BlueGrey Morning

I'm starting to look at accepting these dreams as sort of how one would go about living with a physical handicap. Except if I were missing my leg, I probably wouldn't spend the greater part of a day pondering its greater meaning. I have never had so many dreams involving one person in my life. Excluding myself as a main character, and often even I am someone else. What is it all for???

I don't think I'm manic depressive, but I do waffle extrememly between feeling confident about the nature of my destiny in the universe and feeling that my existence is entirely inconsequential. After doing a wonderful double-take last week and feeling fated, I again feel like a blip in the fabric of time. I could "pull out" of this city and be no where and would it matter? Would you come to my funeral if I died tonight? Would you whisper, "she was a great woman"?

I didn't think so.

Yesterday I found myself in one of the most awkward positions I've been in for a long time... mentally, bodily, geographically. It's unnerving when you come upon moments like these simply walking down the street. Again, I won't tell the story because it's besides the point- but it made me very thoughtful, not to mention upset and confused. I realized the unhealthiness of disharmony to the point of physical discomfort. When this happens between people, there can be almost a physical force field between them. You can press upon it and beat your head against it but once it's erected, the only thing that will bring it down is time. I felt sort of Big Brother-ish, watching myself walk in tandem with someone without either of us acnowledging the others' presence. I thought, "I am here, you know I am. I know you are here, and we will never disappear. I do not watch, but I am always watching." But we can pretend not to see each other. It's stupid, this avoidance. It's childish. It's not how I play the game and it's never how I played the game. And I will tell you, I do not know the rules, but I know that this is not how one plays the game.

Anyhow, this walking down the street made me think about parallels. How peoples' lives run in tandem, fuse, break, and trail away. I thought of each individual on campus as a point of light, leaving a path as they walk. I thought, as I do every time I picture this, what it would look like were I to see these light trails from above. It would be astounding to see how our lives intersect. I wonder if the paths we walk draw a picture on the earth. Is this the concept of the ley line, the ancient boundaries of power? Do we create our own, each day, as we walk to and from our homes?

I think we can choose our own path freely, but each intersection has been predetermined.

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Get a Colorgenics profile...
Here's part of what my profile said about me:

"For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships ... that is, to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person ... full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection ... looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy "All things bright and beautiful".. someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement, and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth."

creepy....