Sure? Unsure!
I sometimes wonder if I consciously perpetuate my own vicious cycles. The more I tell people about my trip to Japan this fall, the more they say "oh, you'll LOVE it!" and the more I feel both braggy and terrified. I hope I'm not talking myself into a miserable time there by parrying with my own fear. But like the man says, "You have nothing to fear but fear itself." Er, well, I guess that wasn't the man, it was FDR. Then there's my favourite Bene Geserit Litany (this from someone who thinks Dune was a boring read):
I'll be fine. I just don't know what the hell to think about what I'm doing. There are so many roads diverging and converging now... so many possible outcomes. My mind wants to cling to one thing, one hope, one great expectation and finds that it's lost in all this swirling chaos. So, for the most part, I'm left with in a sort of limbo with the feeling of surreality. Me? I'm not really going to Japan. That's just something I like to say. I wonder why I find so much comfort in the purchase of this new laptop and iPod. Maybe technology and music have become my major lifelines. Sure wish I was depending more on the prospect of the interpersonal relationships I have yet to forge.. but you know me, I'm scared of people. I keep telling myself I'm not, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I am.
Speaking of people, I'd like to give a shout out to Richard, who just wrote me probably the nicest and most well-composed "glad to have stumbled across your blog" letters I've ever recieved. I find it funny that I usually get one or two of these messages most frequently when I'm in a weeklong slump and not writing much. It's nice to know that while everyone else who was interested is wandering off, new people are wandering in. More motivation to keep up the journey into self, I suppose. Anyhow, I thank you, friend.: ): ) And I will write you back-- just not tonight. It's time to sleep for me. I've got a long day at work tomorrow upgrading Macs from the early 90s. Huttah. And no iPod to keep me company... YET.
Must say, I've not been thrilled with the (surprise) gross incompetence of the Financial Aid office. Called them this morning to find out that for the last weeks they've been having "difficulty" issuing promissory notes which means my parents haven't gotten one to sign so that the UO can issue me the funds from my parent loan extension. Difficulties?!? What's so hard about making a half-page printout, shoving it into an envelope, addressing it and posting it??? I suppose when you've got several hundred but STILL. Jeex people, you get PAID to do this crap. They say it went out today or tomorrow so I'll have to bite my nails for another week or two and pray they don't screw it up. Ah, technolust, how I love you.
OH. And I'm wearing a DRESS tomorrow. Exciting, ne? It's the first time I'll have done it casually in a while.I'm test-driving a new thing (the blue one) I got from Old Navy. We shall see if this tomboy can be made effeminate yet. Panties? Who needs 'em. Oops, I meant pants. PANTS. Yeah.
NOTE: new pictures page is up under the "Pictures" listing on the left sidebar. Check it out. My little corner for narcissism. ; ) It's better that you know what I look like and don't imagine me as something completely different!
NOTE 2: Jeee-sus Chee-rist. I passed 25,000 hits and I didn't even notice. Tells you how much attention I've given this thing lately. Don't worry, my chicks, when things start to swirl back up again, my head will start to spin and I'll need my precious words to sort it out. And I'm sure having a laptop will help. ; )
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