Transition
Seeing the Nutcracker was, well, trippy.... I dunno what I think of ballet. Somehow I expected it to have more of a plot. I still find it enjoyable to delve into the world of the "cultured," this past year going to the ballet, the symphony, and the opera. Eugene has a pretty good symphony, the Mozart Players, in which my honors college literature professor is first violin. Anyway, I digress.... after the ballet I got to go to the Northwest Dessert Company over by Pottery Northwest on the... uh, northwest corner of the Seattle Center. That place has some memories--- whether I mean the Seattle Center itself or the dessert co., I'm not sure. Mmmm... Cheesecake, you are an unmerciful God.

My little kitty came home last night and is generally being a spaz. He makes me happy and keeps me much less lonely. The holiday season I always find somewhat of a bummer. I don't know why, but I'm usually wishing I were somewhere else, with someone else. I guess I've always hoped for a picturesque family scene but have never found it at home. I'm a bit of a scrooge... I'm not one for gifts and carols but I want to GIVE. I want to make things *right.* I want to share a **moment** with SOMEONE. And I'm usually so let down. I hate to say it (just on principal) but I think I actually LIKE Faith Hill's song, "Where are you Christmas?".

This year I'm scared. I'm actually really, really scared to just float through Christmas and New Years like usual. When 2002 starts and I have to go back to school, things are going to change. They're going to get a bit heavy and I'm not sure I'm ready to handle it. I'm going to have to deal with the "in your face" of some things I don't need to see and still accept the involuntary distance of others.

It's Justin's last quarter at Seattle University. He has 15 more credits and a schedule that doesn't permit much of a weekend... at all. So after break begins the 10 week countdown to his grand finale, when my housemate moves out and someone-- Justin?-- moves in. SCREW my panic, because I **am** ready for this.... but I question too much whether I came to it out of my own wisdom or because I am in a relationship that permits consistency. I am so TIRED of long distance relationships and honestly, I sometimes wish I'd never gotten into one to begin with. That may only be a product of recent delusions though. Regardless, I don't want to drag another one to a city that's already a perpetual vortex of bad karma for me. Even IF I live my life like I'm not in a WB drama, something still kicks me every time I breathe in. So I'll breathe out and get ready to suck it up. This term is going to be a long, friggin' beating.

Justin's left for Montana to see his family; on Christmas Day I'll follow. And So we enter another city with a vortex.... and both of us with unfinished business. Things are going to change, I know it... and for the first time this "end of summer" feeling really scares me. It's been growing for the last two months and I've been struggling with it and trying not to flee. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, just getting a little timid. But really, this is my moment to shine. So into the fray I go, with less than two weeks to scramble to the top and dive in. This time, I don't plan on taking anyone down with me.