What Really Matters
Wow, I just had a rather phenomenal self-realization. I was talking to Murray about the disappointment of school and the guilt associated with classwork. Of course, either of those can be justified by saying "it doesn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things." Murray replied to me, "Of course, nothing matters in the grand scheme of things if you think about it." True? To an extent, I would say yes... but that didn't stop me from writing, without thinking about how curious it was, "I think interpersonal relationships matter a lot."

Why is this strange? Of course they matter a lot... Our self-confidence, well-being, acceptance, procreation and rememberance depends upon our relationships with others. In the human psychological and biological realm, that is to say almost everything depends upon them. Well, except the soul, if you believe in it... and that, I suppose is purely independent and the ONLY thing that matters in the grand scheme of things (thus negating the importance of personal relationsips). But, excepting that... relationships are everything and there's nothing like your average human being (you, me, Joe Ugly) to fuck them royally up. Why do we do this despite our supposed inferrence of their importance? I dunno... that's the question... that's the curiosity.

I may be an extroverted person, but I'm a loner. Like most intelligent and not-overly bubbly people, I have a tendendency to dwell on things and I don't make friends easily. In fact, when I do, I can be trite, stupid, sensitive and sometimes evil. When someone gets close I push them away. We call this, yes, the hedgehog's dillemma... something I coined even before I saw Evangelion. It surprises me very much that I said this thing about relationships without thinking. Usually I'm content in my solitude but now I know... I'm not really alone. If I were, I couldn't have said that. If I didn't love and need people, I would be incomplete. I just have trouble consciously acknowleding this. I have an easier time breaking someone I love in half than telling them I need them.

I like to say I don't need anyone.

I don't like to know I'm wrong.

But, somehow, this knowing feels good...