me, queen of the whole damned universe
I'm BAAAACK!

I tidied up the house, cleaned my fish, watered the plants, and put my photos up on the wall. I've got some homework to do but other than that not much. So why am I still inside when it's such a lovely, lovely day? Urf, who knows. Maybe I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

Yesterday was lovely outside too, but also one of the worst days emotionally I've had in a long time. After a really rough morning, I spent the rest of the day feeling small, hateful and like a terrible person. I'm not sure why I couldn't keep it together. I think the conversations early in the day picked the scabs off of old soul-wounds and left me oozing gross emotional stuff all over the place for the next few hours. Despite the progress I've made with my "self," there are STILL some lines that I just don't like crossing and some things that are always going to be touchy subjects.

But, even if yesterday's conversations accomplished nothing more than making me feel smaller and more irate, Justin wisely reminded me that I am not the center of the whole goddamn universe and that while I may be a part of bad things that happen, I am not the ultimate cause of all the negativity in other people's lives. I've been accumulating the hurt and anger meant for other people by trying to play doctor to everything. I have to remind myself that if I make a choice it's MY decision whether it was for better or for worse, everyone else makes their own call on how to deal with it. And I'd forgotten until just now but that's also one of the Four Agreements: "ou are not responsible for other people's reactions, they are.

Maybe it's time for me to reread that book. Now that I'm done playing with guilt (truly the most useless emotion known to humankind), I need to work on understanding that I really am an "innocent." Sometimes I have the most difficulty convincing myself that I am NOT manupulative, evil, conniving and a failure and that other people might come to misfortune of their own damn accord with or without me. I'm making myself too important when I think that everything's my fault. That's not to say I don't enjoy being important: I am a diva, a drama queen, a matriarch, an oracle, a leader, but I much prefer being affirmed than feeling like I'm cursed.

I'm not cursed. I'm blessed. But it's times like yesterday when I can go from counting my blessings to considering them tragedies in a twelve hour period that remind me how volatile and constantly changing this world can be. I'd better enjoy it while it lasts.

Speaking of affirmation, I talked to my family yesterday. I put it off until after I'd gone to the market to buy flowers and gone to the mall to buy shoes. I figured the conversation would leave me feeling so crappy that it was better to let it wait until the end of the day rather than risk compounding the emotional duress of the morning. I had to ask my mom and dad about which of the two $7,000 scholarships I should take and whether or not I could get their approval to take out a technology loan through the UO in their name to get a laptop. Surprisingly, they OKed the laptop, told me they didn't care which scholarship I took, AND said they'd buy my plane ticket to Japan if I needed it. Um, cool? To top it all off, my dad said, just before I got off the phone, "congratulations on all your accomplishments." I was taken aback at first. Was he being sarcastic? Did I do something wrong? What did he mean? Finally, I realized that he meant just that. "Wow," I told him "Thanks, that means a lot. I don't hear that very often. It's always, 'Oh, good, you're done now.'" He laughed. My family? Proud of me!??! Boy, my therapist will love to hear this story.

She [Dr. Joy] and I talked a lot last week about the interconnectedness of the issues I have in my life. Of course, as is apparent, most of them stem from my family. (...How cliche...) I actually started out last time talking about my issues with eating, exercise, body image and self-esteem but ended up back to my desire for affirmation and success. Full-circle, I suppose. But we got somewhere. But only I stopped and actually TOLD her that I wasn't really accomplishing anything by just ranting to her. Sure, it made me feel better and sure, I made some small new discoveries and connections.

"BUT," I said, "I'm an introspective, analytical person. I've been down this road a million times. I rant the same way with my friends. I KNOW ALL THIS. I see that I have problems and I see where they come from. The difficulty I have is that I don't know what to do about them."

She says to me, "so what do you want me to do?"

Hmm... How about your job? I don't want her to TELL ME WHAT TO DO, per se, but it would be nice if she were assertive enough to help me forge new and explore new solutions. I've got the most passive-aggressive shrink ever, I swear. She's sweet but she seems insecure. I don't want an insecure shrink! I'm insecure enough already! Anyway, what surprised me is that we did come up with something: a problem and a solution. The big problem is this: I'm scared of withering and dying while still alive like my parents. I'm scared of feeling like nothing and being nothing. I'm scared of living for duty and obligation and nothing else. A dry run. I'm scared of being both too selfish and too selfless. The problem (yes it is all ONE problem, I just don't know how to say it that simply) manifests itself when I try to do things (take classes, get a job, travel etc) because they interest me, I feel good about them, and I feel like they'll enrich men and then these things BECOME duties or obligations through problems that I encounter in them (a bad boss, long hours, too much homework, grading, shitty curriculum) and I end up, over and over again, hating the things I tried to do because I LIKED them. These things become soul-sucking voids that threaten to turn me right into my mother (Sorry, mom). Despite this, I still force myself to give 300% of my time and energy to them; I force myself to try to care; I force myself to be strong and succeed. And I end up becoming dried up and embittered. Fleh. I lock myself into the "keep going till you die" mindset. The problem is that failure is never an option. Perfection is the only course. So what's the solution? Simple, really. I need to give myself permission to not care. I need to lighten up and tell myself it's OK if I don't go to the gym every day and that it's OK if I don't spend 5+ hours on a paper for Retarded Class #57. I won't be a worse person for it. I won't. I need to give myself permission to enjoy myself, to see things as something other than a chore, to have fun, to just be.

OK, that's my bit emotional rant. I'm almost done playing catch-up for the last week. What else is new? Well, in the "novelty" department, many things:


- The Tech Loan thing means that in a week and a half I'll have my own suped-up 12-inch Titanium Powerbook to take with me (in all it's super-light, ultra-portable glory) to Japan! Oh, I'm getting excited preparing now... it's starting to seem less oppressive and more adventurous, even with work on my senior thesis in mind. Probably also because I feel better about my summer finances now than I did before. If only I could be sure I'll have a full-time job. If I don't, or if I can't find one... I'll be REALLY REALLY SCREWED. Ugh. I don't even want to think about that. I just wish Spencer hadn't waited so damn long on his announcement that he could only offer me part-time this summer. If he had just said that right off the bat, I'm sure I could have gotten one of several tech-jobs on campus. But as is, they've all been filled.

Anyway, I'm getting the freaking Ti-book with wireless, maxed out RAM and maybe the extended warranty. What do you think... is the exteneded warranty worth the cost? What about the superdrive? Is that just pushing it?

- On Friday night Alex and I went to Portland to see the last Broadway run of Les Miserables at the Keller Auditorium. What can I say about that? There's definitely a reason it's the most popular musical of all time. It was fucking awesome. Loved it. Afterwards we sloshed around in the huge fountain outside and tried to get over to Moonstruck Chocolatiers in the NW district but it was closed. Alas.

- Monday (memorial day) J and I had a BBQ with friends from Micro. Had TONS of marinated flank steak, fruit salad, chips (w/ and w/o homemade salsa), pasta salad and drinks. Everyone had a grand time and stayed till after dark. But we forgot to use the sparklers!

- I've been contemplating getting a second, more "personal" piercing done at Primal. The first was my belly-button a year ago. I've wanted to get my nipples done for some time but have hesitated due to logistics and timing... and mostly because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted them pierced. I'm sure now but I think they'll have to wait for three reasons. First, this summer I'll be spending a lot of time camping on the weekends with the knights, not showering and all that. Bad for the healing time. Second, I wouldn't want to chance something bad to happen while I was in Japan, in case of infection. Third... I'm just too damn poor. Really, I kid you not. I should have done them when it was cheap on Memorial day, but it was late and I chickened out after the heated discussion it inspired at our BBQ. I'd just get them done with 14 1/2 ga. rings for $55 but I've decided that to facilitate healing and prevent tearing (especially at that small a gauge) I'll have to get them done with barbells, which cost more, and then switch to rings later. Unfortunately, that's $85 I don't have for frivolity right now. But hell, I'm not above selling out... if you'd like to see me pierced and want, I dunno, partial ownership and naming rights on either nipple, feel free to donate via paypal. "Perky" and "Mary Jane" are silly names anyhow. ; ) [Oh, how I see my hits going up from this post]

- Last, and certainly least, I'm excited to say that I got new sneakers yesterday at Lady Foot Locker. Not one, but TWO pairs. I've never owned 2 pr sneakers at once in my life. I'm used to getting one, wearing them till they DIE and then buying another one. Because I'm going abroad next year and sneakers are HELLA expensive in Japan, I figured I'd take advantage of the LFL "buy one get one 50% off" sale and get two. Got two for that deal plus another $10 off thanks to the super sales guy. Came home with some blue-ish trail runners and the new Challenger running shoes. Tried out the trail runners last night on Justin's 2.3 mile loop run. I felt out of shape (OK, that's what I MEANT by "fat") and slow but the shoes worked great! New things make me excited!!! =D (Sometimes it's great to be trite)