stroking my ego
Yesterday was a difficult day. It really helped to have a few drinks and some food with Kim after those classes. We had quite a good time and I would have felt much better if not for my bloody feet... I've been trying to dress nicely and all my shoes give me HEINOUS blisters where the straps are!! I was also extremely stressed and tired after a full day and not enough sleep. It was great to meet Kim (from 35 Degrees), who is a really cute and fun person. =D We took a load off in an Izakaya (bar) in the Shinjuku Kabukicho (like, kind of the shady pimped-out part of town. And when I say pimps, I mean really). We will DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY get together for karaoke. I am SO ready.

Of course, the classmates who I told about Kim were cautious that I was meeting someone from the internet. I guess "meeting someone from the internet" calls up images of freaky drooling 30-something male sociopaths. Of the two other people I've met from online chat, one was a long-time boyfriend and the other a UofO comrade. Let's just say that I wasn't worried AT ALL about my attempt to meet Kim in Shinjuku. I mean god, what did these people think was going to happen? That I'd be nabbed by some stranger in an extremely public place? I sort of laughed at them, told them I've seen tons of pictures of Kim and anyway, if I didn't see anyone resembling the pictures then the meeting wouldn't exactly happen, would it? I guess I don't need to explain that Kim is not, in fact, a 30-year-old male sociopath. Some might call me stupid for having had internet meetings over the last six years but I'm seriously of the opinion that only stupid people are kidnapped by internet sociopaths. The people I've met on the 'net are some of the best friends I've ever had, mainly because they know so well how to express themselves. Same case with Kim. I think we'll get along great!!

So we had a fun time and then I went home and crashed (hence last night's brief entry). I'm still feeling a bit strung out today. And emotionally destructive. Very dramatic and it is NOT a good sign. Of course, I expected being here to be an emotional exposee, showing me what my priorities are but what I didn't anticipate was what it would be like to actually deal with it. I think, however, that it's quite normal to freak out a bit. I don't know. We'll see. I'm being purposefully ambiguous because how I feel really changes from moment to moment.

Like I said, today was much better. The Japanese class is still stupidly remedial but actually I'm finding it nice to have a review. It's clarifying a lot for me. In fact, I'm picking up lots of nice new trivial stuff. Yay. I'm still going to try to place up a level or two if I can but the staff is so friggin unhelpful. You'd think that here of all places they'd let you hang yourself with your own rope and choose the damn class you want. But nooooo, they want to go by that STUPID placement test that only comprehensively tested new students and experienced students and left all the intermediate students to flounder. You think they'll listen to advice about their testing methods either? Oh no, not in Japan.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just stupid. I'm seriously a bit dyslexic at Japanese. I always get things backwards and things like that. It makes me look like a big retard. But I have more classes than just Japanese and all my English classes are refreshingly good at making me feel smart again. Half of the day I'm having intellectual discourse and the other half I'm saying things like "I goed store and buy many thing good yes?" in broken Japanese. Pffh.

My english language clases are pretty good though. The theatre and religion classes, although promising, may be a bit dry. The Buddhist religion teacher really had no clue what was the deal with his class or even that it was an international division class. Despite that our books are supposedly covered by our CIE deposit, he immediately requested that we buy a $50 book, that he hopes is still around because it was published twenty years ago. Oh, and he's not sure where to find it in English. Greeeaaaat. Well, I guess that's his problem figuring it out because none of us are going to until he tells us.

I'm taking this "English and Japanese in contrast: culture and language" class taught by a cultural anthropologist. Seems like it'll be excellent and a fun discourse in linguistics, cultural studies and ethnography. GREAT preparation for my thesis. Might consider independent study credits in the spring. Also had "Tokyo in Literature" today, a combination reading/discussion and creative writing class. The teacher is also very good and it should be an entertaining class.

Tomorrow I have no classes. Thursday I have class from 9:40 to 4 and Friday I only have my morning class until noon. So the majority of my classes are on Monday and Tuesday. Both of those days (despite a Monday open period) I'm on campus from 9:40 until 6PM. Yay me. Gotta find some way to make my lunch because buying is expensive. Needless to say, that's a LONG day. Especially on Tuesday where I'm in the same damn room for EVERY CLASS.

Since I get home at 6:30, it makes sense that they eat dinner so late here. [I'm still wondering, however, how a Japanese diet will affect me. Mostly it seems light, though often I eat more fried foods than I normally would (but in smaller quantities).] We got out of class a little early today so some of the gaijin walked to Takadanobaba station and went to the Hyaku-en (one dollar) store there for school supplies. I do enjoy walking to and from the station in the morning and evening, despite that it's a 15 minute walk on top of a 1/2 hour commute. It helps me wake up and unwind and there are always interesting things to see on the way. One thing in particular that's caught my eye over the last week is that there's always a line at the Pachinko parlor before it even opens. Pachinko is a popular game here in Japan; it's like pinball with bazillions of little silver balls... except that it's for money. Like under-the-counter money because gambling is technically illegal. Anyway, it's so popular that there are parlors everywhere and people line up to get in. Freaking weird, man. Like native american casinos on japanese crack.

At both ends of my commute today, I had interesting and flattering interactions with some of the natives. While I was waiting for the bus today at my station, a middle-aged man in the front of the line turned around and asked me, in some grammatical structure I didn't recognize, if I was American. I sort of blathered yes and missed most of the rest of what he said. It was rather funny, though, because what I did gather was that he told me I was very beautiful and then jokingly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend or if he could be my boyfriend. Then he shook my hand and got on the bus and we didn't speak another word. While this might seem weird, he wasn't creepy or anything; it just seemed like he was trying to give me an offhand flirty complement, sort of joking-like.

Then, on the way home through Takadanobaba, a gaggle of (probably) middle-school girls were walking next to me and some of the other gaijin. The guy next to me told me that they were "checking me out" but I sort of didn't believe him (or notice) until one of them turned and looked up at me (they were about my height) and said to her friend, "Sugoi! (Read: cool)". Woot. I am so the American Goddess.

With all the stress I'm exeriencing this week, it really does help to have my ego stroked a little bit. Makes me smile in the moments between gritted teeth. I got a list of modeling agencies to go by now. Some are from the program coordinator, others from friends. If I can grow the balls to call/ email them and speak to them in broken Japanese or English then I might be set for work. All I need is a couple thousand dollars ($2 grand would be more than enough) over the course of the year for more "beer" and "travel" money and I'd be set. Still, it's difficult to get up the nerve to attempt to go out looking. And then I have to fill out "work permits," etc. Maybe I'll call some this weekend and go out next Wednesday when I have class off.

Oh God, and I'd just like to say that this family dog is terribly obnoxious. There's no way I'll grow to love it. It's just the stupidest animal ever, really. It's always scratching at me, humping me, barking at me. I'm sure all it wants is attention but if I give it any then it ALWAYS wants more. Anyway, I can't bring myself to play with it. It's better to ignore it. Sorry, HIM... I should say HIM. The dog isn't neutered (as very few here seem to be) so it's definitely a "him." Stupid horny dog.

Another thing that occurred to me today is how different the "visible" Japan is from the "anime" Japan. I mean, so many of us gaijin come here drawn by the world we see in anime, which is our American exposition to Japan and what we find is completely different yet still the same. Of course, it seems obvious and, in a way, it is. Japan is NOT a cartoon. Life here is much more serious and mundane than in any given "hijinks" anime. It's the real world. Yeah, it's freaky-weird and comical almost all the time. Yeah, I've seen scads of girls dressed up in freaktacular outfits (like doll clothes and goth-clown things) that you'd never even see in the Seattle U-District. And... I'm sure there are plenty of comical things going on around me but I'm simply too unskilled to understand the humour.

BUT, my point is that the real Japan seems to much more cold than the anime Japan and that's not something I expected. It's not the people, per se. Everyone I've met (with the exception of one or two) has been welcoming and polite. There's just so much here that you never see. The stuff that brings you down. Like the economic depression, homeless people, teenage (and other) prostitution, youth crime, loss of identity. In a city so vast, the "vibe" of these problems is overwhelming. Tokyo feels "cold" to me because it's too easy to get swept away. Everyone's thoughts are floating around in the air. Everyone's secrets and dreams are snatching at my ears. There are so many people here, so much raw chi that it's hard to think. It's all a knotted mass of lines and colors. I can't see anything, I can't find my own place except in precious few moments. My hope is that as I become oriented I'll learn to read Tokyo as clearly as I can read the Pacific Northwest. Right now it's all a mess. I can't hear myself think. I promised myself before I came here though, I won't let this city take my power from me. I won't lose myself in the city. I won't become this solemn person that I fear. I will stop letting the flow determine my direction. I will stop letting the past determine my direction. I will learn to think for myself.

I will learn to grow even where there is no soil, where there is no air, where the sky is almost out of reach.

exile
I wake up an hour earlier than I'm supposed to from a terrible dream, except that nothing is really so terrible about it. It's just, JUST like real life except none of the hurt is veiled. Why do I even care? Will it ever stop? I want so badly now to be angry like I never was. I'm waiting for that numbness I think will never come. Go away-- just let me sleep in peace. Go away, farther than an ocean away. Go away, farther than where I cannot reach you. Go away. Get out of my head.

I want to hate you.



Addendum: This post was written in the moments after I woke up from said dream before I went back to sleep for 45 minutes. In a way, it was actually good to get such a dream out of my system. I just hope it doesn't become re-occurring. Sorry for the drama. I feel better now.

50 words or less
today tired japanese class stupidly easy long day little sleep lonely sad no contact from friends bored dissapointed somewhat sad tired met kim kabukicho drinks and food izakaya much fun too tired homework must move up in japanese class level dissapointed frustrated lonely tense depressed tired busy want to go home

All by myself
I somehow managed to coordinate a group trip to Shibuya today with Ian, Reinier and Colin. I was glad to find out that many of the people I called were just sort of chilling like me. Good thing, because it means that I don't feel like I'm wasting so much time watching anime at home, etc. So today I learned:

-I can use my cell phone practically, efficiently and almost entirely understand it all
-I can get to Shibuya easily by myself for 150Y (it's only 3 stops from my station)
-I can go out with friends and feel 200% better
-I can actually find people by that famous dog statue where everyone meets
-I can enjoy myself even if we only look at one city block for 2 hours
-I can realize that Shibuya is supremely awesome
-I can find Mandrake, a basement-level anime/manga store, which quite possibly the most awesome thing EVER
-I can buy what looks like a Yaoi manga for 200Y
-I can find out that in fact I bought a Yaoi novel. Time to practice the kanji!
-I can easily go back to said store and buy, without hesitation or embarrassment, piles of yaoi for like practically free.
-I can point and squeal like a tourist at the weird ramen truck (do those silos actually have ramen in them??!?! or is it a billboard??)
-I can feel like a totally giddy dork for the first time since arriving here
-I can feel proud to not get lost in the sea of people that could easily sweep anyone away

Perfect. Just perfect. Seventy-two degrees and sunny. Wanting to find god, find some addiction, find some drama, find something. And with that I would like to finally say "AAAAAHAHAHA, neener neener," to all of you otaku at home because I'm HEEEERE and YOUUUU'RE NOOOOTTT. I was actually very worried by how little anime I've seen around since arriving. I guess it's not as prevalent as anticipated.

Time to go be social with the family. Am hiding the Yaoi in my desk. Will keep it in a stash there. Yaoi makes me happy in the same way furries make me happy. I love them both with all my little heart.

Is that so wrong?

regrets, I've had a few- but then again...
I'm taking today as a sort of day of rest. Chilling out, watching some anime, you know. I tell myself it's because I've been so busy but really it's because I'm a cowards. I want to go out exploring but I'm terrified. I'm terrified of speaking. I'm terrified of being swallowed alive by this city. I'm terrified of losing my confidence and independence when I really have no reason to be afraid... those things have already (temporarily) been lost.

When you were a child, did you ever make a "secret language" with your friends? Learning Japanese, or trying to, is like attempting to master a secret language gone terribly awry. It's just SO different from Enlish that you have to start from ground zero. And with the human brain, that's really just not possible. My mind keeps attempting to translate from English direct into Japanese and that just doesn't work with all grammar. I hate speaking, I'm petrified of it, and so I seem to just be opting not to. Hence the hiding in my room.

I'd rather LIKE to go out to Shibuya or Harajuku but God, how do I get there? What do I do when I DO get there? What is everyone else doing today? Would they just pity me if they knew I was hiding in my room?

I talked to Justin and bit and I was waiting to see if Alex would come online, but with his potential S.O. back in town (you choose the meaning of the acronym) I don't think I'll see him for a bit. I'm feeling bad right now. Not TERRIBLE but bad. My apartment is gone. I'm no longer a part of my circle of friends. I'm all alone. And I risk now losing the two people closest to me but for different reasons. I'd be a whiny stupid kid if I were to say, "It's not fair," because it certainly is fair. That's just life. I'll go on being envious and petrified and stupid and so forth because I invent drama in mine.

There are a few things I wish I had done. There are a few things I wish I had said. But the time for that has passed. There are some things that are beyond my grasp now and the only thing for me to do is to learn to let go. That's something I haven't yet mastered. I manipulate, I infer, I meddle until I'm satisfied with the results. But there's always some undetermined factor that comes into the picture. Always. You'd think I'd learn just to get on with it and avoid the stress of constantly having to re-manipulate the situation and adjust my grip to deal with unforseen circumstance. I am not in control. As much as I'd like to be.

Fuck. Well. That's just the way things are. And yes, I'm being purposefully vague both for my own intentions and because I don't *really* know what I'm talking about. I've been so busy that I haven't really had time to think yet. Right now I don't really want to see anyone. I just want to release it all and have no part in it. I hate feeling things like this; I hate feeling bad.

I hope Japan doesn't turn me completely existential (re: Evangelion, etc) because it seems a pretty existential place. But I guess existentialism doesn't necessarily equate to pessimism or unhappiness. So I guess I'm wrong in saying that I want to release it all. I do want to be a part of everything... but I want to be a part of something (or someone) that can't be taken away from me. I want to be a part of something with no negativity.

In short, I want to get rid of all this fear that is disempowering me, making me cowardly, making me jealous, making me angry. I'm sick of it all. I just want to be happy.

So I will. I'm going to go out now and buy some groceries for my lunch. I'm going to call a friend or two and maybe go to Shibuya with them. Or buy myself. I'm going to feel better once I get out of this room. I'm going to feel empowered. I'm going to not care about the stupid and petty things. And the things that are a thousand miles away from me, physically and emotionally, and out of those realms of control. I'm going to lighten the hell up.

I'm going to have a good time.

I'll tell you one thing that's very strange though. It's turning off the anime on my computer to hear the language dialogue continue outside my window. Weird, I thought at first, That's never happened before. And then I realized that yes, I was actually IN Japan.

I hope I can like it here. I want to like it here. Right now I'm just worried about the crash that will come after the novelty of it all wears off. Maybe, though, I'm just anticipating nothing. Maybe I'll be just fine.

Saturday
Thankfully, today was relatively uneventful but still preoccupying. I had a lot on my mind with Justin down in Eugene moving all the stuff out of our old apartment. That song by the Barenaked Ladies keeps running through my head: "Broke into the old apartment/ This is where we used to live..." etc, etc. I do love that song. I know that the move will be very difficult for him, but at least now he'll have Rupert to keep him company. And he's doing the move with Pete so he won't be alone, thankfully.

He had coffee with Alex today, something that I think may have been strange for both of them, especially because they're both in a sort of "relationship" limbo right now. I'm not sure if it's a place where they can empathize with each other or not. Anyway, I don't expect the fur to be flying so to speak. (Eeheehee, that's like a "furry" pun.) I just hope it doesn't make life harder for either of them.

I've managed not to get too depressed so far. I don't think it's sunk in yet that I'm here. This city is just too big and too weird to be real, maybe. But despite that I still don't voluntarily yet speak Japanese, my small base of grammar is becoming easier and faster to access and use and every day I learn new words and kanji. It's a slow process... or maybe that's just me jumping the gun and trying to learn too fast. Every day is sort of like banging my head against the wall repeatedly, except slightly less painful.

This morning I got dressed up and went to campus for our "welcome ceremony" and Kokusaibu (international building) orientation. Being welcomed to Waseda felt strangely a bit like being initiated into a secret society. The dean, etc, kept talking about how wonderful Waseda is, and then we sang the seriously 10-minute long Waseda song, complete with cheer leaders (dressed like nazis) and hand signs. Hmm. It was all very strange.

After the opening ceremony, we all went to the reception in Okuma Garden House. Tons of free food but small plates and >300 people meant only a little for everyone. Had sushi and some fun side dishes. Mucho delicioso. Unfortunately, none of my host family was able to attend as they all had prior engagements but I was perfectly OK with that.

The weather was GORGEOUS for the first time since we've been here. Sunny, mid 70s, breezy, the works. I was looking and feeling pretty good for once. The antibiotics and soap I got yesterday seem to be doing the trick. Hope the doseage is right though. After the reception, some of the people who were minus host parents went to Harajuku and Asakusa. I ended up going to Asakusa with some of my group and walking around for a little bit. Opted not to go to Harajuku because my feet were hurting too bad but I didn't realize that I'd already been to Asakusa last week (when we did the "scenic death march" and I got my bad fortune). It was much better this time, although I hope this trend of going to Asakusa in bad shoes does not continue. I got what was quite possibly the biggest blister I've ever had today. The blister itself didn't hurt, just the blood pooling in my toes from my elevated heel. Whatever sick bastard invented high heels needs to rot in hell forever. And whoever designs "flat" shoes needs to get on to making some that don't suck.

Briefly on the subject of shoes, they have this AWFUL shoe trend here. Many people, even young people, wear pointy-toed shoes. Like "witch" or "old person" shoes with these extended, pointy toes. They look so HORRIBLE and dowdy that it's not even funny. Or maybe it's just a personal preference. But, ugh. Ugh.

Forgot both my cell phone and camera today. Actually, remembered both of them but was at the bus stop and didn't want to return home. I felt naked without any of my technology. Everyone seems to think I'm loaded because of my equipment but I just keep telling them it's only because I'm a technophile. Technology is comforting to me... it keeps me connected and has really helped me adjust.

In Asakusa, while we were sitting on the temple steps, the "workers" brought out a few stands of flowers from the shrine that they were taking down for the day. Many people (myself included) gathered bouquets from the stands and had them wrapped, all for free, by the people who brought them out. I gave the bouquet and some Manju(?) to my host family for gifts this evening. Manju are little cakes filled with red bean paste. I guess that every "district" has their own design. The Waseda students bought us all a little bag (only 250Y for 10!) last week and they were delicious made fresh. I thought I'd pass along the tradition.

This evening the whole family got together, including my host brother, Susumu-san. He's quite a charmer; a doctor, 26 and handsome. Shame he recently got engaged. I'm sad he doesn't live nearer (yet) because he seems like he'd be easy to talk to. We rolled our own sushi and drank a bit of beer and wine before taking a few pictures. All of the goodies in front of the family in that picture are Susumu-san's traditional wedding gifts. His engagement ceremony practice session is tomorrow, so Okasan and Otosan were explaining to him the details of what they would all have to do.

I'm feeling more and more at home here every day and increasingly assured that my family is full of very nice people. Still not sure about my host sister... have yet to find common ground with her and she talks very quickly and quietly when we converse. For some reason I feel nervous around her in a way that I don't feel with the others. Maybe it's just introversion on both our parts?

It is strange to be so different. In a way, I like it. It's fun to catch the people staring and cause bike accidents (kidding). But it's also tiring to feel so out of place. This morning while walking from Takadanobaba to Waseda campus (~15min), I sincerely felt like the "woman in the red dress" (re: The Matrix). It's a really weird feeling. Seeing myself in photographs with all the Japanese is sort of a surprise.

Feh, as if today's entry weren't disjointed and random enough as is, there's one more story to add to the pile. While I was sitting with the host family, I recieved a call on my phone (which, by the way, I have mostly figured out!!). The voice on the other end was obviously in a crowded place, so I figured that one of the Waseda students or Oregon students was calling me from the other drinking party going on tonight in Takadanobaba. After about two seconds of being yelled at by the male voice on the other end of the line, I realized that I had no idea who it was. To compound the confusion, the dick on the other end seemed to think I was someone else entirely, too, because he was demanding that I apologize for punching his tooth out the other night at the "Hub" (a pub near the hotel).

So I had some idea that I might have met this person, being as he had my phone number and that I had been at the "Hub" with everyone after the party the other night. But, although I really wondered for a moment, I certainly did not punch anyone's tooth out or even stay at the Hub long enough to witness any such event. Ian and I went home pretty early to make sure we got there OK. As it turns out, the belligerent drunk calling me was the same jackass who hit on me on Thursday, the one who the other guys warned me against talking to. I still sent him my cell phone profile because I figured that if he called me I'd give him a chance to talk in a sober state.

Apparently, after I left, he got confrontational with some British or Australian man (do I sound like a Brit/ Australian man? Seriously??) and the dude punched him to get him out of his face. He was really riled up and it took me almost 5 minutes to convince him that a) I was a girl and b) I did not, in fact, punch him in the face. What an asshat. He seems to be one of the several students who apparently have come here just to party and drink the whole time. No liguistic ability and no manners. What I don't really understand is why they would come HERE, like the most expensive place in the world to live, when they could go to some European country and drink just as excessively for much cheaper. Huh. Wackos.

After the call I was pretty freaked out for a few minutes but I doubt it will amount to anything. After Mr. "I've had one too many" apologized to me about 50 times, he said he'd work it out. Hope I don't hear from him again but something tells me that his type is too stupid to get embarrassed. Yeesh.

'Twasn't a bad ending to the day, just a little scary and now seeming more funny by the minute. Anyway, no worries. Off to bed with me to think more random thoughts. So sorry for the incongruity.

The results are in
Today we registered for classes and found out the results of our placement test. I placed disappointinly low, albeit only one level below what I thought (for some reason) I should get. As I imagined, however, the test results were stupidly skewed. Because the test wasn't really comprehensive at all and only really featured EASY and DIFFICULT but little INTERMEDIATE curriculum, those of us with 2 and 3 years experience placed in a variety of classes simply based on our guesswork and testability. Several of us are in the fourth level (of 13), but some placed in the third level, most in the 5th and 6th level... and by some freak coincidence, Colin, a guy in my class, placed in level 7. While I'm envious in some way, I'd be worried if I were him. Seventh level is definitely a "third year" class and may be too advanced. However, we're all aware that we can petition to switch if we're misplaced. I still feel kind of stupid.

I registered for one Kanji workshop in addition to my 6 language credits. On top of that I have 12 lecture credits (of 16 max) in four classes. I'm enrolled in "Tokyo in Literature," (4 credits) a comprehensive study of literature about Tokyo with a discussion and creative writing theme; "East Asian Religions," (2 credits) a basic study of the principles of Buddhism; "Performing arts in Japan," (4 credits) a course study of traditional (and non-traditional) music and theatre including trips to local performances; and, finally, "English and Japanese: Comparative Studies in Language and Culture," (2 credits) a course featuring ethnographic and linguistic theory. I could have taken any number of economics classes (BOOOORING), a few history classes (most of which I've already covered), and a few more literature/ linguistics/ art classes. I really wanted to take the art class because it was composed almost entirely of field trips to Tokyo museums and studio work but the featured studio (ceramics, metalwork, URUSHI, and woodblock) all cost 20,000Y(+/-). Bah. My trips to kabuki and whatever will cost a bit, but hopefully not that friggin much.

So everyone registered and found out who we had with us in what classes. Then we exchanged more cell phone information and other such silliness. We ate lunch out again --it's getting expensive, I must learn to make my own o-bento. Those of us who went back to the Waseda campus after lunch were refunded our Teiki (pass... bus and rail, etc) money. Then began my second big adventure of the day.

I went, accompanied, thankfully, by Goble-san, to the Student Health Center to get some antibiotics for my stupid (%$&^ing) Folliculitis o' the armpit. I'm sick and tired of self medicating and I'm just about resigned to do anything, even stop shaving for a few months, just to get this shit to go away. It's just like acne, really, but it has an awful, sick, itch that goes along with it that is just SO slightly beyond my comfort level. Anyway, I got to the health center and was immediately glad for my translator/ intermediary because otherwise I would have failed miserably to fill out any forms.

National Health Insurance here is great. It's about $12 a month and it covers 70% of all medical costs immediately. The Center of International Education at the University here then will refund another 24% if you fill out the forms. (You need a bank acct for the refund so I can't do that yet.) Anyway, the overall cost for antibiotics was MUCH less than I anticipated (only $20 total for the appt AND prescript)... but that's not the point of the story.

What was WEIRD about visiting the doctor was that although she spoke english, she didn't speak well and even more oddly made no real attempt to diagnose my condition. Rather, she just sort of took my word for it-- didn't even LOOK at me-- and wrote me out a slip for antibiotics. Flomox, 5 days of it. Nothing major... but hell, if I'd wanted to, I could have walked in there and said, "Percoset, please!" or whatever, and fed a drug addiction. WTF?

Anyway, I'm sure she knows what she's doing but I'm still dubious about the prescrip. I looked online and Flomox is used to treat staph caused skin conditions (that's what I got) but I'm not so sure about only having a 5 day course. Seems too short to me. I also bought some anti-bacterial hand soap at the Yakyoku (drugstore) to try that as topical. Oh well, I suppose if worse comes to worst I'll go back and see if they can give me 10 days of Dicloxacillin, the most common treatment I can find online. I can research, I guess, if I have to be my own doctor. Hm.

So went home and watched the first episode of Hack/Sign on my computer. Strange anime. Am tired from last night. So much freaking drinking... woo. I haved a video of someone doing the "ceremony" but am not sure how to import it to my Mac. Fleh. Must figure that out. We had a great time though and it was well worth the $20 for the drinks, socialization and food we had. Good god I drank a lot... maybe 3 beers, a cocktail or two, sake, whisky on the rocks... etc... Even smoked an unfiltered "vanilla" cigarette for the hell of it. No one's here to complain and God knows I don't plan to make a habit of it. So whine all you want nyar, I had a good time! I managed to help a friend part of the way home and get myself back to my stop before the last bus left. I'm quite, quite the careful drunk. Always remember to drink water, take my contacts out, pick up my belongings, etc.

I was, of course, hit on by some random strangers but the guys in my program were surprisingly protective of me. I got to know most of them a lot better. I tend to talk with and identify more with men than with women, so we all chatted and hung out most of the night. Met some great and really cute Japanese girls. Maki-san, the International Club leader, is so terribly cute when she's drunk. When we were leaving last night, as best I can remember, she started clinging to me and shouting something about everyone going to Tokyo Disneyland. Heee.

I had a rather odd dream last night, in my half-inebriated state. It had something to do with a gang conspiracy and ... some busses.... and a huge plot... anyway, the weird part was that one of the program members, started protecting me in the dream, too, and then he told me that he had been in love with me since he met me and professed his undying affections. I remember being flattered in the dream but (Justin, you'll love this) I told him that I was sorry but that I couldn't return his affection because I was being faithful to my boyfriend. I know it's a boring summary but it seemed especially poignant and nostalgic. Man did I have a hard time waking up this morning even though I wasn't hung over and I got enough sleep. Stupid liquor.

Oh, the best news of all is that I picked up some AWESOME Totoro danglies for my cell phone at Tokyu Hands in Shinjuku last night. Oh. My. God. Whenever I see my Totoros (there are three little danglies) I get so happy! Totoro has always had a soft spot in my heart. <3

I'm still really looking forward to classes, having a concrete schedule, settling in, getting a part-time job, etc, after all this meandering about and EXHAUSTING stress is done. I'm glad my host family understands though. Last two things on the "bureaucratic bullshit" list are getting a bank account and getting my alien registration card (which I have to pick up in two weeks). I may have to wait until I have a card to get an account. O well.

Tomorrow is the semi-formal reception and Opening Ceremony. I'm kind of sad that my host family can't come but they're just about as busy as I am! I'm looking forward to the chance to dress up though. Maybe I'll finally get some info about agencies and TV spots tomorrow. If any of you other Tokyo-ites out there have any recommendations of "safe" places to register, etc, please let me know. I beg you, really. I can teach english for a part time job but I really think that modeling/ tv would be so SO fun! =D

Thanks and g'night.

drive me crazy
If you imagine driving in Seattle or LA is bad, I assure you that driving in Tokyo is probably 10 times worse. I really can�t say for sure since I haven�t DONE it. And, admittedly, I�ve only been here a week, but I think I�m a pretty good judge of driving patterns. This city is crazy. I know I keep saying that but it�s true. I don�t think that motorcyclists or bikers have to obey any traffic laws in particular. At least they don�t seem to think so. They move in an out of traffic when it�s at a standstill, weaving in front of stopped and moving cars. I�ve seen people ignore the turning of a stoplight. Most drivers seem to have extreme disregard for pedestrians, though I haven�t yet seen any accidents. Maybe it�s not �disregard� per se but just the speed that everyone seems to think it necessary to drive at. Even in the thinnest, narrowest back alleys, even cars drive up to 30 mph, maybe more. It�s really quite scary considering that in the most isolated alley in my neighborhood one can only go for a few minutes without seeing a pedestrian, motorist or cycler.

And why, I wonder, does it not smell like food in here? My house (which is, in fact, bigger than I originally realized in comparison to others around here) backs up onto the row of shops facing the street. Right outside my window are two small restaurants, a udon shop and something else. But it doesn�t smell like food. Hmm. The bigger question, really, is that with all these hundreds and thousands of TINY, TINY restaurants EVERYWHERE, most of them EMPTY, how do their owners ever manage to eke out a living? How in god�s name do they make money?

Today I did some self-maintenance, which included doing laundry (washed at home, dried in the "Coin Raundory") and walking around the neighborhood and getting terribly, delightfully lost� until I retraced my steps and realized where I was. I�m still building my mental map so I got rather disoriented. For a moment I was afraid I would have to walk into Shinjuku (30 minutes away) and attempt to take the bus home. But it was a perfect adventure and a great chance to see the neighborhood. Even the residential areas are interspersed with small shops, back alley restaurants, shrines and parks. Saw a few REALLY nice places (one wealthy-looking family lives across the alley from me) and lots of hovels. This neighborhood (as many are, I suppose) is a maze of narrow, unnamed alleys and nondescript street signs. I guess the signs would help more if I could read Kanji.

(Can anyone tell me what's up with this Broom Buddha?)

I figured out how to use my phone a bit yesterday. I can now send email, c-mail (text message), mail photos, change the ring and notification sounds, change the background and add to the address book. All totally intuitively because can't read it. And I still have no idea about 80% of the features. But I�ve got all the features in the �easy manual� down pat! God I hate kanji.

Ugh, one think I don�t like about being here is that if I�m not occupied with something scheduled or walking around somewhere, I feel the loneliness and oppression settle in. If I can keep myself busy, I don�t get so afraid. Even if I�m out walking around, I can at least mask my illiteracy and stupidity by not talking to people. I�m hoping that by listening my brain will sort of learn by its self. Right now it's hopeless. I really can�t wait for classes to start.

I�m also having a bit of difficulty determining how to spread out my time. I�m not sure how much I should spend out and about, in here by myself or with my host family. I want to talk to my family and I feel like I should visit with them regularly but right now I�m often finding that I don�t have any time to rest or be by myself. When I do talk to them, I have a good time (albeit difficult conversational parry) and we all laugh a lot. My host mom and dad are so sweet that it makes me tearful. I still don�t know what to think about my host sister. Undecided. But even though they�re nice I still feel like they�re strangers. It�s hard to settle in.

My goal is to have one new super Japanese drink each day while I'm here! I doubt I'll succeed because there are SO many and they all cost a dollar or more. So that's a shitload of spare change. But I'm vastly amused by the rows and rows of vending machines and slightly saddened that they outlawed the "panty vendors" because I'd love to have gotten a photo of one. Here's some Engrish for you: what the hell is "Carbo-Flexible"????

So tired. Want iSight. iSight awesome. Want to know what the deal is with my skin condition. WTF? Need bath, need sleep. Something else but I forget.

anthill
This city is a tremendous anthill. It's a mad scientist's wet dream. It's huge and terrible and wonderful and overwhelming. I am alternately crushed and embraced by it.

Tokyo is teeming with people. There seems to be a million jobs-- handing out fliers, opening doors, guiding busses-- but not enough for everyone. Every square inch is occupied by someone. Homeless. Commuter. Advertiser.

The streets are non-linear and unnamed. Every inch of space is occupied with road, house or shop. In every available space, someone or something is living, moving working.

Tokyo is like an experiment gone horribly wrong. The city planning is terrible, the traffic is worse, the directions make no sense. But it works. And it works so well that instead of being awful, Tokyo is magnificent. Tokyo should not be, but it is, and probably only because the Japanese, in spite of the depression in the wake of the boom, are still so damn organized. I respect anyone who can master this language.

Today proved, if anything, that I probably never will master Japanese. Our placement test was a joke. It was either really simple or obscenely difficult. "They test you on a lot of Kanji," they said. "Study a lot." Well, Kanji they did test us on but it wasn't on a scale of easy to difficult. The "kanji" portion of the test was quite possibly the most fun if ONLY because I didn't know a SINGLE one of the 60 Kanji they surveyed us on.

Hm. I lied. I knew two. But the reason it was so fun was the guesswork. I asked myself, "Which of these six does "danger" look like? What would the word for "coincidence" be shaped like? This one looks sharp... could it be 'weapon'?" But none of the kanji (Save one) were those we had EVER learned at UO. And the UO program has, by far, more Kanji than the other OUS programs. So what gives? What the hell was the point of that test except for the already fluent students to flaunt their knowledge?

It was discouraging for everyone. I'm getting tired of sounding like an idiot. Instead, I opt not to talk and I just nod and smile. It's easier because that way I understand them and they understand me. Maybe, as Ryan says, it will be like that episode of the Simpsons where Bart goes to France without speaking a word of French and one day opens his mouth to find he speaks fluent French. Good god, I hope so.

Today those of us with Japanese-only phones (masochistic bastards) figured out some fun features. Everyone with English phones has already figured theirs out. I'm sure that in a month's time I'll know this phone just as well as they know theirs. And I'll learn the Kanji from it, damn it. These phones are so amazing. Yay! The battery life lasts forever. ^^

After the test and the phone session, went school supply shopping (everything so expensive here!) and wandered around both Takadanobaba and Shinjuku. We went to the Virgin Records store in Shinjuku for no particular reason and I discovered that Virgin records has, like, "future bathroom" with awesome toilets, sink and hand dryers. In contrast, I used my first "squat" toilet today. Boy, was that an experience. I managed to do it without peeing on my shoes (surprise!) but the whole time I couldn't help but think that maybe I should be squatting in a hovel somewhere instead of doing my business in a University Ladies' Room. Yeesh.

I've got so many people to meet and so much to do. Thankfully, studying is out of the way. Tonight I shall rest, after the little sleep I got last night. Tomorrow is another day off with a "Welcome Party" (read: drinking party) with the Waseda students in the evening.

I'll just end with a cliche-not-cliche. Each day here holds its own surprises. Today I'm grateful for all the small packs of free kleenex they hand out here. Why do they do it? I don't know but my runny nose says "Arigatou Gozaimasu!"

photoessay
So let�s see. There�s a lot on my mind and no time to write. Today is a Holiday; Higan to be precise. Higan is the weeklong celebration of the Autumn equinox, so I suppose that makes today equinox. I went into Shinjuku to buy an electronic dictionary (for about $150) and ended up getting a new lens-cap strap and browsing the mac section of Bic Camera. Biiiiku Biku Bic Camera!!! GOD THAT JINGLE AAARRRGH. If I hear it one more time I SWEAR I'll go kamikaze. Funny enough, I managed to haggle on my dictionary price and also to ask about iSights in Japanese. I really am surprised at how much conversation I can understand but also frustrated at how little I can respond.

Unless you�ve been to Japan, you really can have no concept of a Japanese department store. At least, I didn�t. Odakyu is huge in an obscene and entertaining way. I mean moreso than american department stores. They�re just� BIG in a way that things in Japan usually aren�t. Big, HUGE money pits. Like unfathomable money pits. With technology and gourmet and fashion all the top of the line. Odakyu has this basement full of food and shops like the most amazing food court you could ever imagine. I swear, my eyes almost fell out of my head gaping. It was insane.

After I made my purchases, I walked around for a while in Shinjuku and gave alms to a Buddhist monk standing still amongst the crowds in the hope that it would change the ill fates given to me the other day. Since that day, even, I have been feeling much better. Still, seeing the monk was a bit of a shock even after imagining things like this to be there. Tokyo is a city of immense order and chaos. Even the pigeons (Hato) sit evenly spaced in lines on the station roof.

It�s strange to be in such a city. With the Japanese, it seems that everything has a meaning. My host mother was confused that I told her my cat�s name (Rupert) didn�t mean anything. Here people trace their ancestors easily back five generations and are buried next to their great-great-great grandparents. Here samurai drama are cast full of meaningful glances and longing silences, much more so than American soaps. And so I find myself looking for meaning in the most obscure things� the bulldozer on top of a pile of twisted metal and rock rubble; the homeless man sleeping next to the bus station. What do these things mean?

I�m looking forward to learning more about everything. I�ve nixed my prohibition on pork and beef in lieu of trying some of the tasty cuisine Japan has to offer. No doubt it will be healthy anyway, despite that my host mother seems to think I need to eat more than my host father. HMM. I want to try everything.

Nevertheless, I still stick out like a sore thumb. Today while I was taking pictures of the monk, I caught some other Japanese taking pictures of me with their cameras. What�s the big deal? I�m just a white girl.

My host mother, sister and I went to watch some of the O-Higan festivities and I took more pictures. While I was observing, one of the organizers came over and nabbed me into a robe, then stuck me at the front of the procession. Woohoo! I was really embarrassed but it was fun. I kind of like being a circus freak. Guess the attention is nice. Still hoping I can capitalize on it. I saw one of those Americans who is a Japanese talk-show staple on Japanese TV the other day. Somehow, I think I hate him but envy him at the same time.

Well, hmm� I think that�s it for tonight. I meant for this entry to be more inspired and coherent but I haven�t had the time to meditate on it or link my photos in.

I'm too busy right now to set up a photogallery like I want to. If anyone out there has some time to get me running on gallery.com or anything, you'd have my undying gratitude.
Right now, it's the same old directory structure. I uploaded some pictures but I can't manage to put them in a chronological scheme. So go browse this directory for a glimse of the place I am. Shinjuku is my daily stop and near where I live. It's sort of like the metropolitan center of Tokyo. The Yellow building in the "kokusaibu" picture is where I'll take most of my classes at Waseda. Some of the other pictures have a story and I have a long entry in mind but I don't have time to write it tonight. Right now I'm preparing for my placement test tomorrow. I'm also feeling a sense of immense gratitude and respect for my family for having the courage to take someone so strange and so foreign into their home. You may or may not know this, but homestay is fairly rare in Japan. Even in modern times the gracious Japanese don't like others in their homes, it seems. This gives me such affection and thankfulness toward my family. Yay for homestay!

I wish the stupid motorcyclists would stop driving by my house. Grr. They sound worse than the freaking cicadas during the hot days.

This is the picture
I�m beginning to notice that it�s strange to hear English around me, either spoken by others or on the TV. It�s almost as if I find the hard vowels and nasal syllables aurally offensive. I wish English were a more �beautiful� and less harsh language than it is. I almost feel bad for all the Japanese attempting to learn English here both because of the difference in sound and the unfairness of mastering diphthongs and sounds that Japanese doesn�t contain. Pretty much every Japanese syllable except the L/R combination letter is included in English so English speakers only have to deal with grammar construction difficulty such as the desu/masu conjugation and sentence endings.

Hmm, wait, nevermind� negate what I just said about unfairness. English doesn�t have kanji.

In a way, I feel as if I�m becoming worse at the language right now. Although I�m speaking more, I�m also more often aware that I can hardly say what I want, especially via grammatical conjugation. Argh. Often, it�s just such an euphoric release just to speak English to someone and automatically be understood. Although I�m not eager to speak English with my family, they are pretty good speakers and it makes it easier to communicate.

Today we attempted tech support and gadget purchasing via direct translation. Oh God was that difficult. At least the students we went cell-phone shopping with had some clue about what we were trying to ask. My host mom, despite all her kindness and attempts to help, knows very little about computers� so I was left trying to explain the difficulty with my powerbook to her in broken English so she could translate to the salesperson at Big Camera (dun dun dun *sings the stupid little jingle they play every 5 seconds* La la laaaa Biiii-ku Ca-me-ra!) in Shinjuku. Anyway, I should have internet some time in the next few weeks. (like today! =D)

I also got my very own Keitai Denwa (�Carry phone�) today. It beats the MegaPants off anything one can get in the US by a bazillion dollars worth. Then again, it cost a bazillion dollars (~$115) because I�m too much of a gearhead to get the cheap or free phones here even though they�re still years ahead of US cells. My phone is one of the two top models on my plan and has such features as Java(Games), GPS, email, uber-photos/ video, text messaging (duh), and so forth. Unfortunately, I chose the Casio over the Sony Ericson and therefore sacrificed English features. But, damn it, it will give me a reason to learn some major Kanji via experimentation. Cell plans here only have a few hundered minutes for the cost of Unlimited Access in the states. However, here minutes don�t round up AND any incoming call does not incur charges or use your minutes. Maybe that�s just my plan (AU, for student discount) but I can�t be sure. Hell, I probably won�t use half the features I subscribed to (~$40/month) because I can�t understand the menus. I�ll figure it out sometime in the next 9 months. It is my MISSION!!! =D <3

I also changed my iPod over into Japanese and I might do the same for my computer just for more character exposure. Then again, with the kanji in menus, that might be a bit masochistic. Ahh, it�s nice to write here though and be able to form complete sentences for once.

I was rather feeling like I could do anything this morning, though. I took the Keio bus line from my house to Shinjuku and then rode the Yamanote train line in to Takadanobaba station. Unfortunately, this JR station is not the closest stop to Waseda� there�s another, much closer subway stop but the programme won�t reimburse the cost of the ticket for that line and since passes cost about a bazillion dollars a month (my bus/ train combined is about $100), I don�t think I�ll be doing that. I don�t mind the 15 minute walk from Takadanobaba station. In fact, it might be the most exercise I get for a while unless I suddenly start feeling like I need to fit going to the gym into my schedule. Right now, I don�t really care. With this food, if anything, I�ll lose weight even eating a trough full of it. On the other hand, my host mother does seem to delight in feeding me tons and tons of food. Not that I mind, but it�s a bit much.

Uh, anyway, the point of this raving is that this morning I commuted in Tokyo for the first time ever. Surprisingly, it didn�t faze me. The city itself in no way makes me nervous, probably because I�ve spent the last two years in and out of Seattle. I got a seat on the bus for the maybe 15 minute ride into Shinjuku and listened to my iPod while looking out of the window. It�s been blustery the last few days due to some minor Typhoon action (did I mention there was an earthquake a few days ago?!?) and the buildings were grey against the grey sky. In a way, I thought momentarily that it looked a lot like home�and then it finally sunk in that I�m HERE in TOKYO by MYSELF. And I�m OK. In that moment, I felt like the most powerful woman on the planet and simultaneously humbled by my own insignificance in this place so full of people that it�s like an anthill.

Nakano-ku, the prefecture where I live, is really close to Shinjuku. After looking at my tour-guide and talking to people, I get the impression that Shinjuku is really the most major hub in Tokyo. That makes me very happy to be so close. I still almost want to be farther away in a big house with a wealthy family and cute gadgets (and a more �Eastern� house) but I�m very glad to be where I am and I find myself constantly humbled and grateful that these perfect strangers would even want to accept me into their home.

It�s official now. I�m here and registered as an alien. Today I purchased national health insurance and secured my residency. I cashed some more traveler�s checks so that I can purchase an electronic dictionary, which will probably set me back close to another $200. Until I get reimbursed, that $200 is practically all my pocket change unless I dip into debit, which I already did for my cell phone. I ought to be able to make my budget work with what I have set aside, even without taking a part time job. But I want money for trips and to help cover hotel to stay with friends with the visit since there certainly isn�t room here. EVERYTHING HERE IS SO FRIGGING EXENSIVE. Except for the cheap stuff�and the cheap stuff is really, weirdly cheap. Like there�s these 100Y ($1) stores everywhere that have so many things for wacko cheap. Huh, go figure.

The Japanese don�t really talk about money, so I feel guilty trying to get my affairs/ budget in order all the time. Then again, most Japanese children are completely supported by parents so any money they get via part time jobs goes STRAIGHT toward clothing and booze. Gee, that�d be nice, eh? I hope I can experience at least a bit of that lax responsibility while I�m here now that I only have 2 bills (insurance/ phone) to pay and no food to cook. YAY!

Oh, God, I�ve been watching little pieces of Japanese TV often, too. I�m so surprised at how much I can pick up by listening. Almost everything, in fact, given the context. (With my eyes closed it would be another story.) TV really helps a lot with pace, colloquialisms and kanji. Today I watched some singing show called �Hey! Hey! Hey!� that featured practically every j-pop star on the planet. Who knew Morning Musume had like 50 members? Not me. I didn�t even know what a Gackt WAS, much less that the Japanese male pop stars who tend to dress like black gangstas in the US often sing soulful ballads containing Engrish such as �la la la laaaaa love you blah blah blah tonight giiiirrrlll�. Blah blah blah numbah one heaaaaaaaart.� I should have figured that but the style of dress threw me off.

I�m nice and settled in to my room now, with more than enough blankets to keep me warm, although I pray for a heater in here during the winter. Tomorrow is a day off that I will spend with my host family resting, traveling around and studying for the placement test on Wednesday. We�ll see what tomorrow brings as far as the continuing adventure. I haven�t been to three or four of the major Yamanote line stops and there are countless museums and shrines to see.

Right now, it�s time for bed!

Sabishii
Well, this is it. Here I am in my new home for the next nine months. This morning I was hardly apprehensive until I entered the room where everyone was being introduced to their host families (we rather thought it should be done game-show format instead). I thought to myself that all I wanted was a nice family� you know, please god, let them be nice. On the way up to the fourth floor moments before that, I crossed paths with one of the families and sort of latched onto them. I thought, hey, this had better be my parents. They were confident, smiling, well-dressed, modern, etc. When I got to the intro room, I realized just how many families from all over Tokyo had come to collect their kids. These were people from all walks of life and all different places.

When I met my host mother, I momentarily felt terrified but moreso awkward. Still, I was grinning the whole time. It was room full of people, scared out of their wits, imagine that. My okasan is very nice. In a way, when I met her, she reminded me of my own mother but not so strung out. She has a similar body type and style of dress. I�m not sure about personality though. My host father wasn�t present. Some people�s whole families picked them up and others were even left waiting for no-shows.

As we left the University for the station, I talked easily (Well, as easily as one can with the vocabulary of a five-year-old) with my host mother. Once we got on the bus, though, I realized that I DID have other expectations about my host family, particularly where they lived. I wanted to be out in the �burbs, away from the city a little, but when we got off at our stop, I realized that I�m much, much closer to campus than I thought. In fact, the bus ride from Shinjuku station is probably equivalent to 20-minutes. So total the walk to/ from campus including train time is about 50 minutes. I�ll bet it�s the same by bus given traffic conditions. I guess I�ll find out tomorrow morning. I have to commute by myself (eek!) to campus by 8:45AM. Uh, well, what an adventure.

When we arrived at the house, I got the sinking feeling that nothing here, really, is what I imagined it would be. Instead of being in a nice place in the burbs with a well-off family, I�m in what many of you stateside would describe as a small, dingy apartment-sized house. My first thought was of what I could do to merit switching to another house. Then I realized that thinking like that is NOT what I am here for and is, in general, stupid and narrow-minded. When in Rome, do as the Romans, right? Tokyo certainly is a new Rome.

The house, in fact, is not so bad. God, the wallpaper is atrocious, it�s very small, and the Shit-zu named Lucky, albeit small and mostly quiet, seems enraptured with the idea of humping any of my spare body parts. Hmm. It�s hilarious though� when he misbehaves, they set him on any high surface (shelf, sill, whatever) and since he can�t get safely down he just sits there until he gets frustrated. So at various times today I would turn around and see the little dog on top of a shelf somewhere, to my surprise.

My host mother is quite nice, in fact. Shortly after we arrived, we went for a walk in the flooding rain (to continue for a few days) into the neighborhood �mall.� The shopping street is practically right across the way from us, an open street lined with shops including electronics shops, vegetable stores, pharmacies, bakeries, hair salons, pachinko parlors, blah, blah you name it. There are even two public baths near here. Apparently only old people use those any more but I might try some time. Or maybe not, on second thought.

Like most Japanese families, my hosts don�t have a dryer, so when I wash my clothes we will either hang them out to dry or I will take my wash to the coin laundry nearby and pay 100Y to dry it. Sounds OK to me� it�s still cheaper than at chase village. On the other hand, my budget is SO tight right now. They aren�t kidding when they say everything is more expensive in Tokyo. And when they say that there are more restaurants here per capita than anywhere in the world. Holy crap, d00d. In the next few days, I�ll probably spend $150 on an electric dictionary and another $150 on a cell-phone. My monthly plan will be about $38 and health insurance about $80. Slightly less given the exchange rate. I still need to open a bank account, complete my alien registration, and apply for work status. Everything else is taken care of� except the one thing I know I�m forgetting and am too lazy to look up.

Anyway, back to my host family. The son, Susumu-san does not live at home, so I haven�t met him yet. My host father seems very warm and kind-hearted. He�s pretty laid back (I wasn�t sure what to expect when I read that he was a government worker) and he knows enough English to help facilitate conversation. Actually, he knows a bit TOO much English and I�m afraid he might decide he�d rather talk to me in my own language. Oops. But the point is that I immediately liked him, even though I was terrified that I wouldn�t. He reminds me to an extreme extent of my own father.

In fact, this whole family sort of reminds me of my own family. I met my older sister this evening when she managed to slip in without my notice. She seems a bit distrustful of me or maybe just shy. I don�t blame her, what with me invading her space and all. She sort of reminds me of Allie in a soft-spoken way. I do really wish that there was a young child in my house� one that didn�t speak English but had a youthful fascination with me. I could learn so much language that way. But my host mother is an Elementary School teacher, so I will have to work with that. I�m sure she can give me advice on Kanji. Watching children�s programmes also helps a lot.

Despite the cramped city accommodations, I�m surprised at the amount of money that�s put into various technology here. Nothing is terrifically NEW per se, but the family seems to have a nice car and my host father has a freaking HUGE remote-rigged armchair and TV in his bedroom/ movie den. (Yes, he and my host mother sleep separately� but I guess I remember that�s common here.) There�s another TV in the living room and there was a small one in my room until my host father replaced it with the bigger one from the living room when he came home today with a new flat-panel TV for the upstairs. And a VCR. Hmm. Oh, and they do have a wireless LAN in the house. (!!!!!111) My computer detects it� but unfortunately it needs a �password� that the family doesn�t know. If it�s a secure network, I may need to find some way to add my MAC address to the network to be accepted. I hope maybe I can get Covert to help me figure it out� because the family PC is obviously all in Japanese. I really don�t know so much about wireless networking.

In contrast, I found that I knew quite enough about Japanese bathing to take my first Japanese style shower/ bath today in my host�s single bath. These tubs are great� I can�t believe how stupid American tubs are. Who wants to lie down in a shallow pool of tepid water? The deeper the better, in my opinion! I am now relaxed and clean and in the process of setting up my room.

So this certainly isn�t the lap of luxury. The oven is broken and the walls are dull� but what do I really care? The space that is my room gave me a scared feeling when I first got here today, but with all my belongings in it, it�s a livable as anywhere. If I could make do in a hotel room the size of my current room with two other people, I can live happily here. I imagine I will be spending close to no time at home in the future anyway.

For a moment today, I thought I might come close to another breakdown while I was over-analyzing my surroundings. I imagined a house with a musician daughter and a grand piano to be a cute bungalo in the burbs. But it�s not and that�s OK. Now I realize what amazingly SWEET people my host parents are and how gracious they are being for inviting me into their small city home. I can�t imagine what kind of an investment on their part this is.

I am happy, too, that I can understand them better than I thought I might be able to. Apparently some of the confusion over the last three days has been because of all the informal speech and abbreviations. Or maybe now that I�ve been immersed for a few days straight, I�m simply being accustomed to the language. I�m certainly more confident.

I�m feeling better now that I have my own space and now that my digestive tract is returning to normal. Of course, the food here doesn�t bother my stomache in any way� but I always get a bit irregular when I travel. I thought for a moment that if I were to be any more irregular, I might burst after a few weeks of not going. Ahh.

Heh, well, I�m sure I didn�t want to end on that note (although I�d rather that than an image of a Shih-tsu humping my leg, ne?) but I do need to get to bed (ahh, my own bed!) because I have orientation tomorrow morning and will probably accomplish a great deal more of my errands. I�m still studying for my placement test but I�m now more confident than I ever could have been because a) I�ve been repeatedly told by other Oregon students just how much more Kanji UO kids have than other Oregon Universities and b) the amount of practice I�ve received in the last three days has been more than I ever would have accomplished in a month of studying on my own. Gee, whod�ve thunk that immersion actually works, eh? Good night� wish me luck!

I have arrived
Been here four days... am safe and sound. Will have internet at home shortly?DTokyo is awesome and scary... every day is very difficult and amazing in its own way. Im writing entries on my laptop to post here later. For now, wish me the best. TTYS.

<3

kampai!
After last night�s breakdown I slept like a rock. Part of it was the �scenic death march� that was yesterday and part of it was maybe just that the air conditioning was finally turned on. Since we�ve arrived, it�s been probably 85 degrees out with� god, I don�t know, 150% humidity? UGH. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Today it rained and a typhoon is coming in� so that means more rain and more cool temperatures.

Today we had another orientation and found out about our host families. It was like a Host Family trading card session!! I have a 51 year-old host mother and host father. The host mother is an elementary school worker and the host father is a local government worker. They seem pretty liberal as they both work and may come home late. They�ve given me no curfew, which is a bit of a catch-22 as the bus line I have to take to and from campus only runs until maybe 11PM. Not that I WANT to stay out late, but eh, whatever. In my family, there is also a 28 year old daughter who works part time and plays piano/ sings and a 26 year-old son who is a doctor and may or may not live at home. They have a small dog that Sato-san was very concerned about me NOT liking. I told her I don�t really care all that much. Tomorrow we meet and go home with our families. Shortly thereafter I should have phone and internet access.

After orientation we ate lunch with the Waseda students and purchased out commuter passes. Thankfully, the university refunded some of the huge amount of money we�ve spent in the last two days on food and beverage. For out �thank you� dinner to the Waseda International Club, we ate at what was possibly the WEIRDEST Italian restaurant I�ve ever been at. Uhh� yeah. I�ll just stick to Japanese food when in Japan although I do have a hard time with eating in tatami rooms and attempting to keep the correct position, I�ve learned. It hurts my knees terribly. I like food where I can feel my legs.

Funnily enough, I can feel my English �regressing� while being here. I�m not sure why, but after speaking broken Japanese, the fractured grammar and pictoral/ hand signs are carrying over into my English. I feel like a stupid, small child.

Tonight I�ve managed to stay up past 11PM easily, even after downing two shots of whisky and a fuzzy navel at the �English Pub� next to our hotel. OMFG, the Japanese like to drink.

I was also thinking about how I�m afraid of losing the affection I have for familiar faces at home and I�ve decided that this is a silly fear. If I�ve maintained my close feelings for Alex over all these years, I can certainly carry that over into my other friendships and close relationships without any problem. Needless to say, I miss you all terribly and this place is friggin� WEIRD. I�ll get used to it though� I already know my way around this general area but that in no way pertains to the rest of this crazy Tokyo place.

The Breakdown
mood at the moment: lonely, scared, tired as hell, sick, worried, frustrated, isolated, upset. Thinking that this was a very stupid idea but that I�d be even stupider not to stick it out.

I�ve been on my feet all day, in tall shoes. I have blisters on my toes and a heat rash re-occurring under my arms. Despite jet-lag and a lack of readily available drinking fountains (I must have spent close to $10 on water today) I managed to walk around Tokyo from 12:30PM to 9:30PM. For the first few hours, I was having a good time, feeling optimistic and keeping my eyes open. We traveled from Takadanobaba near Waseda University and the hotel to Shinjuku, where we went to the observation tower on the 45th floor of the Metropolitan Government Office. After that, we went to the �electronics district� nearby and looked at pocket dictionaries. I should be able to get a nice one for around $180.

For lunch we ate soba. As much as my initial impression is still that I will always love Japanese food, I may get righteously sick of all the salt. On the other hand, they eat practically NO dairy here and I�m eager to see the results of cutting that from my diet. Finally, we took the train to Ueno and the shopping district there, where we went to the nearby temple and shrines and after an hour or two of walking around we took the subway to the Edo Tokyo museum and had a bit of history. (I don�t even want to think about how much the subway/train fare was over the course of today.)

But I�m being a typical American contemplating my financial matters. It seems that they don�t think too much about that here. Foreign money still feels like play money to me, but that doesn�t mean I�m any more ready to get rid of it. I have a few purchases in mind, so I�m saving the big bucks for a cell phone and dictionary. I guess I have to buy a little handkerchief or hand towel, too, because none of the public restrooms here seem to have towels in them. I�d forgotten about that.

After two days of gazing out above the heads of a racially homogeneous culture, I�m beginning to be frightened by my own reflection. Consciously, of course, I realize that I�m different than everyone. Subconsciously I don�t understand how it looks to be 5� 11� and blonde here until I catch myself out of the corner of my eye and go �Aah!� I�ve only just begun to notice the stares over my own ogling. And today a group of high school boys took my picture with their cell phone behind my back. It�s amazing how few white people there are here and how many there are in the United states. Or maybe that�s not really amazing. I�m tired and stupid and I don�t care.

I�m not used to being a minority. I�m not used to feeling tired and quiet and so alone. At the temple today we gave a donation for a �fortune� and, rather Unfortunately, mine read something like an obituary. �BAD FORTUNE:� it said, �YOU ARE LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER. YOU HAVE TWO MINDS AND ONE BODY. FORTUNE MAY COME YOUR WAY BUT YOU DO NOT SEE IT. MANY BAD TIMES ARE AHEAD. DO NOT ATTEMPT NEW THINGS SUCH AS TRAVEL, MARRIAGE, OR NEW CAREERS.� Great, thanks o wise kami-sama. I needed that.
While the other groups of giddy young people stood laughing about their lot, I felt that mine was actually adeptly somber. Of course, now I realize what I�ve taken for granted, what I will miss, and how alone I am. I understand that I know only a small fraction of the words and grammar of this language and I can�t even begin to express myself. I wonder when I�ll begin to feel OK and not like a fish out of water. I should shut up because I�ve only been here for two days� but with this jet-lag, two surreal days feels like forever.

I took my first real batch of photos today. Maybe I�ll post them, if I ever get this damn computer online. Consider the Glacier entry to be postponed indefinitely, although you can find the pictures here. Maybe I�ll write it up for posterity. Maybe not.

I feel insanely inadequate. I could sense a breakdown looming as we took the train back from Ueno to the hotel. Mostly, I�m tired, but my thoughts circled around the one person that I have to hold on to. Again and again I found myself on the verge of tears.

It�s a catch-22, being here and facing this loneliness. I don�t want to be that girl who whines about the �boyfriend back home,� at all but I can�t begin to express the sadness at recognizing the closeness I�ve taken for granted and the deep-seeded fear that I will, in fact, get over it soon. That�s right, I�m afraid of being OK. This is what kind of stupid masochist I am. I keep thinking, �God, when I�m no longer lonely I�ll no longer cares what happens to us.� But right now I really do care what happens to us. I care so much it scares me� but, err, I guess in that good way. I just want to go home.

I came back to the hotel and decided to have a cry. Not more than two minutes alone, but eventually I got it all out. Nevermind, that�s a lie. I got a small portion of it out. Now I�m just sick and tired. And lonely as hell.

My heart is breaking. At least I�m no longer scared of speaking Japanese but it�s too bad I don�t have the words to say that.

jet lag
I�m having a bit of a hard time finding my center in this hub of people. I woke up this morning after dreams of Justin and cereal, two things I will miss very much, feeling vulnerable and sad. Part of my trauma probably had to do with the twenty hour commute yesterday and part of it with the fact that I got only 9 hours of sleep cumulatively in the last two days. Last night I managed to stay up until 9:30PM (go me!) but woke up promptly at 1:30AM and kind of laid quietly and calmly awake until 5AM before getting 2 more hours sleep. I think I�ll sleep better tonight.

Today we toured the university campus and walked around the local area looking at all the student features. Not only did I feel like a silly foreign tourist (we say GAIJIN PARADE!!! It's like we're a circus attraction) but I can�t ever really imagine feeling any different. On the up-side, I�ve met many awesome people and I�m surrounded by what may possibly be the coolest city ever. Maybe once I get some more sleep I�ll be able to enjoy myself a little better.

In any case, I�m fairly certain now that on a regular basis I�ll be able to eat myself into a stupor. Unfortunately, the detriment that being full and/or tired has on my small, small amount of conversational Japanese is terrible. I�ve managed to review the language a bit and make myself understood on a fairly regular basis. Unfortunately, most of the great mom-and-pop spots around here aren�t your International Language hub and so I�ll have to try and make do on my own talking someday soon.

After one day here, however, I feel a lot less apprehensive. This morning I found myself shell-shocked and on the verge of tears after talking to Justin on the phone. I miss him more than I ever could have imagined possible. A day of fun relieved a lot of that pressure, as did talking somewhat successfully in broken Japanese. I keep being tempted to pepper my English (which, for some reason, is degrading into broken English also) with Japanese words and phrases. I�m not sure if this is a step in the right way toward transition, or if it just makes me stupid.

I�m also pleased to get along with a number of the programme participants both male and female. Because I�m a bit of a loner and sort of touchy (Especially when sleep deprived) I feared that my initial response toward the group would be that of condemnation and isolation. Fortunately, most of the people who tend toward study abroad (with the exception of a few that I can think of now) are usually fun and grounded. Or maybe just fun.

I haven�t ridden the subway yet but tomorrow we�re going to ride it to Shinjuku and the government building. It�s nice to have someone to hold out hands while doing things such as getting alien registration, kaiten denwa (cell phones), rail passes, student ID and so on. But part of me wants to get out there with my host family and live life on my own. I do mind being lonely but I don�t know how long I can live civilly in a hotel room the size of my dorm with two roommates. For now everything is kosher.

But since I still haven�t adjusted to the time change quite yet, I again find myself blithering like and idiot. So it�s off to bed with me and tomorrow is another day.

I miss you so much Justin. It�s driving me crazy and I send you all my love. I got you the cutest freaking post-card that I will try to send shortly. I love you.

the supremely surreal
I went to bed last night at 2:30 AM, got up at 5:45 and sat through the whole plane ride with maybe�. MAYBE two hours of fitful half-sleep. Max. It�s now 2AM Pacific time and I have, I estimate, three more hours before I should go to bed. Nine PM isn�t a shameful bed-time is it?

I�ve been in the airport for three hours now, checking in, customs, baggage, waiting for further arrivals so we can take the two hour bus ride to our hotel. I have a sick, rotting feeling in my stomache that accompanies extreme sleep loss but overall, I feel fine. The world just seems� far, far away, like I�m looking at it through a strange lens. There is a huge, plasma-screen TV down the terminal showing silent, 15-foot bouts of sumo. Everyone speaks Japanese. Not that I find this suprising.

Oh, and I was right, carrying a teddy-bear made my life easier. Everyone�s been unbearably nice to me and I didn�t get searched or detained once in the three airports and two customs checkpoints I�ve been through today.

I�m ready to pass out now.

Happy Trails
Well, I�m off. It�s hard leaving on such a bittersweet note, but I know things will keep changing quickly for weeks to come.

I�ll see y�all on the flip-side. So long, space cowboy!

fuzzy logic
This entry is a private post. If you are one of my close personal friends and would like the password, I'll be delighted to give it to you.

Happy Trails
I'm ready to be on my way after spending a much-needed evening at Toyoda sushi eating sushi, drinking sake and talking to Nat-chan and a lovely woman from Okinawa. I talked to Toyoda (Nat-chan) in Japanese for a while and I was surprised at both how easily it came back to me and how confident I felt after speaking and listening. When I chatted with the Okinawan woman at the bar next to me, she was so utterly sweet and reassuring that I couldn't help getting excited for the trip.

And, oh my god, I know I'm getting my hopes up unrealistically (especially on a student visa) but she said that a woman she knew who was very much too short to model in the US made over TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS a month working in Tokyo a little while ago because caucasians are at such a premium. Um, hell yeah? I may not be good enough but until someone tells me that for sure... I'm going to give it a try and maybe put some cash toward staying at a Ryokan (Traditional Japanese Inn) with onsen (hot springs) in Sapporo over the winter and scuba diving in Okinawa with Justin. Maybe pay off some of my loans? So I'm a closet optimist, shut up.

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go....

Keep an eye out for Glacier pictures soon.

Thursday

Feeling much better now but moments of on and off terror and sadness. Justin seems to be feeling a lot more confident and so, assured of his place in Seattle, I feel a little calmer about leaving. In a way it makes it harder because I want so much to be with him.

I said goodbye to Dameon and Darragh yesterday, as well as some of the other Knights. Lauri sent me off with a travel charm, as did Alex. Alex came up from Portland on the train, jet lagged from being in Italy for 5 weeks and all, to say goodbye to me. I love that boy... I will miss him.

Things aren't getting harder; they aren't getting easier, they just ARE. For me right now, life is a gaping hole after Tuesday with no plans and no expectations. I think I'll feel a lot better once I get on the plane.

Purgatory
Too many bad feelings.
I hate this place, I really do. I don't know why.
My stomach hurts and I feel like I should either be shitting rivers or vomiting but I'm neither.
One moment I'm numb, the next the smallest thing sends me into a catastrophic emotional collapse. It's on and off again every second, pulling myself through the days and trying to remain positive.
I'm so scared. Today I lost my home, I lost my cat, and I lost my live-in partner.
No one is here to hold me.
I know I'll have a good time in Tokyo eventually but right now I don't want it. I don't care. I want to go back to my apartment with Justin and Rupert and sign another year lease.
What the fuck have I done? I don't want this. I don't want any of it.
I had no idea it would be this hard.
I want to go home.
I have no home.
I feel sick.

semi-automatic
Today I indulged in a new sort of stress-relieving activity, except that I spent the better part of the beginning of it tense and nervous beyond belief.

Guess what I did?? I played with guns!!!!! =D =D



OK, well, not "played with," learned to shoot. Dave, our mutual Seattle-Knights friend and an ex-army arms enthusiant, took us out into back-country Corvallis and taught me about weaponry. Seems he was shocked to learn that I'd never fired a weapon before and had to fix that problem before I went abroad. See, I WAS scared of guns. Conceptually. I don't have a political problem with them, mind you, although I'm more on the side AGAINST the free-distribution of weaponry... but I had never touched one and was a little timid about them. Let's just say I don't like loud noises.

Anyway, some flaming orange ear plugs and a few rounds off with a shotgun helped solve that problem. I think I liked the handguns the best but the assault rifle was cool for the novelty and the reverberation. Hooooly shit.

I have to admit, I didn't feel half the drive or the power I thought I'd feel the first time I shot a gun, but that may be because I'm in a pretty emotionally vulnerable place right now and I wasn't geared up or angry the way I'd have to be to feel rad with a weapon. I wasn't particularly fond of the kick on the big guns (rifles/ shotguns) at first... but by the end of it I was having fun trying to pick mauled cans and milk jugs off a log with my terrible aim.

I also learned that as strong as I am, my female arms are in no way capable of holding up a rifle or absorbing kickback as well as I'd hoped. Well, phoo. At least I can TRY to look like Rambo:




But I think the boys pulled it off better.

turning the wheel
Panic. Calm. Keeping it together. Taking it all apart.

Fear. Falling.

Tears.

Is there an end in sight?

Can't write, too torn, too busy. Drowning in everything that has been and everything that will be.

Praying for a return to my center.

flog me
I'm so busy I actually forgot to/ couldn't eat lunch today. And this never happens to me because I'm mildly hypoglycemic and become non-functional if I don't eat. It's all coming together, though. I have half the Glacier photos I want to show-and-tell uploaded along with complementary thumbnails. The way things are working out, though, I don't know if I want to "waste" the time it takes to sit down and write out our narrative while I'm trying to enjoy every precious moment during the last days at my apartment and in Eugene. Honestly, I spend enough time forced to sit in front of a computer each day without blogging right now. It'll pick up a bit while I'm at the folks' house and then again after a while when I'm in Japan. Must warn though, it may be slow or nonexistent for a while after I get there... no idea what my net connect is going to be like.

Eh, well. Among other inane chatter, I've recently gleaned (another) 500 MP3s (for a total of 1500 now) and several gigs of high-encode anime from Micah and Ryan, respectively. If I ever get bored, I'll be surprised. I'm going to get a haircut this weekend and buy my last set of Gaijin-sized underwear at Victoria's Secret. Boy, I can't wait.

Life just keeps getting weirder and weirder and I have this strange half-sick, half-elated feeling that I ain't seen NOTHIN' yet.

drugged stupor
With the extra oxygen content down here I feel like I have cotton in my brain. God, I like being ABOVE sea level so much better. Ugh... and there's so much to do. Too bad I don't really care about any of it. I think I'm going to have to skip going to the gym so that I have more time... but then, I might just freak out from lack of endorphins... and the thought that I'm getting slowly, steadily weaker.

UGH.

Right now I'm tearing the Panther beta (os 10.3) off my 12"inch for the third time and reverting it, finally, to Jaugar (10.2) because I'm so freaking sick of all the bugs. I have playing tech support for myself.

UGH.

Today is just... UGH.

But because I have a moment between waiting and dragging files onto my iPod (also a convenient, 15gig portable hard drive!), here's another resized Glacier picture of the night we watched the fires sweep the ridge. The moment I took this, the fire was undergoing a particularly large flare-up, so much so that the sky lit up yellow and there's actually a lens flare (middle, left of the photo) in the picture. This picture was not altered in any way (hence the extreme grain). It was taken with a Canon G3 (digital) over a 15 second exposure at f2.0. I believe the "film speed" was 400.

Oh my God
How am I going to get through the next three weeks? I have so much that needs to get done, so many loose ends and I'm going to be a complete emotional wreck. Everything is changing. Everything. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Why does this scare me? Nothing is ever the same... I'm just used to it moving... slower.

I'll post the Glacier pictures some time before the end of the week once I've sorted and sized them all.

insecurity
This feeling of abject terror is creeping up on me as each morning passes.

What have I done?

I'm leaving for Tokyo and Justin, in a change of plans will be moving to Seattle to pursue other, more noble activities than wasting time as a Data Monkey at an insurance company and waiting for me to come home. In a week, I will never live in this apartment again. In a week I will be ALONE. And when I say "alone" I mean more alone than I will have been in seven years. I will be alone on the other side of the world.

And yet, not alone. With me I take the surprising support of a loving partner and the strength I've garnered over the last few years. Ahead of me I have rendezvous with friends and a coworker overseas. There will be nothing but adventure for the next nine months... I do expect it to be the best time of my life.

But this doesn't quell the terror any. This last year has so far been the happiest and most balanced I can remember. I don't want to screw it all up; I don't want to change now that it's all back to good. I don't, more than anything, cherish the thought of coming home and maybe deciding to try to work another long-distance relationship. I don't want to fall back.

I tell myself I have nowhere to go but up. But the thought of total change in the face of my own insecurity has latched onto me a feeling of fear that won't go away.

Where am I going?

What have I done?

back to civilization
We're back, all four of us... and I think we'll have a bit of a hard time adjusting to civilization again. We've gotten used to being a BIT candid over the last week, and I doubt the general public would appreciate our cadence of farts, burps, "your mom jokes," genetalia humor and uncensored sexual and political conversations. I guess that being in the mountains will do that to ya... or maybe it was the freakin' wildfires. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The perversity... er, the wildfires.... er, screw it, I'm going to bed.

Anyway, there will follow a cascade of photos, as Rachel and I probably have over 800 digital shots of miscellaney, summits, wildlife, fires, and general hooligannery. I'm going to bed right now though... so damn tired.




It burns, burns, burns... the ring of fire....