Kat bin Laden?
I'm not of middle-eastern descent. I don't have religious extremest tendencies. I'm cautious in the things I say around airport security. I am, nonetheless, a total idiot. On the way up from Eugene this weekend the airport security did everything but give me an anal probe... and because my bag was searched by a trainee and a menopausal bitch, they wouldn't tell me what in my belongings was suspicious enough to warrant search. This morning, coming out of Seattle (I knew I should have checked my bag...) it was the same thing. "Whose green backpack is this?" "mine... grumble" "Mind if we systematically manhandle your belongings, sniff your underwear and laugh at you for carrying a 'personal massager'?? etc etc..." (none of which they did or I was carrying... thankfully)

Well, fuck yes I mind and my flight is boarding in five minutes but I'd rather shut up and let you do your thing than be kept from my flight for making sarcastic comments. *sigh*

Anyway, so they took all the shit out of my backpack *again* but this time the searcher was a nice lady who talked to me while she swabbed my shoes and my bag for bomb residue. I asked her to please tell me what the suspicious items were so that I could refrain from packing them in the future. She told me there were two groups of them, one in the front pocket and one in the back. I wondered at what was in the back pocket because they didn't even open those on the way up from Eugene. They did, however, on the way up, open my toiletries bag and SNIFF every liquid in every bottle but didn't touch the sea salt baggie (for mixing solution to clean my bellybutton) which looks a LOT like some crack cocaine. I wondered if this time they were going into the back pocket to look at the vials and pipettes that Justin and I lifted from the Seattle University lab this morning. {I forgot to mention that in my last visit to the Kincaid house there was a lab bottle labled 100% EtOH (ethanol... pure alcohol) which, aside from being HIGHLY illegal to own without liscence would have to have been stolen from the U by August, a biochem major. I grabbed pipettes to steal some samples from them and get them run in the lab here or by Justin. I'd feel bad using the Pot as grounds for eviction but I will use EtOH as evidence.}

In the front, they told me it was the group of pens and pencils resting at the bottom of my bag that they found suspicious. One of them has a mechanism to turn on a penlight and grouped with the others, it was "suspicious." (The woman made sure to correct me when I asked what looked suspicious and told me that nothing looked suspicious, something was suspicious.

In any case, it wasn't the rubber glove and equipment that they looked at. It was my god damn leatherman (mini) which I had forgotten was even in there and that they hadn't even found in Eugene. Much to my chagrin, they were going to throw it away. Thankfully, Justin as watching to make sure they didn't anal probe me (thought they did swab my shoes again) and I ferried it back over to him. My instrument of terror is now in his hands.

Why, oh, why, have I been "randomly" selected to be felt up every single time I have flown since Sept 11th? Do I fit the "suburban white gap girl" profile of a disgrtuntled american taliban spy? Do they just want to touch my boobies? ("Is it ok if I touch the small of your back?" "No, you fucking pervert, get off of me!") In all honesty, I've been pegged EVER SINCE sept 11th EXCEPT the time that I flew closest to the incident. Well, they did let me get on the plane from Eugene with a knife, corkscrew, and mini-tweezers. Even after they confiscated my leatherman, I wondered... wouldn't the pencils in my bag do more deep-stabbing damage than the leatherman? Guess I missed my chance to be a terrorist.