Annotations
Ahem... so anyway, sorry about yesterday's rant. I've edited it a bit which is, in fact, cheating... but I don't care. I want to speak my mind but I'm still afraid of bludgeoning someone with it. Especially someone I hold dear. I just wish, more than anything, that I could live each day at my very best and failing that, at least speak my mind as if I only had tomorrow to live. More and more it's becoming difficult to reason holding things inside for the sake of fear. Not that I mean I'd tell someone I thought they were a fool, I don't want to hurt. But I lay awake sometimes at night and this is one of the scenarios that runs through my head, what would I do if I or someone I knew were on their deathbed? And it's not a matter of what I would have DONE differently in actions persay. If anything is a matter of the past, it's who I was that I would change, and who I am that is changing. It really baffles me that we can't live each day striving to be this way. Of the profound changes that I've found myself going through this fall, (mostly a result of 9-11, as corny as that sounds and as cynical as I am... still likely to get arrested at airports this year for cracking bad jokes) this has struck me the most.

I guess that's why I'm here, leaving my diary open in the park, as a matter of speaking. Because I realize that my actions affect other people and I'm tired of cause and effect.I want to know that my words can have as strong an effect, that I have a voice that matters. That I can be interaction as well as action.

I'm not a child any more. I read my old diaries the other night and I was amazed. Before I'd always regarded that within as trivial and pretty much nonsense but I was amazed to find patterns and pathways evolving. I can see when I started to mature, when I started to bothe believe in an questsion love, and when I (too often?) tore apart the walls around me. I'm not a child anymore. I don't break my toys and cry for new ones, I will cling to what I have and what I have been part of because it is what I am made of and because it is precious to me. I can lose it all and still carry on but I would rather not have to. I would rather have someone to laugh with when I'm older and not feel as alone as my parents seem, even though they're together.

I HAVE grown up.... but that doesn't mean that I've grown out of wonder, or out of love or amazement. I find these things altogether hard to come by sometimes, but mostly that's my own fault and I simply need to smile. Sometimes I just need to realize that being lost isn't altogether a hassle, it isn't always pain and punishment. Sometimes, in being drawn away, it is the lessons of the journey that are more important than the path of the detour itself.