Liquid
I feel like my head is filled with water. The world is beautiful and tragic through a diffuser lens but somehow it makes everything so much more heavy. Today was a beautiful fall day and it kept me back from the precipice of dispair. Everything feels fluid and abstract, which more or less gets the work done but in thrice the time... allotments made for the amount of time I sit and contemplate the force of light and other non-sequiters.

As for the wish of my heart, I think what I want right now is a special day for people who want to be brutally honest and get away with it. I don't think there's a person in my life right now whom I haven't restricted myself from being totally truthful with. I want one day for everyone to lay it all out there. The only restriction is that no one would be allowed to kill anyone else afterwards and the only reaction to honesty would be introspection. It would be nice to have a meaningful conversation sans pretense and diffusions... it's been hard to do that lately. I'm always too scared to say the wrong thing or make myself look bad. It makes me feel shallow.

My dad says I make the small things too big. (This from someone who's spent the last few years on anti-depressants....) But I feel like that's what makes life worth living. When it comes to dwelling on details, however, I can see the problem. I'll always dissect things, I'll always get caught up in them... I'll always get carried away in the liquid undercurrent.

When I lived in the midwest, I always planned to grow up and live in a house with my best friend. Little did I realize that her parents being lesbians would later lead to problems with our even being "sidekicks." Before that, I wanted to buy an RV and travel the country, never owning a house. This was pretty lofty for an 8 year old and everyone always laughed at me. Now I just want to live alone but I'm afraid I'll go under if I do that. I'm awfully abraisive for a co-dependant and it makes it difficult to keep a partner when your deepest dream is to see a new sunrise every morning. Not many are willing to give up a home and so far I've gotten the unanimous impression that significant others tend to feel neglected when one's true love is transience. Meh.

I miss my cat. At least he can travel well... maybe I'll be able to take him with, someday. It's hard to sleep alone, especially knowing that my two bedmates get to spend this time together. Makes me jealous!! It's easier to sleep the whole night without something moving and THAT makes me happy. I miss my family too, despite all of their misunderstandings of me. I guess family is truly what one can depend on.