Snapshots
A few pictures from the weekend, for your amusement.

I wore a ton of makeup while playing the role of Katlin, Iron Wolf's ward. It was stage makeup, effective both in bringing out my facial features so they could be seen from a distance and in making me seem... slutty. I haven't worn that much makeup in my entire life. Not since maybe a halloween ten years ago. Not even to prom, thank God, even though I know girls who did. Despite my gripes with face paint and the bad habit I have of constantly wearing just a bit, I was pleased and surprised that it didn't feel nearly as nasty as I expected it to. And I also had a bit of fun with the effect. Do I make a good trollop? I'm only looking perturbed in this picture because the sun is in my eyes.

Kathy, who played my "nurse" had to cake on the face paint to age herself. She's not really that old... the silver hair is a wig. I do pity her wearing the shawl, though.

Jester, the hyena-man, has a bit more than makeup to put on, though he wears that, too. Before gluing on his mask, he puts in red contacts-- he would have been wearing full-eye black lenses had he not torn one-- and paints black around his eyes, nose, mouth and any other area visible from outside his costume. The effect afterwards is really remarkable. Because of the size of the head you can't see the face underneath the mask at all. The mouth of the mask even moves when he talks. It's put on in two pieces. First, the jaw, which straps to the back of the head and enables the "talking" effect, and then the face which is glued via spirit gum to Dave's own face. MMMM. Spirit gum. He's not hiding his face to be cute in this picture; he's pressing the mask onto the glue on his skin. You should hear it when it pulls off. Like one huge motherfucking band-aid.

Justin doesn't have to worry about make-up (though he might look cute if he did), he'd sweat it all off anyway. He just has to be able to act and fight. He works with the Blue faction, a shiny, money-grubbing group. He's shown in this photo with Anne, his adopted stage sister. They have practically the same armor so they play it off like they're twins.

Finally, I leave you with Man-Killer, the horse who fell on Lee. That's his wife petting the horse before the show. I wonder if they had a spat and she hexed it... maybe it had something to do with a certain little redheaded stepchild? Nevermind. Actually, the horse's name is Crescendo, called "Cres" for short, but we're thinking we'll opt for "Crush" from now on. Poor horse is really quite sweet and VERY fast, it's just that he's "green" and hasn't ever done a faire before. The Greenwood jousting field is notoriously noisy with the drums from the bellydancing group only 20 feet away and with nearly hourly gunfire and cannon shots from all about the camp. I don't blame Cres for freaking out. Still, I'm becoming more and more convinced that horses are some of the stupidest animals ever. Why the hell does a freak-out merit rearing up and flipping over onto your rider? Armored rider or no, you think the horse might have their own welfare in mind.

Well, what the fuck, nothing ever makes sense at Faire. That's why it's so much fun to step into the surreal all weekend. I can't wait for the next one... Hood River, Oregon on the 19th of this month. And in the interrum, Country Faire in Eugene!!! Huzzah!

I am...
No ordinary person
full imagination and originality
shy and reserved
ambitious
proud
self-respect
hungers for new experiences
sometimes nervous
many complexes
good memory
learns easily
complicated love life
wants to impress.

Maple-- Independence of Mind


Who are YOU? (Link from Eyesicle)

My double life
Ssh, don't tell anyone. We're back from the first show, an experience both satisfying and utterly exhausting. There's no question that Justin did far more work than I did, being that he walked around all weekend in the 100+ degree heat with 35 lbs of armor strapped to him. On the other hand, I did my fiar share of getting dragged around in a black velvet dress and leather most of both days. It certainly was a different experience than last year's show during which I had to spend showtimes outside of the Knights area and wasn't actually on the gate lists as a member of the group. I guess I passed the test if there was one.

The Knights have this "buddy system" to prevent confrontations with other fairgoers who occasionally accost the troupe members and challenge them. In order to make sure there's another groupie there to vouch for your actions, each Knight is required at all times to be with another troupe member while outside of the roped off camp area and joust field. Last year I was in a bit of a pickle because I wasn't allowed to escort anyone so whenever I wanted to hang out with Justin someone else had to walk around town with us. Sometimes people told ME I needed to have a buddy, which was a problem seeing as I wasn't allowed to buddy anyone else. This year I was promoted so I didn't have to spend the whole time wandering around by myself and I could actually walk justin to the latrines. Heh.

I don't think I'm on the payroll (it would be nice, wouldn't it?), nor do I particularly think I deserve to be. But it was fun playing a part. This weekend I was Lady Katlin, the ward of Iron Wolf. The tournament was held to auction off the lands of my "mysteriously deceased" father and, in addition, to win my hand in marraige. Of course, everyone was after my land except Justin, who wasn't qualified to fight for me, so he had to hire some creepies to kidnap me and threaten to not give me back unless he won. Needless to say, we were happily reunited both days.

Greenwood is a tough show to work. It's probably the nicest site to camp on because it's so picturesque-- right on the river, plenty of shade. But regardless, it's east of the mountains and in the middle of a fucking desert so it's hot as HELL and sometimes muggier than death. I think it got up to 105 on Saturday. No one fainted from heat stroke, but there were other injuries. One Knight tripped during "Shoot a Knight" (where the kids line up and shoot rubber-tipped arrows at armored knights between acts) and fell onto the edge of his helmet. Twenty stitches. Another threw out a lumbar vertebre during the same activity on Sunday and was laid up the entire day unable to walk. We all had more than a little scare when Lee's horse, spooked by all the activity, decided to rear up and FALL ON HIM before the start of the first act on Sunday. Lee was taken out of the running but had little more than a minor leg injury. The horse got the rest of the day off, too. Thankfully, only very small injuries were caused by the carelessness of another person during combat, so despite the fact that there were so MANY stupid things that happened, no one felt as bad. Justin came away with a cut on his lip from when Paul's sword rebounded off his gorget and caught him in the face. It could have been worse but he's absolutely fine. I managed not to do anything stupid like I did last year when I scarred my calf by impaling my leg on Pete's quillion in a dark pavillion. I still have a mark there. Ouch.

It's nice to be clean and showered after two days being hot and sweaty without bathing. MMM. I don't really have anything to complain about-- not like Dave, anyway. The poor guy is stuck in black clothing, leather plate and chainmail all weekend with a fur hyena head glued to his face ALL DAY. Not to mention he had to haul my ass off the field over his shoulder when they kidnapped me. Dave says he doesn't mind the costume during the day. In fact, he gets so far into his character's psychosis that he forgets all about it. For a REALLY nice guy, he sure goes a bit crazy sometimes. When he ripped one of the $150 full-eye black contacts he bought for his character on Saturday morning he threw a fit like you wouldn't believe. Actually, I might have done the same if I'd just ripped a $150 contact lens. But he got over it just enough to let his angst stew at all the people who asked him if he was a Furry this show. No, Dave is NOT a furry. Biiiiig mistake. Dave is a 250 lb. 6 1/2 ft ex-army man who, despite being one of the sweetest people I know (and managing to NOT look it), has a bit of a THING against certain sexual kinks. Mainly gays and furries. One probably comes from being in the army. The other comes, obviously, from a few years of being hit on by flagrantly yiffy people at faires just because he plays a dog-faced character. It doesn't help that most of the furries who hit on Dave are men either. We had a run-in with a really cute couple at the faire, one of whom was walking the other around with a collar and leash. Dave is also escorted about town on a chain. Not because he "likes" it but rather because the character he plays is supposed to be VERY dangerous when unchained. These two guys just wanted to talk about whose 'pet' was cuter and one of them said he wanted Dave's picture for his "special album." I almost choked laughing. Everyone had a bit of a laugh at Dave's expense on Saturday night at camp. I felt a bit bad for the furries who almost had their heads bitten off by Dave, as Faire is probably one of the only places they feel safe "coming out." But I don't blame Dave. At the end of two days of a very surreal existence I always feel a bit short with all the merchants, freaks and fairies who are trying to come onto me too.

It's weird coming back to a normal existence after a few days in the twilight zone. I'm not sure which I like better. My life as an office worker is a bit too mundane for me. It drains all the happiness right out of my days. But the life of a carnie is far too surreal and leaves me feeling bent and warped while trying to transition back into the realm of the normal.

I'm not lying, I'm acting!
OK, we're off to Richland, WA for our weekend show. Join us there if you can, otherwise be back Monday!

sparkly
Ooh, got updated to the new blogger tonight. What took them so friggin long? And in the first 15 minutes of using it, I've been able to accomplish what I never could with the last incarnation of Blogger-- publish my damn archives MONTHLY. Huttah!!!

And a note on the last post: I HAVE been able to increase my need to give me the $7,000 Freeman. Now what should I do? Dyaamn.

Scholarship Update
Looks like I might be able to take the whole $7,000 Freeman after all. Damn, and I was just settling my selfish self on taking the AIEJ. HMM. I should know by week's end. (How many times have I said that to myself??) I guess we'll see.

moose
So I come into work all early-like, planning to just nail that damn iMac lab that I'm upgrading/imaging. What do I find out? That there's a friggin seminar in there from 9-11 every day. God damnit, so much for productivity. That lab's the key to getting these projects done. Oh well, I guess I'll have to tackle it in the afternoon when I'm a little more run down. This job sure isn't tough but there's nothing like sitting in front of the computer for 7 hours a day (not to mention all evening at home) to make one a little cranky. Where has my metabolism gone? It probably went the same place a my sleep and my libido. Justin says Sleep is at a conference in Massachusetts and it won't come back until I'm in bed waiting for it at 10:30. But he also says that my libido went to Idaho because it wanted a potato. What the hell would my libido want with a potato?!??! I dare not ask.

As usual, I was thrilled to finally be done with school but now that I am, I just feel sort of blah. It's cold, then it's hot, then it's cold. I come home from work too hungry to make dinner and too tired to care. I spend my weekends driving four hours one way, five hours another way, standing in the heat in silly costumes and coming home with no time to sleep before work on Monday. That would all be well and good, except that it's the same damn thing every week. No camping trips. No trips to the mountains. No time to go down to San Francisco or up to Orcas. The one obligatory trip to Glacier is my saving grace. Well, that and the fact that in two and a half months I'm leaving the country. No chance for monotony there!

I wouldn't have this problem if I had any energy. Or if I could muster up the strength to be excited instead of constantly having to deal with technical bullshit about the things to which I'm supposed to look forward. Or if I liked my costumes for this summer's show season better.

Speaking of which, this weekend is the first Seattle Knights show. If you're going to be out in the Tri-Cities area this weekend (yes, we are driving all the way out there AND back), please come see the group perform! I'll be wearing some god-awful black velvet thing that makes me look WAY too Goth for my personal tastes and will be in-fucking-credibly hot if the weather is anything like last year. Meh. Oh well, spending a weekend away from the mundane is certainly something to look forward to... if I can manage to deal with the more stressful aspects of it and the people that will NEVER be socially approachable. And maybe I'll get free stuff! I probably won't get paid, but that's OK. Justin's a sexy bitch when he gets out there and it turns me on that he gets to fight over me (for real this time!) with live steel.

You know, I think it's pretty lame that I feel this blah every summer. I think it comes with working full-time. I could always NOT work full-time but it's always been a bit of an obligation. That, and it gets the parents off my back. This summer it's a little more mandatory for travel purposes. I think what I really need is a job that energizes me rather than drains me. But with the economy as depressed as it is and the Bush administration making progress with securing the government for another four years, I don't think that will happen any time soon.

It's funny, I've been waiting for the weather to get nice for so long that now that is IS nice I just feel OBLIGATED to go outside and that makes the whole ordeal a bit of a bummer. Last week I walked along the river with Alex for a good long while and that was nice but since then I haven't been able to get up the energy to go soak up some sun. The times I have been outside I've been just giddy with all the baby animals around. When Alex and I were sitting along the Willamette, we saw a beaver (yes! not a nutria!) come up out of the river and grab some branches. Then, for the second time in two weeks, I saw a school of geese and goslings toodling around the water. The school I saw with Alex was more of a Goose daycare-- a few adults, thirteen babies and two teenagers. The rest of the adults seemed to have it in mind to go elsewhere, probably to drink Goose martinis or something. Finally, two days ago I was biking home at about 5PM and I stopped along the Millrace to watch a Nutria family have a little picnic on the lawn. One big mama and two babies were just sitting out there chowing on the grass. I know Nutria are supposedly obnoxious, non-native pests but they still have a bit of "cute" in them. In fact, they remind me precisely of the guinea pigs I used to have as a kid, except that they have ratty tails and their whiskers are more bristly and cute. Ah animals! My little Rupert's been a darling lately, too. : )

So despite that I've been spending more time away from my blog, I've still been trolling LJ forums and such. It's gotten to be a pretty bad habit and I really should stop, expecially with the forums I'm reading. I've been reading pro_ana forums for almost a year now and I really have learned a lot. Justin's perfectly right that I probably COULD get a publisher's advance if I were to write a book on the subject but I don't want to write a book despite the 'expertise' I may have developed. In fact, I don't even want to follow the forums any more. I'm stable most of the time, on the surface and intellectually, but reading these forums has embued me with an innately skewed perspective. Sort of similar to the feeling that one gets after living in Eugene long enough-- like the liberal viewpoint is the majority-- except that I've been conditioned to believe that this body dismorphic perspective is normal. Maybe it is in today's society, which, like conservatism, is a damn shame. But that doesn't mean I should subject myself to its politics. I find myself nagging subconsciously, "you'd be so much happier if you just lost 10 pounds." Erm, no. I'd be so much 10 pounds underweight if I lost ten pounds. I already have a BMI of 19. I probably wouldn't fall apart if I lost weight, but I might. And still some part of me is tempted to try a juice fast or a cleanse, just because I feel so stagnant, impure, clogged up, et cetera. Eh, I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm not in any trouble, just disillusioned by an odd perspective. I'm sure things will change for me soon.

fear and loathing
Can I just re-iterate how much I hate the Office of Financial "Aid"? I hate them SO much. Every time I ask them a question, they answer it differently than they did the day before. They constantly fuck up my paperwork. They constantly make me wait a leeeeetle longer for information that was supposed to be entered into the computer weeks ago. I hate each and every single one of them. Not because they're "just doing their jobs" but because they do them so goddamn poorly. Hate.

serendipity
For the moment, I've stopped feeling so apprehensive about going to Tokyo. Why? A lovely phone-call with my mother who sounded stressed as usual but otherwise told me that whatever choice I make (monetarily), things will be OK. Foremost, however, is this bloggity blog that I chanced upon while googling a Japanese phrase. Another lady gaijin blogging from Tokyo. An Aussie no less! Well, er, I'm not an Aussie but Lord knows I rather wish I was one. Anyhoo, I perused her backlogs and now I'm quite excited about Tokyo. It may be a matter of personal perspective but the place suddenly just seems like SO MUCH FUN! And boy, I tell ya, I can't wait to get groped on the subway.

And my lack of posting can be explained by one two things. A bad case of the summer doldrums and the desire to, nevertheless, spend as much time AWAY from my computer as possible. ACHOO!

when doves cry
I've been experiencing, personally, the stupid fucking bureaucracy that is university financial aid. It turns out that neither of the blissfully huge scholarships that I was offered for Waseda-- of which I can only accept one, stupidly-- are quite what I had hoped and anticipated. I WANTED to take a scholarship to decrease the amount of loans my parents and I (primarily my parents) had to take out to fund the Waseda trip. This would make them stop whining about finances and also help me in the long run. What I'm getting is a bit of a different picture. Here's a rundown if you can follow along. I'll try to make it as logical as possible. To make sure you followed, there will be a quiz at the end. No, not really, but PLEASE tell me what you think. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

EXPENSES AND FINANCIAL AID:
Total Cost for Waseda (tuition + airfare): About $21,000
Additional expenses (Fees, living expenses, insurance, additional program trips): $4,000 (??)

As of now, I've been offered $5,800 in scholarships from the U of O and $5,500 in loans (the max I, as a dependent student, can take)
That leaves my parents ROUGHLY $9,700 in expenses to be covered in loans or out of pocket, if we assume airfare is $1,000.

STUDY ABROAD SCHOLARSHIP OPTION NUMBER ONE:
The Japanese-awarded AIEJ scholarship
Details: Pays airfare, a settling in allowance of roughly $250 and a monthly stipend of about $690 for 9 months
[NOTE: I had originally assumed I could use this scholarship to pay tuition like any other scholarship, but I cannot. The AIEJ is meant as a "living expense" scholarship and would be VERY DIFFICULT to use to pay off my university account. On one hand, then, it would keep me from having to work so damn much for myself. On the other hand, it doesn't do much in the way of getting rid of mom and dad's loans. I must say *I* personally think it's really DUMB to create a "living expense" scholarship for which on of the tenets explicitly states it must be the ONLY scholarship the student takes for study abroad. Excuse me? What about tuition??]

Pros: The more "prestigious" of the two scholarships, covers airfare, less WORK for me and more chance to experience JAPAN
Cons: paid in Yen so worth is subject to changing interest rates (but applied to purchases in the context of yen anyway), more LOANS for my parents and more GUILT for me
**parent loans with this scholarship amount to about $8,700

STUDY ABROAD SCHOLARSHIP OPTION NUMBER TWO:
The US Awarded Freeman-ASIA Scholarship
Details: A potentially $7,000 tuition scholarship
[NOTE: I was offered $7,000 for this scholarship, the maximum amount. What they're telling me NOW, however, is that according to my financial aid, I only have $3,000 worth of NEED so they can only give me a $3,000 scholarship. How they figure: PROGRAM COST ($22,000- they estimate high) minus {EXPECTED FAMILY CONTRUBUTION ($12,950) plus UO SCHOLARSHIPS ($5,800)}= NEED ($3,000). So what I have to do to get the full $7,000 is hope that the UO's "program costs" figure higher than that or that I can somehow increase my need by $4,000. Otherwise this scholarship isn't for $7,000 anymore. Fucking bureaucracy.]

Pros: Applies to tuition. With the full $7,000, my parents only have to pay $2700 in costs (tuition + airfare). Less guilt.
Cons: Doesn't pay airfare. Means more work for me because I NEED to get a part time job to cover horrendous Tokyo expenses (read: no one will be sending my ass money). Without the full $7,000, my parents may have expenses as high as $6,700 (tuition + airfare) AND I'll still have to get a crappy job. I guess I really need to see how this one will pan out...

Which scholarship would you take with that in mind? Now, after you read what's BELOW, tell me again which scholarship you would take:

ACCUMULATED LOAN DEBT:
parent to date: $23,726
student to date: $11,767
TOTAL: $35,493

PARENT total for 5 years: $33,726 - $40,426
STUDENT total for 5 years: $22,767
GRAND total: $56,493 - $63,193

And, yeah, I have three younger, college-bound sisters, one of whom is a college Freshman next year. Jeesus. At least SHE'S in state so she won't ream my parents as much. Fuuuuuuuck me.

So. So I'm going to be in debt the rest of my life because *I* plan on taking over my parents loans, whether they laugh at me for saying it or not. But shit. I don't know what to do. What would you do? What do you recommend?

Oh! Oh yea! I'm... I'm....
You'll want to read my new link, if you haven't already: Blogasm, as stolen from Erica. RAWR!!

Sure? Unsure!
I sometimes wonder if I consciously perpetuate my own vicious cycles. The more I tell people about my trip to Japan this fall, the more they say "oh, you'll LOVE it!" and the more I feel both braggy and terrified. I hope I'm not talking myself into a miserable time there by parrying with my own fear. But like the man says, "You have nothing to fear but fear itself." Er, well, I guess that wasn't the man, it was FDR. Then there's my favourite Bene Geserit Litany (this from someone who thinks Dune was a boring read):

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

I'll be fine. I just don't know what the hell to think about what I'm doing. There are so many roads diverging and converging now... so many possible outcomes. My mind wants to cling to one thing, one hope, one great expectation and finds that it's lost in all this swirling chaos. So, for the most part, I'm left with in a sort of limbo with the feeling of surreality. Me? I'm not really going to Japan. That's just something I like to say. I wonder why I find so much comfort in the purchase of this new laptop and iPod. Maybe technology and music have become my major lifelines. Sure wish I was depending more on the prospect of the interpersonal relationships I have yet to forge.. but you know me, I'm scared of people. I keep telling myself I'm not, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I am.

Speaking of people, I'd like to give a shout out to Richard, who just wrote me probably the nicest and most well-composed "glad to have stumbled across your blog" letters I've ever recieved. I find it funny that I usually get one or two of these messages most frequently when I'm in a weeklong slump and not writing much. It's nice to know that while everyone else who was interested is wandering off, new people are wandering in. More motivation to keep up the journey into self, I suppose. Anyhow, I thank you, friend.: ): ) And I will write you back-- just not tonight. It's time to sleep for me. I've got a long day at work tomorrow upgrading Macs from the early 90s. Huttah. And no iPod to keep me company... YET.

Must say, I've not been thrilled with the (surprise) gross incompetence of the Financial Aid office. Called them this morning to find out that for the last weeks they've been having "difficulty" issuing promissory notes which means my parents haven't gotten one to sign so that the UO can issue me the funds from my parent loan extension. Difficulties?!? What's so hard about making a half-page printout, shoving it into an envelope, addressing it and posting it??? I suppose when you've got several hundred but STILL. Jeex people, you get PAID to do this crap. They say it went out today or tomorrow so I'll have to bite my nails for another week or two and pray they don't screw it up. Ah, technolust, how I love you.

OH. And I'm wearing a DRESS tomorrow. Exciting, ne? It's the first time I'll have done it casually in a while.I'm test-driving a new thing (the blue one) I got from Old Navy. We shall see if this tomboy can be made effeminate yet. Panties? Who needs 'em. Oops, I meant pants. PANTS. Yeah.

NOTE: new pictures page is up under the "Pictures" listing on the left sidebar. Check it out. My little corner for narcissism. ; ) It's better that you know what I look like and don't imagine me as something completely different!

NOTE 2: Jeee-sus Chee-rist. I passed 25,000 hits and I didn't even notice. Tells you how much attention I've given this thing lately. Don't worry, my chicks, when things start to swirl back up again, my head will start to spin and I'll need my precious words to sort it out. And I'm sure having a laptop will help. ; )

that lovvin' feeling... whooooaaahh....
OMFG. So bored. Can't remember how to entertain myself aside from reading pointless forums for hours... and I can even do that at work. Elp.

ho hum
Right after my final final Justin and I drove up to Portland and spent the next two and a half days doing manual labor for his mom. Why? Because we were getting paid $10/hr to clean their (already perfect) West Hills home so they can show it on the market when they plan to move up to Seattle. MMM.... $200 in-pocket is more than enough to help pay for Tori tickets and part of an iPod.

I'm enjoying my summer so far. Sort of relishing that bored, don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself feeling. Been spending a bit too much time in front of the computer since we got home though. I figure it's forgiveable because I did work my ass off for the last few days. Probably not so forgiveable that I did go and spend $84 at Old Navy today. Meh, what's a girl to do? I Only have one pair of shorts that fits me now, so I needed more... and those tank tops and that dress were so cute. =D God, I sound like one of those shallow teeny-bopper bloggers. Really, do I give a shit anymore? Nope... The blog is more or less a coping mechanism. So when I don't need to cope, I don't need to blog.

I went to Alex's graduation yesterday. I didn't let on, but I felt sad the whole time. It really scares me to see people I know graduating before me. I'm happy for their accomplishments, of course, but I don't like parting ways at life crossroads. I like being in pace with the people I care about. I'm not too worried about losing him though. Even if we end up not speaking for years due to some unforseen distance, I'm sure we'll be like Sian and I when we get back together and reconnect instantly.

Anyhoo, I start work full-time tomorrow. Yahoo! Got the first of my loan installments deposited into checking so I can go make a downpayment on my faboolous Ti-book. Did I mention? New deal: Fully loaded (RAM, HD, Airport, Superdrive) for $1650. That plus $332 warranty and $169 iPod is total of something like $2150. MMM. Good nuff for me!

I'm irritated with the Waseda people. They've been recommending I take the AIEJ Japanese scholarship. But just now they tell me that there's been difficulty in the past converting it into student account payments. Hello? I need a scholarship for tuition, not a living expense stipend. I know that all along this scholarship has sounded like a living expense stipend but I'd just assumed I could translate it into account payments. What's also irksome is that the AIEJ is the "exclusive" scholarship. Erm... I don't know about you but I don't really consider a stipend a scholarship unless it can be applied to tuition. I'm grateful for their attempted contribution but it seems ludicrious to offer a living stipend that forbids the use of ANY other applicable scholarships when yours doesn't cover tuition. Dumbasses. And dumbasses to the Freeman people, too, because I sent them a packet with all their requested information over two weeks ago so that it would get there prior to the June 1st deadline and they just now sent me an email noting that they haven't recieved it so my status is now "pending." Thank's for letting me know. ARGH. At least I have photocopies of all the paperwork they need. I wonder if they'd let me fax it to them.

Aight, I'm out. <3

P.S. Can you tell that I've been wasting my time all day reading "ana" and "hot or not" LJ forums to indulge some car-crash fascination? My vocabulary... it's fading.... eh, I'll be fine.

Holy shit!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
She's here, she's HERE!!!
And it's right by my house!!!!!! Like across the street!!! Like, within, I-could-walk-5-minutes-and-be-there-3-hours-early-to-have-front-row-seats distance!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!HHHH!!!!
Too bad the tickets are so freaking expensive.

The end is near
Thank God, it's almost over.

Friday I took my last class in the US for a year. Today I had my Photojournalism portfolio review-- totally the best in the class. (And where the hell did Sho go? I havbe' seen him at class for weeks!) Later tonight is my Japanese final and tomorrow is my History final. Then I'll breathe a great sigh of relief and spend my evenings wondering what to do with myself. After Spring term is over, there's always a period of readjustment for me where I spend a few weeks sort of floating awkwardly in the space where I have nothing to do but I feel like I should be doing something. Actually, I have plenty to do. I'll be working full time on projects here in the Math department and I can spend at least a FEW evenings getting my sendmeabroad.com site fully up and running. I also have to revamp the pictures part of this site because I changed the location of the files I want to use. So la de dah.

It'll be at least another week before my loans come through and I'll be able to put in the order for my Powerbook. Blar.

I just want school to be over, that's all. I'm exhausted and tense and I'm tired of feeling so defensive. My shrink was probably almost entirely useless, except for the bit of advice she gave me about giving myself permission to feel and breathe. Now if only I could remember that in practice. I had a strange and old feeling today while I was running. It was a feeling of absolute abandon, optimisim and oneness with the world. A feeling that I associate with the "innocence" and idealism of my pre-Bellevue high school days. Before I had my first bout of major depression. Before the shit hit the fan with my family and I found myself friendless and alone. In particular, I remember this feeling (perhaps because I associate it with the song that was playing at the time and that song was ALSO playing on my CD at the gym) as one from the days when Lesley, Maggie and I would drive to Ann Arbor in the evenings in Lesley's purple Escort. We'd roll the windows down and let the humid, cool air blow through our hair and we'd turn up the radio to blast whatever pop song was playing and just sing. I was so open, so in love with my future. I had a lot of work to do on my self image (this is back when I couldn't stand looking at a photo of myself) and a lot of confidence to build... but I was expecting it all to come to me.

God, sometimes I ask myself: when did I become so bitter and afraid? I'm NOT old, I'm NOT depressed, I'm NOT insanely self-involved. I have it all. But I withdraw from it, closing myself to the people around me. I can't spend a weekend on my own without the company of my boyfriend or surrogate boyfriend without feeling unbearably lonely and purposeless. I guess humans are a social animal, but this is ridiculous. I feel lonely unless I'm either a) really busy or b) someone's paying attention to me. Anything to keep me from paying attention to the absence of ... what is it? What's missing?

Why are you so petrified of silence?...

Today I realized that it's not normal or healthy for me to consider it OK that I feel entirely alone in a crowd. I went to two parties this weekend and felt completely overwhelmed. I know, alcohol is a depressant, and it certainly didn't help with my mood or with my energy level like it sometimes does. But it's retarded for me to not be able to enjoy myself. I'm holding myself back because I'm unable to open myself to other people. I can engage in stimulating conversations and I have no problem being extroverted; in fact, it makes me feel better to single out a group and talk to them. But it's all a charade. Something to keep me from connecting even more. The irony is, that's what I want more than anything: a deep connection. It's what I want and what I fear. But I'm taking for granted and pushing away my friends because I'm unable to open myself. I'm surrounded by people who maybe are reaching out and I keep drawing away.

What am I afraid of?? I only have to fear what I've created for myself... and I can undo that just as easily as I've done it up.

I can't spend the next year abroad hiding myself deep inside, filling my evenings with conversations that only frustrate me because they make me want to REALLY show myself. I've got to come out. I've got to be willing to connect. I've got to be unafraid to love and unafraid to share myself. These things should NOT inspire in me guilt and remorse as they do. I should NOT be limited to one, two, or even a handful of individuals with whom I can be unafraid. If I can't open up and trust that my feelings are real and that other people are equally vulnerable, then I'll be miserable the whole time.

Yes, this may result in me forming intimate relationships with friends overseas that I will regret to sever at the end of the year, but that's life. Yes, ultimately, I'd like the freedom to date overseas, so should the desire arise, I won't spend my time wracked with guilt over it. Yes, I want to have faith that when I come home my friends will still be my friends. I can't rely on any of these things... nor should I. I should just let them be. Stop nagging at them. Love them, open up to them.

I'm an extrovert who is terrified of people. How ironic is that?

But I'm gonna fix it. I'm tired of being alone when I'm surrounded by friends and I'm tired of being alone when I'm with myself. I need to find a way to remedy these things and I think I've got a good start. Any suggestions?

Buzz
Do I hear what I think I hear? A CICADA! And today is NINETY-FOUR degrees. Last week it was only SEVENTY. mMMMMMMmm.

Jellicle Cats
I have to say that two Broadway shows in a week is definitely a record for me. With Les Mis last Friday and Cats today, I don't think I can beat this record!

I have to say, Cats is the coolest thing ever. Wow. I wish I'd grown up able to do cool things like that so then *I* could have been a cat. And when people asked me what I did, I could say, "I'm a cat. Professionally." Man, I bet almost every furry in town was there, just lovin' it. I don't get why people bother with those ridiculous fur suits when they could look so FREAKIN' COOL like the Cats. I want to go dance and play and leap, too! With a tail! YAY!

surprise!
Ok, for weeks, Justin's been babbling about some "surprise" he got me and not saying what it is (duh) or when I'll get it. After countless jokes from me about iPods, even though I know it's NOT, he finally dropped hints yesterday that the mysterious surprise has "arrived." So now I come home to find him in khakis and a sweater ready to cart me off somewhere despite that he said he could give me the surprise this morning if I wanted it. I've no clue where where going or what's waiting there. So, um, if I don't come back... it's bigger than a breadbox!!

follow the bouncing balls
It must be summer. I was sitting on the steps of the Math department with Erica, the math receptionist, when we started to hear people whooping and yelling down the street. At first, I thought it was a group of frat boys and sorostitutes who had met up with friends and were being freaking obnoxious. Then I noticed that, peculiarly, the whooping was moving DOWN the street, toward us. That's when three naked men, to much laughter, hooting and applause, ran past us down 13th and over to the EMU. AWESOME! Those guys totally get bonus points. It's too bad, though, they would have scored higher had them been running toward me. Then again, maybe bouncing... stuff... is more of an eyeful than I want.

Still, it made me remember "The Nude Mile," an Ann Arbor tradition. When I was growing up, it was a summertime event for hundreds of men and women to get together, strip naked, and run a mile around the University of Michigan quad. I didn't tell anyone, but I always wanted to do that. I respect (most) streakers if just for their fabulous ability to inject the real with a dose of the surreal. I dunno, Irk, do they still do that?

show some leg
The weather forecast says it's supposed to be 90 today. And so, in the spirit of celebration, I officially announce I AM NOW WEARING SHORTS. YAAAY!

Yesterday my allergies were so bad that I went to Albertsons and bought a NINETY pack of sudafed to go atop my alegra and night-time choraphena-whatsit-stuff. NINETY. Because when all this grass-pollen bullshit is over (yes, THANK YOU, Linn County), I will have used NINETY Sudafed or maybe have JUST ENOUGH left over for a a few colds this winter. Jeez. Why, oh why can't I convince my body that it is JUST trying to fight a losing battle with grass seed??? I am not the one. I don't have the power to change the matrix.

And wow, for the first time in forever I'm bored. And impatient. I want the term to be over. I want my ti-book and iPod. I'm tired of studying and there's not really any point to it anyway. I already know my stuff. I got a 15/15 on today's Japanese Oral assessment. Yesterday's Reading Assessment was cake. So I assume tomorrow's Writing Assessment will be too. And I was worried. Pffffeh. After all this preparation, I won't even have to study for the final!

Anyway, I'm off to talk to my therapist. About what? I don't know. But since it's our last session until maybe some time summer term, I'd better think of something. Mata ne!

technolust
Mmmmmm.... $2550 in loans..... hurry up and write me a check already.... I want my appley goodness....

hot wheels
Ten reasons I don't hurry to school, even when I'm late to class:

10. It's early, you'd be lazy too.
9. Rupert snuggles.
8. Morning is the nicest time of day.
7. I always read the comics with my cereal. Always.
6. So I can catch the 9AM train.
5. The funny man in the dog park playing a flute.
4. Duckies!
3. Giving Justin his good-morning kiss in case I never see him again.
2. The smell of earth and trees.
1. Looking for herons while crossing the bridge.

god is dead

PRICELESS
Bundle with 12" ti-book (no superdrive) with 3-year warranty, wireless and epson printer: $1,799

SCRATCH THAT...

Apple overnight discount on 12" ti-books: $200

Discount on ANY iPod with purchase of Apple portables: $200

Discount on $99 Canon printer with Purchase of Apple portables: $100

THAT MEANS, FOR ME...

One 12" ti-book WITH Superdrive ($1699), 640 RAM ($143) Airport Extreme ($94) and warranty ($332): $2268

15GB iPod: $169

Canon color printer: FREE

Being able to get a student loan for the whole damn thing: AWESOME

The feeling that nothing in the world can ruin my happiness right now except finding out this offer is null and void and ohmigod anyway I'm running around in circles and jumping up and down because I get a ti-book for like billions less than I thought neener neener neener and apple must love me and fuck that, I get an iPod for one-hundred-fucking-sixty-nine dollars and a free printer for my boyfriend who I love so much and ahaha aha ha hahahaha I'm seriously wigging out oh sweet jesus it's...... PRICELESS

Noises in the Night
Last night, around four in the morning, I woke to gunshots. Or rather, I woke to a loud banging that sounded something like gunfire. From the frequency and distance, it could have been firecrackers. It was, I'm sure, what Shirley heard and called the police about a month ago. It was very close, probably in the small arboretum or courtyard, but it certainly wasn't ten feet away. The first time the noise woke me, I was startled enough to roll over and blearily wonder what the hell it was before I fell back asleep. I was too tired and it wasn't loud enough to merit me thinking logically or waking up Justin. The second time I woke up, which could have been anywhere from two to twenty minutes later, I came to my senses a little more. What was that exploding noise? And what the hell time was it anyway? I looked at the clock and woke up a little more. It certainly sounded like a noise that comes from a gun. And BANG- BANG- BANG, it came at a pretty regular frequency... but sounded kind of SMALL to be a gun. I don't know if I'd reognize real gunfire if I heard it. But anyway, I was curious, so I listened for a second before shaking Justin. There must have been six or so "shots" before I shook him, then another two or so before it stopped. Not enough for him to wake up and care. Beneath us, I could hear Shirley talking, probably frantically contacting the police again. I went back to sleep. At least she knows now it wasn't us.

Advice Bunny
Got a question? Ask the Advice Bunny! And while you're there, don't forget to ask the Advice Duck too!

me, queen of the whole damned universe
I'm BAAAACK!

I tidied up the house, cleaned my fish, watered the plants, and put my photos up on the wall. I've got some homework to do but other than that not much. So why am I still inside when it's such a lovely, lovely day? Urf, who knows. Maybe I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

Yesterday was lovely outside too, but also one of the worst days emotionally I've had in a long time. After a really rough morning, I spent the rest of the day feeling small, hateful and like a terrible person. I'm not sure why I couldn't keep it together. I think the conversations early in the day picked the scabs off of old soul-wounds and left me oozing gross emotional stuff all over the place for the next few hours. Despite the progress I've made with my "self," there are STILL some lines that I just don't like crossing and some things that are always going to be touchy subjects.

But, even if yesterday's conversations accomplished nothing more than making me feel smaller and more irate, Justin wisely reminded me that I am not the center of the whole goddamn universe and that while I may be a part of bad things that happen, I am not the ultimate cause of all the negativity in other people's lives. I've been accumulating the hurt and anger meant for other people by trying to play doctor to everything. I have to remind myself that if I make a choice it's MY decision whether it was for better or for worse, everyone else makes their own call on how to deal with it. And I'd forgotten until just now but that's also one of the Four Agreements: "ou are not responsible for other people's reactions, they are.

Maybe it's time for me to reread that book. Now that I'm done playing with guilt (truly the most useless emotion known to humankind), I need to work on understanding that I really am an "innocent." Sometimes I have the most difficulty convincing myself that I am NOT manupulative, evil, conniving and a failure and that other people might come to misfortune of their own damn accord with or without me. I'm making myself too important when I think that everything's my fault. That's not to say I don't enjoy being important: I am a diva, a drama queen, a matriarch, an oracle, a leader, but I much prefer being affirmed than feeling like I'm cursed.

I'm not cursed. I'm blessed. But it's times like yesterday when I can go from counting my blessings to considering them tragedies in a twelve hour period that remind me how volatile and constantly changing this world can be. I'd better enjoy it while it lasts.

Speaking of affirmation, I talked to my family yesterday. I put it off until after I'd gone to the market to buy flowers and gone to the mall to buy shoes. I figured the conversation would leave me feeling so crappy that it was better to let it wait until the end of the day rather than risk compounding the emotional duress of the morning. I had to ask my mom and dad about which of the two $7,000 scholarships I should take and whether or not I could get their approval to take out a technology loan through the UO in their name to get a laptop. Surprisingly, they OKed the laptop, told me they didn't care which scholarship I took, AND said they'd buy my plane ticket to Japan if I needed it. Um, cool? To top it all off, my dad said, just before I got off the phone, "congratulations on all your accomplishments." I was taken aback at first. Was he being sarcastic? Did I do something wrong? What did he mean? Finally, I realized that he meant just that. "Wow," I told him "Thanks, that means a lot. I don't hear that very often. It's always, 'Oh, good, you're done now.'" He laughed. My family? Proud of me!??! Boy, my therapist will love to hear this story.

She [Dr. Joy] and I talked a lot last week about the interconnectedness of the issues I have in my life. Of course, as is apparent, most of them stem from my family. (...How cliche...) I actually started out last time talking about my issues with eating, exercise, body image and self-esteem but ended up back to my desire for affirmation and success. Full-circle, I suppose. But we got somewhere. But only I stopped and actually TOLD her that I wasn't really accomplishing anything by just ranting to her. Sure, it made me feel better and sure, I made some small new discoveries and connections.

"BUT," I said, "I'm an introspective, analytical person. I've been down this road a million times. I rant the same way with my friends. I KNOW ALL THIS. I see that I have problems and I see where they come from. The difficulty I have is that I don't know what to do about them."

She says to me, "so what do you want me to do?"

Hmm... How about your job? I don't want her to TELL ME WHAT TO DO, per se, but it would be nice if she were assertive enough to help me forge new and explore new solutions. I've got the most passive-aggressive shrink ever, I swear. She's sweet but she seems insecure. I don't want an insecure shrink! I'm insecure enough already! Anyway, what surprised me is that we did come up with something: a problem and a solution. The big problem is this: I'm scared of withering and dying while still alive like my parents. I'm scared of feeling like nothing and being nothing. I'm scared of living for duty and obligation and nothing else. A dry run. I'm scared of being both too selfish and too selfless. The problem (yes it is all ONE problem, I just don't know how to say it that simply) manifests itself when I try to do things (take classes, get a job, travel etc) because they interest me, I feel good about them, and I feel like they'll enrich men and then these things BECOME duties or obligations through problems that I encounter in them (a bad boss, long hours, too much homework, grading, shitty curriculum) and I end up, over and over again, hating the things I tried to do because I LIKED them. These things become soul-sucking voids that threaten to turn me right into my mother (Sorry, mom). Despite this, I still force myself to give 300% of my time and energy to them; I force myself to try to care; I force myself to be strong and succeed. And I end up becoming dried up and embittered. Fleh. I lock myself into the "keep going till you die" mindset. The problem is that failure is never an option. Perfection is the only course. So what's the solution? Simple, really. I need to give myself permission to not care. I need to lighten up and tell myself it's OK if I don't go to the gym every day and that it's OK if I don't spend 5+ hours on a paper for Retarded Class #57. I won't be a worse person for it. I won't. I need to give myself permission to enjoy myself, to see things as something other than a chore, to have fun, to just be.

OK, that's my bit emotional rant. I'm almost done playing catch-up for the last week. What else is new? Well, in the "novelty" department, many things:


- The Tech Loan thing means that in a week and a half I'll have my own suped-up 12-inch Titanium Powerbook to take with me (in all it's super-light, ultra-portable glory) to Japan! Oh, I'm getting excited preparing now... it's starting to seem less oppressive and more adventurous, even with work on my senior thesis in mind. Probably also because I feel better about my summer finances now than I did before. If only I could be sure I'll have a full-time job. If I don't, or if I can't find one... I'll be REALLY REALLY SCREWED. Ugh. I don't even want to think about that. I just wish Spencer hadn't waited so damn long on his announcement that he could only offer me part-time this summer. If he had just said that right off the bat, I'm sure I could have gotten one of several tech-jobs on campus. But as is, they've all been filled.

Anyway, I'm getting the freaking Ti-book with wireless, maxed out RAM and maybe the extended warranty. What do you think... is the exteneded warranty worth the cost? What about the superdrive? Is that just pushing it?

- On Friday night Alex and I went to Portland to see the last Broadway run of Les Miserables at the Keller Auditorium. What can I say about that? There's definitely a reason it's the most popular musical of all time. It was fucking awesome. Loved it. Afterwards we sloshed around in the huge fountain outside and tried to get over to Moonstruck Chocolatiers in the NW district but it was closed. Alas.

- Monday (memorial day) J and I had a BBQ with friends from Micro. Had TONS of marinated flank steak, fruit salad, chips (w/ and w/o homemade salsa), pasta salad and drinks. Everyone had a grand time and stayed till after dark. But we forgot to use the sparklers!

- I've been contemplating getting a second, more "personal" piercing done at Primal. The first was my belly-button a year ago. I've wanted to get my nipples done for some time but have hesitated due to logistics and timing... and mostly because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted them pierced. I'm sure now but I think they'll have to wait for three reasons. First, this summer I'll be spending a lot of time camping on the weekends with the knights, not showering and all that. Bad for the healing time. Second, I wouldn't want to chance something bad to happen while I was in Japan, in case of infection. Third... I'm just too damn poor. Really, I kid you not. I should have done them when it was cheap on Memorial day, but it was late and I chickened out after the heated discussion it inspired at our BBQ. I'd just get them done with 14 1/2 ga. rings for $55 but I've decided that to facilitate healing and prevent tearing (especially at that small a gauge) I'll have to get them done with barbells, which cost more, and then switch to rings later. Unfortunately, that's $85 I don't have for frivolity right now. But hell, I'm not above selling out... if you'd like to see me pierced and want, I dunno, partial ownership and naming rights on either nipple, feel free to donate via paypal. "Perky" and "Mary Jane" are silly names anyhow. ; ) [Oh, how I see my hits going up from this post]

- Last, and certainly least, I'm excited to say that I got new sneakers yesterday at Lady Foot Locker. Not one, but TWO pairs. I've never owned 2 pr sneakers at once in my life. I'm used to getting one, wearing them till they DIE and then buying another one. Because I'm going abroad next year and sneakers are HELLA expensive in Japan, I figured I'd take advantage of the LFL "buy one get one 50% off" sale and get two. Got two for that deal plus another $10 off thanks to the super sales guy. Came home with some blue-ish trail runners and the new Challenger running shoes. Tried out the trail runners last night on Justin's 2.3 mile loop run. I felt out of shape (OK, that's what I MEANT by "fat") and slow but the shoes worked great! New things make me excited!!! =D (Sometimes it's great to be trite)