Trust
I had a conversation about trust last night. It ended mostly when we tried to come to a concensus on the definition of trust and discovered that there was some ambiguity. Trust, in my opinion, is when you don't feel vulnerable around someone, when you give them the benefit of a doubt and show them your real self, hoping that they won't damage you in any way. Trust, to a great extent, is knowing that someone will keep their word to you. Trust is also believing in yourself. Trust is equal to repect but, resciprocally, respect does not equal trust. Trust is confidence in someone, trust is the strength you find in them to hold you up.

I didn't used to believe I was a trustworthy person. I had a lot of doubt in my mind as to whether, when it came down to it, I could strike a low blow. Because I doubted myself and failed to retain confidence in my abilities, I wasn't trustworthy. I learned that I could hurt someone in shitty ways but that betrayal isn't as simple as it seems in movies, that it has a lot more to do with search for self than it does with motives. I also learned that blows like that cripple those who inflict them as badly as they do their victims. I don't think I'll ever need to go on a rampage like that again. ^^ heh heh

So, last night I decided that I am trustworthy. First, because I can now put my trust in others. Secondly because I believe, in my heart, that I will not hurt a person for the sake of hurting them. I'm not capable of doing that sort of thing. I'm only capable of hurting someone if the benefits to my own well-being outweigh the benefits of their suffering. It sounds like a selfish world... maybe it is one....

This is the conclusion, to a point, of my thoughts on the subject:
Private Post
I just wish I could make you understand this.

The problem with this philosophy is that it makes it hard to share yourself with someone.
When I was a little girl, thought I would never get married. I didn�t want children because I had seen how my parents failed at raising us. I didn�t want a man because men were bad. I wanted to live in a house with my best friend. I never even considered that I might be living with a boyfriend at nineteen years of age. Things have changed, I want children, and I want to build a home- eventually. But this is still only a small part of me. This is biology, this is Woman, but Wild Girl speaks louder.

I don�t think I ever completely got over the idea that Men are bad. This is genderism, I know, but I can�t help it. On a certain, fundamental level, Men are intimidating. This has made me very, very selective in my choice of mates and frequency with which I change partners. Even though I have been seeing exclusive partners for the past five years, Wild Girl still hates the idea of being tied to �a man.� She sees herself raising a girl-child alone and teaching her in the way of the Wild.

What I am realizing, after wounding one and struggling with another, is that these Men are fragile, too. They were delicate once and some still are, inside. A relationship doesn�t have to be about belonging, it should be about partnership. I can still live in a house with my Best Friend, as long as he does his chores and keeps the bed warm with me on a Sunday morning. ; )

Yes, to a certain extent, you crossed the line of my trust last night, Wolf Pup... but it was only because I allowed you to and because you needed to, so I, of course, forgive you. And I love you all the more. It's just... well, scary, to be afraid of you in the slightest sense because I trust you most of all.

A note for you.

In conclusion, let me explain that to you readers that this blog is my way of venting, I generally write more the bad things here than the good. Don't get me wrong, the last four days of entries HAVE been pretty heavy, but I've been feeling *great* about life. Light thoughts carry a person through the day while heavy thoughts drag them down. When I've got something on my mind that I need to deal with, I will put it here right away to get it out in the open. I generally don't mull over positive things, I revel in them and save them all for myself. ; )