Success! And.... Suspicions
So I wrote my landlords a letter; sympathetic yet strong enough to let them know I had the leverage to get the police involved if I wanted to. I also gave them the offer of keeping my last month's rent ($325) and deposits ($200) but returning my $100 cat deposit if they'd just leave me the hell alone. In return I said I wouldn't get any further involved with making the other tenants' business my own. (I am so a L33T M4F14 G4NGS74) I also made them a less lucrative offer where for the return of my deposits (all $300), I would continue looking for a replacement tenant for a month and a half using fliers and an ODE classified ad, provided they clean up the house to make it possible.

Yesterday I faxed the letter. Today they called me and told me they would accept the first of the above two deals. They want to release me from my contract ASAP. I can absorb the loss of the last month's rent and deposits- they're already sunk costs. I'll also be getting a $100 check from them- yay! Of course, since they so readily agreed to the offer.... it does (just as Ilona said it would) make me wonder if I could have gotten more out of them. They were originally proposing keeping all fees plus one more months' rent, so I didn't want to push my luck. But they said a few things that sound a little fishy....

First, they want to get it all done ASAP. Not just ASAP but by "May 5th." Marla said "by May 5th" to me multiple times on the phone. What's so special about may 5th? What do they have planned on May 5th? Why does my stuff need to be out by JUST THAT DATE? Secondly, I offered to put up new house fliers with their number on it as a last service to them. Marla said that I didn't need to do this because there were some "other things they needed to take care of first." What other things? More important than renting the room? Third, I called them back and asked for a clause in the agreement (which I should have stated in the first place) that makes it possible for me to get my $200 deposits back IF and ONLY if they rent the room within the next month. She declined to do this. I can understand why they wouldn't want any further obligation to me... but it makes me hesitant to sign this new (albeit satisfactory) agreement before being SURE that they're not going to turn around and rent my room to someone else the next day and make a profit on my misfortune. I probably do owe them something for their troubles (and attorney fees) (and putting up with me) but I don't wanna be USED. So I think I'll just ask them up front what their plans are and maybe ask them to swear that this isn't what they're doing. Cause that, my friends, WOULDN'T be legal.

But thank god I called their bluff at all.

Score: Kat 2 : Beesons 1

Why the hell isn't it Wednesday? Err... more appropriately, why do I keep thinking it IS wednesday???

Stupid Questions
People have been asking me an awful lot of stupid questions lately. Like, I say I'm going to do something and they say "I thought you did that last week." Why yes, thank you for reminding me, I must have forgotten!! Der...or, going home to the apartment. "I'm going home, I live here now." "I thought you lived over there." OH MY GOD!!! I'Ve been living in the wrong apartment!

I know I do the same thing on occasion, we all do... but these slips have been coming my way from other people a lot in the past few days. It's both annoying and funny. I hate having to re-state the obvious but I also feel kind of bad because I know if I just wait a few seconds, the questioners will figure out their faut. I always seem to feel stupid about 9 nano-seconds after I ask one of these dumb obviously-wrong questions.

I wonder what it is though, Spring makes peoples brains go away? (Speaking of Spring, thank GOD I haven't been attacked by the Allergy monster yet this year. *knowck on wood* If I don't make any sudden movements, maybe it'll just pass me by.... Or maybe the cottonwoods are just taking their nefarious time to bloom....)

P.S. Murray, don't be depressed! I wuv woo!! *GLOM, HUG*

Hm...Non Sequitors
I wonder why there aren't more ice cream trucks around here. Do those thigns have zoning restrictions? There's plenty of ice cream in the campus area but we ALL know how that stupid jingle makes us want to come running. Or maybe they just conditioned me well as a kid. Heh. Anyway, I think that some entrepreneur could make a killing on campus kids or anywhere in the vicinity of campus in this crazy town. So why the hell are there no ice cream trucks?

My bellybutton has healed nicely. I will soon present you with a picture of it. It looks the same as when I got it... it never got red or bled or crustied over or anything. It's like my bellybutton went "hm... you just stabbed me with something... ok." I'm glad my body is chill, I think it trusts me.

This weekend, after Friday move-in, Justin and I are driving to Portland for a renaissance costume ball. We probably won't know anyone there, but it should be MAJORLY fun. I'm so excited! And that means we get to spend the night in Portland and say hi to his mom, which we haven't done in SO LONG! I love Justin's mom ^^. Actually, next week, Sarah (that's his mom) will be coming to stay with us for five days. We'll surely regale her with our new place, and we even have an extra room and or fold-out couch for her to sleep in... on... something....

We'd like to regale you with our new house, too... so before his mom comes (or even if she comes early) we'll be having a house-warming party! We want to keep it small, mostly just people whom we know well, and hope it doesn't turn into a drunken brawl. OR whatever. Anyway, that will probably next Saturday, around 8 PM or so... (we'll have food to start) and going as late as the neighbors can put up with it. Please RSVP me. I'll give more info to most of you guys later this week of next week, including my address and phone. I suppose we can do this food thing potluck-style instead of BYOB... we'll see. It'll be fun, anyway! We don't mind if people crash with us, we have plenty of room... popcorn and bad DVDs, anyone?

Anyway, I digress... this weekend begins "show season" (unofficially, the official start is the weekend of May 25th). Justin and I will be spending a lot of our weekends this summer in costume all over Oregon and Washington. He gets to fight bad'uns and good'uns and I get to be... um... a prop. Yeah! I'm a wench! Teehee... I'm looking forward to it. Lael gave me a bunch of stuff to complement my outfit. ^^

Lastly, I'm looking forward to Beltane... May 1st! Too bad the full moon doesn't correspond this year.... full moon makes for powerful Magik. OH well, it's close enough! Fun times and fertility rites! SWEET.

Every man is in his person the whole human race without a detail lacking...
In myself I find in big or little proportion every quality and every defect that is findable in the mass of the race...

-Mark Twain

The Clarity of Dreams
Today I sat in the sun in a field behind the Knight Library. I listened to the muted sounds from the school of music and the cacophany being created by a group of tai-chi dancers moving in rhythm on the lawn. The whole world existed in a pleasant haze of passive pleasure... a dream... a mirage...

On the other hand, my dreams are rarely mirages. I seem to feel and see with more clarity than I do in waking life. It's almost disappointing. I can think of so many dreams in which I have felt a greater degree of unconstrained sorrow, joy, and anger than I have ever felt one moment in waking life. (Or I could just be repressed ^^) It soothes me to know I have the capacity to experience these boundless feelings. I know they are real I know they are within me... I know the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow... I have even acknowledged my own capacity for raw anger. But I am disconcerted that these emotions cannot seem to manifest in real life. Maybe they're not supposed to... maybe I need them to be restrained so that I can function. But then, every moment in which I am within the throes of these absolute FEELINGS, I feel more worthy as a living being than I ever have from accomplishing anything monetary, academic, or interpersonal. These are personal revelations.

I have stood face to face with my demons and cursed them a thousand times.

I have danced in the flourescent-lit hallmark card isle inside my head with ghosts from the past and shades from the future. We all laughed and spun and embraced in pure, midless joy.

I have wept in unrestrained sorrow over the dead forms of countless friends and lovers and found, in these moments, that I knew and loved their true archetypes more than I could ever say in waking life. In these moments I truly value those dead of my dreams because they are utterly, completely lost to me. (Yes, a lot of people die in my dreams, not neccesarily violently. I often just find out they've died, or are about to die, from someone and the dream becomes a meditation of ABSOLUTE sorrow.)

These are not the power dreams of my Archetype. They are not bound to an element or founded in Wild Magik. These are Human dreams, these are real. Life, more often than not, is more hazy than any of these dreams. What's to say that life isn't the dream and these dreams are real? What's to say I couldn't feel these things in waking life if I only let go? One word, both counts: Fear.

Fear is the mind killer; fear is the little-death...

Fear is that which waking life is about. Fear is that which governs us as Human beings when we cannot be free of it in Dreams. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are who we are and we do what we do based upon fears, big and small. I am not consciously afraid, most of the time. I am happy... I am sad... but I am hazy because I am afraid to let go. Afraid that it would draw me out, that it would make me somehow not able to be where the other people are... that living in absolute clarity would make me unable to communicate with the world- absolutely alone. It's like the thought that's illustrated in the quote from "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" in Thursday's post. I think that while these pure emotions are also real; human, so is the fear that guides me and restrains me in waking life.

When I say we live in fear, I don't mean we are cowards (though we may be) or that we even hold back on purpose (though we might)... I just mean to say that there is a part of ourselves that we can't let out because of that fundamental, social Ego. Only in dreams can we fall face-first into our fear and come out into a world where it doesn't exist... where not only is intergalactic warfare a plausible occurance, but an instant of absolute joy or sorrow is not uncommon either.

I tell ya, after nights like these- whether I find myself euphoric or sobbing- waking life is just a little lame. Does anyone want to join me in leaving this place behind for a waking life that is free of fear and making a new world where these absolutes can exist? Hm... on the other hand, I don't think that's possible... I don't think we can live without the restraint of fear... I don't think evolution would permit it. Then, we've been exceptions to so many rules...

But I can still only defy the gravity of the Real in my Dreams.

I think it's time for a nap.

All Lawyers Can Go To Hell
Legal Services can suck my balls.** Nicole Miani seemed nice enough but she's left to have her baby... in her place they leave me with PMS queen attorney who's all pissed off cause she has to do double duty. Despite the fact that I waited TWO WEEKS for an appointment (and then saw her) she was a total bitch. Helpful to a minimal degree, but a bitch. So I tell her the story and she gives me some suggestions. Nothing really legally solid, but suggestions. She won't write me a letter, I have to do it myself. I thought this is what legal services DID. Finally, she agrees to write me a statement to accompany my letter. I write a kick-ass letter and send it to her, along with my lease and cosigner forms. She says, no, don't email it to them.. we need to do snail mail. A delay that I can understand based on legality and authenticity issues. So I email her to ask for more suggestions. She says, don't email me, it's not confidential, make another appoinment... BLOW ME LADY!! The next appointment I can GET is MAY friggin TENTH. Okay, let's talk about expediation here. Fuck. Unfortunately, she's my only option when it comes to a lawyer... cause she's FREE. Whoop de doo. In any case, I figure I'll send the letter out NOW and just let the Beesons know I've seen an attorney and she's drafting a statement to send them. I hope that threat will be enough because god knows when she'll get around to writing anything. Bah... Lawyers are too goddam expensive and this free one blows.

ANYONE FROM THE LAW SCHOOL WANNA HELP ME OUT? I'll give you a "get out of hell free" voucher! ; )

**Note: No, I dont't really mean this, nor do I even HAVE balls... but thanks for asking.

That Golden Thread
Another revelation of sorts while working out...

I passed the threshold into euphoria again and was this time rewarded with images of incredible beauty: my archetype raising the mists, the bridge under a full moon, masques dancing, thunderclouds, lightning, daybreak, the opening of a flower, cycles speeding up, pulsing through the city, a superhighway...

and then the mirage was broken by the simple movement of the leaves of a tree in the sunlight right outside my window... but it drew me right back in deeper and the superhighway was pulses of energy along the branches of the tree from the leaves and their stems into the trunk and down into the very center of the earth. I saw the energy flow from the earth into every other being and back into the tree... the superhighway, blinding pulses of brilliance inside every living thing, everything the same energy, the same life, the same chaos and purity. We are the superhighway inside of something much greater, just as the light flows through us.

In closing, I leave you with this thought...

"The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth,
the more real and truthful they become.
Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air,
to soar into the height, take leave of the earth and his earthly being
and become only half real- his movements as free as they are insignificant.
What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"

Milan Kundera- The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Knowing it will remove you from your friends, your established life... will you seek enlightenment? Is freedom worth the price?

ORYGUN
Another wonderful Spring day. Love it while it lasts- who knows when the weather will do another about-face! Ahh, Oregon... how easy it is to love thee when you show your fairest side. No other place can you love the sun so utterly much. Only here, where it's so often bleak and dreary does the sunshine have immesurable value. It's like some sick Doestoyevskian notion.

I love this state. It's my home now... I hate the rain, I worship the sun... I need the mountains and the evergreens in the mist... I need lush valleys and sea caves- sand, grass, and sky.... We have such an abundance of nature here in Oregon.

Biking over the river this morning I was struck by how beautiful and pristine it was. This is not the polluted Willamette that I sometimes picture... it doesn't deserve our sewage, it deserves to be pure and fresh. It's not like the Huron river in Ypsilanti, Michigan, that ran through town in much the same way. The Huron was a slow-flowing cesspool no matter what way you look at it... the Willamette should be something better. I hope we humans can get our act together before it all comes down on us.

When I came down to microservices this morning, workers on the construction site for Gilbert seemed to be spraying one of the large pines lining the walkway with a DIRT HOSE. Yes, a large fire hose spewing DIRT. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. Not nearly as weird, surreal, and comic as what happened to me this morning... which I won't talk about because there ARE certain things about me I don't want people to know.... but it was still weird. Dirt hose fight!!!

Gah!
I took another look at the bridge on my way home today (yesterday). At first glance, I was shocked- not only was the railing totalled, metal struts and all- but one of the lamp posts had been annihilated as well! If it wasn't a tree, what was it? Then I took another look and realized that it WAS a tree that had mauled the bridge... several trees, in fact, and big ones at that. Check out the far bank on the left side to see what did the damage. Yowzah.

Strangely, I've been seeing pregnant women all day. And really fuckin HUGE ones, to boot! Maybe it's the nice weather that's brought them out but it sure seemed that the whole damn world was pregnant all of a sudden. Ah, spring.... Well, lemme tell ya, nothing turns me on to the birds and bees like swollen, distended bellies hanging from clothing! I like children and I even enjoy the idea of pregnancy but I swear to god that *I* could have fit in some of these womens' bellies. Several of them were walking about with their shirts unbuttoned from their fronts, lumpy protrusions free to the air. Granted, I don't find this offensive... it was just... gah ... gah... it makes me do a real double take. I forget that skin can get so... taut... big... weird.... gah....

Mmm... Golf
A little eager, are we missy? Don't suck on it or anything...

Help...
Murray and I went to look at the Kincaid place today. He's my witness. I took some pictures with the digicam; nothing as serious as last week but still bad. House smelled strongly of weed and had to air it out. There was a paper grocery bag on the living room floor, the bottom of it filled 3 inches deep with some dried leafy substance resembling but not smelling of or clumping like pot. I can't imagine what it is.

Kitchen was a mess, more beer- bottles this time. Food everywhere, counters, walls, floor dirtied. Tyler's open bedroom had been used for a weed-smoking room. I noiced that they had removed the two kitchen chairs from my room and placed them in here to accompany the beer bottles and weed on the floor. I also noted that the slipcover I was using on my red beanbag was in this room. The beanbag was nowhere to be found... not in my room; not in their rooms; not in the house; not in the shed. What the fuck? They're taking my property now??!?! Not like I have huge sentimental value attached to my $7 beanbag from goodwill but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST have some RESPECT!!!! GRRRrrrrRRRrrgh....

*deep breath* So Murray and I took some samples of the EtOH for Staze, Justin, and a constant. I dunno if I'll even get around to using them. Maybe just to pour some into their milk and watch them try to lead life after their optic nerves have dissolved. DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!!! I'm lucky I didn't leave anything of value there. Reilly came home while Murray and I were in the kitchen. He was riding Kim's bike, which she had left there (in the locked shed) with the intention to pick it up later. He said, stupidly, "whose bike is this?" I said "Kim's, and she wants it back." (Kim's lease was just now taken over by August) So he left it, a nice mountain bike with shocks, outside the shed and unlocked. I notified Reilly that people were coming to see the house and asked if it was alright if I tidy up the kitchen. He said "no" because why would we want to give them the wrong idea... wasn't it just better if we left things the way we were? Even though Murray was there to back me, he was being extremely standoffish and confrontational so I just backed off. The couple I showed the house to found it laughable, I'm sure.

I told the Beesons about the new situation, specifically that my things were used, missing, and misplaced and they recommend I remove my belongings from the property immediately. I panicked a bit and said more than I probably should have. They called me back and proposed a deal. They want me to pay next month's rent minus cat deposit ($100) and leave them last month's rent and all other deposits. I can't remember if deposits amount to $200 or $400 but either way that's more than I want to pay for how badly this situation has escalated.

I am so tired and drained. I do have an appointment with Legal Services tomorrow morning. Hopefully they'll be able to help. I didn't accept the Beesons' offer and I won't accept anything until I have it in writing. At least my dad was nice enough to offer me cash if I needed it.

I think my cat is going insane... he keeps running around and chirruping, running up the walls almost. I think I know how he feels. Kill me now.

A Funny thing Happened on the way...
A few interesting observations from my trek to school. It's a really great sunny day and I stopped briefly to take some pictures of the Autzen stadium construction (they're adding some odd thousand more seats). It's sunny but cold out there and in taking the photos I discovered two things. One, god damn do I have bad circulation in my hands! And, two, Justin's digicam is TOTALLy out of batteries (thank x-p... more expenses), which means that I have to buy more before trying to photograph the Kincaid house today. That, and Rupert has fleas so I need to fork over $30 for some Advantage. Boo.

In any case, what I REALLY wanted to write about was what I noticed as I came upon the bridge. The water level is down at LEAST two feet from last week. All the little rocks, branches and islands that were covered by the torrential rain have again been revealed. More interestingly, however, was the state of the bridge itself. Now, I dunno what I would ever do if it broke (probably stay at home) but it looks like someone came close to trashing at least part of it. The right railing on the west side was smashed in several places, the metal supports wrenched from the bridge itself. Some were gone. It looked like a tree had fallen on the railing but it was too far over the water for anything but the tallest pine to reach it, and there was no evidence of that. It didn't look like damage done by a single person, unless that person had forcibly slammed their bicycle like a sledge hammer into the railing repeatedly. Hm. Maybe motor vehicle damage? Did some service sap drive drunk into the guard rail? Sounds like it could be potentially tragic. ; ) Anyway, it makes one wonder...

Kat bin Laden?
I'm not of middle-eastern descent. I don't have religious extremest tendencies. I'm cautious in the things I say around airport security. I am, nonetheless, a total idiot. On the way up from Eugene this weekend the airport security did everything but give me an anal probe... and because my bag was searched by a trainee and a menopausal bitch, they wouldn't tell me what in my belongings was suspicious enough to warrant search. This morning, coming out of Seattle (I knew I should have checked my bag...) it was the same thing. "Whose green backpack is this?" "mine... grumble" "Mind if we systematically manhandle your belongings, sniff your underwear and laugh at you for carrying a 'personal massager'?? etc etc..." (none of which they did or I was carrying... thankfully)

Well, fuck yes I mind and my flight is boarding in five minutes but I'd rather shut up and let you do your thing than be kept from my flight for making sarcastic comments. *sigh*

Anyway, so they took all the shit out of my backpack *again* but this time the searcher was a nice lady who talked to me while she swabbed my shoes and my bag for bomb residue. I asked her to please tell me what the suspicious items were so that I could refrain from packing them in the future. She told me there were two groups of them, one in the front pocket and one in the back. I wondered at what was in the back pocket because they didn't even open those on the way up from Eugene. They did, however, on the way up, open my toiletries bag and SNIFF every liquid in every bottle but didn't touch the sea salt baggie (for mixing solution to clean my bellybutton) which looks a LOT like some crack cocaine. I wondered if this time they were going into the back pocket to look at the vials and pipettes that Justin and I lifted from the Seattle University lab this morning. {I forgot to mention that in my last visit to the Kincaid house there was a lab bottle labled 100% EtOH (ethanol... pure alcohol) which, aside from being HIGHLY illegal to own without liscence would have to have been stolen from the U by August, a biochem major. I grabbed pipettes to steal some samples from them and get them run in the lab here or by Justin. I'd feel bad using the Pot as grounds for eviction but I will use EtOH as evidence.}

In the front, they told me it was the group of pens and pencils resting at the bottom of my bag that they found suspicious. One of them has a mechanism to turn on a penlight and grouped with the others, it was "suspicious." (The woman made sure to correct me when I asked what looked suspicious and told me that nothing looked suspicious, something was suspicious.

In any case, it wasn't the rubber glove and equipment that they looked at. It was my god damn leatherman (mini) which I had forgotten was even in there and that they hadn't even found in Eugene. Much to my chagrin, they were going to throw it away. Thankfully, Justin as watching to make sure they didn't anal probe me (thought they did swab my shoes again) and I ferried it back over to him. My instrument of terror is now in his hands.

Why, oh, why, have I been "randomly" selected to be felt up every single time I have flown since Sept 11th? Do I fit the "suburban white gap girl" profile of a disgrtuntled american taliban spy? Do they just want to touch my boobies? ("Is it ok if I touch the small of your back?" "No, you fucking pervert, get off of me!") In all honesty, I've been pegged EVER SINCE sept 11th EXCEPT the time that I flew closest to the incident. Well, they did let me get on the plane from Eugene with a knife, corkscrew, and mini-tweezers. Even after they confiscated my leatherman, I wondered... wouldn't the pencils in my bag do more deep-stabbing damage than the leatherman? Guess I missed my chance to be a terrorist.

Dance Dance, yo!
Just a cool moment... this early 90s dance/funk song was on the radio and we stopped at a red light near a dance studio. Somehow, it happened that the people inside were dancing to music with the same beat... very much like th Volkswagen Jetta commercial.

We had our fill of good sushi and got free sake for Justin-san's birthday. We're gonna settle down and watch Donnie Darko and Blood: the Last Vampire.

Just had to record that moment before it slipped my mind.

P.S. Don't rape my cat, Cat! He has no balls and thus no sex drive!
It's not consensual dolphin sex here!
NoooooO! Rupert! Mommy says look out for the bad lady!!

Ho-hum
Happy birthday, Justin!

Tomorrow is 4-20... hee hee.... too bad I'm flying up to seattle...

Well, I've been so busy and I'll continue to be whipped by my classes into the rest of the term. I'll be here to keep you updated, tho!

Just a side note, "losing my Honor" does not refer to anything unsavory, for those of you that might be wondering. I found my Honor again, anyway. It was on my front porch... now I have it, for the time being. ^^

Incredible Journey
Wellll....

I thought I'd lost my Honor yesterday but it turns out I found it. I keep wanting to write about my Honor but I'm refraining from revealing that entry until I actually lose it. You'll see.

Tomorrow I'm flying to Seattle for Justin's birthday.

Happy 22nd, Wolf Pup! Hurrah!

We willl, of course, have more sushi. Watashi wa sushi ga daisuki desu yo! We're trying to get tickets to see Robin Williams' show downtown, but they look to be both very expensive and nearly gone at this point. I'll let you know if we go!

I guess I do have a purpose in writing this after all. I'm flying out tomorrow at 5:30 and coming back Monday noon. As of yet, I haven't been able to find a ride home from the airport and I'm humbled myself into asking pretty much everyone I know. It's not that I'm worried about being stranded, it's just that right now paying the $20 for the shuttle back home would put me out another quarter of my checking account. I'm POOR, people. So if you or anyone you know might be able to pick me up at the airport at noon, I should be waiting outside, dejectedly. I love you!

Oh, Oh OH! Let me tell you about the disgustingness I found when I went to show the house today. Keep in mind I've been away four days since this place was cleaned from top to bottom. It was still clean on Sunday.

I came home and parked my bike. My stomach dropped when I saw three raw chicken breasts left to rot in an open ziploc baggie in the front yard. I went inside. The house smelled like mary-jane and garbage. Why did it smell like garbage? We've lived 4 days without trash before and there was no SMELL. The pot smell was due to the ashtray full of bud on the floor and the water and hash pipes on the counter. There was a Bob Marley poster up to complement the atmosphere. Also, there was a random (yes random, as in not connected to anything) subwoofer box the size of a small child with "legalize hemp" stickers on it sitting in the kitchen. The kitchen was a mess. There was food EVERYWHERE (along with a half-eaten microwave burger on the living room floor). Tomato sauce and beans were dried on the counter tops. A plate with burnt cookies had littered crumbs everywhere. There were about 200 sugar ants milling over the counters. Nothing was stacked in the sink but there were about 15 beer cans next to it. I had to clean this all up with the one sponge left in the house (no soap). That was about all the damage done on the inside. I didn't notice until I was in the process of showing the house that someone had tactfully mowed the long part of the back yard into a capital F-U-C-K. Charming. What wonderful scum-of-the-universe. How the FUCK am I going to find someone to rent this place?

Bridge/ Mortality
I know I've written this before, but it never ceases to amaze me. Autzen bridge is a place of power.

Is it the expanse of air? The openness? The height? The sound of rushing water?

It may be one or all of these things that make the bridge somewhere special, but the feeling it gives is utterly supernatural.

I stand on the bridge alone and I think. I stand on the bridge with company and I talk. I open like a flower. All of the words that I censor in my waking life come to the surface, almost completely unhindered. Mostly, the bridge brings out ideas and emotions from the preconscious- hopes, fears.... hidden things. They all bubble out in an exuberant rush of conversation no matter the person I'm talking to. On the bridge I let go. Sometimes, I feel as if the bridge speaks through me. Instead of saying things from my own mind, I feel like I am being used as a conduit. I begin to say things that I don't think before I say them; that I wasn't aware were part of me- that I feel are a part of something else.... words that have been formed by a force outside of myself... words of power....

(I wrote you a letter)

When I speak these words, I feel like a sybil. The sybil/oracle/priestess figure has always been my archetype. I not a fire entity... there is the energy of the warrior in me, but not the will to do the work. I am water and air, maleable, transluscent, lucid, liquid. I sometimes feel as if I am a conduit. As if my writing, my words, my dreams, were vehicles through which another voice can speak. I am not like my sister, however. I am not frail, transparent, pastel... I cannot see the border to the land of ghosts. I am grounded in earth and sea, an empathic elemental. I'm not getting a big head here, this is just my archetype... it takes a lot for it to manifest and few people (often only those with the most powerful Gift) can see the archetype while my masks are up. For some reason, the bridge drops these masks. There is Pallas, Seneca, Geness. The first in the triad.

I had a long, strange childhood.

Sometimes these things leave me. But I cling so desperately to them that I embrace any place that can bring them back. I love the bridge. I love being there with people. Even if I can't speak to them in my daily life, I can speak to them there. We can still discover ourselves through each other. It means a lot.

Often, I am surprised by the things I hear myself say. I guard my words well and when they come out unhindered or unforeseen, I know there is something unusual about them. I don't know if I've ever in my life spoken a full or even partial prophecy but I've said some damn weird truths that were beyond me even milliseconds before the thought left my mouth.

Last night, when I said it wasn't the people, it was the ideas that make us... I might have been wrong. Maybe it is the people that are real. Maybe we only have the ideas because of them. I think I'd like to believe it's our ideas/ideals that move the world... I like to embrace this abstract. But what if it really is the people? What if it is all concrete? If it is the PEOPLE that matter, does any of what I say even make a difference? Should you even care?

What is wrong with us?

What's wrong with people?

Nothing is wrong with us. We are all perfect imperfections.

Sometimes I feel guilty for the things that come out of my mouth when I can't stop them. It's like "the true confessions of a seriously disgruntled college girl." I feel like a head case. I think sometimes I must look like all I do bitch and moan about what more I want. I AM HAPPY...

I am.

But I still question that. I always will... it's what I am, it's what I do. It's why I have to sometimes take moments and twist them inside-out, tag them, and say "this is special... this is real... this is NOW." It's why I make stupid little things, like getting my bellybutton pierced, into momentous events. So... so WHAT? So what do I know about anything? Why does this matter and what the hell am I saying anyway? Why am I writing all this bullshit that none of you (save maybe two...) will even attempt to understand? First, because I can. This is my soapbox, bitches. This IS my diary. I don't keep another one. This is IT. Only with names removed. Second, This is am emotion I'm trying to capture. It doesn't belong to words... but I am trying to make it into them. As always I will fail, mostly. Third, it matters because there IS power. I can feel it... and I have to prove it to myself, because that there is something greater than me and I feel that, sometimes, it might be mildly interested, THAT is important.

I am just a small girl, standing on a bridge, holding a conversation betwen realms, looking out at a river that flows to the ocean... and all I can think is this:

I'm just so glad that you can finally look at me.

I HAVE L33T POWAH!!
Heh heh... I just spent the last half hour at a useless Psychology lab "remembering" how to use the Net Send command. This is fun if you have Windows 2000, NT, or XP. 95/98 can install it... but what kind of fun is that? Net send is a command that allows you to send messages through DOS to other network nodes based on their IP or computer name. It took me half an hour to find the right command online because I couldn't remember it. Then, I tested it on myself and Blake at Microservices.

The command at the prompt is "net send IP/computer name message". This sends a message to the node in the form of a pop-up window that contains the message and the computer name from which it was sent.

After I figured this out, I started sending messages to the other computers in the lab. Conveniently they were all labelled with their names (all names from the Princess Bride). It took me a while to work up the guts to do this, but it was so worth it to see the look on peoples' face. HAHAHA...

Anything is Possible
I'd better rant today before I go off to class. I haven't been able to get online at home yet so I might as well take advantage of the 'net at work.

Yesterday I spent a few hours at the gym working out... aside from being an utterly Euphoric experience as usual, several notable instances of synchronic randomninity occured... simulated enlightenment, I guess. The first strange thing of note is that while I was working out, I noticed someone unusual in the gym. It was the "bag lady." For those of you unaware of her presence, the Bag Lady is another campus regular, much like Unicycle Mike, though I doubt she is a student. The bag lady rides around on a bike with two huge baskets in the back that look like they are full of tarps. Her hair is often unkept, though she ties it up with scarves. She mumbles to herself and is known to be confrontational, though I do see people talking to her every now and then. My guess is that she suffers from schizophrenia. In any case, there she was at the gym, a strange enough place for her to be.... The first thing I noticed was that she was working out wearing a heavy winter sweater. I was sweatting into my eyes in just spandex shorts and a top- it was hard for me to imagine how warm she must have been. Secondly, I noticed that she was working out on a recumbent bicycle. This struck me as REALLY odd because she spends most of the day riding around on her strange contraption of a vehicle. I watched her for a while and then got carried away with my own workout. When I looked up, she was gone.

It's funny, the way our bodies reward us for doing something good for them. When I work out, I see things... I leave myself and enter a world of light, vision, euphoria... possibility. Primarily this happens when I've been running for a while and under the influence of heavy industrial music. It's a form of escape and meditation and therefore it reveals to me both hidden truths and the obvious things that I've been ignoring. Yesterday, while I was filled with the music, I also became filled with the people in my life. We were all together, laughing, the center of joy was within us and our differences were without us. But we were joyful because we were different. We loved each other because we suffered and failed and because we could never understand each other. I have loved many people for many days. I have loved liars and theives, conspiracy theorists, masochists, nymphomaniacs and prudes, fetishists, furries, lesbians, suicide survivors, christian fundamentalists, experimentalists, realists, the fantasy-minded and both those who embrace the light and those who revel in the darkness inside themselves. I have made lovers and enemies of friends. Together we have all pined, hated, lusted, tried, failed, loved... succumbed to the flesh and mastered the mind and spirit.

We are so diverse.
We are anything we want to be, but we still cannot see what we are.
Still, in this moment, I knew who they all were and how I loved them.... I saw it all
and Smiled
and knew I still couldn't see myself.

But
The energy runs through me
The Music runs through me
The air is as ribbons of light through my splayed fingertips.

I lie, I love, and I laugh.
Anything is possible.

(most of this is what I wrote after I got off the treadmill yesterday... my body knows how to reward me, ne?)

Lastly, while I was finishing my workout, an attractive late-20-something man came over and motioned for me to take off my headphones so he could speak to me. I had noticed him watching me on and off while I was working out but I was still surprised he came over. It's rare that anyone talks to strangers in the gym, but here he was. I took off my headphones and he said, "do you watch french films?" I was still startled but said yes, I had seen a few... and he asked me if I had seen "Manon of the Spring." I said no but he advised that I should see it. Apparently he thinks I look like Emannuelle Beart. (She was in Mission Impossible with Cruise) I fail to see the resemblence but I was, and am, nonetheless, flattered.

I love the gym!!

Ahh, Food...
I continue to update, despite my lack of a sufficient ISP at home... and despite the fact that ALMOST everyone I know never updates their weblogs anymore... mostly due to the fact that they are busy being systematically """"""distracted"""""" by their 'new' significant others. Uwaah... but I'll be nice and you'll have me a little while longer; there's still 2 weeks before Wolf Pup moves down here. Actually, don't expect me to be going anywhere- I depend on this journal to keep me sane. Justin can tell you I handwrote an entry every day we were in Florida just to empty my mind. While we're living together, I might be more """""distracted"""" but I think I may have more to rant about him. Just kidding, sweetie. ; ) (We've also been together for 2+ years now and appreciate our alone unwind time as much as together time... so boo on all you novelty junkies, we shall survive!!!)

Last night we had the BEST dinner over at my place. Murray and Katie came to my new apartment to escape their evil roomates and to use the new, big, fully-stocked SUPER KITCHEN [muahahahaha]... what started as a humble attempt to have a dinner together turned into an uber-gourmet feast of unrivalled proportions! I haven't eaten this good (even at a restaurant) in a while! Let me tell you about the 5 course meal...
We started out with sauteed morels, added spinach and feta
Pan-fried Red snapped with white wine, cream, and strawberry sauce (needed garlic/salt, maybe?)
Steamed green beans and baby red potatoes with basil
Oven Toasted garlic bread (real garlic, and a lot of it)
Salad with carrots....
for dessert, we cleansed the palate with Ben & Jerry's "world's best vanilla" ice cream

It did kind of suck that we had to buy non-alcoholic wine for cooking. The alcohol mostly cooks off, anyway, but there was something LACKING. Not to mention the carbonation. Boo.

It was a royal feast! We chatted until late and then I read for about three hours (ugh...) and went to sleep. Ahh, peace, harmony and DAMN GOOD FOOD.

It is nice not to have to come home to evil, rednecked roomates with anger management problems (or, in your case, Murray, a disfunctional couple...). But I am still a tenant at that house, though I don't plan to be for long.

And yes we will be having a house-warming party to which you, dear readers, are invited. It'll be the weeken of the 26-28th or next month the weekend of 4-6. I'll let you know when we have more info, etc. We do want to keep it small, the place isn't THAT big... and I know how people's houses get trashed at parties. (ph33r... ph33r... new carpet) Stay tuned for updates.

I suppose I really should do my reading for Evolution, Cooperation and Ethics class... mata ne!

Moving Right Along...
Ahh... and let me say again Ahhhh....

it's so great to have a real place to live. A real, safe, place to live. I want to call it a place of my own but I do share it with Justin. Three weeks until he moves down and we can get it all together! : )

I moved in on Saturday, a shitty, rainy day to move... but warm, at least. It took us a good portion of the day to get settled and we didn't get everything over to the house until 11:30 at night. Thus was due mostly to the fact that the Beesons(my landlords) stopped by the Kincaid house in the morning to change smoke detectors, remove a fallen tree from the back yard, and socialize a bit. The ended up having a rather revealing conversation with Reilly. By revealing I mean that he showed himself to be a truly irresponsible redneck withe anger problems. I think they understand, to a better extent, why I had to leave.

I'll keep looking for a replacement, of course, but I doubt that I'll be able to find one. I have an appointment with legal services next wednesday and I'm planning on writing the Beesons a "letter of intent" that states I'll look for a roomate for X period of time and after that I expect them to look and me to get my money back. If I feel really nice I'll leave them my last month's rent, and that will have them covered for me rent-wise until the end of june. More than enough time for them to look for a new renter. I REALLY want the rent back but I EXPECT the deposits back. I left the place cleaner than I found it, and I have removed my cat from the premesis. Otherwise, I just want to cut my losses and get OUT of the place.

Chase seems REALLY nice. Quiet, private, personal, safe. Granted, it is a bit farther from campus (I walked this morning to time it), but not by much.

Whoo... well, I won't be updating much except from work, seeing as I don't have high-speed at home right now. I'll work on getting that set up soon, however! At least my computer is good for something. Last night we set it up on the living-room floor and watched Zoolander while eating warm brownies with vanilla ice cream. Mmmmm. Zoolander was great. I HIGHLY recommend it, for anyone who hasn't seen it. It's not only STUPID but actually FUNNY, so I guess that makes it CLEVER. It was also really random and dark in places... but overall it was totally original and really great slapstick. Believe me, I usually don't like movies like this... but it was great. And kind of scary that David Duchovny plays a fat scrubby groundskeeper. Guh.

Anyway, I must catch up on the homework I neglected this weekend... I'm off!

If Reilly Were a Handyman
Thank you so much, cc.... This had Justin and I cracking up. It's our last night here and I don't care if I keep ol' redneck awake.

I am glad, however, that he's not like this. Thank you GOD!

Wet & Hot
Ugh... mowing the lawn sucks my balls. Especially... because I have to mow the damn soggy yard with a push mower and then rake it.

What Really Matters
Wow, I just had a rather phenomenal self-realization. I was talking to Murray about the disappointment of school and the guilt associated with classwork. Of course, either of those can be justified by saying "it doesn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things." Murray replied to me, "Of course, nothing matters in the grand scheme of things if you think about it." True? To an extent, I would say yes... but that didn't stop me from writing, without thinking about how curious it was, "I think interpersonal relationships matter a lot."

Why is this strange? Of course they matter a lot... Our self-confidence, well-being, acceptance, procreation and rememberance depends upon our relationships with others. In the human psychological and biological realm, that is to say almost everything depends upon them. Well, except the soul, if you believe in it... and that, I suppose is purely independent and the ONLY thing that matters in the grand scheme of things (thus negating the importance of personal relationsips). But, excepting that... relationships are everything and there's nothing like your average human being (you, me, Joe Ugly) to fuck them royally up. Why do we do this despite our supposed inferrence of their importance? I dunno... that's the question... that's the curiosity.

I may be an extroverted person, but I'm a loner. Like most intelligent and not-overly bubbly people, I have a tendendency to dwell on things and I don't make friends easily. In fact, when I do, I can be trite, stupid, sensitive and sometimes evil. When someone gets close I push them away. We call this, yes, the hedgehog's dillemma... something I coined even before I saw Evangelion. It surprises me very much that I said this thing about relationships without thinking. Usually I'm content in my solitude but now I know... I'm not really alone. If I were, I couldn't have said that. If I didn't love and need people, I would be incomplete. I just have trouble consciously acknowleding this. I have an easier time breaking someone I love in half than telling them I need them.

I like to say I don't need anyone.

I don't like to know I'm wrong.

But, somehow, this knowing feels good...

The Good News
The good news is that I got the Florida pictures from Justin, so look forward to finally seeing the story sometime next week!

Also, after watching Dance Dance Revolution in the Break for the past 2 weeks (I didn't even know it was there before that); I've decided there's no reason why I shouldn't try it. Heh heh...

I'm a driver/ I'm a winner/ Things are gonna change/ I can feel it...
Beck- I'm a Loser Baby

Signed, Sealed, and Stamped
Well, it's official now. Justin and I have a new address at Chase Village. All credit is cleared and checks are cashed -except for the application fees which they are nicely holding due to the fact that they cashed the $250 move-in fee sooner than I expected and took me down to the bare bones of my checking account. I'm taking donations for my poor-ness... but I should be OK until tomorrow when Justin writes me some phat checks to take care of all of the fees I covered for him.

Yesterday I spent most of the day on the phone, transferring all the bills in my name over to the new place. It was so great, having to cancel everything. It's somewhat scary to consider that since everything is in my name, it's part of my "credit." It makes me glad we've been paying on time. It's also funny to watch Reilly, who has no checking account even and expects roomates to accept cash in return for writing a check FOR him, because he's hesitant to put his name on any accounts. It's like he's a criminal or something. So I'll laugh come monday if he hasn't turned the power on... or gotten phone service (he has no phone anyway) or garbage.... in a month. I doubt he'll do anything for a while. I didn't tell him there's a $150 deposit on new EWEB accounts. But he does know that when I leave he won't have a single stick of kitchen furniture, utensils, or utilities left. Microwave is mine, table and chairs are mine, pots and pans are mine, all silverware and spices are mine... EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE DAMN SINK, LITERALLY. I get so much satisfaction out of this...

I told August about needing to hold my room so I can rent it out. It really is a huge asset to me. (The deal is that I'm in the master bedroom right now and when I leave I want him to refrain from taking it when he moves in because it's still technically "my room" because I'm still under lease... and it's the MASTER BEDROOM which is a huge asset for renting it out) He says he understands but I'm sure he's disappointed. In any case, the landlords know about my plans, and I am keeping some stuff in there just to "mark" it mine.

Now all that's left to do are two things: One, get this and next month's bills paid. Ty is mailing me a check today and if he doesn't, I'll cut off his balls. And Reilly will give me cash or money orders before this weekend. I'd write a check for him, but I ran out of checks yesterday. I'll have to give cash (if that's what he does) to Justin or someone else to have them write a check for me... I won't get new checks for another week. Because all the bills are in my name and I changed the address, they'll send me the last bills for the Kincaid house separate from the starting bills at Chase. Reilly and I will split these.

The second thing is, of course, finding someone to take over my lease. This is scary, I guess... but I have 3 weeks before I take alternate action and get Legal Services involved. Kim was stupid when she moved out... but I will NOT pay rent for a place I'm not living. The only think that I WILL allow to happen is them absorbing my deposits, and that's worst case scenario. I have fliers up everywhere and a few people interested so hopefully we won't even have to get into legal issues. But they won't screw me over...

I'm off to psychology class. Mata ne!

For your Enjoyment

Look, everyone, Look, Look!! It's a picture of Justin Biking Into the Everglades!

Yes 'into' as in INTO the swamp. We were on a 14-mile bike loop through the Everglades in Florida... lots of gators... I biked around this little enclave and Justin followed me, except he was a retard and kept going right off the edge. Forgot that those phat bikes make you backpedal to break, hon? I just thought it was hilarious because before this happened we kept joking that people must have biked off into the slough on numerous occasions. So I snapped this pic as he hauled himself out of the mud. He blames me, of course...

As you can see, he's saying "oh no you DON'T, girlfriend!" Or something...

This next pic is non-sequitor... but amusing, nonetheless. Blake, I think you might enjoy this one. That is one badASS l33t ninja bunny.

Yes, that IS my final answer...
Okay. I need to wind down somehow... otherwise my mind will not allow me to do homework. So, here I am, taking nice... deep breaths... breathe in... breathe out... breathe in....

AAAAAAAAHH!

err... gomen .... too much pent-upped-ness. [and I even just got back from the gym] So much STUFF is going on now.

I'm moving this weekend, for those of you who didn't know, to Chase Village over by Autzen stadium. Come stalk me, if you must... I may be lonely. It will be a few weeks before Justin joins me in our apartment but he WILL be coming (oh yes, yes he will) because he just got accepted to grad school. Congratulations, Mr. Spartypants Chemistry-man! But I still hate him because he STILL has a weblog and won't tell me where it is and I CAN'T FIND IT. *grumble*

Anyway, for the uninitiated, moving sucks. I have to transfer all the billing accounts and get all my shit together. That's NOT what makes me ancy, though. What DOES is that I'm leaving (and getting much satisfaction by screwing over Reilly) but I haven't *quite* gotten a replacement yet. This ass-raped Kim... but I seem to be a better salesperson. My concern really isn't finding someone; I THINK I'll be able to do that, or legal services should be able to successfully persuade the Beesons to let me out of my lease. My concern IS that I want to use my room in the house for leverage while looking for a tenant. Because I'm in the master bedroom, easily the nicest room in the house, this shouldn't be a BIG issue. However, since I'm leaving... I may have problems convincing Reilly and August (who's moving in) from trying to take it over. Because I've pre-paid the "last month's" rent, I'm technically a tenant through next month, so I can keep stuff here for as long as it takes. I think I'll keep ENOUGH stuff that I make my point that the room is still MINE... Hopefully this will work.

I just can't live here any longer. Reilly's a pretty nice guy, for being dumb as a house, but he's messy and loud and it makes me itch when he touches my stuff (pretty much everything in the house). So... I'm going! LA LA LA LA LA.... wish me luck finding better and brighter times.

Now that's all said, I think I can get my homework started. Mata ne.

Censor this, Bitches!
Remember when I wrote the rant on homosexual persecution and I said "few things piss me off more..."? Well, here's THE ONE THING that pisses me off THE MOST manifesting in our own FUCKING university.

Eta.cs.uoregon.edu has been unofficially and unceremoniously removed from the University's Servers. This unannounced closing of the page was due to some whiny little pussy complaining about the site's language to her CS prof, who promptly took it down. Welcome to the land of facism, folks.

Yeah, I understand the limitations of posting on a University server. No pornography, no bomb-recipes, etc, etc. But give me a FUCKING break, here!! Eta's forums weren't just about counterstrike, no; recently they've taken political and controversial turns in their subject matter. Some people have been pissed off about others expressing their views and expressed their frustration with "bad language." It happens most every time the rednecks post. But, I don't blame them, entirely AND, while I think strong anguage is no appropriate to discussions, I DO NOT IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE THINK IT SHOULD BE CENSORED.

Isn't college supposed to foster diversity and the exchange of ideas? To expand us rather than limit us? Aren't we here to talk about STUFF? Maybe you should take a look at what was being SAID in the Eta forums instead of doing a hunt-and-peck search for buzz-words, you hypocritical fucks! Did you even read it? See what was being discussed? Did you look at how we were trying to get the "potty-mouths" to shut the hell up so we could continue talking? I'm guessing NOT. You probably saw how someone stupid told another person to "STFU" and called it good. Well, thanks. I hope it makes you feel smart and powerful. I wont say any names, either, but I know which one you are. And tell me if it doesn't make you feel a little guilty for shutting down a forum where most of your fellow CC employees convened. Not guilt? Satisfaction maybe? I wonder...

There's the core issue here. I don't care about UO policy, this is fucking ridiculous. Whatever university policy is in state, we do have a goddam constitution here that grants us, as adults, freedom of speech. Blow me, Computing Center! It makes me sad to have worked for you! I laughed when you banned people's IPs for downloading copyrighted porn, but now you've hit where it hurts.

I don't understand why Eta was taken down. Granted, it's hosted somewhere else now... but the principality of the action defies me. People at this school need to start pushing the envelope. Don't put up with this shit... it's unwarranted and it's ridiculous.

I don't wanna talk myself up, but this makes me one VERY ANGRY JOURNALIST. Take this page down, assholes! See what it gets you!

P.S. Your mom! Boobies! Lesbian midgets! And other controversial shit! Neener Neener! Bite me!

Hippie Bus
There's a real, live, hippie bus parked down the street on 24th! It's like a silver twinkie tour bus and the destination says "heaven." The liscence plate says something funny, too, but I can't remember what. The mirror is all decked out with leis and the hippes were loading it up with Fresh groceries from Sundance. They must be on a country-wide road trip. How I wish I were along!!

New Sister sites.... take a look at:
Cognizance (Psych Journal- HC 209)
The Intellectual Otaku (Cinema Oshii Journal- JPN 410/510)

Have a Nice Day....
Happy Anniversary, Justin!!
Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a LONG time. I've been away from the house pretty much until now, so I haven't had time to recollect my thoughts. But now it's time to reflect and get the homework/ errands done.

I suppose the goodness of the weekend started on Friday with the Japanese potluck. The food was good and it was fun to see people from class. Richard and Adam invited me over to their place on 34th for a "birthday" party they were having for Katie Callahan, one of the girls I know from the dorms last year. So I got a ride with them, only slightly concerned that I would have trouble getting home later, as I didn't plan on staying sober. Actually, I decided not to drink because I'd eaten so much good food, but I did smoke a rather copious amount of weed, which I think I'm beginning to prefer over alcohol. Anyway, all they had to drink was BAD beer.... I would have thrown up after two just due to the foul taste. The party itself was rather uneventful, except for some drama between Patrick and Jade that I would rather not have empathically picked up on, being stoned and super-sensitive to other people's emotions. It makes me think too much... and hurting when you're that philosophical is kind of a downward spiral. I managed to escape them for the most part and sort of kept to the circles and the couches where people were hanging out so I could watch and listen, which I was very content to do and didn't feel awkward about as I do when I'm sober. (i.e. not misplaced at all) I was pretty relaxed and had a good time talking to people... watching the comedy of drunks and people stoned off their gourd from doing gravity bong hits (which I didn't care to do). After a while, I was a little worried about getting home, since some of the Kincaid st people said that their safride van was full, but I managed to pull a ride with someone's DD before their van even got to the house. I ended up not feeling left out. Got home around 2 and crashed... it was a grand success, mostly because I didn't plan to go to either the potluck or the party and didn't have time to complain when I was swept away. A very satisfying feeling and one that was continued in the actions of Saturday.

Satruday morning I got up late and lazily and went to the Saturday Market on it's first day open. I'd planned just to go with Cat but Murray ended up coming along. It was a nice setup at the market with some new booths and old favorites. A new place with Garb, Wolf Pup! Though it's not as quality as the other lady... it's more synthetic. But this woman does mostly dresses and some are REALLY pretty. I was sad to learn that the lady who made the puzzle-rings has apparently passed away. It's too bad because I really did like her jewlery and always kind of wanted to get a ring. I picked up a gift for Justin, because it's our TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY today (wahoo!)!!! And then we milled around some of the other shops outside of the market and wandered into The Cat's Meow, some antique dealer, Oregon Art Supply and Antrican (where I bought some insence). Finally, we wandered all the way down 13th, back to campus, near where I picked up the last surprise.

Justin, you will be most pleased with both surprises, but I feel the need to share one with the general public. Now, I expect you to refrain from looking at the post I link to below here based on your desire to remain surprised until Friday, when I give you your surprises. I know you can do it!!! I just want to tell everyone ELSE right NOW ; )

This is my equivalent of your leaving the black ring box on the dresser in Palm Beach for me to ogle for a week. I didn't look. Can you do the same? This is NOT a PRIVATE post so everyone feel free to read it, I'm just keeping it from him. ; )

With the advent of the second surprise, the day took a rather unusually spontaneous and zen turn. I'm excited about this, even though it was unexpected.

Please refrain from commenting on the above link so that it stays a secret... comment internal to the post, if you must. (I'll try to set it up)

Anyway, after that I was pretty giddy and hung out with Cat and Murray some more. We had dinner at "Grab a Ho" and then I went to the gym. I finally got in touch with Charles, after trying to reach him all day. We got together after I worked out and went for coffee with one of the most annoying, persistant, and pathetic girls I've ever met. She's basically using poor Charles as a wall off which to bounce her disfunctional life, and doesn't listen to any advice that he gives her. We FINALLY got rid of her and watched some Trigun while I basked in the glow of a Saturday well done. Tired and satisfied, I called Saferide for the first time, and they drove me home. How simple!

I crashed at around 3 last night and I'm DAMN tired today. But, instead of loafing around I went out to be moral support for Murray as he got his ears pierced and then he and I read books for class and had many interesting conversation tidbits outside of the library.

It was a good feeling, that. One of the mutual search for and sharing of knowledge. It was a comfort to read with someone and talk intermittantly about whatever crossed my mind. It's a glorious sunny day and I really felt like an intellectual, reading scientific philosophy and talking about life, dreams, sex, and humanity in general. The feeling was the idealization of my college dream.... sitting, thinking, being taken seriously, and knowing that you're discovering something about yourself and bonding with someone else simultaneously. Thanks, Murray-san!!

This has been a GREAT weekend. Special thanks to Cat, Charles, Murray, McCracken-san and anyone else I'm forgetting. May you all be blessed and joyous!

And thank you SO much, Wolf Pup, for getting home from St. John safely. I miss you, and the last two years have been IN-fucking-credible. Here's to more!!

Download the SoTM: Streophonics- Have a Nice Day

Grey Skies
Hm... interesting feeling today. Things feel new and somehow old.

The apartment is a 2bedroom, 2bath place in Chase. It's 2nd floor with vaulted ceilings, balcony, and fireplace. It's on the little mini "arb" so Rupert can have some place to play. Two people came by to see my room last night. Of course all want the master bedroom... They already called the Beesons and are being mailed applications. I'm hopeing someone has secured a lease by next weekend so I can move out without the fear that Kim or Ty will move someone in to the master bedroom while I'm not looking. If not, I may move partially out and leave some stuff in the house. The only problem with that is that I'll have to enlist the help of someone down here to help me move the rest of my stuff when the person finally does move in. Confusing da na....

Justus-san's blog has taken on another Kat-esque rant. I'm proud to be an inspiration... or a pain in the ass, or a template... or something.

Today I'm going to interview Megan Hughes about the lack of a Housing Code in Eugene. I'm writing a feature on the crappiness of the housing in this city. Did you know we're the largest city on the west coast without a housing code? We only have a "landlord/ tenant agreement." This means that you can be charged to live in property that should be condemned. I'm still not sure I care, since I can afford to live someplace decent. But I guess I feel bad for everyone in the "student ghetto." Here's to writing for a god cause- my first feature story. Mebby it will be cover. : )

I think I might go to the Japanese Potluck over at Spencer View tonight. It's by my house and there's free Japanese food! ^^ It should be fun, I guess... even though my stomach's been weird since Sushi with Murray the other night. It must be the excitement. Now I feel mellow, though, and decidedly LESS than philosophical. *sighs* Oh well. I'll write something interesting later, I promise.

Home
Yesterday I secured a 2 bedroom apartment at Chase Village for Justin and I. Now all I can do is pray. Please, God, let this moving out thing resolve in my favor soon.

Bugs
UGH. There are sugar ants in my cupboard. They're little and harmless but when they lick things, they make them taste funny. Ick.

And I had a dream last night where my room was invaded by GROSS hordes of flying ants! Waaahhhh......

************
Question: What does one do with 30 tiny diamonds and 25 little saphires? Pretty treasure....

The Nature of The Act
What if there were fate and there were destiny... but not in the highly-romanticized way we think of it? Imagine a world wherein exists the construct of free-will and even the belief in it, but no ability to perform any action freely. What is this world? Maybe it's our own...

We act as biological organisms in a biological world. We are neurons firing over synapeses. We are cells and chemicals and electrons. We are action and reaction all within the scope of molecularly determined reactions. Within the scope of this realm, we are nothing more than formulae. With this in mind, it can be said that if one built a computer big enough, and smart enough to compute all these scientific equations and reactions that make up life... there would be a way to prove and predetermine ever action that has taken place and will take place; literally, to see the future. In this world, there is no room for the concept of idea and art, for the belief in a higher power and for love and enlightenment. There is only a series of reasons. In this world, we do what we do because it is all we CAN do as a chemical mass. To say that I have come to a crossroads and taken one path because it seemed right or logical or it made me feel good is incorrect. I chose as I did because it was the only think I could do, even if it appears differently in hindsight.

Imagine, then, a Universe forever expanding and contracting. If this Universe expands and contracts under the same set of conditions, as we can assume it does in this great Computer (which I find more difficult to believe) then each and every equation will play out eternally. Then, not only do we live through predertermined sets of cause-and-effect but we are also "fated" (doomed?) to live these actions over and over and over again... forever... never learning from them, never changing. We are eternal, we are constant... we are... ... ... .. . . . .

Is this depressing or comforting? In a way, I want to believe it, I want to justify my actions and betray my "soul" to the nature of the act. I want to believe in the mistakes I've made and remit them as biological choices. I also want to live knowing I have made the right choices. Just thinking of this theory makes me want to better my actions, so that I live with an eternally pure conscience, as if conscience matters in this paradigm. I want to wake up tomorrow and do things right. But can I? Does knowing that I do only what I must make it any easier to do the right thing? Does believing in this theory change ANYthing? I would venture to guess not.

So then it becomes more depressing. What hope is there for salvation, for learning from experience and transcending it if we cannot say we have done the wrong thing? (inasmuch as we cannot say we're done the right thing...) How can a murderer repent when he believes there was no other course for his actions? What is the point in searching for soul or questing for dreams if they lead nowhere but paths to synapses? What, then, is love, is god, is art, is mercy, is bliss?

This is not the fate or reincarnation that I want to believe in. Nor was it something I even frequently thought about, though the idea had been proposed to me previously. I generally waver between realist/ idealist when it comes to my belief in destiny, synchronicity, and "red strings." I follow the path of dreams, but it leads me away from the Periodic Table of Elements and into a greater realm free of all physical constraints, where matter is light and light sings. This is what I seek.

I seek to understand why I do what I do. Why the past matters to the present and the future. I refuse to believe my actions are a product of my simple, scientific reactions. I see them as an attempt to better understand place, context, and unity. I seek to find the ultimate expression of self. To understand why the world matters to me. To know emotion. I believe that I matter.

I do seek to become One... with something greater.

Why does this theory then plague me? It was drilled into my brain during a conversation with Eddie, a membre of one of the UO frats, during a brief stint on a Horizon Air flight from Eugene to Seattle. Eddie had much to say on the subject, for an Animist and a Pantheist. We had a great series of conversations in that hour. This, among others, struck me to the extent that it has stayed with me for days. I am haunted by this idea. It is tempting. It is both too easy and too difficult. It is against everything that I am but it somehow comforts me. It touches the edges of epiphany.

That's why I can't dismiss it so easily. That's why I present it here, in all its ludicrious glory... it takes its place among the greek columns that represent my glorious and cliche dream of and eternal essence. It is a black monolith in a hall of white majesty. It is deliciously obscene.

___________________
God, and to think that 15 minutes ago I was falling asleep reading Darwin. Sheesh. I thought my brain was done for the night but nooooooo. Could we go to bed without posting? Bah. I love words: Give me water and I shall make wine. That said, now I can rest. Thank you, Eddie, you have successfully disproven any notion I may have had about the Animal House frat guys. Rest well, wherever you are.

RENT
Well, it looks like we're back to looking for Singles again at the house. The stupid landlords finally realized that finding a group of 2 or 3 is ridiculous.

It makes it easy on me, since I can offer the master bedroom as leverage. Anyway, if any of you know someone in the Eugene area looking for a place to live, I've got one for them

Goes to show you, never live with people you don't know.

Spring is for New Beginnings
Yes, folks. It is Spring out there. In all its glory!!

There's that feeling in the air of fertility in its purest essence, of a clean slate and new blossoms. Yesterday evening I went for a twilight run around Amazon Park and let the air into my lungs. It was marvelous.

I Dreamed again. For the first time in a while. But this time it didn't leave me sad. I Dreamed a kind of euphoric, lauging, dancing, spinning happiness that is so hard to find in waking life. A Shared happiness and ultimate equality and acquiesence. I dreamed bliss and joy, and when I woke I wasn't disappointed.

I have come home to the same life I left, but the air breathes serenity. The same things threaten me, but I am stronger. I lead the same life, but in sunlight.

Starting Winter term was much a different experience. Even though the break was longer, I came home dejected and filled with self-hate and self-doubt. I wasn't ready to face my life. I was filled with fear. That fear has left me with the coming of the sun.

I want that untempered laughter and unbounded love from the Dream in my life. It is not an unattainable thing. When I woke this morning I wasn't left with an empty search; there was some of that beauty inside me and there is some of it still, in every blossom.