The end is near
Thank God, it's almost over.

Friday I took my last class in the US for a year. Today I had my Photojournalism portfolio review-- totally the best in the class. (And where the hell did Sho go? I havbe' seen him at class for weeks!) Later tonight is my Japanese final and tomorrow is my History final. Then I'll breathe a great sigh of relief and spend my evenings wondering what to do with myself. After Spring term is over, there's always a period of readjustment for me where I spend a few weeks sort of floating awkwardly in the space where I have nothing to do but I feel like I should be doing something. Actually, I have plenty to do. I'll be working full time on projects here in the Math department and I can spend at least a FEW evenings getting my sendmeabroad.com site fully up and running. I also have to revamp the pictures part of this site because I changed the location of the files I want to use. So la de dah.

It'll be at least another week before my loans come through and I'll be able to put in the order for my Powerbook. Blar.

I just want school to be over, that's all. I'm exhausted and tense and I'm tired of feeling so defensive. My shrink was probably almost entirely useless, except for the bit of advice she gave me about giving myself permission to feel and breathe. Now if only I could remember that in practice. I had a strange and old feeling today while I was running. It was a feeling of absolute abandon, optimisim and oneness with the world. A feeling that I associate with the "innocence" and idealism of my pre-Bellevue high school days. Before I had my first bout of major depression. Before the shit hit the fan with my family and I found myself friendless and alone. In particular, I remember this feeling (perhaps because I associate it with the song that was playing at the time and that song was ALSO playing on my CD at the gym) as one from the days when Lesley, Maggie and I would drive to Ann Arbor in the evenings in Lesley's purple Escort. We'd roll the windows down and let the humid, cool air blow through our hair and we'd turn up the radio to blast whatever pop song was playing and just sing. I was so open, so in love with my future. I had a lot of work to do on my self image (this is back when I couldn't stand looking at a photo of myself) and a lot of confidence to build... but I was expecting it all to come to me.

God, sometimes I ask myself: when did I become so bitter and afraid? I'm NOT old, I'm NOT depressed, I'm NOT insanely self-involved. I have it all. But I withdraw from it, closing myself to the people around me. I can't spend a weekend on my own without the company of my boyfriend or surrogate boyfriend without feeling unbearably lonely and purposeless. I guess humans are a social animal, but this is ridiculous. I feel lonely unless I'm either a) really busy or b) someone's paying attention to me. Anything to keep me from paying attention to the absence of ... what is it? What's missing?

Why are you so petrified of silence?...

Today I realized that it's not normal or healthy for me to consider it OK that I feel entirely alone in a crowd. I went to two parties this weekend and felt completely overwhelmed. I know, alcohol is a depressant, and it certainly didn't help with my mood or with my energy level like it sometimes does. But it's retarded for me to not be able to enjoy myself. I'm holding myself back because I'm unable to open myself to other people. I can engage in stimulating conversations and I have no problem being extroverted; in fact, it makes me feel better to single out a group and talk to them. But it's all a charade. Something to keep me from connecting even more. The irony is, that's what I want more than anything: a deep connection. It's what I want and what I fear. But I'm taking for granted and pushing away my friends because I'm unable to open myself. I'm surrounded by people who maybe are reaching out and I keep drawing away.

What am I afraid of?? I only have to fear what I've created for myself... and I can undo that just as easily as I've done it up.

I can't spend the next year abroad hiding myself deep inside, filling my evenings with conversations that only frustrate me because they make me want to REALLY show myself. I've got to come out. I've got to be willing to connect. I've got to be unafraid to love and unafraid to share myself. These things should NOT inspire in me guilt and remorse as they do. I should NOT be limited to one, two, or even a handful of individuals with whom I can be unafraid. If I can't open up and trust that my feelings are real and that other people are equally vulnerable, then I'll be miserable the whole time.

Yes, this may result in me forming intimate relationships with friends overseas that I will regret to sever at the end of the year, but that's life. Yes, ultimately, I'd like the freedom to date overseas, so should the desire arise, I won't spend my time wracked with guilt over it. Yes, I want to have faith that when I come home my friends will still be my friends. I can't rely on any of these things... nor should I. I should just let them be. Stop nagging at them. Love them, open up to them.

I'm an extrovert who is terrified of people. How ironic is that?

But I'm gonna fix it. I'm tired of being alone when I'm surrounded by friends and I'm tired of being alone when I'm with myself. I need to find a way to remedy these things and I think I've got a good start. Any suggestions?