Rant to the Priest
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Dead Alive
HAHA! Dead week is over and I have triumphed! I'm not out of it yet, I just need to get this bad boy printed... but I sure accomplished a lot. Surprisingly.

With that in mind, some words of wisdom for those of you still struggling out there:

"Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good for a little while and then you realize you're only screwing yourself."
(thanks, Cathy!)

Life is More than Credit Cards
I feel really good. This paper is done and now I can concentrate on the busy work... which WILL take endless time, all things considered, but is brainless nonetheless. I am happy to be me and happy that I know good people. Soon I can have a nice vacation and have no job : )

Charles tells me that I'm a libra with a perfect square which means, according to the ancient driuds, I am an individual whose life has a greater effect on those around me regardless of the role I play. I'm flattered and I *guess* I see that it might be true Not that I'm terribly proud of it in some ways.

I also found out that my top five ratings in the Lord of the Rings Selector are #1: Galadriel, #2: Eowyn, #3: Gandalf, #4: Boromir, #5: Lord of the Nazgul. Yay, I guess. I'm stupid and I still need to read the book before the movie comes out. How my parents deprived me when I was young.

Off to bed.

Productivity
I feel like my life is an extention of this research project. 15 pages of drivel, an outline , an introduction and 100 plus pages of annotations... at least the damn "use statement" practically writes itself! This is all I am doing. This is all that is in my brain. And thus, this is all I write today. Oog. I need more chocolate. It's all I eat in wintertime.

I've decided to read "The Four Agreements." It looks like might just save my self esteem. Or it might just cause me to be brutally honest with people *laughs* : )

Fox Thoughts
I used to have thoughts like this when I was growing up. Now I have all the drama I need, alas.

I feel much better than I have the last few weeks. Last night I actually slept the whole night. My life feels neutral/ good and I'm not overwhelmed by little overtones. It's nice to be able to focus on work.

Bruised and Beautiful
I just came back from a trip to the store for Chai Nog. Some guy stepped on me in line and I'll sure have a bruise there... maybe all I need is to get kicked in the shins every now and then because I suddenly feel GOOD. Actually neutral/ happy and really grateful for the support I've been recieving from everyone. I want to issue a special thanks to Justin. I know that sometimes I feel like you're not responsive to my bitch-fests but am grateful because you are the most *stable* person I know. I can be honest with you and you don't freak out. You are a rock for me and a comfort blanket when I need it. You really are wonderful and I don't think anyone else could stand up to the amount of emotional shit I throw at you and not run screaming into the dark of the night. I am also thankful for the other new and old friends I have. Kathy and Charles and the guys at work. Sometimes I don't like hearing about the relationship problems, though. (heh heh) Thanks to Alex for having the courage to be my friend, it means a lot to me that we can even talk. Thanks to Sian for coming up on a Google search so I know she's still alive.

Thanks to all of you for reassuring me that I'm not alone down here. Thanks for listening and I have so many more stories for you if you want to listen. Thanks for talking back, I really like to hear "hello" sometimes.

And on another note, for the second time ever, I just met IRL a person I'd previously known via chat only. Charles (Cad on ICQ) and I met at the Buzz for coffee after I got off work today. Of all the locals I've met online, he's been the only one deserving of a response to a meeting invite. Only person I've met in a long time who's both interesting and polite and EXTREMELY well spoken. I like making new friends! Especially ones who don't just ask for an online picture and then cybersex!

Random confessions of a bored Employee

Hee hee... this is funny.... Man Dies in Apparent Collision with a Duck.

3 AM
I love my neighbors. What the FUCK would convince them to have a party at 3AM on MONDAY of Dead Week? Yes, they're students too. *Thursday* I might understand and even put up with, but *&$^ing Monday and I'll have to get dirty. Not to mention my bedroom window is right next to their car port and back room, where their parties are often held. I feel retarded for resorting to petty tattling, but it was the only way I could cope- so I called them in on noise disturbance. I don't know if the cops ever came... I eventually got back to sleep *sheepish smile* until Tyler's mega-loud alarm went off at 5 AM and he got up. Why? I don't know, the boy is taking the equivalent of zero classes. Hum. All in all I slept fine... but the moral of the story is: don't FUCK with my sleep!

As for other randomness, I discovered some hilarity yesterday at work. Check out Tokyo Breakfast. Crazy Japanese.

Love
I read this today on Love is a Drug. I can relate a little too well to this guy sometimes. Anyway, enjoy... it's beautiful and since I'm dissecting love today, I'm mulling over it... and wishing it were all I know of love.

The problem is that love makes it all so damn difficult


You were the first one to teach me about ripening fruit by putting it in a paper bag. And you said you liked my hat when I wouldn�t wear it because I thought it was a fashion fraud. I wore it. One time I was so amazed by your presence in my life that I drove my lawn mower in circles out of glee. When the storms came, you suggested that we sit on the porch in rocking chairs to enjoy the humidity.



I admit that I lied about washing your flannel shirt because I liked it with your smell on it. Maybe you knew and didn�t say anything. You understand the things that I do.



You are warm to me. You make coming home worth while. And getting up, for that matter. I like you most in the morning, when your tangled hair floats in the breeze of our window fan before settling on my arm again. I like it when we stay in bed late and you wear your sleepy smile, nestling back into the craters you created in the bed. I don�t have a time that I like you least. Even when you are drunk, I am enamored.



When you get excited, your eyes light up like the little sister I never had discovering a miniature pony in our yard on Christmas morning. You don�t eat candy, but I do because it reminds me of your taste. And you have that habit slowly blowing smoke out in a perfect �v� that turns me on so much. I could watch you do that for hours, but I might explode first.



I learned to like Van Halen because you do. I eat with chopsticks, fumbling through my slowly diminishing hunger because you like a long dinner. I know all the right wineglasses now that you started bringing wine home everyday, and I love when we get drunk and laugh for hours. I drive slowly so I don�t crash and miss a night with you.



Your probably don�t see me, but I feign sleep and peek from beneath the covers as you sit Indian style in front of your mirror, putting on makeup and moving to the rhythm of routine. When we are in bed, I sometimes endure the aggravation of itches so as not to wake you. I open the door slowly on my to work in the afternoon, wincing at every creak so you will not feel alone as you nap.



Anytime I want to, I can recall the feeling of you on my lap and the warmth left by the backside of your legs. I get your newspaper for you so you do not have to have cold feet. I worry because your apartment building has a foyer with no lock that leads to your door. I kiss your tattoos as if I might never see them again.



You don�t see me cry for you, but I do. Maybe you hear the cracks in my voice and the fade of my sentences, but I won�t let you see the tears because nothing is wrong. It is joy, and I can�t even begin to explain it, even if you asked me to. I don�t have any words for those moments, but when I hug you longer than usual, you know why.



I pick what you like, because making you happy makes me happy. I see your beauty in the sway of the willows, and in the rolling breaks of the ocean that span past the reach of sight. You give me comfort like summer cottages with rickety hinges from my childhood vacations, toasty slippers by the bedside that a loved one quietly placed during my nap, and fresh soda bread that only my Aunt Alice can make.

Dose it out slowly, and go easy on me. I am a foolish man, and my dreams run me into walls.

--End

Liquid
I feel like my head is filled with water. The world is beautiful and tragic through a diffuser lens but somehow it makes everything so much more heavy. Today was a beautiful fall day and it kept me back from the precipice of dispair. Everything feels fluid and abstract, which more or less gets the work done but in thrice the time... allotments made for the amount of time I sit and contemplate the force of light and other non-sequiters.

As for the wish of my heart, I think what I want right now is a special day for people who want to be brutally honest and get away with it. I don't think there's a person in my life right now whom I haven't restricted myself from being totally truthful with. I want one day for everyone to lay it all out there. The only restriction is that no one would be allowed to kill anyone else afterwards and the only reaction to honesty would be introspection. It would be nice to have a meaningful conversation sans pretense and diffusions... it's been hard to do that lately. I'm always too scared to say the wrong thing or make myself look bad. It makes me feel shallow.

My dad says I make the small things too big. (This from someone who's spent the last few years on anti-depressants....) But I feel like that's what makes life worth living. When it comes to dwelling on details, however, I can see the problem. I'll always dissect things, I'll always get caught up in them... I'll always get carried away in the liquid undercurrent.

When I lived in the midwest, I always planned to grow up and live in a house with my best friend. Little did I realize that her parents being lesbians would later lead to problems with our even being "sidekicks." Before that, I wanted to buy an RV and travel the country, never owning a house. This was pretty lofty for an 8 year old and everyone always laughed at me. Now I just want to live alone but I'm afraid I'll go under if I do that. I'm awfully abraisive for a co-dependant and it makes it difficult to keep a partner when your deepest dream is to see a new sunrise every morning. Not many are willing to give up a home and so far I've gotten the unanimous impression that significant others tend to feel neglected when one's true love is transience. Meh.

I miss my cat. At least he can travel well... maybe I'll be able to take him with, someday. It's hard to sleep alone, especially knowing that my two bedmates get to spend this time together. Makes me jealous!! It's easier to sleep the whole night without something moving and THAT makes me happy. I miss my family too, despite all of their misunderstandings of me. I guess family is truly what one can depend on.

Jingle all the @#%$!
Augh! Get it out of my head! I had to listen to $*&%ing christmas songs for practically the whole weekend while in Justin's parents' car. Sarah loves any excuse to listen to carols [the holiday season being a prominent reason] and I must have heard the same songs almost 90 times. THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY SNOW HERE!

Ok, I'm a scrooge, but I still hate christmas music. Especially when visions of sugar plums are dancing in my head as a result of repeat conditioning. No offense, Sarah, I'm glad you're full of holiday cheer!

The Home Stretch
I arrived back in Eugene mid-day with much to do in the way of grocery shopping and homework. Now that groceries are out of the way, it's time to get down to business on the latter. Problem is, who wants to? UGH. Info Hell bites my ass. I miss my cat and I could do with a new set of housemates. Oh well, at least the quarter's almost over... then it's back to sleeping on an air mattress for a month.

On the car ride back here the weather was very strange. Extremely sunny with hard rain and blowing mist. A giant ranbow manifested behind us for ten minutes about 20 miles outside of eugene and hung heavy over the countryside. I think some sheep were at its end. I guess I'll take it as a good sign. Off to work with me, or maybe some sleep for a little while.

To Be Thankful...
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I feel sorry for not spending more time with my family this weekend, but there were so many things I had to cram all into the short break. Unfortunately, homework was (is) excluded and I have to find some way to write my info hell paper of 15 pages in the next week.

Well, today most of the family did go see Harry Potter which was wonderful and made me very happy. I thought it was a bit long (damn, 2:45) but that they couldn't leave anything else out without taking away plot elements. Even Eleanor, my soon-to-be seven-year-old sister enjoyed it and was able to sit still through the whole thing. [More than I can say for some of the kids there.] She's really turning out to be quite the character. She was the only one in the family who volunteered to watch mom pull what was left of the turkey's lungs out and after dinner while we were all napping off the tryptophan, she points at me, says "you're a muslim!" and starts laughing. We had to explain to her that she *might* not want to do that in public. She, of course, countered with the excuse that she didn't know what a Muslim was. Yay for the naive political incorrectness of youth.

It has been a weekend of feasting, despite the fact that it hasn't done much to lighten my mood. We gorged ourselves on all the traditional fare on Thursday. Tonight was a sushi feast at Toyoda Sushi in north Seattle and tomorrow it's off to Ellensburg for the bf's family thanksgiving. YUM... more food that I don't have to buy/ cook for myself. Ah well, tiem for me to hit the sack. I miss my kitty and sleeping on an air mattress hurts my butt. =P

Schism
This is a private post.

Rude Awakenings...
I'm starting to hate sleep. I thought dreams were supposed to help you heal; instead, mine are repeatedly bashing me over the head with rather un-insightful thoughts that I don't WANT to dwell on. Thus, I've been awake since 6:45 this morning. My brain must think my sanity is a big joke. The one thing I'm grateful for so far is that while this stress has resulted in numerous annoying physical manifestations, at least I haven't gotten sick! *waits for hand of god to smite with plague*

Thank God there's a vacation approaching. *Technically,* today is Friday. I take off tomorrow for Seattle... it'll be nice to see the family.

Anyway, back to the topic: Justin also pointed something out to me last night that I find rather disturbing. It's becoming apparent that I can only be around a person for so long before I start nit-picking them or the relationship to death. This is manifesting in current conflicts with my housemates and I don't even KNOW the girl that well. It's also meant the demise of countless friendships and some major romantic investments. It's beginning to seem like it's precipitating the end of this one. God damnit, how the hell do I lighten up? Maybe I like change too much, even in the sense that conflict provides it. Bleah. I'm a little worried here, cause I'm gonna end up bitter and purposefully alone if I don't stop being such a PORCUPINE. I'd much rather be a hedgehog... they're a little softer and much nicer to have as pets. O well.

On a completely side note, I'm rather weirded out to find that this naturopathic supplement I'm taking has a stong aftertaste of raw tomatoes. YUCK.

What the heck?
For the first time I can remember, I gave cash to one of Eugene's transients. I went to the grocery store to pick up some mushrooms and spices and was pleased to spend only a buck fifty... I'm leaving and there's this guy out front with a sign that says something like "Looking for an act of kindness and hope" or equally sentimental drivel. So of course he makes eye contact and trails me talking about how he spent the last night in the rain... Usually I'd tell him that I'm only carrying debit but I found myself thinking sympathetically. Not that he's homeless, even potentially, since I tend to think that's a big joke... but that he might even need cash to booze himself up or some other less pleasant thing. I guess I've been feeling that getting trashed is an alternative to the crap happening in my life, so I gave the poor guy a few bucks so he can at least try to zone out for a few hours. What a wonderful world.

Just another Manic...
I can never decide what I think about mondays... at least I have enough time on my hands while I'm at work to contemplate doing such mindless things as ACTUALLY setting up a weblog. It cracks me up really. On one hand, there's nothing more mindlessly trivial than sharing your "deep thoughts" with an audience who doesn't really care and will be ultimately only entertained by your drama. On the other hand, I've always TRIED to keep a journal and failed becuause *I* didn't really care about it. Maybe keeping up appearances will maintain whatever motivation I posess. Secondly, recent weeks have proven that being able to communicate with peers, or recieve even indirect verbal input from them is VERY important. Weblog wise or in real life. I'm discovering that for a "communications" major, I lack some important communicative skills. Patience ranks first and perspecitive probably follows second. The one think that I realize is that communication take a lot of work... but sometimes it helps just to be able to lay it all out there.

Thank GOD I didn't consider psychology as a major becasue that would be a whole 'nother mess.