the 51 through 80 precent
You are a dedicated weblogger. You post frequently because you enjoy weblogging a lot, yet you still manage to have a social life. You're the best kind of weblogger. Way to go!] yay me.

Only slightly addicted...Writing is how I vent. though I do prefer not to gossip... demo....

I just biked by Professor Newton. She was walking with another woman and flailing her arms and making burbling noises with her mouth. I guess this just proves she's an idiot outside of class as well as in.

On the subject of weblogs, I just found the weblog of Wesley from Star Trek! *cackles* he's so cute!! And he's talking about cat pee!

Even Rupaul has one. Let's all jump off a cliff!

Misery
I had a plant. Well, I have lots of plants. But I liked this one. She was a grape-leafed ivy. Her name was Elizabeth.

Elizabeth has just been pronounced dead by the senate, the grand jury, God, my cat, and me.

Elizabeth was loved. She was treated well and watered.

I tried, Elizabeth, I really tried.

Still, She has left the mortal coil....Why did she die? Was it her time?

Rest in peace, Stanley will carry on in your honor.

Benedici.

Clearing the Air
Cat and I took a long walk tonight out to the Lincoln School apartments to meet with Marc Calgary, an independent publisher whose work I came upon several months ago while doing a review of Cypress. We might be working with him on one of his projects. : )

It's really nice to have a close girl friend again... it's been a long time since I've felt really at ease with anyone of my gender. It's amazing since Cat and I are so different and yet quintessentially the same on some level. It makes me very happy. : )

The Dream
Be warned, you may be a character. It is also very angry... don't take it personally. Err, well, take it personally, it's things I don't like to talk about. There's a lot of personal demons and guilt present in this story... but it was powerful enough to wake me shaken and make my day feel differently, so it's worth writing.
Dreamscape:2/20/02
The above is a private post. If you would like the guest password, please leave me a message.

This or That...
Taken from Life Uncommon.

January or July? July definitely. The darkness and old of January does bad things to me. After winter has been going for a month and a half, I just want it to be over. July might be the pinnacle of hot stickiness, but there's something sexy about that. I definitely prefer August or September, just for the beginning of fall [favorite season] but I'll take sun over gloom any day. (especially here where there's no snow) Plus, July just seems to permit so many more adventures.

Email or letters? I like to recieve letters... but the last time I got a REAL one, not just a card, was almost two years ago. Used to correspond via letters, now I correspond through email. I definitely prefer email for communication. Letters are more of a symbolic medium. I write them when I need to Say something. But I prefer email on a day-to-da basis.

Milk or orange juice? Milk, it does a body good. And it's nice with cookies.

Brunette or blond? I like my men brunettes and my women blonde. A blonde myself, somewhat unnaturally... not really sure what color it is anymore. Probably dishwater. Ickh.

Digital or film camera? Like letters, there is something infinitely more satisfying with holding an actual print in your hands and hearing the click-whir of a shutter as it opens and closes. Digital is nice because it allows for more flexible photo manipulation and instant gratification... but there is something really genuine about a good, GOOD old-fashioned 35-mm. I want one.

Camping or hotel? Camping!!! I love outdoors. When I sleep in hotels I always wonder about the people that were last there, in that bed, in that shower. It seems dirty and kind of creepy to me... unless it's a bed and breakfast or resort, I dislike the impersonality of hotels. Camping, really, is much dirtier but it's a natural, healthy dirt. I like grit in my nails and not showering and running naked into freezing cold lakes... and waking with the dawn to icicles on my eyelids and campfire escapes from mosquitos... yay... *loves camping! loves outside!*

Pencil or pen? Neither, keyboard. But if I write by hand I write with a pen... it's much smoother and they don't break as easily. That, and I don't have to look for a goodam sharpener.

Rollerblading or roller skating? Ppffh. Who skates four wheels any more? Blading, definitely. On Alki beach in seattle... but that's about the only place I enjoy it. I'm not the biggest fan of either.

Fly or drive? Drive. There's some romance to flying but usualy it's cramped and gets old after a few hours. I love road trips. I feel truly "free" while in transit. Especially driving with the music up and windows down, driving through an open stretch of state. The longer the drive and the more random stops, the better.

White or black? White.

Preconscious Fears
Boy, when I asked for Dreams last night, I really didn't know what I was getting into. I still can't control my dreams but often they are subtle and abstract. This one was, well, rather blunt and in-your face. I excepted something a little more philosophical of myself and less trite. I didn't expect to be assaulted with anger and fear.

I don't know.... when will I be at peace with my life? Will these things always haunt me? I guess that in dreams, I am at least allowed to succumb to pain, weakness and instinct. Thankfully, this time, it wasn't directed at me. It was a really profound dream... a lot of things dredged up directly from my Preconscious mind. I may write it down and put it in here later.

I know that when you have a dream about a person, your "real" perception of them changes, at least temporarily. Usually it's in intimate change, or even something unconscious. I sometimes find new delight in looking at people after dreaming of them. I feel like I know them better.
I don't like the way I know the people in this dream better, even myself.

And I have class with all of them today. Looking forward to that...

The Dream.
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Mind over Madness
I just saw Waking Life with Murray and Katie and ... well, I knew about half the people there, probably including the guy smoking weed in the theatre.
How could I come back and not write in the log?
To put it this way, I am and am not profoundly affected. On one hand, a large part of the beginning of the movie was the sort of artsy-fartsy "bad indie film" technique where someone throws their philosophy at you and you just sort of go "okay... hm." It's simply not very involving. On the other hand, most of it was good enough to convince me that I'm unsure whether I'm awake, dreaming, or dead right now.

I dream lucidly. Often. I see clocks whose numerals are distorted [and this bugs me to no end], I can't turn lights on in darkened rooms [usually indicitive of a lucid nightmare] and, when I was younger, I woke up repeatedly in dreams (also usually nightmares) and had to develop a technique as to how to wake for "real."

I have a feeling I'll dream strangely tonight. My reoccuring dreams have left me for the past few weeks... though having said that I may be visited. I look forward to it, I think I can grasp the outcome in my hands.

Waking life, all rotoscoping and imagery aside, was a good existential discussion. I am me. I am also a thousand reflections of me from others' eyes. I am no one. I am alone. I am independent of the universe but utterly dependent on science, god, and destiny. I am one with all things and only one in myself. Many conflicting images, but all essential unity.

I want a life lived of "holy moments." I want to meet people who will show me myself. I have met people who have shown me myself. I want to thank them. Mostly, I want to live unabashedly like I do in dreams. Would you really mind if I told you all my secrets; my hopes and fears, all my little lusts and self-indulgences? Would you like to know what I hate about you?

When I am asleep, none of this matters. I live by instinct. Live memories. Like the movie discusses, memories are dulled in day-to-day "waking life" so that you can function and not shit yourself when you get scared and associate it with something. In dreams, anything is real... but dreams are, fundamentally, real.

I like the guy with the gas can, the couple in bed, the tango dancer on the bridge... the pinball player. Oh, interestingly, one of the main vignette characters was Louis Black, [..wolf pup]... I'm not sure if it is the same guy as the comedian or not though.

I'm glad I didn't see the movie stoned, like most people there. I would've had to have been dragged home... (for the life of me I can't figure out the grammar in this sentence...) As it is, I'm 'spooked' enough, just like I was last night... if I say anything weird to you, please don't disregard it- now is the time when I mean things most wholeheartedly. Unfortunately for me, even when I'm drunk, I have the self restraint to usually not say these things. What's holding me back?

Life is, after all, just a dream....

Ohayo!!
Good morning, all. Just a quick entry before I head to class. The weekend was quite eventful and good, all things considered... though the negativity of the end of it is now overshadowing all the interesting things that happened.

Friday Justin and I walked home from the University. A suprise detour led us up into the Masonic Cemetary, down by 26th and Onyx. For some reason I was under the impression that this place was a private cemetary and there was no tresspassing. Was I ever wrong. The cemetary is situated on a large hill, so we climbed up to the top where there is a circular overlook. I got goosebumps just being there, it was a place of power. I could feel the energy of living and dead flowing through my fingertips, so I trailed them behind me in the fabric of the air. Eugene is a city blessed with many points of ley energy... it must be all the youth here. If you live in Eugene, I would recommend you go check this place out. It's the most non-christian cemetary I've ever seen. There are amazing gravestones with Japanese and tribal characters carved on them. Pretty much every famous Eugene citizen is buried here. All the dead guys that streets and every building on campus are named after have their graves here. You can walk over the body of Eugene Skinned himself. It's pretty cool. That, and the Mausoleum at the bottom of the hill gives me chills. It's the biggest tomb I've ever seen.

I had a wonderful dinner out at Chanterelle, one of Eugene's nicest restaurants. It was small and cozy, the food was nice (if not expensive), they didn't card for alcohol (and they let us itno the bar after dinner), and both the chef and host were very amiable. It was an extremely enjoyable evening!

Saturday, I had to go shopping to replace most of the Kitchen, since Kim was moving out. Remind me to elaborate on the scenario with my roomates later. After hitting up Goodwill, we went to give blood at the bloodmobile outside the neighboring Saturn dealership. Dontaing blood is something I've always wanted to do but never been able to. Right after I turned 18 here, I was blacklisted because I mentioned my heart arythmea. I've since been cleared but didn't have the time to donate. But... I finally got to and I felt so benevolent! After all, I have so much blood and I can make more... why not let someone else have it? All went well for me but I wish I could say the same for poor Justin. Heh heh. He turned pretty much green and had to stay in the chair for half an hour. That'll teach him to drink more H20!! Okay, I promise I won't laugh at you any more, hon, but I had to write a tribute to your moment of weakness. ; ) [he almost vomited] But, we got a free CD out of it and some cookies and juice. All was not lost.

Anyhow, it's off to Journalistic hell with me... I'm cutting the entry short, but I will write more later.

Violets are.... blue?

I stole this from Dini who stole it from Sam. And DAMN does it have a lot of html for such a little table.... why didn't they just make it a .gif??

VIOLET You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and belive strongly in your personal morals. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Wheel of Time
Thankfully, the busy week is coming to a close. In one hour I will be able to wind down my mind and settle in to enjoy a little post-valentines day romance.

It's the third day this week of absolutely beautiful, warm weather. A pleasant change from the hum-drum rain of the pacific northwest winters. It strikes me just how much of a tangible effect sun has on my emotions. I feel energized, alive and free. The sun is a smile across the sky. Life is changing again, heading in a more uncertain direction for me. I find myself in that place I visit and revisit, the limbo between hoping for something and actually getting it. It's a dangerous time, when ideals are reality and your hopes and fears for the future take real form. It's the time of sepia-toned photographs, when everything is perfect and static in the past and the future lies gleaming before you. It is a time of dreams. What I have come to learn, however, is that these dreams are not always the reality that forms. It seems that our true happiness is found in dreams, but these dreams can never be our reality. We have to live somewhere between them.

I am striving to be an adult and make adult decisions but still live life with the joy of a child. Often, that's why I waffle between trivialities and insight in this journal... my life is a series of moments, what I make of them has yet to be seen.

Love Love Love Hearts Hugs Love Love Love andddddd CUTE GIGGLY BUNNIES! *dies*
Okay, right, so I didn't post anything yesterday. For the first time in forever without an excuse. And what I have been posting lately hasn't been the most intellectual meanderings. This is just how amazingly busy I am. Ohhhh my God. But I have been blessed with sun and a HUGE dose of Manicness. Unbelievable. I feel crazed.

Just overheard: "I am not going to eat my pants"- Blake

This is sad an pathetic and everything, but I actually had a dream with myweblog in it last night.

Oh yeah, happy valemntimes day! OH LOVE AND JOY, LOVE AND JOY!! Uh... scuse... I used to hate valentines day, even when I wasn't single but it seems that more and more I've been getting into the spirit. Today my mind has just melted. I am living at the speed of light.

Randomness
Waah! I am so busy!
I have to... work on VisComm project, read a book and write a review on it for the mag by friday (how the hell will I accomplish this??), cram for economics by tomorrow because it was the only slot left that was open, work on Vday project.... etc etc etc. *wants to cry* Stupid hormones... stupid girlness.

Radical feminists piss me off, too. I think it's time for a new movement. I see way too much male bashing going on and not enough progress. Yes, there are still rapes and people are still f*cked up in the head. If women could rape (and I know they can but not in the way I'm talking about), I bet there would be occurrences too. We abuse in different ways. It pisses me off to see people who won't even spell the word "woman" right. Big f*cking deal that it has "man" in it. Reverse discrimination has gotten out of control.

Murray sent me some rejected Harry Potter titles to lighten the day. *grins* At least the world still has a sense of humor, even if I don't right now.

Spiral...
It begins again. The inevitable downward spiral of a woman who places her trust in other people. Remind me not to let anyone touch the wheel anymore. I just came back from watching "Death" of "Death and Rebirth" and "End of Evangelion." Totally disorienting. It makes a little more sense to me now that I'm older and I can understand existentialism better. To a certain extent, I feel like Shinji, except not quite as manic and I think I can recognize my own disfunctionality to a point. I want to laugh right now, at anything- but for some reason I feel scared and vulnerable. I don't know where the future is going and so I can't commit to anything. I have no faith in anyone.

But I do have faith in myself. The faith that I'll be around to see what's on the other side.

If I see you, give me a hug, guys. It's what I need to get through the next few weeks. Coming home is going to be rough. It's not that I'm lonley, it's that I'm feeling distrustful [hence, isolated] and bruised.

See, us people with slight bipolarity aren't all bad. (nor are we all women, for that matter!) I love feeling so passionate about life. Whether it be one way or another, I feel strongly about the world. I live intensely and fiercely. I will take everything for all that it can be. I will watch and learn, I will get my own feet wet. No middle ground for me.

The Kindness of Others
I was going to write about the interesting aspects of travelling via Greyhound but, all things considered, tonight's ride was uneventful. The bus was full (they even had to run two) and the mixture of people was somehow still not too volatile. On the way out of Eugene, however, the half-full bus was packed with... strange folk. Gotta love this town. I saw an elderly gentleman peddling himself around in a wheelchair with his feet. I saw a rather large, frumpy woman in a flowered dress wearing a purple dog collar. I saw two gnarled, old, black jazz musicians. One of them was blind. Some people talked to themselves... others talked to me, like the opal trader whose car broke down in new mexico. I talked to him for 45 minutes... and tonight I talked to a college guy who bussed up from the bay area to see a girl in portland. Dedication.

This morning was pretty uneventful. I forgot my brain and my reciept to exchange my defective Gap shirt at Justin's house. It was one of those days. Maybe it was the fact that we watched Ghost World before bed. Depressing realism does little to make life more vivid or loveable. Still a good flick, though.

I came home to again be dissapointed by my faith in others. Kim has decided to move out. Not for a legit reason like Alison did, but because she "doesn't feel comfortable." Thank you, Kim. I'm glad you're a flake. That leaves me as the last one who hasn't broke and run. *shakes head* and I didn't even cause this conflict. What a bunch of retards. I guess you can only depend on yourself. I hope I don't end up living with some freaky guy who decides to rape me in the night. It may be time to install locks on the knobs but... that might be bad considering my cat's dexterity.

PEOPLE PISS ME OFF SO MUCH!!!

Yum, Cake
Oh happy day.... I just got back from my first 50th birthday party. No, it wasn't mine... Justin's stepdad threw his mom a surprise party at the Seattle Yacht Club this evening, just down the street from Justin's apartment. We went and schmoozed with the adults and played yuppie Jrs. for a while [a little too well, methinks]. It was nice to talk to some grownups (and be loose enough to do so after a few glasses of wine) who were secure with their position in life and relatively contented individuals. It just struck me how different talking to them was than talking to my similarly aged friends who are so uncertain of their place in the world and unsure of themselves. You have to love yourselves. It's the only way to get by.

This afternoon, Justin and I walked the Pike Place Market, the first time I've been there while it was open in a few years. Seattle is a great city and a wonderful place to live. Looking out at the ocean makes me so nostalgic... it's been a long while since I've taken a ferry anywhere and just let the water and the wind carry me free...

Tomorrow I'm going back to Oregon in the morning. A short weekend but oh well. Greyhound is always interesting.... I'll write more on that later. Out for now.

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But first, a little social blogging....

*Twitch, sounds like you should listen to Long December by Counting Crows... it's about the mood I was in last month. You've got to get over this girl. She's not worth your time any more... If memories are all you have, let them bless you with their happiness but not be your sole sustenance. Don't serve to let them be the premise on which your future is based, either. You are you, you are alive, regardless of how you feel. Live the now.

*And to a certain other couple I know... Not that I have the authority to suggest this, but, come on, don't you think it's time you admitted it to the world? Your weblogs are practically screaming it for you. ;) Far be it for me to downplay the romance of conspiracy, though. *grins*

Mass Destruction
And the sky fell.

It's been raining for the past few days. The sky is clearing up and my lawn reflects every star. Sometime this afternoon in the middle of the bipolarity of the weather, God sneezed and scared the living fuck out of everyone in Eugene. Gale force winds tore trees out, threw branches into houses, pelted pedestrians with chestnuts, took out half the city's power and caused dozens of traffic accidents. On top of that, rain was falling at approximately forty-miles-per-hour. I biked home against the wind and prayed for my life. I had to stop for things being thrown at me and because I lost my balance even in lowest gear. When I left for Jeet Kune Do at six, I noticed that three or four big pine trees had been felled in the park near my house. When I arrived at the SRC, I had to stop in my tracks. A MAMMOTH evergreen had been uprooted from the side of the cemetary nearest Mac court landed across seven or eight parked cars, knocking down a power line in its path. It's getting crazy here.

I leave in the morning for Seattle to see the folks and go to a party with some swanky grown-ups. A fun diversion! That, and I don't have to stay at home. YAY!

Will someone please stop me from eating? I'm convinced I'm hungry all the time but I think I'm just bored. This is getting ridiculous. I feel like a gluttonous fool. Not like I'm too worried about getting any bigger but I'm wondering what will happen to my metabolism if this keeps up. Der...

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Once again, the web prophecies...




Fun times: Osama Bin Dress-up...
Not fun times: Can anyone tell me in which way is this web page NOT narcissistic? I fail to see the sarcasm here...

Webpage Updates
Personal pages is "Distractions" section updated to open in pop-up windows. Hurrah Javascript!

Pet Peeves
And the rain comes pourin down....

I just thought of two things I *really* hate.
1) People with patio-furniture sized umbrellas walking down the street (I want to smack them!)
2) Toilet paper dispensers that only give you one square. DAMMIT!

Sumbitch
*God dammit, it was 'National Complement Day' and I forgot to swing my plan into action. How can I reinvent myself if I have a three second memory?
*New roomate went to get drunk at a friend's house. Again. On a Wednesday. At least he doesn't do it here. More power to him.
*Hurrah! We broke 1,000 hits today.

*So here's the actual philosophical thought of the day:

Right now I'm not lonely. [yay me!] Why is this? I haven't seen Wolf Pup in two weeks and we've only got a brief rendevous scheduled this weekend for Seattle. There are more people in my life and I'm making more time for them. I still seem to have the same hopeless envisionments of the future but, I guess, only time will tell for that. Right now, I don't "Need" anyone. I need all the people in my life but it's distrubing to find myself in this place of non-codependence. I let go of one thing to find that I let go of others as well. Makes sense- I always thought everything was linked. So now we enter the realm of endless possibility.

I'm feeling a little big for my skin. I don't know what to get out of the relationship that I've got. We're still in stasis . We can never really "be" or never really cease to exist. Again, I'm looking forward so much to the future that I don't really feel the present... a place that makes me very nervous and doubtful. I feel like a heat-seeking user, in a sense. I know where my comfort lies, but what lies without it? After a point, it always takes something like a swift kick in the nuts (which I lack, unfortunately) to make you re-realize those exact qualities you value so much in a person. [don't worry, I'm not going anywhere ^^] I'm just pondering the nature of relationships and what it is that people in general really want to get out of them.

First, there's reassurance of the self. I'm worth it. I'm sexy, I'm likeable, I'm warm. There's fascination with someone other than yourself, being close and getting to know someone. There's extreme comfort; solace, mental and physical. Of course there's shared experiences. Trust. Mutual Acquaintences. Making plans. Security. Knowing what you're coming home to. And sex, right. And then the years go by. So what am I looking for? I can either look at this and say "this is it?" or "yes, this is it." I still have a feeling I'm seeking something different. First, I don't think it exists. Second, stupidly, I refuse to give up that search.

It's the Principality of it

And again, Millie speaks the truth. Sometimes I think that must be me, in furry foxx form. Why do we learn things at all, if not to be confused by the circular logic of them? Bah.

Also, I've decided that the new TV version of Dune sucks. Not only is it long, but the characters (not just the acting) are bad. Maybe I never liked Dune at all. I find Paul an atrocious protagonist and terrible main character. In fact, I REALLY don't like him. I almost want to cheer for the bad guys. He is a) way too powerful and b) way too fucking cocky to deserve success. His path of self-discovery needs to lead to more migraines than Godhood.

Random Acts of... Uhm..
This poor fool has to feel like an idiot.

I was walking down the street with Peter and talking about the situation with my roomates moving out and the idiocy of VisComm class, which he has the experience of sharing with me. We stopped in front of the business school and were laughing about something when I see a little asian dude approaching Peter from the side, he was sneaking up on him like Peter was an old friend and he was going to surprise him. He gives the this "shh" look and procedes to pinch Peter straight on the ass. Peter, of course, jumps and turns toward this little guy, at which point the guy yelled, "man, I didn't know who you were, sorry!" and ran away. I thought he was joking at first and it was part of his little prank. But Peter really had no idea who the guy was. We just started cracking up, I almost fell over. The guy was SO scared and embarrased. Peter was really flabberghasted too. I don't know who he thought Peter was because it seemed to me he had a clear view of his profile as he was "sneaking up."

I guess that goes to show you you shouldn't pinch an ass unless you know who it belongs to. Or something... There must be a moral to all this. Else, it's just damn funny.

You think you know me?
Prove it!
Take my friend test and find out....

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Want to GIVE in return? See the new icon at the bottom of the page...

Project apotheosis
Murray-san, that's an awful big "first" step to redefinition. I would think that would come last or second to last or something. You gotta start small with these things. This is what I think:


Step One: Redefinition of Self
Making a small difference, or learning to love the place I'm at.
I resolve to, every day, complement at least one person (especially if I don't know them well or at all) on something.
The goal here is to make other people smile. Cracking jokes is unnaceptable because complements work to make you actually look at people.
The second rule, aside from the smile, is that it has to be genuine. No lying about an ugly shirt.
In my opinion, we never tell people enough of what we think of them. We don't interact on an interpersonal basic. Often, there is too much "constructive" criticism. I think seeing people in this light will eventually create a new, positive outlook. I think it will become natural, not to be a flatterer, but to make others feel good about themselves. And this makes you feel good about yourself.

KILL ME NOW!!!
This is probably a blast from the past for most of you, but I just found it.
The worst part is, I think it has something to do with a poekmon theme song, especially with the 151 thing... or maybe that's just Bacardi.
It's....Hyakugojyuuichi!!!

I am Me.
The most amazing day today. First time things have surpassed "good" in a while. I felt alive, I felt in control, I felt validated and reaffirmed. I felt in touch with nature and in touch with myself physically and abstractly. I was wrong to judge so harshly of myself. Maybe I can accept things the way they are. That may be asking too much of a seeker... I'm on terms with my own happiness right now. I think I understand. I don't expect to be understood but today it felt as if the universe were listening. I was running my fingers through the fabric of time, sifting the sands backward and forward.

I was surrounded by people today and I walked. I confided and was confided in. I passed the cemetary in the early morning light when the sun was breaking through the pines in shafts. A place of power I have never walked, yet will when the moment comes.

I can hear my roomate singing to herself in the other room. Her friend moved out of the house this weekend without telling her. I didn't say goodbye because I didn't care. But she cried last night because she came back to an empty room. I feel joy in the ground beneath my feet but I still love day to day... love, I meant to write live. I never know what the next moment will bring. Right now, the cold only makes the stars shine brighter.

And still....
When I said we talked, you never asked what we talked about.

Stream of Consciousness: So I just got back from watching Eva. Can you tell? My brain is totally fried. I'm thinking in monosyllables and snippets. I didn't used to think Eva was such an amazing series. It really isn't for kids... I couldn't relate at all on the level I can now. It's so easy to get lost in the show when you can relate to the abstract symbolism of each character. I think I see myself in Misato the most... What scares me is that sometimes the series seems less like entertainment and more like a religion of its own. I wonder if I'm converting.

Breathing
It's the most gorgeous day outside. The sunlight is filtering through every leaf in every tree... even though most of the trees are bare. There's a funny sound outside, a sort of openness that comes with the lack of cloud cover. It sounds like air moving, flowing upward and outward, like the world is breathing.

Trust
I had a conversation about trust last night. It ended mostly when we tried to come to a concensus on the definition of trust and discovered that there was some ambiguity. Trust, in my opinion, is when you don't feel vulnerable around someone, when you give them the benefit of a doubt and show them your real self, hoping that they won't damage you in any way. Trust, to a great extent, is knowing that someone will keep their word to you. Trust is also believing in yourself. Trust is equal to repect but, resciprocally, respect does not equal trust. Trust is confidence in someone, trust is the strength you find in them to hold you up.

I didn't used to believe I was a trustworthy person. I had a lot of doubt in my mind as to whether, when it came down to it, I could strike a low blow. Because I doubted myself and failed to retain confidence in my abilities, I wasn't trustworthy. I learned that I could hurt someone in shitty ways but that betrayal isn't as simple as it seems in movies, that it has a lot more to do with search for self than it does with motives. I also learned that blows like that cripple those who inflict them as badly as they do their victims. I don't think I'll ever need to go on a rampage like that again. ^^ heh heh

So, last night I decided that I am trustworthy. First, because I can now put my trust in others. Secondly because I believe, in my heart, that I will not hurt a person for the sake of hurting them. I'm not capable of doing that sort of thing. I'm only capable of hurting someone if the benefits to my own well-being outweigh the benefits of their suffering. It sounds like a selfish world... maybe it is one....

This is the conclusion, to a point, of my thoughts on the subject:
Private Post
I just wish I could make you understand this.

The problem with this philosophy is that it makes it hard to share yourself with someone.
When I was a little girl, thought I would never get married. I didn�t want children because I had seen how my parents failed at raising us. I didn�t want a man because men were bad. I wanted to live in a house with my best friend. I never even considered that I might be living with a boyfriend at nineteen years of age. Things have changed, I want children, and I want to build a home- eventually. But this is still only a small part of me. This is biology, this is Woman, but Wild Girl speaks louder.

I don�t think I ever completely got over the idea that Men are bad. This is genderism, I know, but I can�t help it. On a certain, fundamental level, Men are intimidating. This has made me very, very selective in my choice of mates and frequency with which I change partners. Even though I have been seeing exclusive partners for the past five years, Wild Girl still hates the idea of being tied to �a man.� She sees herself raising a girl-child alone and teaching her in the way of the Wild.

What I am realizing, after wounding one and struggling with another, is that these Men are fragile, too. They were delicate once and some still are, inside. A relationship doesn�t have to be about belonging, it should be about partnership. I can still live in a house with my Best Friend, as long as he does his chores and keeps the bed warm with me on a Sunday morning. ; )

Yes, to a certain extent, you crossed the line of my trust last night, Wolf Pup... but it was only because I allowed you to and because you needed to, so I, of course, forgive you. And I love you all the more. It's just... well, scary, to be afraid of you in the slightest sense because I trust you most of all.

A note for you.

In conclusion, let me explain that to you readers that this blog is my way of venting, I generally write more the bad things here than the good. Don't get me wrong, the last four days of entries HAVE been pretty heavy, but I've been feeling *great* about life. Light thoughts carry a person through the day while heavy thoughts drag them down. When I've got something on my mind that I need to deal with, I will put it here right away to get it out in the open. I generally don't mull over positive things, I revel in them and save them all for myself. ; )

Disclaimer
The last post makes it seem like the last two years have NOT been some of the best in my life. This is not true. While they certainly aren't innocent Golden Years, I was the most alive I have ever been during them. VIVA TEEN ANGST!! VIVA LIFE!!!!

More Colorgenics

Seasons of Sadness
I didn't used to be able to cry silently. When I was growing up, sometimes I lay in bed at night and cried over fights within my family or between my siblings. I was never really able to stifle the sounds that came with the tears. Not so any more. Silent crying has become an art form with me. I've sought many public restrooms, elevators, and hidden corners for a good, silent cry in the middle of the day. As I was having a momentary breakdown in the Microservices bathroom yesterday, I thought, "this will all come to pass, in another year this will only be a fleeting memory of a feeling."

I realized that each year does have a feeling to it in passing. When I think of last year, I feel the hectic displacement of living in the dorms. Never really belonging among people, feeling forced out and judged. I feel an itch. The year before that is hopeful madness, coming of age, questioning and explosive growth. This year is anger. Ander and passive, subliminal sadness that runs a current through all things. I qualify years as the school year. A year begins with summer and ends with summer next. Soon this year will end...


[[I went deep in dreams last night... it was probably the weed, but I thought some f*cked up things. In any case, I slept like a rock and I think I appreciated the special effects of the TV Dune much more because I was stoned off my ass. Ne, Murray? (Murray says: ZZZzzzZzZZZ ...) Too bad there's still another four hours left.... ^^]]

BlueGrey Morning

I'm starting to look at accepting these dreams as sort of how one would go about living with a physical handicap. Except if I were missing my leg, I probably wouldn't spend the greater part of a day pondering its greater meaning. I have never had so many dreams involving one person in my life. Excluding myself as a main character, and often even I am someone else. What is it all for???

I don't think I'm manic depressive, but I do waffle extrememly between feeling confident about the nature of my destiny in the universe and feeling that my existence is entirely inconsequential. After doing a wonderful double-take last week and feeling fated, I again feel like a blip in the fabric of time. I could "pull out" of this city and be no where and would it matter? Would you come to my funeral if I died tonight? Would you whisper, "she was a great woman"?

I didn't think so.

Yesterday I found myself in one of the most awkward positions I've been in for a long time... mentally, bodily, geographically. It's unnerving when you come upon moments like these simply walking down the street. Again, I won't tell the story because it's besides the point- but it made me very thoughtful, not to mention upset and confused. I realized the unhealthiness of disharmony to the point of physical discomfort. When this happens between people, there can be almost a physical force field between them. You can press upon it and beat your head against it but once it's erected, the only thing that will bring it down is time. I felt sort of Big Brother-ish, watching myself walk in tandem with someone without either of us acnowledging the others' presence. I thought, "I am here, you know I am. I know you are here, and we will never disappear. I do not watch, but I am always watching." But we can pretend not to see each other. It's stupid, this avoidance. It's childish. It's not how I play the game and it's never how I played the game. And I will tell you, I do not know the rules, but I know that this is not how one plays the game.

Anyhow, this walking down the street made me think about parallels. How peoples' lives run in tandem, fuse, break, and trail away. I thought of each individual on campus as a point of light, leaving a path as they walk. I thought, as I do every time I picture this, what it would look like were I to see these light trails from above. It would be astounding to see how our lives intersect. I wonder if the paths we walk draw a picture on the earth. Is this the concept of the ley line, the ancient boundaries of power? Do we create our own, each day, as we walk to and from our homes?

I think we can choose our own path freely, but each intersection has been predetermined.

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Get a Colorgenics profile...
Here's part of what my profile said about me:

"For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships ... that is, to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person ... full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection ... looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy "All things bright and beautiful".. someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement, and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth."

creepy....

From the Lion's Mouth...
***Social blogging.... ick...****

- Domo, Wolf Pup. On the subject of Dreams: Read this comic.
- Kyashi-san, it looks like you need Nippless... [scroll down a bit] I would have left you a note, but opendiary's re-poster is malfunctioning. Glad you're feeling good.
- Niiiiiiice gun you're getting there, Icchan. Heh. ; )
- Murray... needless to say, I know how you feel. I'm an emotional transient right now, too. Let's redefine ourselves, okay?

On that note, an interesting thing happened to me this morning. I was walking down the street to class and I passed a familiar face. I was a little taken by surprise because I didn't know the guy very well, it just so happened that I'd sparred with him in Jeet Kune Do last night. I have Jeet Kune Do once a week for one hour. It's kind of a small class, an exclusive engagement, but we don't have a lot of time to socialize or get to know each other because we're busy doing drills. So here's this guy, and I don't know his name; the only connection I have to him and he to me is the twenty minutes we spent throwing each other around last night. That, and the mat burns on my elbows. I just glanced his way and he didn't even look back. I thought, this man doesn't know me, he doesn't know who I am, he knows what my body feels like and with how much impact I hit the ground, and he can appreciate me for only that. Then a though popped into my head, and I haven't been able to get it out since:

The first rule of Fight Club is... you don't talk about Fight Club.
I walked the rest of the way to class grinning like a fool.

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Prepare for the extensive, non-social post to come. I've been waiting to brain dump all day.

The guest login is username: guest password: password
Creative, ne?

To be continued.....