The Nature of The Act
What if there were fate and there were destiny... but not in the highly-romanticized way we think of it? Imagine a world wherein exists the construct of free-will and even the belief in it, but no ability to perform any action freely. What is this world? Maybe it's our own...

We act as biological organisms in a biological world. We are neurons firing over synapeses. We are cells and chemicals and electrons. We are action and reaction all within the scope of molecularly determined reactions. Within the scope of this realm, we are nothing more than formulae. With this in mind, it can be said that if one built a computer big enough, and smart enough to compute all these scientific equations and reactions that make up life... there would be a way to prove and predetermine ever action that has taken place and will take place; literally, to see the future. In this world, there is no room for the concept of idea and art, for the belief in a higher power and for love and enlightenment. There is only a series of reasons. In this world, we do what we do because it is all we CAN do as a chemical mass. To say that I have come to a crossroads and taken one path because it seemed right or logical or it made me feel good is incorrect. I chose as I did because it was the only think I could do, even if it appears differently in hindsight.

Imagine, then, a Universe forever expanding and contracting. If this Universe expands and contracts under the same set of conditions, as we can assume it does in this great Computer (which I find more difficult to believe) then each and every equation will play out eternally. Then, not only do we live through predertermined sets of cause-and-effect but we are also "fated" (doomed?) to live these actions over and over and over again... forever... never learning from them, never changing. We are eternal, we are constant... we are... ... ... .. . . . .

Is this depressing or comforting? In a way, I want to believe it, I want to justify my actions and betray my "soul" to the nature of the act. I want to believe in the mistakes I've made and remit them as biological choices. I also want to live knowing I have made the right choices. Just thinking of this theory makes me want to better my actions, so that I live with an eternally pure conscience, as if conscience matters in this paradigm. I want to wake up tomorrow and do things right. But can I? Does knowing that I do only what I must make it any easier to do the right thing? Does believing in this theory change ANYthing? I would venture to guess not.

So then it becomes more depressing. What hope is there for salvation, for learning from experience and transcending it if we cannot say we have done the wrong thing? (inasmuch as we cannot say we're done the right thing...) How can a murderer repent when he believes there was no other course for his actions? What is the point in searching for soul or questing for dreams if they lead nowhere but paths to synapses? What, then, is love, is god, is art, is mercy, is bliss?

This is not the fate or reincarnation that I want to believe in. Nor was it something I even frequently thought about, though the idea had been proposed to me previously. I generally waver between realist/ idealist when it comes to my belief in destiny, synchronicity, and "red strings." I follow the path of dreams, but it leads me away from the Periodic Table of Elements and into a greater realm free of all physical constraints, where matter is light and light sings. This is what I seek.

I seek to understand why I do what I do. Why the past matters to the present and the future. I refuse to believe my actions are a product of my simple, scientific reactions. I see them as an attempt to better understand place, context, and unity. I seek to find the ultimate expression of self. To understand why the world matters to me. To know emotion. I believe that I matter.

I do seek to become One... with something greater.

Why does this theory then plague me? It was drilled into my brain during a conversation with Eddie, a membre of one of the UO frats, during a brief stint on a Horizon Air flight from Eugene to Seattle. Eddie had much to say on the subject, for an Animist and a Pantheist. We had a great series of conversations in that hour. This, among others, struck me to the extent that it has stayed with me for days. I am haunted by this idea. It is tempting. It is both too easy and too difficult. It is against everything that I am but it somehow comforts me. It touches the edges of epiphany.

That's why I can't dismiss it so easily. That's why I present it here, in all its ludicrious glory... it takes its place among the greek columns that represent my glorious and cliche dream of and eternal essence. It is a black monolith in a hall of white majesty. It is deliciously obscene.

___________________
God, and to think that 15 minutes ago I was falling asleep reading Darwin. Sheesh. I thought my brain was done for the night but nooooooo. Could we go to bed without posting? Bah. I love words: Give me water and I shall make wine. That said, now I can rest. Thank you, Eddie, you have successfully disproven any notion I may have had about the Animal House frat guys. Rest well, wherever you are.