regrets, I've had a few- but then again...
I'm taking today as a sort of day of rest. Chilling out, watching some anime, you know. I tell myself it's because I've been so busy but really it's because I'm a cowards. I want to go out exploring but I'm terrified. I'm terrified of speaking. I'm terrified of being swallowed alive by this city. I'm terrified of losing my confidence and independence when I really have no reason to be afraid... those things have already (temporarily) been lost.

When you were a child, did you ever make a "secret language" with your friends? Learning Japanese, or trying to, is like attempting to master a secret language gone terribly awry. It's just SO different from Enlish that you have to start from ground zero. And with the human brain, that's really just not possible. My mind keeps attempting to translate from English direct into Japanese and that just doesn't work with all grammar. I hate speaking, I'm petrified of it, and so I seem to just be opting not to. Hence the hiding in my room.

I'd rather LIKE to go out to Shibuya or Harajuku but God, how do I get there? What do I do when I DO get there? What is everyone else doing today? Would they just pity me if they knew I was hiding in my room?

I talked to Justin and bit and I was waiting to see if Alex would come online, but with his potential S.O. back in town (you choose the meaning of the acronym) I don't think I'll see him for a bit. I'm feeling bad right now. Not TERRIBLE but bad. My apartment is gone. I'm no longer a part of my circle of friends. I'm all alone. And I risk now losing the two people closest to me but for different reasons. I'd be a whiny stupid kid if I were to say, "It's not fair," because it certainly is fair. That's just life. I'll go on being envious and petrified and stupid and so forth because I invent drama in mine.

There are a few things I wish I had done. There are a few things I wish I had said. But the time for that has passed. There are some things that are beyond my grasp now and the only thing for me to do is to learn to let go. That's something I haven't yet mastered. I manipulate, I infer, I meddle until I'm satisfied with the results. But there's always some undetermined factor that comes into the picture. Always. You'd think I'd learn just to get on with it and avoid the stress of constantly having to re-manipulate the situation and adjust my grip to deal with unforseen circumstance. I am not in control. As much as I'd like to be.

Fuck. Well. That's just the way things are. And yes, I'm being purposefully vague both for my own intentions and because I don't *really* know what I'm talking about. I've been so busy that I haven't really had time to think yet. Right now I don't really want to see anyone. I just want to release it all and have no part in it. I hate feeling things like this; I hate feeling bad.

I hope Japan doesn't turn me completely existential (re: Evangelion, etc) because it seems a pretty existential place. But I guess existentialism doesn't necessarily equate to pessimism or unhappiness. So I guess I'm wrong in saying that I want to release it all. I do want to be a part of everything... but I want to be a part of something (or someone) that can't be taken away from me. I want to be a part of something with no negativity.

In short, I want to get rid of all this fear that is disempowering me, making me cowardly, making me jealous, making me angry. I'm sick of it all. I just want to be happy.

So I will. I'm going to go out now and buy some groceries for my lunch. I'm going to call a friend or two and maybe go to Shibuya with them. Or buy myself. I'm going to feel better once I get out of this room. I'm going to feel empowered. I'm going to not care about the stupid and petty things. And the things that are a thousand miles away from me, physically and emotionally, and out of those realms of control. I'm going to lighten the hell up.

I'm going to have a good time.

I'll tell you one thing that's very strange though. It's turning off the anime on my computer to hear the language dialogue continue outside my window. Weird, I thought at first, That's never happened before. And then I realized that yes, I was actually IN Japan.

I hope I can like it here. I want to like it here. Right now I'm just worried about the crash that will come after the novelty of it all wears off. Maybe, though, I'm just anticipating nothing. Maybe I'll be just fine.