The Hedgehog's Dilemma
I'm feeling a little rebellious. I want to change something about myself just to tweak people out a little. Like get a tatoo or a piercing or cut off my hair and dye it. Maybe I'll pose for a girlie magazine. Keepsake photos are nice and I'm extremely poor.

Yesterday I did jinx myself. Some more dreams last night, but of a different variety. I think I've learned how to disregard them, or at least to glean what I'm supposed to from examining them. It was an old and a new dream that took place in places of the past and of the present. [i.e. my old house in Michigan and in Grayson hall]

I wonder if it's possible to read minds in your sleep. Last night I saw something from another's perspective. Not neccesarily how I wanted to see it, but I wonder if it is her point of view.

I was thinking about what I write here this morning. I should have logged my thoughts when I had them, but I'll take a stab now. I suppose the gist of it is that I'm a little put off at myself for censoring this journal. I made a pact with myself that when I write in journals I won't obsess about the men in my life. Looking back at diaries I had before I told myself this, it is apparent why. The pages are filled with the drivel of "I met this guy... blah de blah blah." To a certain extent, what I write is valuable; I can see how my relationships change and mature as I have a dialogue with myself. But mindlessly mewling about how you love someone isn't going to give you emotional apotheosis or make you care about what you wrote later. Yes, I was never good at love letters. So, for that and other reasons of tact, I've been hesitant to mention much on my mind about my boyfriend an myself. I also think that it's annoying to read someone's blog and hear "oh so and so and I did this today. We had so much fun. Then X came over and we went to see Y." I mean, who gives a shit about your daily calendar anyway? But, I do believe now that if your relationship is what's on your mind and if you're thinking about it philosophically, you should write about it. A lot of the "talking" I want to do does involve "men-based" relationships in some way. Unfortunately for some of my readers, what I write is going to be about them. So do I throw tact out the window and blatantly post my thoughts about these people? Or should I re-initiate the private-posts based on ip-blocks and/or passwords. I dunno. Seems like a real journalistic dillemma.

On one hand, this is my journal, I write it for me, and I don't care what you all think of me. On the other hand, I don't wanna f*ck anyone up in the head, because I do care about messing with other people's feelings. I guess you'll see sometime soon. But don't worry, I won't regale you with schedules of my days. They're all the same. School, work, homework, sleep.

What FIGHT CLUB character are you?

I am Das Webmaster
AHAHAHA!!

Look!! I finally did some work on this piece of sh!t. Maybe I won't need a new template after all. This afternoon I decided to do HTML after watching silent DiVX Cowboy Bebop got boring. Some major revamps here. Please tell me what you think. I want to make the text of post displays smaller, but the next font size down is 1 and it's about the size of the small links over there. -.- Not cool. Nevermind, I learned style sheets and fixed it. Is better? Is ok? I'm done updating now, since it's getting to the point where I can't remember what I'm working on anymore.

Soooo.... Apparently this weblog has become increasingly popular over the last day and a hlaf. I wouldn't have noticed, except that the hits AREN'T mine from updating. They're other people's. Amazing.

That, AND I am soooooo proud of myself. I got a google search hit for "blow jobs." *cracks up, falls on the floor* WOOHOO! I can compete with the other terrible porn sites out there for the attention of lonely men! That, and I'm better looking than most of the sad ho's they use. Okay, so I flatter myself, but it's pretty frikkin funny.

Descartes, you fool.
I don't know if I can take much more of it. I may have to ask you to kill me now. This Visual Communication class has gotten bad, to the point of hellish. It is not a journalism class, despite what duckhunt says. J. Newton, the prof, has taken a middle-school psychology book, torn out and watered down the small chapter on visual psychology, thrown in some of her own personal experiences in mediocre photojournalism, fed the whole mess to her dog and given what was passed out the other end to us poor, suffering, students, whom she treasures as kindergarten experiments. I must suppress my murderous rage. I must not smack her when she makes us do "visualizations." While she could have taught a sucessfull class and perhaps based one session on the effects of the media upon our subconscious, instead we must focus on images of the family and speak about how they make us feel

The woman thinks she is a philosopher. "Hahve you read ma book?" she croons in her Texas dialect. We've spent the last few periods hearing her bash Descartes who, apparently, has led society on the "entirely wrong track." Not that I neccisarily disagree that "I think therefore I am" could be "I feel therefore I am," but she leaves no room for subjectivity. Please don't bash a philosopher and assume what you know is true. Even Descartes gives his reasons. What's really killer is that on top of all this, most of the class consists of her spouting mindless definitions of "vision," "perception," "consciousness," "the unconscious," "reason," "intuition," and "dreams" at us. As if College Students have no idea what the difference between reason and intuition is. Gooooodddd.... this is amazing and stupid. It's like high school all over again. She even takes attendance.


I'll just have to pretend it's an experiment in torture psychology to get through it. I know Jan can sympathize. In fact, read his latest entry.

Well, we journalism majors certainly are able to bitch and moan. Believe me, the journalism department will get an earful.


*****************************

You are Faye Valentine
Beautiful, smart, deadly, and a bit crazy. You were frozen for awhile, dig gambling, think men are babies and owe a lot of money to a lot of people.
Which Cowboy Bebop Character Are You?

A time to...
Far be it for me to wish to jinx myself, but I think I can safely say that the dreams are gone. [Watch me come back tomorrow and regret this.] I don't know if I've learned what all I'm supposed to learn from them, but I may be well on my way. Probably wouldn't be best for me to post the contents of these night wanderings on my weblog, but here are a few things I think I've come away with.

• I need to release the wondering adolescent in me, to converse freely and deeply again. I want to find that connection with another person. I want to be loved for the way that I think, not just the way that I feel.


• Sometimes I need to be reaffirmed. Tell me I'm real.


• There is a universe of perfection inside our minds, that escapes all the intricacies, strategy, and instinctual madness of Real Life. We can never reach it, but we must revel in its existence. It is all we have of heaven, and all we ever will have.


• I want to know that people can be forgiven.


• Happiness in oneself is knowing happiness for other people, regardless of pain.


• To seek is not always to find, to touch is not to hold, and knowing is unknowing.


• The past is the future.

************************************************
Also, I am getting way sick of this template. It at least needs a right hand sidebar, as well. Der. I'm too busy right now to attack it with Dreamweaver Ultra-Dev 4 that Alex so generously gave to me. Plus, when I open the source, it just f*cks the tables right up. I guess i's time to start over from scratch.

Right now I'm working on Financial Aid for next year. According to the University, I'll be a senior come fall. Already? Jeezus. That means I'll be a fifth year, regardless of how long I've really been here. Sometimes ya fail no matter how hard ya try. ; ) Oh well, c'est la vie. Anyway, I got FAFSA completed about three months earlier than last year so I can qualify for more scholarships. I might even apply for some other random cash grants and stuff. I'm soooooo poor. ^^

Okay, back to work. Yay. Have to work on my 'personal meditation' for VisComm. *gags*

Jamba This
So I finally got myself non-blacklisted for giving blood today. I was "barred" last year after listing my heart arythmea and not being able to convince anyone it was benegn. Finally, I just called the Blood Bank and talked to someone. It didn't take much to convince them that my doctor said it was 'ok.' Sheesh, people.

Then I went to give blood and instead of being set up in the EMU Fir room like usual, they just have a dinky table and the bloodmobile. It's all cute and everythng, but it takes like an HOUR to get the paperwork done. Couldn't even donate before class. Not to mention they're only there from 11-3. I went and got a Jamba juice to console myself. I think I might throw up.... they only make these things in HUGE and SUPER FRIGGIN HUMONGEOUS sizes. I like smoothies but not enough to feed three men! Glech!

Apotheosis
The moon is clear tonight. I see God in every star. One pinpoint of light for every life.

The clouds move in and blanket the city in mist. I freeze inside this moment in time.

I alone am not holding up the sky.

Memories
I've heard and participated in a few interesting discussions in the past few days as to what constitutes the human soul. Is it feeling, experience, self awareness, neutrons? The most convincing suggestion came from Justin, and he says memories make the soul. I think this is probably a combination of the rest of the above listing but I can't help feeling that it's somewhat appropriate. Memories are important to us as human beings because they are how we define ourselves. Memories, in this case, mean more than scientific reaction or conditioning to stimulus, but rather the reflection on self in past situations. Because we can make the past real in the present and change ourselves based on our experiences on more than a cause-and-effect level, we are dynamic individuals. I think this constitutes a soul.

**********************************
What a fun test... hehe


Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

Rar.... originally I got 'lion,' but it wasn't entirely appropirate.

Power Dreams
Last night my Power returned to me in my dreams. It's been so long since I've felt in control that I've been having powerless dreams, in which someone other than me holds the key to my magic. For the first time in a long while, I dreamt about my own sacred light, and my own confident power. Maybe this is a turning point, or maybe it is only an instant... we do forget our dreams.

In the dream, I was the eldest in a line of Egyptian princesses and I knew that someday I would have a daughter and that she would be Queen. I entered a great room alone, I think it was a temple, and there were an odd ten men and women (concubines?) dancing in front of a sacred flame. When I came, I knew that they were all acutely aware of my presence, though they did not stop dancing. And I knew that this was to be a rite of passage. As I moved forward to the front of the room, one of the dancers behind me stepped forward and embraced me. Because I knew what was going to come next, I wasn't afraid. He was going to make me a Sybil. Effectively, infect me with a technovirus that made me into a sort of Oracle. (Read Joan D. Vinge, The Snow Queen for the source of this reference.) He kissed me and pierced my flesh with his teeth and my head started to swim. I know it sounds like corny erotica here, but it hurt like hell. I'm not sure if I walked to the flame or fell before it, but the light consumed my vision and then I found myself outdoors. I wandered the streets, looking at everything in a new light. I felt the pressure of madness in the back of my mind, as my body struggled to deal with the virus, but I was surprised how clear everything looked if I didn't concentrate on the running dialogue in my head. I kept wondering if I were really going mad and if I would reject the virus after all, and suffer the rest of my life with voices in my head. After a while, I realized that the places I was seeing that I thought I knew were really places I had never been before, and where I walked I had never seen. I knew that I had fallen where I had been chosen, and I had been taken to a room where I was being talked to while unconscious. I knew I would wake in a few days time and be able to control what had been given me but in the span of the time that I lay there, I would travel freely the paths of the universe and come to terms with my duty. For those few days I would spend a limitless eternity outside the bounds of my world.

When I awoke, there was blood on my lips.

Random Signage
So we were driving down Willamette (I think) after eating at Misako's, and I just noticed that there's actually an "Elderly Xing" sign near blockbuster. Not JUST a labled Pedestrian Xing, but a dude leaning over on a cane. It's so fucking hilarious. I think there are four of them; two on either side of the street and then another two. Pooor Elderly, can't they even be quantified as regular pedestrians anymore? It's just like "Slow Children Ahead." How insulting! hee hee

Went to a great party last night at Jades. Got pretty drunk, made a few toasts to friendship, patriarchy, and blow jobs. Got more drunk, fell down a little and then went home. Tonight we go to another party... onward, and upward!! Or, perhaps downward, to the level of regular college students. Oh, how I stoop.

In other news, the frigid bitch roomate is now moving out due to "health reasons." I think she hates me. Well, it's not entirely mutual, but I have fleeting moments of murderous rage. So we met her substitute, some guy Riley from Eastern Oregon. Seems like he's had a down-home upbringing, so he might be a little conservative. But he's soft-spoken, laid back, and likes the hash every now and then. And he shows no signs of being a bitch. So he'll be a nice substitute for the current leasee. What happens next? Muzukashi desu ne...

PS... it snows, how it snows...

SOTM
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

We were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know it

Deep Inside of You- Third Eye Blind

Destiny
It seems the destiny of this generation lies somewhere between the "Wired" and the Real. As much as I want to avoid it, I spend most of the day online in some way. I'm "always-on" at work and "always-on" at home. I'm an instant message away from family, friends, and coworkers. This weblog "steals the soul" more than any camera image. I have a 'paper-trail' stretching back to 1995 that anyone can follow through a simple Goodle or MSN search. Part of me has been embedded in the web since early adolescence. It has grown something of who I am. That's not to say I can't function without it, I feel fabulous on a mountain-top, miles away from civilization, but I still get some shiver of satisfaction at jacking back in once I'm home and picking up where I left off. The Net makes the world very, eerily small sometimes. You are only a few clicks away from me. Like the Oracle of Arnie and the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, we are all interconnected. More than ever before in history, we are circles within circles. We are the thin red thread between soulmates and life partners, friends and stalkers, identification numbers and fingerprints. We ARE the web. [[I'm looking forward to watching Serial Experiements Lain in Cyberpunk...]]

I write this because I am convinced that destiny doesn't give up on you. Fate can be CHANGED but it remains true. I think we have a certain hold on our own lives but, to a certain degree, we can never escape the web that we have made ourself part of. Things will come to pass if they are meant to come to pass, we have to act on instinct but, moreover, be patient and instinct will act through us.

Do you still believe your life is an epic? Even after it's thrown you? I don't think it matters if YOU do, your life still believes you are epic. Even if our generation does nothing of merit, I feel somehow that there is something epic in store for us all.


It's strange, the places our Web takes us. I'm not sure what this means for me yet, but I feel that it's important in some very odd and intrinsic sense. A few days ago, I was IMed by someone who had either followed a paper trail or who had found me though someone through someone else's weblog. Now, I will credit this person with posessing the same strange effects of Escaflowne-ish Destiny that I seem to hold, or being a very talented stalker. (No Offense ;) Seven years ago, when I first signed onto the internet on my family's Mac II SI, I was interested in two things, the Lion King and Sailor Moon. Eventually, through some weird twist of fate, Sailor Moon led me to chat at a Web-IRC refresh chat called Japan Window. Pretty soon, I was one of the regulars. And I think I was well spoken for a twelve-year old. Much to my parent's chagrin, I think I obtained the reputation for being one of the "original" JW crowd after chatting on there for maybe a year and a half. I met a lot of people, some more memorable than others. I think I'll credit Ryo-oh-ki, Tuxedo Kitty, and (for some reason?) Storm Kicker. I had a huge crush on this guy named Eddie, and we even talked on the phone a few times. Another buddy, Frank, adopted me as a little-sister and was so kind as to send me some sailor moon posters and the infamous sailor-moon pens. (heh heh) Eventually, I moved on to better chats and bigger online relationships but poked my head into JW every now-and-then. After a while, I was only a Palace chatter, and then really an ICQ junkie.

So the other day, I downloaded AIM to chat with Cat... that same day, Frank IMed me through the paper trail. Not only had it been.... err... about six years since I've talked to my bro, but he really threw me for a loop last night with just about one of the biggest "Red thread" kickers I've ever heard. (watch Lum Urusai Yatsura for the "red thread" story) It turns out that Frank-san knows, by web association, a girl in my Tokyo Cyberpunk class. Not any girl, but Sam, who was comically introduced as the person who corrupted so many people into anime by association on the first day of class. Now, if you know Sam, you know why this is ironic because of further inter-personal connections relating someone she knows and someone I know that I'm not "supposed to talk about online" for various reasons. Okay, I'm being vague but, in essence, it proves to me that we really are all connected. I guess I never really imagined that it could be any other way, but it still gives me some hope for the future, and love for the past. I want to thank all of the players in my story. I love you all so dearly, even if I don't know you well or at all. I hope my effect on you can be as profound and as enlightening as your effects on me.

RSVP
Yahoo, finally a Comments utility that isn't broken or too bogged down to even use. Plus, it's pretty cool and customizeable. Only problem is that it posts the time zone as Eastern. But I really don't care too much about that. Sooo, please feel free to respond to posts, or leave notes for me. Unless this thing breaks, I will get them. After all, I am online like all day. Der...

I'm No Nietzsche, but...
In my opinion romance and chivalry are dead. I don't think I'll ever come home to candlelight and a bottle of wine, men just don't have a clue. Pfeh.
Now, the media just uses things like valentines day to capitalize on our crushes, while sex shops sell lust as love. At least most people understand that love is more than that. I'm glad I'm one of them, but sometimes I wish I were stupid or more naive, so I could expect less and be satisfied with it.

Sorry, I guess I'm just frustrated. It sometimes feels like my relationship is coming to a grinding and unwilling stop.
Only time will tell.

The Oracle of Arnie

And you thought the six degrees of kevin bacon was bad. Try the Terminator. The most we can get is two degrees. WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS??

(though, to be admitted, Dr. Doolittle II gives Arnie a huge advantage with some actors)

The Mathematics of Loooove

So we were talking about sex. I mean, the industry, the recreational past time, the international, primordial phenomenon. Cat makes a good point, sex is a multinational thing. It is a multinational language. In effect, there is math, that universal truth, and there is sex. Truth. Math more than sex? Sex more than math?

Cathy's convinced that the world speaks through us more commonly in the form of sex than math.

This is good, because I can't do math worth a damn.

Mood ATM: Bootylicious

And you may say men suck, Cat. And I may agree somewhat wholeheartedly, but I recall seeing myself in the position that you find yourself in, roles reversed, not so very long ago. Man, I suck. But that doesn't make it any easier. You're a stroooonger woman than I. And, god damn it, you also have a lower purity test score! Is it possible???!!??

Derr... I posted a lot today. But these are really only random 5 minute things.

For a limited time only

This bad boy is taking up all my server space right now, but I may as well post it before I delete it. It's cool.

MEMORIES: Magnetic Rose- Phantom of the Opera
TOO LATE!!

Yay, Quiz Time!

I Stole THESE From Sam







Go Faeries!!


Take the What Faery Are You? Quiz!

This quiz was made by lia




You are 30 - 48% HO!
Ooooo...saucy!
You're no HO but you're certainly no prude!

Pop Princess Britney Spears tested into this category.

THESE I found on my Own:
The Draconity Test
You are 72.0% draconity pure (28.0% draconity corrupt);
According to the scoring guide, your draconity experience level is: May have had a dragon ancestor

Which Goddess Are You?
21-30 points: Athena
Athena was the goddess of battle and the goddess of wisdom (think Buffy crossed with Willow). You are quick in thought and action, and you've got a real aggressive, competitive streak. You don't back down from confrontations, and you can be fierce when protecting your friends or your own honor.

Falling Into Place
I think I'm beginning to understand what it was that's been plaguing me in dreams and in waking life. It's something Justin and I need to work on though, this ability to communicate. I'm just like I was when I was 13, questioning everything I know about myself and the world... but now accepting some of it as concrete. For some reason, it's just more difficult for me to share my epiphanes. I've cut myself off, so to speak. I've been looking to find that connection again, in my dreams. The players are always the same, but I think that contentment would come from sharing the experience with anyone in real life. Some things, I'm learning, don't always magically take place interpersonally. Once you're past the initial rush in a relationship, it can be scary making life-changing decisions, when you think about them. It can be scary to have clarity of hindsight but also struggle to see into the future. But I think you're right, realism, especially when shared by both parties, makes things go a lot smoother. Not that we should forget the dreamer's ideals or anything. : )

Anyhow, I am delighted to learn that IMood has both "genki" and "kawaii" in their list of moods. They do not, however, have "bad" or "zen," both of which I qualify as two very PROMINENT moods that I would like to use. I guess the list is extensive, though, even if some retard added "bootylicious" to it.

Next, I think it's time to announce that I am TIRED OF THIS TEMPLATE. I will be making my own sometime in the near future, given that I can find my dreamweaver code. Somehow I think it'd be easier to be motivated if I was making it for someone else and had an inkling of what themes to use. Huh. Well, say goodbye to "My So-Called Life" and I'll think of a new title sometime in the next ... year... Well, it's nice to CONSIDER starting a project anyway. Plus, then I can try layers or frames and not have to use javascript or inserts to link between table sections. Der. *That's* what's really bugging me, how complicated it is to even get my Bio to display in THIS window. Bastard scripts. Pfeh.

**grins**

Penny's got a new outlook this year/ At least that's what she'd like to hear/ Though I'd beg to differ/ Cause all is still the same back home

Started with the world on fire last fall/ Seems it was the spark of something small/ That grew with conviction/ A personal mission

And what she wouldn't give/ hold them in her hands/ Those 75 little grains of sand.../ A glimpse of the now/ That would change the then/ Those 75 little grains of sand

And all is falling/ Quite undone/ She's letting go/ Letting go for what's to come

-Sarah Masen, 75 Grains of Sand

Burn In

Ohhh yeah, saw something really cool this weekend that I forgot to mention. On the way to Woodburn, we drove through the city to the freeway and saw huge, black, billowing smoke from a fire. I took the opportunity to BE my major and ambulance-chase, so we went to find it across the river. It was a four-alarm blaze, some warehouses caught fire in the industrial district. It was amazing to watch. Large pieces of the building kept catching in the flames and sailing off with the smoke, only to fall again. There's something beautiful and sad about destruction on so large a scale.

"He Buried Her in an Unmarked Grave"
Okay, so this was a sorry-assed attempt at an entry last night. Now I try again.

Whooo... I don't want to DO anything. Too much relaxing this weekend has left my brain uncapable of functioning. So I'll wait patiently for it to turn back on or panic or something. It was another weekend of movies. I finally watched Legally Blonde which was, as everyone says, surprisingly a pretty decent movie. Saw the Waterboy on TV. God, I love Adam Sandler. Also watched a rather """"interesting"""" movie Sunday. No offense, hon, but to a point, sleeping would have been better. Man, porn is SO STUPID. At least the ones that try to take themselves seriously with a plot. Even the ones that TRY to be dumb are sooooo dumb. Maybe it's a girl thing, but how does anyone get off watching this stuff? Seriously, there's like three scenes your watching for and the rest is just laughable. Cha, I dunno... blows my mind. *shrugs* Guess you have to be really lonely or stoned to appreciate it.

ON the OTHER hand.... it wasn't all loafing and laughing. Went to the Portland zoo- a pretty nice zoo- and saw OTTERS (*yay yay yay!* *insane bouncing*), Chimps, and scary Mandrills, among other more boring animals. Oh, and the polar bears were cool : ) : ) They must have been happy because the weather was shitty and bordering on too cold to be outside. And some Lorikeets pooped on us. Sunday, went to Woodburn Outlets and did some much-needed shopping. Lucky me, even though I'm so poor, my parents will cover bare-essentials.

I was thinking about the show, "Friends," with which my younger sister has become obsessed and I realized that I HATE it. Every time I watch it, I feel raw pity for the characters. They're 30-something, can't hold steady jobs, can't commit to love, and have all slept with each other and it's still okay. Wait a minute.... that's like the life I kind of aspire to, except I'll call it, "keeping my options open.." Too bad no one wants to be a part of the harem. Heh Heh. Just kidding, anyway, it kind of scares me to look at life like that. It really is laughable. I guess I do want secirity, a job, a family, something to call MY OWN... I'm just so scared of doing it the *wrong* way. Like picking the wrong major or partner or something. But I guess you have to start somewhere. On the down side, my frigid bitch roomate is now twigging out about the potential of "living with a couple." Make me sick, it'd only be for a term anyway.... I wouldn't want to do it either, but she's MOVING out for chrissakes, and I can't see the long term annoyances really taking effect in 10 weeks. You people have no patience!! GRRR.... Just put up with something less than your golden dream for once, I know I've had to. I think everything will turn out okay, even if I have to find another place for a while.

Here's hoping.

The Psychology of Boredom
So sorry the last few entries have been nothing but manic drivel. That's what happens when one is bored/ tired. I do try to provide some content here, aside from catering to people's lust for random web tests. I've had an interesting 24 hours online. I've taken a position of power in someone else's dreams, and met someone who knows someone I work with. At the same time I posted Sara's blog, Cathy was discovering she wasn't the only one from UO at Opendiary. Turned in my VisComm project this morning, after I kept having dreams about it being late. (I care that much about this class?) Then I went for a latte with Peter and saw Big Gay Matt at Quiznos. Yes, I get Starbucks coffee... they're corporate but they make a damn good drink!! The best thing about a good latte is getting done with it and still having a smattering of foam along the inside lip of the lid and around the bottom of the cup. I get such a thrill out of getting it all out of the cup, as dirty as it looks when I'm trying to deep-throat a starbucks mug. hee hee. Yum!

Plans
I'm outtie for the weekend. I'm going to Portland with a friend to see more friends and do friend things. God DAMN I'm fried. I just finished yet ANOTHER restaurant review for the Oregon Voice. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but all the readers will think I'm a Fat Bastard! (cooool.) Get in ma belly!

Jeet Kune Do hurt my head tonight. Chris didn't show up, so I didn't have to suffer a voluntary ass-kicking (it's always nice to be reminded you're physically INcompetent in some ways) but we did practice falling. It was rather jarring until I remebered to *protect my neck.* Way to think about that, Kat. Oooy. Then I went to Kinkos and printed out my "family image" for VisComm. Boy, that class sucks my balls. If I had balls. Which I also learned I did not have in Jeet Kune Do... yay for groin kicks. The class may blow, but I thought the composite drawing thing I did with Photoshop was pretty cool. For a novice. I'm proud of my mediocrity damn it! And it looks good printed out : ) If you rip it off, I will have the hell hounds of copyright maul your innards. It's the only thing I've made in a Loooong time. Not work, fun!! Am I in the wrong major? SIGH. sigh sigh sigh.

I did a lot of thinking today. Today I decided to move on. I have moved on. I *will* put the past behind me. I will not make a huge mistake and wig out here. *takes deep breath* I am Sooooo Tao. Well, screw that idea... but I refuse to let the past haunt me. Jeez, with all the ghosts people have been seeing, ya'd think it was halloween. [[yes, that was about the lamest thing I could have said]] I love the world, I really do, it just has a TWISTED sense of introspection. Chirrah!

I go to bed now, because I spout drivel.

oh my god, the only thing the internet is good for is stupid tests!!!

More fun tests that I stole and whose results you don't care about anyway... but here they are for you to enjoy!



Which drink are you?

take
the "which country are you?" quiz here.

According to the Which Sanrio Character Are You? quiz, I am:

You have an air of intelligence about you, some might even perceive you as being stuck up. You seem like you may be a nice person when you're not throwing one of your ever-present hissy fits and being a bitch to everyone. And take off your socks when you make whoopie, he hates it! Take The "Which Kevin Smith Female Are You?" Quiz!! Or the "Which Kevin Smith Male Are You?" Quiz!(i'm banky)

Losing my Voice
There is a certain connundrum to weblogs, I've discovered. You print things for yourself and then things for other people. Strangely, it's what's NOT said that's important. Withholding information from parties you know read your log is one of the weirdest things to do. I know people doing it. I'm doing it and it feels dumb. I wanna write downmy thoughts and not password protect them from certain users. Oh well, that's how it's gonna be.

Updates
new blogs posted for Justus and Sara.

I also stole another survey from Sara's blog. I like this one. : )

YATTA!! if you haven't seen this, you need to. The world is better with Yatta. Japanese madness.Try the original flavor or new spoof with Flash animation!

mono no aware....
the sadness of things...

BLAAAAAAHRG

This is what I do at work all day. How productive... how very productive...
*slams head on desk*

How Bizarre are you?

I scored 73.55. I am definitely on the bizarre side. People would look at me strangely if they knew. (don't they already?) I may need some mental counciling.

harvey the mouse must die: this shouldn't be funny, but it is....

My blogger code is: B1 d+ t k s u-- f++ i o++ x- e l c-

The Diva Test

Too bad I have no idea who that is...

Aahhh Random Insanity
Haha, it's working...
Right, well... maybe I write in this too much but unexpectedly it's turned out to bee a good thing. I don't think I've ever been so sucessful in keeping track of random thoughts as I am now. I'm supposed to turn in some freaking journal for VisComm; I might just give the teacher this address... it's certainly more portable than my notebook. (eh, I spend most of my day in front of a glowing screen anyway) I'm having so many good random thoughts lately that I'll be posting a lot. Not that I really care if anyone reads, this is for me. But it's still cool to share.

First on the agenda today, Music. I'm not sure, I might be in the wrong area (writing).. mebby I should concentrate on music or choir or maybe, I think it might be fun to make music videos. There is no way to describe the importance of music in my life. I saw a bumper sticker last night by the school of music that said "music is life, the rest is details." I'm not so sure about that, a lot of the time, but when I'm listening to something really moving, I completely agree. Music is where I derive my power and, if I'm in the right physical/ mental mindset, it takes me somewhere and shows me things. It's really hard to explain but I really do see things when I'm involved in a piece of music, be it something classical or a really loud techno track. I see colors, I see the levels of melody and harmony, I see rhythm spinning and moving and then the song becomes alive. Music tells me stories about my life... for the lack of a better analogy, I see a story overlay. Usually it involves me and other people that are close to me and involved in my energies. With that said, I'd like to note that actually the most important part of this page is the section directly left of the top posts, where I display the "Lyrics of the Moment." These are often all the things I can write, or subtext to the things that I do. More important than the little smiley that denotes mood. That's bullshit, it's in the music. I've always wondered if anyone else has visualized music like I do. I was Geiss before Geiss was on my computer. I've always wondered if I were hooked up to electrodes while "in trance," if there would be some super level of brain activity. I wonder.... And I have this (ARRGH) song stuck in my head... I know the chorus and I don't know the name of the song. It's poppy alterna-rock, something they play on DMX when I'm at the Rec center... something I need to post here, but I CAN'T figure out the name of the song! There are too many songs out there with similar lyrics combos so Google isn't any help at all. Meh.

Speaking of music, or not. I watched American Pie again a couple nights ago. The first time I watched it, it was the "uncensored" version and it got interrupted like a million times... this was the regular lame-ass one. The whole movie is INDESCRIBABLY STUPID. Much more stupid than the last time I watched it. I know it's "supposed" to be stupid, but I still hate it. I wanted to castrate all those guys.ANYWAY..... err... what I was getting at is some more suble irony. So, remember that one guy who joins Jazz choir and actually "falls in love" with the chick from American Beauty? It struck me as kind of hilarious that they were participating in a jazz choir in Michigan and singing songs like "how sweet it is to be loved by you." I found this funny because I used to go to high school in Michigan and the choir that I was in has taken state every year for the past.... god... 20 years? So that would have been our chamber and concert choirs up there with the "American Pie" weenie choir kicking their sorry asses in Lansing. Heh heh.

Third, I feel like a moron. I get all weirdy and meloncholy because no one knows me around here, and then all these people say hi to me and I have NO idea who the fuck they are! Do I lead two lives? In the night, when I have whacked dreams, am I really living them? (that would be nice, wouldn't it?) Who are these people and WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER WHERE I MET THEM??? Arrrgggghhh.... and then I usually say "hi" back and just kind of deedle along whilst my brain is wracking itself... or I have to apologize for my idiocy and admit my sudden amnesia. Sometimes, after they TELL me, I STILL don't remember. That's why I was surprised when, over break, I recognized my flight attendant as the guy that drove Justin and I to prom. IT IS SUCH A SMALL WORLD. I WISH MY BRAIN WORKED BETTER... =P

[there was just a dog in my office...] I always assumed people who used Unix had to know something about computers because, to me, it seems to much more complicated to learn and use. Well, I was wrong. How disappointing.

Two Ships
It's strange, the things you come upon, when you least expect to....

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,
Only a signal shown and distant voice in the darkness;
So the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another,
Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and silence.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow,
Tales of a Wayside Inn, Part III,
The Theologian's Tale, 1873

Understanding?
I think I realized why people DON'T live their lives as if they were going to die tomorrow. At least, why *I* don't, anyway. It's not because we're cowards, though some of us are. It's because we aren't dying and we're afraid of saying what we keep inside because we know we'll have to live with the outcome. And even if you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel and you're desperate to be somewhere else, there's always somewhere you fear putting yourself more than where you are now.

Patience, and the moment to act.

Random
Add two letters to Glow and you get Glower. Opposites by discreet translation. How weird.

A Declaration of Self

"The only thing worse than an unanswered question is an unquestioned answer."

Is this it? No, this is not it. There is more, there is an unending open sky to walk beneath or to lay and gaze into. There are countless stars. There is cool air and the deep, breathing sea.

I need to be free.

When is anything really over? When is the time to end something or begin something new? The answer is, irrevocably, NOW. I will not censor myself. I will not hide that I am human. If you fear me, I will only draw you closer. If you love me, I will push you away. I am all sides to all things. I am infinite.

I am floating in stasis, hung by the strings of the universe, each connected to each. This is my light. I have given it to you.

I wonder if and if, every person is really a part of another. Is there someone to whom we are truly connected? Are we connected to everyone equally? If we listen hard enough, can we hear the wish of another's soul? If I close my eyes and go to sleep, are the voices in dialogue inside my head mine alone... or when we float in the subconscious do we merge and speak freely as we are unable to do in waking life? I am searching. Sometimes there are photographs in my mind, of times that never were and things that never happened. Or did they happen? Were we really there?

I think it's possible to meet one's soul mate in passing and absolutely hate them. To belong to someone so utterly and completely dissimilar from whatever ideal one possesses that you will never, in a thousand years, find this person. If you do find this person, how will you know? If you find them and don't know them and pass them, might you never see them again? Or is there some greater force that binds the destined or the damned together?

I believe in magik, without a doubt. I believe in points of power and rising mists and faeries. I believe that I could be MORE than human if I tried. If I dreamed hard enough. For now I choose to be human and let the music take me elsewhere... when I choose to be more than human I take myself away from the waking world and live in one of dreams. A lonely world, that it is, but magik. For now, I see words in air and trace visions in the chords of synthesized mathematics.

I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the west, and remain Galadriel.

She Will Change your Life...

Last night I saw Amelie at the Bijou. I HIGHLY recommend it. I think it may have been one of the best movies I've ever seen. It was WONDERFUL.

Now I'm making venison Chili and trying to recover from more Dreams last night. I really should start counting. If this had happened to me a few years ago, I have the feeling I'd already have taken serious action... but now I'm leading a powerless life, so I'll just take it and hope they go away before I'm institutionalized or refuse to get out of bed at all.

That's More Like It
Okay, so this weekend is how I wish my life felt all the time. Aside from the $500 negligent driving citation Justin got on the way down here, narcotics accusations aside. Last night went to the Decou peoples' huge party a block down the street. We showed up before 10:30 to find the house packed with people I'm not sure anyone knew and the alcohol supply drained. Not that that was a huge loss, the people there were really cool and I saw some guys from my classes and reunited with some friends from the dorms last year. The party didn't last too long due to someone's speculation that the police had been called in. I suspect one of the residents of the house used it as an excuse to clear out the house... cause how the heck would someone at the party know that the police were coming? Anyway, so then we took some bokken and went to IHoP and ate till we wanted to puke. Thankfully the security guy didn't mind the sparring in the parking lot. The I fell asleep at Murry-san's house watching Gattaca @ 3:30.

Tonight there's another party next door. Not sure if I'm gonna go but the Absolut Improv guys who live there are cool. Right now I'm getting ready to go review another place for the Oregon Voice's "night life" section. I hope everyone notices that I do all the food columns and things I'm fat. *grins* Drove around Eugene today and looked at the city in a new light. It seems bigger when I feel more in-control. There are a lot of places out there that I haven't been and might like to go. Perhaps I'll see Amelie tonight. Oh yeah, and Waking Life IS coming to the Bijou.

Holy Moley
Well, damn, I was out of the loop for three weeks and all of a sudden Survivor is over! I guess I should have watched last night because ETHAN won!!! YAY!! There is some justice in the world!! (for really really really really really cute and nice soccer players.) *drools* What a dumb show.... but what an utterly HOT guy. *collapses* He probably doesn't have nearly has many fan sites as Legolas does. maybe I should build him a shrine. Maybe he'd give me part of his million. Muahahaa... erm... excuse me.

What Dreams May Come
Well, I was wrong about being free of the dreams. There's still too much on my mind for them to let me be. There have been about 25 of them since late September... But at least they seem to be getting better, longer and more involved but still sad. It makes me wish I could choose one or the other, either sleep or waking life. But then, I do generally question whether reality is just like any other dream but confined to linearization. I guess that means I'm dreaming right now. So why can't I fly?

Murray, I would have commented directly into your log but all comment utils seems to be screwed up ight now. In response to your note on the "man who wasn't" there, I know exactly what you mean. I'm confident there's a world beneath the perception of the average human mind and that only those tainted by magic or insanity can see it ... and that certain times of the day, dawn, evening, and midnight, the curtain between this world and ours draws thin.

Rupert
New pictures of my cat!
On the bed.
A la Photoshop.

What can I say, I'm bored out of my skull.

SIGH
Okay, first, let me apologize beforehand because this entry will probably sound like some self-depreciating whining schoolgirl's diary. Secondly, let me explain to you that you are correct in assuming that's what it is. Okay, maybe it's more of a philosophical dilemma. I'm having a hard time justifying my existence right now. I feel like I don't matter in any way, shape or form. Not on the grand scale of things, nor on the small. If I left this earth tomorrow, who would weep for me? There would be those who would say "thus she came, and there she went..." but to whom would I really matter? In what way would I have made a difference among "men" in a way worthy of pride or recognition? In what way would I have been an honorable person? Would I have suceeded in cherishing what mattered to me or simply in taking it for granted?

I feel alone and I feel fruitless. I can't move forward here because I can't meet people. I'm too busy trying to erase my existence in lieu of the undercurrent of sadness that haunts me. I want to escape everyone and everything because I feel like don't fit in anywhere. I'm an extroverted loner, however curious that may sound. And it blows. No one ever assumes I'm alone, but I am. I've caged myself to prevent myself from gaining anyone, so that I never have to lose them. I hate this place, I need a change. Somewhere where maybe every time I try to find some relief I don't find some sort of graffiti on the wall that says "you're not worth it" or "this is my big Fuck You." I want to be worth it. I want some goddam company. I want college to stop feeling more like high school than high school did. (don't get me wrong, that sucked too) I want to stop caring so much what certain people think. ((and right now I'd really give to smother my roomate so I don't have to listen to him pillow talk with his girlfriend))

What I want more than anything from life is to be heard, to have a voice... through words, action, and expression. Does anyone really understand me? IS ANYONE REALLY LISTENING? Are the people I cry out to even hearing me? Am I worth being loved in return? And yes, I can be embittered too. I know what it's like to care about someone and feel like I'm being kicked back. FUCK YOU if you don't believe me. You know, I try so hard every day and I can't excape it. The worst feeling in the world is learning something and not being able to put it to good use or even to teach what you've learned for being so helpless. And you know, sometimes what I would really give is to be able to reincarnate myself holding onto the things I now know, and make my decisions based on that knowledge.

I've been an object of affection for so long that I've forgotten to make friends. Five years, and the close circle I had at the beginning of that are lost now to the distance of seven states. Don't get me wrong, I see people I love every day. I count my blessings and my strength because people at work can make me smile and when I walk down the street I know so many faces by name. But then I go home and I feel alone and I feel like pandering to the "popular crowd" but I hold back for fear that they all hate me too. Really, I just need to let this out and I feel pathetic just writing it. But I cry every day. Yeah, part of it is the freaking hormones getting out of my system... but for the most part I've been deregulated and my emotions aren't in control of my life any more. ((not a case for paxil at least... please, take my advice and avoid Depo Provera)) Right now I'm drinking vanilla milk and bingeing on chocolate in an attempt to make myself feel better.

Okay, so the point of this is WHAT? THE POINT IS.... I'd like to say something to the world, just one thing, one very big thing:

I LOVE YOU....
Love me back?

Exploding Dog

Fun pictures of stick people. Very FUNNY stick people. See Exploding Dog.

A small selection of my favorites so far:

it was free so I took it
My computer made me dizzy
I'm not sure this is healthy
Keep going till you die
Why does it have to be so complicated?
meaningful work
God this is swell
what do you do with a psycho roomate
sometimes your first idea is not the best
he will fly again
Yes, I do feel good about it

Hehehehe

I'll keep that in mind....




Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz



Your personality score is 35

What does this score mean?

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest...Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

Personality Test

Post

"i'd like to arrange a little heart to heart.
with everyone who's ever fucked me over,
held me down, told me i couldn't do it.
i'd like to arrange a big fuck you to anyone
who's ever put me under a glass ceiling,
expected less out of me, or overlooked me.
i'd like to arrange a little lesson to whoever said
women are the weaker sex,
to the man who decided girls can't do math or science,
to the heads of companies who use us more and pay us less.

i'd like to tell you.

i've been there i've done it
i've reached it i've computed it
i've figured it i've accomplished it
i've loved it. and i did it by myself."

A little tribute to http://www.antilove.com

I'm Saaiillliinnnng Awayyyyyy
Okay, um, I'm in a good mood. Pretty damn good. Yesterday was a bit of a drag and I managed to exacerbate that by getting into a heated discussion with my significant other over what? None other than my own foul mood and the fact that I was rained on on the way home from class. Okay, well, it's not that simple but it sucked anyway. I haven't been sleeping too well, I keep waking up all through the night and being extremely COMFORTABLE but nevetheless awake. At least those dreams haven't returned. I hope I managed to talk myself out of having them. They don't help much when trying to get through the day. I must be insane to take on the sheer volume of STUFF that I'm doing this term. This is a copy of the timetable. Impressive, ne? That's 19 credits and a 20 hour work week, plus mentoring and an unpaid editorial position. I want to keep busy since it prevents me from getting too lonely or thinking too much but at the same time, keeping this busy is a double-edged sword. Too much stress and too little time make for feeling just as miserable as sitting around doing nothing. At least this makes more time for spring. I hate winter! Friggin Pacific Northwest rain squalls. I think I saw more sun the week I was in Montana than I did the whole time I was in Seattle over break.

Today is a notable exception. My GOD is it gorgeous outside! It's warm and sunny and it feels like April instead of... January 8th. ^.^ I want to run around and pick flowers and frolic in a fields. Hehe. I want to hug people. : ) I could use a good long week of Euphoria.

Often, when I'm seeing things in a more positive light, I like to people watch when I'm walking around. It just struck me how rare it is that people respond well to being looked at anymore. Even just a smile or a nod when passing someone by seems to make them nervous. Making eye contact or being caught looking at someone's face seems to put people off even more. I understand that it's personal but it's so hard to even offer a greeting when people walk around all day with their heads down. I do the same when I'm feeling low or vulnerable and it makes me wonder if the whole world operates that way most of the time. Damn shame, in my opinion.

SoTM tribute to Tokyo Cyberpunk, Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

In Other News
Wow, Monday will be my LOOOOONG day.... lemme tell ya.

But I got a cool new G4 at work today, with OS 10.1. Yipee!

Beware of Kat...

*innocent eyebrow raise* ^^
I am 39% evil.




I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

The Road Home
It's a funny feeling, unpacking. I think I put a little of myself in those suitcases, so it's almost like taking my life out of the bag and putting it back where it belongs. Not that I'm saying clothes are my life; quite on the contrary. As Tyler Durden says, "you don't own your stuff, your stuff owns you." It makes sense when I think about travelling. When I'm in transit, I'm free... it's one of the only times I allow myself to feel truly enlightened. I take off the chains, I meditate, I celebrate life as the world goes by. THe only reason I can do this is because I put that little piece of myself into the suitcase. Maybe I should leave it there... it's difficult to settle in with everything back in its place. I keep looking around and waiting for the full feeling of last term to settle in. I want things to be different, stronger and less fearful. I want to hold onto the feeling of enlightenment that I gathered in the last week. I want to wake from sleep every morning and take up a piece of paper and write the poetry of waking dreams, whatever comes to mind, good or bad, to burn or release in ritual and live each day to the fullest. I know I won't have time for that, though... I know I'll get caught up, I always do. [but at least I can vent here!! : )]

I'm lonely right now, but thanks to a surprise O.Voice meeting, I at least had something to do but I'm now left to ponder... which I usually choose to do instead of being social. Why? Hm. My cat is sleeping upside down on the bed...

I feel a strange in this combination of being peacefully enlightened and extremely human. I guess the next few days will be a precarious fine line. I want to smile and love myself with pride but it's hard when I feel vulnerable. [[I want to listen to my Joni Mitchell, but someone has my MP3s still. : ) ]] Oh well, I let go, it's the only thing left to do.

Time to unpack.

You're smarter than everyone else, to the point that you speak in an enigmatic, figurative language that other people have to figure out to understand you. You're a living riddle, and you know how wise you are. People get pissed off by you if you're too esoteric, though. Better stop smoking that hookah for inspiration, and come back down to earth once in a while.

Joni Mitchell
By the way.... in case you didn't know... Joni Mitchell is the most awesome folk singer in the world.
That, and she never lies.

Falling Softly
Again in Bellevue for a short moment. In a few hours I'll leave for Portland, overnight there, and head back to Eugene. Back to work, back to school, back to mentorship and editing. I'm still nervous about the coming weeks but now I think I have what it takes to make it, alone or otherwise.

The past week has been one of adventure and contemplation. The day after I flew into Helena, we packed up and drove to Bozeman, where we stayed in the Silver Forest Inn, a bed and breakfast about a quarter mile away from the Bridger Bowl ski area. Three out of the five days we were there, I downhill skiied- a feat for me because I only learned to downhill last year. Bridger was nicer than Discovery, where we went last year, and had more "green" runs. I think I ran most of those (they had some nice long ones) and a few blues. We even went to the top of the mountain once... that was... interesting.

Other than that, I played in the snow a bit as it got progressively deeper. Justin and I made friends with the innkeeper's golden retriever, Bailey, who kept us company outside. Sometimes it was nice just to sit and watch the snow fall softly. Not that it was terribly quiet indoors, the whole Inn was rented out by the Speyers and about sixteen of their friends/ friends' children. The power went out once or twice, prompting sudden games of poker by candlelight or capture the flag... (which I didn't ever get around to playing) Mostly, I just read a lot. Took in some more of the "Two Towers", finished "The Red Tent", "Wise Child", and flipped through "Fast Food Nation." My pick of the week was "The Four Agreements," a "Toltec Wisdom book." Basically Zen self-help. It wasn't very well written, in my opinion... but I recommend it to anyone who is having trouble forgiving themselves for something. That and good conversation with Bev Magley ; )

I don't neccesarily live a quiet life in any respect, though I know my past is a lot less screwed up than many people my age. I have a pretty active mind and I can make an adventure out of anything. I can also contemplate a wall for hours. I think a lot. I think too much, sometimes, and I get caught up punishing myself for stupid things. Now, however, after a week of contemplation [and some moments of murderous rage... ahem] I can finally feel a sense of quietude creeping back up upon the borders of my mind. I feel rested and not neccesarily yet at rest- but getting close. It's easier to see the world when you're not convinced it revolves around you.