moose
So I come into work all early-like, planning to just nail that damn iMac lab that I'm upgrading/imaging. What do I find out? That there's a friggin seminar in there from 9-11 every day. God damnit, so much for productivity. That lab's the key to getting these projects done. Oh well, I guess I'll have to tackle it in the afternoon when I'm a little more run down. This job sure isn't tough but there's nothing like sitting in front of the computer for 7 hours a day (not to mention all evening at home) to make one a little cranky. Where has my metabolism gone? It probably went the same place a my sleep and my libido. Justin says Sleep is at a conference in Massachusetts and it won't come back until I'm in bed waiting for it at 10:30. But he also says that my libido went to Idaho because it wanted a potato. What the hell would my libido want with a potato?!??! I dare not ask.

As usual, I was thrilled to finally be done with school but now that I am, I just feel sort of blah. It's cold, then it's hot, then it's cold. I come home from work too hungry to make dinner and too tired to care. I spend my weekends driving four hours one way, five hours another way, standing in the heat in silly costumes and coming home with no time to sleep before work on Monday. That would all be well and good, except that it's the same damn thing every week. No camping trips. No trips to the mountains. No time to go down to San Francisco or up to Orcas. The one obligatory trip to Glacier is my saving grace. Well, that and the fact that in two and a half months I'm leaving the country. No chance for monotony there!

I wouldn't have this problem if I had any energy. Or if I could muster up the strength to be excited instead of constantly having to deal with technical bullshit about the things to which I'm supposed to look forward. Or if I liked my costumes for this summer's show season better.

Speaking of which, this weekend is the first Seattle Knights show. If you're going to be out in the Tri-Cities area this weekend (yes, we are driving all the way out there AND back), please come see the group perform! I'll be wearing some god-awful black velvet thing that makes me look WAY too Goth for my personal tastes and will be in-fucking-credibly hot if the weather is anything like last year. Meh. Oh well, spending a weekend away from the mundane is certainly something to look forward to... if I can manage to deal with the more stressful aspects of it and the people that will NEVER be socially approachable. And maybe I'll get free stuff! I probably won't get paid, but that's OK. Justin's a sexy bitch when he gets out there and it turns me on that he gets to fight over me (for real this time!) with live steel.

You know, I think it's pretty lame that I feel this blah every summer. I think it comes with working full-time. I could always NOT work full-time but it's always been a bit of an obligation. That, and it gets the parents off my back. This summer it's a little more mandatory for travel purposes. I think what I really need is a job that energizes me rather than drains me. But with the economy as depressed as it is and the Bush administration making progress with securing the government for another four years, I don't think that will happen any time soon.

It's funny, I've been waiting for the weather to get nice for so long that now that is IS nice I just feel OBLIGATED to go outside and that makes the whole ordeal a bit of a bummer. Last week I walked along the river with Alex for a good long while and that was nice but since then I haven't been able to get up the energy to go soak up some sun. The times I have been outside I've been just giddy with all the baby animals around. When Alex and I were sitting along the Willamette, we saw a beaver (yes! not a nutria!) come up out of the river and grab some branches. Then, for the second time in two weeks, I saw a school of geese and goslings toodling around the water. The school I saw with Alex was more of a Goose daycare-- a few adults, thirteen babies and two teenagers. The rest of the adults seemed to have it in mind to go elsewhere, probably to drink Goose martinis or something. Finally, two days ago I was biking home at about 5PM and I stopped along the Millrace to watch a Nutria family have a little picnic on the lawn. One big mama and two babies were just sitting out there chowing on the grass. I know Nutria are supposedly obnoxious, non-native pests but they still have a bit of "cute" in them. In fact, they remind me precisely of the guinea pigs I used to have as a kid, except that they have ratty tails and their whiskers are more bristly and cute. Ah animals! My little Rupert's been a darling lately, too. : )

So despite that I've been spending more time away from my blog, I've still been trolling LJ forums and such. It's gotten to be a pretty bad habit and I really should stop, expecially with the forums I'm reading. I've been reading pro_ana forums for almost a year now and I really have learned a lot. Justin's perfectly right that I probably COULD get a publisher's advance if I were to write a book on the subject but I don't want to write a book despite the 'expertise' I may have developed. In fact, I don't even want to follow the forums any more. I'm stable most of the time, on the surface and intellectually, but reading these forums has embued me with an innately skewed perspective. Sort of similar to the feeling that one gets after living in Eugene long enough-- like the liberal viewpoint is the majority-- except that I've been conditioned to believe that this body dismorphic perspective is normal. Maybe it is in today's society, which, like conservatism, is a damn shame. But that doesn't mean I should subject myself to its politics. I find myself nagging subconsciously, "you'd be so much happier if you just lost 10 pounds." Erm, no. I'd be so much 10 pounds underweight if I lost ten pounds. I already have a BMI of 19. I probably wouldn't fall apart if I lost weight, but I might. And still some part of me is tempted to try a juice fast or a cleanse, just because I feel so stagnant, impure, clogged up, et cetera. Eh, I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm not in any trouble, just disillusioned by an odd perspective. I'm sure things will change for me soon.