SIGH
Okay, first, let me apologize beforehand because this entry will probably sound like some self-depreciating whining schoolgirl's diary. Secondly, let me explain to you that you are correct in assuming that's what it is. Okay, maybe it's more of a philosophical dilemma. I'm having a hard time justifying my existence right now. I feel like I don't matter in any way, shape or form. Not on the grand scale of things, nor on the small. If I left this earth tomorrow, who would weep for me? There would be those who would say "thus she came, and there she went..." but to whom would I really matter? In what way would I have made a difference among "men" in a way worthy of pride or recognition? In what way would I have been an honorable person? Would I have suceeded in cherishing what mattered to me or simply in taking it for granted?

I feel alone and I feel fruitless. I can't move forward here because I can't meet people. I'm too busy trying to erase my existence in lieu of the undercurrent of sadness that haunts me. I want to escape everyone and everything because I feel like don't fit in anywhere. I'm an extroverted loner, however curious that may sound. And it blows. No one ever assumes I'm alone, but I am. I've caged myself to prevent myself from gaining anyone, so that I never have to lose them. I hate this place, I need a change. Somewhere where maybe every time I try to find some relief I don't find some sort of graffiti on the wall that says "you're not worth it" or "this is my big Fuck You." I want to be worth it. I want some goddam company. I want college to stop feeling more like high school than high school did. (don't get me wrong, that sucked too) I want to stop caring so much what certain people think. ((and right now I'd really give to smother my roomate so I don't have to listen to him pillow talk with his girlfriend))

What I want more than anything from life is to be heard, to have a voice... through words, action, and expression. Does anyone really understand me? IS ANYONE REALLY LISTENING? Are the people I cry out to even hearing me? Am I worth being loved in return? And yes, I can be embittered too. I know what it's like to care about someone and feel like I'm being kicked back. FUCK YOU if you don't believe me. You know, I try so hard every day and I can't excape it. The worst feeling in the world is learning something and not being able to put it to good use or even to teach what you've learned for being so helpless. And you know, sometimes what I would really give is to be able to reincarnate myself holding onto the things I now know, and make my decisions based on that knowledge.

I've been an object of affection for so long that I've forgotten to make friends. Five years, and the close circle I had at the beginning of that are lost now to the distance of seven states. Don't get me wrong, I see people I love every day. I count my blessings and my strength because people at work can make me smile and when I walk down the street I know so many faces by name. But then I go home and I feel alone and I feel like pandering to the "popular crowd" but I hold back for fear that they all hate me too. Really, I just need to let this out and I feel pathetic just writing it. But I cry every day. Yeah, part of it is the freaking hormones getting out of my system... but for the most part I've been deregulated and my emotions aren't in control of my life any more. ((not a case for paxil at least... please, take my advice and avoid Depo Provera)) Right now I'm drinking vanilla milk and bingeing on chocolate in an attempt to make myself feel better.

Okay, so the point of this is WHAT? THE POINT IS.... I'd like to say something to the world, just one thing, one very big thing:

I LOVE YOU....
Love me back?