The Power of Flight
Merry Christmas...err.... Happy non-denominational holiday....

I feel domestic, I got all sort of Kitchen loot from Santa. He must like it when I play house. Anyway, I'm glad Christmas is over, it always seems a little lame with my family. I'm leaving for Helena in a few hours. Hopefully I'll be able to relax away from the whirlwind that is my mom. She should maybe wish for Prozac next year. : ) I'll be gone until the third and then I'm heading back into Eugene. (ughhhhhh) This has been a bummer of a vacation, but I'd rather deal with it than go back at this point. I'm offline until then.

A Look Back
I got the archives to work. Took me long enough to fix their scripts to compensate for the fact that I keep them somewhere other than the home directory. Stupid blogger for letting you specify a directory and not telling you how to work it into the archive posting script. x-p

Tired
I feel like I've been running a long long way. When can I come home?


Check this blog out. Fucked up, ne?

Annotations
Ahem... so anyway, sorry about yesterday's rant. I've edited it a bit which is, in fact, cheating... but I don't care. I want to speak my mind but I'm still afraid of bludgeoning someone with it. Especially someone I hold dear. I just wish, more than anything, that I could live each day at my very best and failing that, at least speak my mind as if I only had tomorrow to live. More and more it's becoming difficult to reason holding things inside for the sake of fear. Not that I mean I'd tell someone I thought they were a fool, I don't want to hurt. But I lay awake sometimes at night and this is one of the scenarios that runs through my head, what would I do if I or someone I knew were on their deathbed? And it's not a matter of what I would have DONE differently in actions persay. If anything is a matter of the past, it's who I was that I would change, and who I am that is changing. It really baffles me that we can't live each day striving to be this way. Of the profound changes that I've found myself going through this fall, (mostly a result of 9-11, as corny as that sounds and as cynical as I am... still likely to get arrested at airports this year for cracking bad jokes) this has struck me the most.

I guess that's why I'm here, leaving my diary open in the park, as a matter of speaking. Because I realize that my actions affect other people and I'm tired of cause and effect.I want to know that my words can have as strong an effect, that I have a voice that matters. That I can be interaction as well as action.

I'm not a child any more. I read my old diaries the other night and I was amazed. Before I'd always regarded that within as trivial and pretty much nonsense but I was amazed to find patterns and pathways evolving. I can see when I started to mature, when I started to bothe believe in an questsion love, and when I (too often?) tore apart the walls around me. I'm not a child anymore. I don't break my toys and cry for new ones, I will cling to what I have and what I have been part of because it is what I am made of and because it is precious to me. I can lose it all and still carry on but I would rather not have to. I would rather have someone to laugh with when I'm older and not feel as alone as my parents seem, even though they're together.

I HAVE grown up.... but that doesn't mean that I've grown out of wonder, or out of love or amazement. I find these things altogether hard to come by sometimes, but mostly that's my own fault and I simply need to smile. Sometimes I just need to realize that being lost isn't altogether a hassle, it isn't always pain and punishment. Sometimes, in being drawn away, it is the lessons of the journey that are more important than the path of the detour itself.

Transition
Seeing the Nutcracker was, well, trippy.... I dunno what I think of ballet. Somehow I expected it to have more of a plot. I still find it enjoyable to delve into the world of the "cultured," this past year going to the ballet, the symphony, and the opera. Eugene has a pretty good symphony, the Mozart Players, in which my honors college literature professor is first violin. Anyway, I digress.... after the ballet I got to go to the Northwest Dessert Company over by Pottery Northwest on the... uh, northwest corner of the Seattle Center. That place has some memories--- whether I mean the Seattle Center itself or the dessert co., I'm not sure. Mmmm... Cheesecake, you are an unmerciful God.

My little kitty came home last night and is generally being a spaz. He makes me happy and keeps me much less lonely. The holiday season I always find somewhat of a bummer. I don't know why, but I'm usually wishing I were somewhere else, with someone else. I guess I've always hoped for a picturesque family scene but have never found it at home. I'm a bit of a scrooge... I'm not one for gifts and carols but I want to GIVE. I want to make things *right.* I want to share a **moment** with SOMEONE. And I'm usually so let down. I hate to say it (just on principal) but I think I actually LIKE Faith Hill's song, "Where are you Christmas?".

This year I'm scared. I'm actually really, really scared to just float through Christmas and New Years like usual. When 2002 starts and I have to go back to school, things are going to change. They're going to get a bit heavy and I'm not sure I'm ready to handle it. I'm going to have to deal with the "in your face" of some things I don't need to see and still accept the involuntary distance of others.

It's Justin's last quarter at Seattle University. He has 15 more credits and a schedule that doesn't permit much of a weekend... at all. So after break begins the 10 week countdown to his grand finale, when my housemate moves out and someone-- Justin?-- moves in. SCREW my panic, because I **am** ready for this.... but I question too much whether I came to it out of my own wisdom or because I am in a relationship that permits consistency. I am so TIRED of long distance relationships and honestly, I sometimes wish I'd never gotten into one to begin with. That may only be a product of recent delusions though. Regardless, I don't want to drag another one to a city that's already a perpetual vortex of bad karma for me. Even IF I live my life like I'm not in a WB drama, something still kicks me every time I breathe in. So I'll breathe out and get ready to suck it up. This term is going to be a long, friggin' beating.

Justin's left for Montana to see his family; on Christmas Day I'll follow. And So we enter another city with a vortex.... and both of us with unfinished business. Things are going to change, I know it... and for the first time this "end of summer" feeling really scares me. It's been growing for the last two months and I've been struggling with it and trying not to flee. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, just getting a little timid. But really, this is my moment to shine. So into the fray I go, with less than two weeks to scramble to the top and dive in. This time, I don't plan on taking anyone down with me.

By the way...
This break has been Movies, I think. I've watched so many... I intend to see Vanilla Sky sometime soon, too... mebby after Montana. Tomorrow I see the Nutcracker Ballet live in Seattle.

Oh, I was writing this for a reason... check out the song lyrics for "Sober." I heard this one sung by Staind on the radio on Monday. HIGHLY depressing song, buuuut but but but... quite personalized in recency.

Nap Time
Oyyy, what a day. Got up at 6:45 this morning to be first in line for LoTR [10 AM showing] at Oak Tree Cinemas in Seattle. I'm not *sure* I slept at all last night, either. Rather, I laid awake in a sort of stupor and looked at the pillow. Guess I must have been excited. *sheepish smile* Anyway, so we get to the theatre at, oh, 8 o'clock and there's NO ONE THERE. No one, at all. I mean, I expected it to be closed but there was no line. We'd bought tickets beforehand but we still had to pick them up at the box office... and the box office didn't even open till 9:15. It was fucking snow-cold out there. I guess some people showed up around the same time we did and just went to IHOP across the way. I don't know WHY they showed up so forsakenly early because they'd already GOTTEN their tickets! Luckily we had company who was just as hardcore as us within half an hour. Not too many people showed up before the movie started, there were plenty of seats and it certainly wasn't sold out.

But about the movie.... it gets my approval! Which is tough, I'll have to say : ) Of course, they changed a few things in strange ways, like Ms. Pretty Peggy Sue Liv Tyler actually plays a PART in the movie. And then there's the fact that it overlaps into the second book- but I think that saved it from the rather anti-climactic ending of Fellowship the novel where Frodo just kind of wanders off. I'm not sure if I liked how they did Galadriel either. But the Balrog was DAMN cool and the movie itself did a pretty good job!

I, however, am in serious need of a nap. And they I'm going to watch Moulin Rouge and read more Tolkien. And then work out. Annnnnd basically do nothing of any importance! I'm glad I'm through being in a snit, however long that lasts (at least until sometime the end of this week...) and dreams permitting, I may have a good few days.
Off to bed. Ciao! : )

Blood, Sweat and Tears
The last few days have been tough. Sometimes it feels like the rain is drilling into my head, I get so ired of it being so dark all the time. Today it's sunny, but there's still something weighting down my mind. If I don't stop having these dreams, I think I might go insane. Forgive me for not explaining them, as I'd have to tell a much larger story and some of my other readers might not appreciate it. In any case, I still lie awake nights. I think I'm angry with myself.

I've grown a lot since I've gone away to college. I've learned many things and become a better, wiser person. I think I'm more responsible, even, maybe, gentler. But I'm a cynic now. I don't let myself cry anymore. I can't even bleed right now, thanks to these friggin' hormones. Sometimes I feel like the only way left for me to take out what anger and what pain I allow myself to let go of is working out. I'm a bit of an endorphin junkie already but it's getting ridiculous. Maybe I should take up video games again to keep myself from becoming violent. ^^

Forgive this rant. I'm not sure anyone even wants to hear what's on my mind anymore. If you're in the mood for some randomness, however, here is another survey- one of the better I've seen recently, in fact. Enjoy.

Egg Nog
Mmmm... I feel like a stuffed turkey. Foods and cookies and warm warm egg nog makes Kat a happy girl.

Last night Justin and I checked out a Seattle hot-spot hidden in the Pike Place Market, a restaurant called the Pink Door... they have good lasagna. We walked around downtown a bit in the dark and I was again reminded how much I love the city, even if Christmas does grate my nerves. I made the mistake of driving through downtown on the main streets yesterday during rush-hour traffit with my mom. Had I been by myself, it would have been peaceful... since she was with, it was pretty stressful.

It was a cold night last night, especially so because it had been clear all day...I got a good dose of the chill standing on a fence in the parking lot of a retired persons home flashing the Alaska Way Viaduct full on. And no one even honked or drove off the edge! Bah... A little bit of mischief makes me happy, especially when it involves running from cars and scaring old ladies. Hee hee.

Driving and Dreams of the City
I am thankful that my mom has finally given up on tracking me at all hours. It makes it much easier to see the city at night, when it's most beautiful. Last night, coming back from Justin's capitol hill apartment at 1:30, I decided to take I-5 through downtown. I'd come in the same way and usually I alternate between the two ways across the lake. I'm glad I didn't take 520... I think the bridge is getting kinda washed out from all the rain and mudslides. Anyway, I was kinda still half-asleep and really "in the zone." Though the Mercedes [due to its age] makes for poor fast driving, it can corner well, and I floored it all the way home. There's something about being in and under downtown so late at night that gives it a crystal clarity... as I passed the hospitals, office buildings, and the prison, I thought of all the people still awake, living their lives. I thought of the people in the bars, searching, reveling, lonely, living it out and up. I thought of the people on the streets in the cold and wondered if they felt they'd lived life to the fullest. I felt a sense of amazement at life and a twinge of innocence like I've forgotten for a long time. The lights always stay on in the city... I guess its true that it never sleeps.

I'm beginning to love driving too much. Even being voluntarily stuck in 5PM workday traffic yesterday was a thrill. This worries me because karma buildup probably will give me an accident or speeding ticket soon. Heh heh. When I got home last night, the house was quiet... you'll know this is amazing if you've ever been to my house. I stood in the door for a while and listened for ghosts. There were none. But when I finally unfroze myself and went to bed, they were there, and they ran through my head for at least an hour regressing and grasping at conversations that have been and are yet to come. When I finally slept, I didn't have dreams of a perfet world, like I have been the past few nights... I dreamt some wild-crazy post nuclear apocolyptic saga that dragged me back awake at 9:30AM in a cold sweat.

It's sunny outside. Time to face the day.

New Test Posts
In case anyone ever looks, I've posted some new test results in the stats section. Take them and be amused. : )

I Feel Better...
So I've been home for a week. I've been re-evaluating whether or not I should have approached getting a part-time job. As hellish as it was last year working in B. Dalton's with a nazi bitch for a boss, it almost seems more appealing anymore than sitting at home and... sitting.... and thinking... and ... um, sitting... and going to the gym because I get frustrated with myself. It's becoming kind of difficult to rationalize going except that it makes me feel good. Since I've lost 25 pounds in the last year and can now bench over half my weight, I'm not interested in losing or gaining much. I've been finding it's an excellent outlet for venting agression, of which I've discovered I possess a surprising amount. Stupid Ballys doesn't have a punching bag though. Oh well, I suppose I am using them for free... beggars can't be choosers. Thank GOD for exercise! WIthout the Rec center over the last year and a half, I think I may have been COMPLETELY friendless for lack of an outlet. *laugh* I feel much better. : )

I just got grades back. Somehow I managed an A in Info Hell. I pretty much maimed the midterm, so this means the paper was excellent. Bonus! I was so scared I'd overlooked printing out like one annotation and would fail! I also pulled an A+ in Japanese. I seriously think I have the top score in that class. Not to brag, but it's nice to find something I'm good at besides being butch and acting like a dick to people who care about me. Not that those aren't endearing qualities ^^ now I can be psycho in a cute, anime way. So third and finally, I got a B+ in Economics. How the hell I pulled that I don't know... I thought I'd be LOW in the B range and was praying for that. Silly me for worrying.

Anyway, we got tickets for LoTR on its opening morning. Justin finishes his final tomrrow so mebby we'll be able to spend some unintterupted quality time together without me wigging out in this pseudo-zen violent state I'm in. I come from a family of clinically depressed people who refuse to see a doctor. Allie and I can drop St. John's Wort together at least. Wow, this is random... but I suppose that's the endorphins talking since I just got back from working out. Time to go take a HOT bath and relax with a book before anything else comes up.

Cyclic
I'm becoming more and more convinced that life is a very elaborate, confusing and graceless dance. Every time I think I have a chance at becoming a beautiful dancer, I manage to trip over something and take out one of my knees. I picture it as ballroom, everyone dressed up in bouffant costumes, looking their best but wearing colours other than they think they are. There are wallflowers, or course, but not many. Most are caught up in the dance, weaving their stories in endless, intricate circles... changing partners, stealing a kiss, leaving the subtle smell of perfume behind and never stealing a backward glance.

New good song: Under the Milky Way. You really need the music for the full effect of this one : )

Within and Without
I love to drive. I always forget when I go away to school because I don't have a car. I just got back from the city, [Seattle] which is gorgeous with Christmas lights. I watched Ocean's Eleven... all told, not a bad movie. : ) Made some good progress in Lord of the Rings. Now we're gonna see it on the 19th BEFORE someone's GREs Not sure that's a good idea though. Anyhow, I had a quote to write but it's in my other coat so I'll leave it for tomorrow.

Hibernation
So far this vacation has consisted of me sleeping. A lot. And listening to music while staring out the window. For me, winter is the months of brooding. I really don't do well when it gets dark at 4 o'clock. It doesn't help that I have a lot on my mind, either. I have been so tired. That bugs me, cause I want to get up and get out. Today I went to one of the local gyms and decided to get a trial membership for the sake of my sanity. I need to move too much...

We got a Christmas tree yesterday, a weird tradition that I don't really understand. The lights are pretty but I really feel bad for the trees, all dying for some stupid trinket ornaments that remind us of our childhood. Plus, they charge too damn much for pathetic looking trees. I think I'm starting to understand Christmas to some extent, though it brings with it a lot of nostalgia. Somehow, during Christmas I always feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people. It must just be winter...

I'm really looking forward to going to Montana. At least there's probably snow there... Too bad I can't watch Lord of the Rings before I go thanks to SOMEONE's GRE's. Nice scheduling ; p. I'm trying to motivate myself to read the first book in its entirety but I'm too sleepy. *laughs* I've mostly been wafting in and out of meditation to music enough to watch a few movies and go back to sleep. [Ex. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon & Family Man] Today I feel better... tomorrow I will probably feel even better : )

Daytime is nice, ESPECIALLY when there's sun. It's harder to cope when it gets dark. x-p Anyhow, now I'm rambling.... Will write more later, if anything happens. Probably if not.

And the moral of the story is....
"The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love... and be loved."
-Moulin Rouge soundtrack

Noel
Ah well, I'm officially on sabbatical now. For the next few days I plan to do nothing but sleep.

Safe Journey, everyone. I hope you can find time to be near someone you love. The holiday season's always seemed overly hectic to me... when I was growing up at least there was the silent falling snow to bring a peace over everything. Somehow rain doesn't have the same effect. Anyhow, figgy pudding and cheers and all that. I'm outtie.

Blessed Be.

Countdown
I'm almost outta here... just one more final. Ugh.
I still have to RANT.
On the other hand, I just found RuPaul's Weblog to entertain me.

"Tie yourself to the mast, my friend, and the storm will end."
The Verve- One Day

I've just discovered that I can relate to practically the whole Urban Hymns album, give or take a few songs. Especially One Day, Weeping Willow, Lucky Man and Space/ Time. [of course there's Bittersweet Symphony but everyone knows that song]

Uuuurgh
Well, it seems like I've finally accomplished hangover. That I didn't get to bed until 6AM didn't help either but at least I was able to cozy into my covers until 1PM. Drinking on a Monday night in celebration actually makes me feel productive... usually, I don't want to get out of bed. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed and I had a reason not to. *laughs*

Thanks Alex and Justus for the "toast" and marker stains. If someone orders pizza the next time I'm drunk, I will kill them though. Wait, damnit, *I* ordered the pizza, didn't I? Oops. Sometimes being enebriated is so much more worthwhile than being sober... if not just for the laughs. *chuckle*

I think I might have to force myself to eat something now. :) Ja mata.

Survey Says
So sue me. I was bored.
Miyah.

Info High
Holy schamolies... I can't believe it's finally OVER. It being Info Hell. One hundred fifty pages of mind-boggling annotations and bibliographic bull-shit. I have officially passed into the realm of journalism-dom. Or something. Honestly, my mind can't function because anything intellectual that was left in it is in that envelope I submitted just over an hour ago. Luckily it'll be mailed back to me in a few weeks. See the LoTM for a tribute.

Okay, so this leaves me with a Japanese final (my idea of fun!) and Economics, which I will undoubtably suck at and not care. Oh my lord, I will enjoy this vacation. I'm still not sure if I want to get a job or just chill out the whole break. Maybe I just need some down time to think about things I haven't had time to deal with. Like cookies. Yum. I leave Thursday morning via Amtrak. If I don't see any of you guys before then, have a Happy Holidays and *lots of hugs.*

This morning I was lying in bed and I realized that in 50 years, the Ben Affleck and Matt Damon of the future will star in a movie (or maybe only made for TV special depending on the outcome) of the September 11th attack. This makes me more nervous than terrorism itself. Yay for the media... I can't believe I'm selling out to them.

Espresso and Whipped Cream
Thankfully, the brainless editing is done.

I got most of my christmas shopping done this weekend and spent it otherwise blissfully unengaged from mental stressors. Tonight, Justin and I had good conversation over coffee at the Beanery. I think I decided that if Earth were really only a survey of the meaning of life, as is in Hitchhiker's Guide, Eugene would be an experiment in human conflict and growth, an observation of the interaction of the educated, the voluntarily uneducated, and the voluntarily stupid.

We talked a lot about the recent future. Things are going to change a lot this coming term and classes won't permit much visitation but the term after that he's graduated and I'm seeking a housemate. On one hand, I'm scared shitles to consider myself "living with someone" at nineteen. Not to mention my parents will flip... There are other ethics issues happening as well. But on the other hand I feel like it's all or nothing. I feel that way about most things and find myself mistaken; however, I don't know how much longer I can do the long distance thing. I feel like it's the most logical next step but since when do I take logic in stride? Thinking about things like this gets me all wrapped up. Is it better to just DO and see how it is? It seems like it could be so pleasant and homey. We'll see how it all turns out. ^^

Coffee concluded to much hysterical laughter as he ended up spilling half of my Cafe Royale all over the floor. Nice GOING! Anyway, I'm glad to be in the Chrismas spirit and I'm looking forward to seeing my family soon. I probably won't write much once I'm up there though... damned slow internet.