stroking my ego
Yesterday was a difficult day. It really helped to have a few drinks and some food with Kim after those classes. We had quite a good time and I would have felt much better if not for my bloody feet... I've been trying to dress nicely and all my shoes give me HEINOUS blisters where the straps are!! I was also extremely stressed and tired after a full day and not enough sleep. It was great to meet Kim (from 35 Degrees), who is a really cute and fun person. =D We took a load off in an Izakaya (bar) in the Shinjuku Kabukicho (like, kind of the shady pimped-out part of town. And when I say pimps, I mean really). We will DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY get together for karaoke. I am SO ready.

Of course, the classmates who I told about Kim were cautious that I was meeting someone from the internet. I guess "meeting someone from the internet" calls up images of freaky drooling 30-something male sociopaths. Of the two other people I've met from online chat, one was a long-time boyfriend and the other a UofO comrade. Let's just say that I wasn't worried AT ALL about my attempt to meet Kim in Shinjuku. I mean god, what did these people think was going to happen? That I'd be nabbed by some stranger in an extremely public place? I sort of laughed at them, told them I've seen tons of pictures of Kim and anyway, if I didn't see anyone resembling the pictures then the meeting wouldn't exactly happen, would it? I guess I don't need to explain that Kim is not, in fact, a 30-year-old male sociopath. Some might call me stupid for having had internet meetings over the last six years but I'm seriously of the opinion that only stupid people are kidnapped by internet sociopaths. The people I've met on the 'net are some of the best friends I've ever had, mainly because they know so well how to express themselves. Same case with Kim. I think we'll get along great!!

So we had a fun time and then I went home and crashed (hence last night's brief entry). I'm still feeling a bit strung out today. And emotionally destructive. Very dramatic and it is NOT a good sign. Of course, I expected being here to be an emotional exposee, showing me what my priorities are but what I didn't anticipate was what it would be like to actually deal with it. I think, however, that it's quite normal to freak out a bit. I don't know. We'll see. I'm being purposefully ambiguous because how I feel really changes from moment to moment.

Like I said, today was much better. The Japanese class is still stupidly remedial but actually I'm finding it nice to have a review. It's clarifying a lot for me. In fact, I'm picking up lots of nice new trivial stuff. Yay. I'm still going to try to place up a level or two if I can but the staff is so friggin unhelpful. You'd think that here of all places they'd let you hang yourself with your own rope and choose the damn class you want. But nooooo, they want to go by that STUPID placement test that only comprehensively tested new students and experienced students and left all the intermediate students to flounder. You think they'll listen to advice about their testing methods either? Oh no, not in Japan.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just stupid. I'm seriously a bit dyslexic at Japanese. I always get things backwards and things like that. It makes me look like a big retard. But I have more classes than just Japanese and all my English classes are refreshingly good at making me feel smart again. Half of the day I'm having intellectual discourse and the other half I'm saying things like "I goed store and buy many thing good yes?" in broken Japanese. Pffh.

My english language clases are pretty good though. The theatre and religion classes, although promising, may be a bit dry. The Buddhist religion teacher really had no clue what was the deal with his class or even that it was an international division class. Despite that our books are supposedly covered by our CIE deposit, he immediately requested that we buy a $50 book, that he hopes is still around because it was published twenty years ago. Oh, and he's not sure where to find it in English. Greeeaaaat. Well, I guess that's his problem figuring it out because none of us are going to until he tells us.

I'm taking this "English and Japanese in contrast: culture and language" class taught by a cultural anthropologist. Seems like it'll be excellent and a fun discourse in linguistics, cultural studies and ethnography. GREAT preparation for my thesis. Might consider independent study credits in the spring. Also had "Tokyo in Literature" today, a combination reading/discussion and creative writing class. The teacher is also very good and it should be an entertaining class.

Tomorrow I have no classes. Thursday I have class from 9:40 to 4 and Friday I only have my morning class until noon. So the majority of my classes are on Monday and Tuesday. Both of those days (despite a Monday open period) I'm on campus from 9:40 until 6PM. Yay me. Gotta find some way to make my lunch because buying is expensive. Needless to say, that's a LONG day. Especially on Tuesday where I'm in the same damn room for EVERY CLASS.

Since I get home at 6:30, it makes sense that they eat dinner so late here. [I'm still wondering, however, how a Japanese diet will affect me. Mostly it seems light, though often I eat more fried foods than I normally would (but in smaller quantities).] We got out of class a little early today so some of the gaijin walked to Takadanobaba station and went to the Hyaku-en (one dollar) store there for school supplies. I do enjoy walking to and from the station in the morning and evening, despite that it's a 15 minute walk on top of a 1/2 hour commute. It helps me wake up and unwind and there are always interesting things to see on the way. One thing in particular that's caught my eye over the last week is that there's always a line at the Pachinko parlor before it even opens. Pachinko is a popular game here in Japan; it's like pinball with bazillions of little silver balls... except that it's for money. Like under-the-counter money because gambling is technically illegal. Anyway, it's so popular that there are parlors everywhere and people line up to get in. Freaking weird, man. Like native american casinos on japanese crack.

At both ends of my commute today, I had interesting and flattering interactions with some of the natives. While I was waiting for the bus today at my station, a middle-aged man in the front of the line turned around and asked me, in some grammatical structure I didn't recognize, if I was American. I sort of blathered yes and missed most of the rest of what he said. It was rather funny, though, because what I did gather was that he told me I was very beautiful and then jokingly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend or if he could be my boyfriend. Then he shook my hand and got on the bus and we didn't speak another word. While this might seem weird, he wasn't creepy or anything; it just seemed like he was trying to give me an offhand flirty complement, sort of joking-like.

Then, on the way home through Takadanobaba, a gaggle of (probably) middle-school girls were walking next to me and some of the other gaijin. The guy next to me told me that they were "checking me out" but I sort of didn't believe him (or notice) until one of them turned and looked up at me (they were about my height) and said to her friend, "Sugoi! (Read: cool)". Woot. I am so the American Goddess.

With all the stress I'm exeriencing this week, it really does help to have my ego stroked a little bit. Makes me smile in the moments between gritted teeth. I got a list of modeling agencies to go by now. Some are from the program coordinator, others from friends. If I can grow the balls to call/ email them and speak to them in broken Japanese or English then I might be set for work. All I need is a couple thousand dollars ($2 grand would be more than enough) over the course of the year for more "beer" and "travel" money and I'd be set. Still, it's difficult to get up the nerve to attempt to go out looking. And then I have to fill out "work permits," etc. Maybe I'll call some this weekend and go out next Wednesday when I have class off.

Oh God, and I'd just like to say that this family dog is terribly obnoxious. There's no way I'll grow to love it. It's just the stupidest animal ever, really. It's always scratching at me, humping me, barking at me. I'm sure all it wants is attention but if I give it any then it ALWAYS wants more. Anyway, I can't bring myself to play with it. It's better to ignore it. Sorry, HIM... I should say HIM. The dog isn't neutered (as very few here seem to be) so it's definitely a "him." Stupid horny dog.

Another thing that occurred to me today is how different the "visible" Japan is from the "anime" Japan. I mean, so many of us gaijin come here drawn by the world we see in anime, which is our American exposition to Japan and what we find is completely different yet still the same. Of course, it seems obvious and, in a way, it is. Japan is NOT a cartoon. Life here is much more serious and mundane than in any given "hijinks" anime. It's the real world. Yeah, it's freaky-weird and comical almost all the time. Yeah, I've seen scads of girls dressed up in freaktacular outfits (like doll clothes and goth-clown things) that you'd never even see in the Seattle U-District. And... I'm sure there are plenty of comical things going on around me but I'm simply too unskilled to understand the humour.

BUT, my point is that the real Japan seems to much more cold than the anime Japan and that's not something I expected. It's not the people, per se. Everyone I've met (with the exception of one or two) has been welcoming and polite. There's just so much here that you never see. The stuff that brings you down. Like the economic depression, homeless people, teenage (and other) prostitution, youth crime, loss of identity. In a city so vast, the "vibe" of these problems is overwhelming. Tokyo feels "cold" to me because it's too easy to get swept away. Everyone's thoughts are floating around in the air. Everyone's secrets and dreams are snatching at my ears. There are so many people here, so much raw chi that it's hard to think. It's all a knotted mass of lines and colors. I can't see anything, I can't find my own place except in precious few moments. My hope is that as I become oriented I'll learn to read Tokyo as clearly as I can read the Pacific Northwest. Right now it's all a mess. I can't hear myself think. I promised myself before I came here though, I won't let this city take my power from me. I won't lose myself in the city. I won't become this solemn person that I fear. I will stop letting the flow determine my direction. I will stop letting the past determine my direction. I will learn to think for myself.

I will learn to grow even where there is no soil, where there is no air, where the sky is almost out of reach.