The Breakdown
mood at the moment: lonely, scared, tired as hell, sick, worried, frustrated, isolated, upset. Thinking that this was a very stupid idea but that I�d be even stupider not to stick it out.

I�ve been on my feet all day, in tall shoes. I have blisters on my toes and a heat rash re-occurring under my arms. Despite jet-lag and a lack of readily available drinking fountains (I must have spent close to $10 on water today) I managed to walk around Tokyo from 12:30PM to 9:30PM. For the first few hours, I was having a good time, feeling optimistic and keeping my eyes open. We traveled from Takadanobaba near Waseda University and the hotel to Shinjuku, where we went to the observation tower on the 45th floor of the Metropolitan Government Office. After that, we went to the �electronics district� nearby and looked at pocket dictionaries. I should be able to get a nice one for around $180.

For lunch we ate soba. As much as my initial impression is still that I will always love Japanese food, I may get righteously sick of all the salt. On the other hand, they eat practically NO dairy here and I�m eager to see the results of cutting that from my diet. Finally, we took the train to Ueno and the shopping district there, where we went to the nearby temple and shrines and after an hour or two of walking around we took the subway to the Edo Tokyo museum and had a bit of history. (I don�t even want to think about how much the subway/train fare was over the course of today.)

But I�m being a typical American contemplating my financial matters. It seems that they don�t think too much about that here. Foreign money still feels like play money to me, but that doesn�t mean I�m any more ready to get rid of it. I have a few purchases in mind, so I�m saving the big bucks for a cell phone and dictionary. I guess I have to buy a little handkerchief or hand towel, too, because none of the public restrooms here seem to have towels in them. I�d forgotten about that.

After two days of gazing out above the heads of a racially homogeneous culture, I�m beginning to be frightened by my own reflection. Consciously, of course, I realize that I�m different than everyone. Subconsciously I don�t understand how it looks to be 5� 11� and blonde here until I catch myself out of the corner of my eye and go �Aah!� I�ve only just begun to notice the stares over my own ogling. And today a group of high school boys took my picture with their cell phone behind my back. It�s amazing how few white people there are here and how many there are in the United states. Or maybe that�s not really amazing. I�m tired and stupid and I don�t care.

I�m not used to being a minority. I�m not used to feeling tired and quiet and so alone. At the temple today we gave a donation for a �fortune� and, rather Unfortunately, mine read something like an obituary. �BAD FORTUNE:� it said, �YOU ARE LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER. YOU HAVE TWO MINDS AND ONE BODY. FORTUNE MAY COME YOUR WAY BUT YOU DO NOT SEE IT. MANY BAD TIMES ARE AHEAD. DO NOT ATTEMPT NEW THINGS SUCH AS TRAVEL, MARRIAGE, OR NEW CAREERS.� Great, thanks o wise kami-sama. I needed that.
While the other groups of giddy young people stood laughing about their lot, I felt that mine was actually adeptly somber. Of course, now I realize what I�ve taken for granted, what I will miss, and how alone I am. I understand that I know only a small fraction of the words and grammar of this language and I can�t even begin to express myself. I wonder when I�ll begin to feel OK and not like a fish out of water. I should shut up because I�ve only been here for two days� but with this jet-lag, two surreal days feels like forever.

I took my first real batch of photos today. Maybe I�ll post them, if I ever get this damn computer online. Consider the Glacier entry to be postponed indefinitely, although you can find the pictures here. Maybe I�ll write it up for posterity. Maybe not.

I feel insanely inadequate. I could sense a breakdown looming as we took the train back from Ueno to the hotel. Mostly, I�m tired, but my thoughts circled around the one person that I have to hold on to. Again and again I found myself on the verge of tears.

It�s a catch-22, being here and facing this loneliness. I don�t want to be that girl who whines about the �boyfriend back home,� at all but I can�t begin to express the sadness at recognizing the closeness I�ve taken for granted and the deep-seeded fear that I will, in fact, get over it soon. That�s right, I�m afraid of being OK. This is what kind of stupid masochist I am. I keep thinking, �God, when I�m no longer lonely I�ll no longer cares what happens to us.� But right now I really do care what happens to us. I care so much it scares me� but, err, I guess in that good way. I just want to go home.

I came back to the hotel and decided to have a cry. Not more than two minutes alone, but eventually I got it all out. Nevermind, that�s a lie. I got a small portion of it out. Now I�m just sick and tired. And lonely as hell.

My heart is breaking. At least I�m no longer scared of speaking Japanese but it�s too bad I don�t have the words to say that.