Wedding Fever
Oh my wow.

Small chapel. Gorgeous dress. Beautiful music. Great menu. Amazing wine. Happy people. Sappy music.

Speeches. Smiles. Photos. Desserts. Champagne. Laughter. Nostalgia. Memories. Hope.

All the grace and kindness in the world. An incredibly great wedding. Even though I keep saying "thank you" (for the invitation, for the inclusion, for the experience, for the expensive food and wedding gifts), they keep thanking me for coming. You're kidding! As if it were a hassle?

Even the after-party was great. Meeting the entire Ito-family. Like I said, my host dad has 6 siblings and several brought spouses so it was quite the cozy gathering. I managed all right even though my language centers eventually failed. After an entire day of listening to Japanese I was no longer able to speak it. That there are so many words I do not and probably never will know both fascinates and frustrates me. Language is amazing.

But now, right now, oh, all I want to do is get married. This must be akin to the hormonal fury driven into women after they attend their friend's first baby shower. Between Katie and Dave's engagement announcement and this incredible wedding, I spent the whole day encased in a cloud of nupital dreams. I had to try really, really hard not to burst out crying (for what reason?!?!) at my host brother's wedding! I barely know the man (heck, he is cute)... but they both looked SO, so happy. So right.

*blissful sigh*

Grah! I wish I had the words to tell my family what it meant to me that they included me in all this. I wish they would stop thanking me for coming with them... it only embarrasses and further indebts me. But ahh, that's Japanese culture for you!

Now, it's back to the drawing board. Another week through which to slog... another weekend waiting at the end.

***ANNOUNCEMENT: I've just recieved word from Eugene that my good friends Katie and Dave have gotten engaged and plan to marry next summer. OMEDEITO GOZAIMASU!!!****

Bonne Chance
Today is the luckiest day of the Japanese calendar. Why, I don't know. My host brother and his fiancee, although she is Christian and although the "Wedding Season" is over, having chosen this day to be married.

The ceremony is from 2:30 at the Grand Hyatt Tokyo in Roppongi Hills. I'm heading off there myself after I do a bit of studying and a bigger bit of primping. I ate a big bowl of American oatmeal this morning to keep me until the after-party where I'll get to meet allllllll the family (except my host dad's ex-pat brother who lives in Sweden with a Swedish wife.. hee hee). I'm going to spend the whole day trying to make good impressions on people and not feel like an idiot in my Japanese. The merry eating and drinking will help a bit, I'm sure.

I know I'm not supposed to go shopping since I'm on a budget but I picked up a few things to replace old and stained dress clothes. [$13 and $15 respectively for a cream colored ribbed merino turtleneck and while cardigan] But yeah, I think I did pretty well for myself. I have to budget for small Christmas gifts for the host family and start deciding what kind of Winter coat I want to buy. UNIQLO has fluffy coats for fiddy bucks... and I bet they'd be sufficient except that I worry about their warmth and quality for "only" $50. Does this mean I'm a yuppie for real now?

I've seen other, nicer coats at the other, nicer department stores that of course my brain prefers even though they cost like three times as much. Eghk, me and my "in excess" tastes. I just don't want to freeze my ass off when I go to Hokkaido with Justin. There's probably no helping that though... it is Hokkaido after all.

Yay!

My Self Esteem: Your Money
Fair trade?

Now, if I wanted to get paid a LOT MORE to take Japanese men on dates...

ESCORT AGENCY SEEKS Western women in 20s in Tokyo. Very lucrative. Inexperienced welcome. Please call/leave message at 090-1264-6171 for information and interview. No need to come to the office to work. Confidentiality guaranteed.

Eheh... heh... well. Yeah. Not gonna happen. It's funny to think that there is that option, even if I would never take it.

Shine: The Ginza
In Shinjuku station at night, the men lay down their bedding in the station, one beside the other in makeshift cardboard cubicles. They suffer in the cold because they have no home. Some of them even have no shoes, their feet wrapped in rags and their skin grey an calloused. Yet here they never ask for money, food, or help. They exist simply as they are and wherever they are, taking run of the parks and public spaces because nothing else can be done.

But in the Ginza, it seems there is none of that. Everything shines with the glizt and glamour of name brands and cash flow. The streets are wide and the sky is open. To me, Ginza screams "America" and it screams "affluent" so much that the name "Ginza" simply isn't enough but I instead call it "The Ginza."








Ironically, tonight we went to the Ginza to give thanks and celebrate the sad remains of an American tradition we've brought with us. I say "sad remains" not because I'm not thankful (I have so much to be thankful for!) and not because I don't feel nostalgic (o turkey! o stuffing!) but because I've never particularly liked the gluttony of the Thanksgiving feast. I *like* it, you know, but it pains me... especially when others have so little. Next year I'm going to fast on Thanksgiving and make a huge meal just for the homeless.

This year's dinner was ridiculous. The combined indulgence of it being a free feast, an all-you-can-eat buffet AND Thanksgiving dinner prompted some of the most obscene overeating I've ever SEEN. You think you binged this year? Think again, my ryuugakusei friends have surely topped you. *I* even probably topped you. But... I came to the dinner with the fear that I would eat too much and look bad in front of others... I left KNOWING I ate too much but only because the group had developed the mentality of starving wolves and turned the whole thing into a "how much CAN you eat" game. I frighten myself... I had two whole plates of food, two salads and two plates of dessert. Afterwards, I hurt. I thought I might throw up. But what scared me even more (but reassured me at the same time) was that other people ate far, far more.

Ta-ran ta-rah.... Rome will fall.

Reinier and I played "yuppie" after and went for a walking tour of the Ginza. (You must say this with a "haughty" accent, by the way.) As bo-nen-kai season has officially begun, we say plenty of happily drunk businessmen, including later one poor fellow who was the most (pardon my french) shitfaced individual I have ever laid eyes on. As we watched, he spent five minutes harrassing a cab driver before slamming himself repeatedly into a closed kiosk, spinning in circles and passing out on the sidewalk. Wow.

Watching this might have been enough to bring me down, had not something already happened to restore a bit of my hope in the nature of the world. As Ren-san and I were browsing, I took out my camera to capture a bit of Ginza. Ginza is an excessively "foncy" place, with every sort of various botique and restaurant all decked out in glitz and glam... thus a perfect and popular place to take a date. As a result of this, the streets are lined with flower vendors where all the men gather to purchase bouquets for their sweethearts or potential dates.

I stopped to take a picture of one hole-in-the-wall rose shop. The store owner noticed me squatting in front of the display, even though I was trying to keep unseen, and came out to greet us. I thought she might tell me to stop taking pictures but instead she invited us in and told us to take our time and to please take more pictures. (All this in Japanese.) She was so sweet, so welcoming and so talkative that I felt completely comfortable chatting in Japanese with her and didn't even need Reinier's help. Then, suddenly, for no reason at all, she gave he and I each a single, deep-red, long-stemmed rose as a "present." I promised her I would email copies of the photos I've taken.











Ren-san and I walked through the Ginza for a while longer, until my feet started to hurt in my boots. Because the rose-lady had asked, we realized we did look like a cute gaijin couple, especially clutching our roses and meandering eagerly from streetcorner to streetcorner looking at everything from Tokyo's first, soon-to-open (Sunday!) Apple Store and the Nissan showroom.








I think Ginza is the Christmas street I see myself on. What this says about my tastes and my habits I'm not sure but I am happily aware that I really enjoy that area of Tokyo. Would that I had the affluence to shop myself at Burberry... or at least the body to see myself in one of their ads. Of course, neither of these "dreams" are really great aspirations of mine and I find them, in some ways quite repulsive. But from time to time it's nice to think about such meanigless, appealing wealth and beauty and wonder about the lifestyle it accompanies.

I'm surrounded by them
Idiots. They're everywhere on this great, round world.

Certainly, sometimes when I see someone do something different than I would call "normal," something that makes me go "Uhhhh....", I'm experiencing what you'd call "Culture Shock." But really, sometimes, I see people do things that make me go "Uhhhh" and it's just because they're fucking stupid.

Particularly members of the fairer sex. Every country has its share of ditzes and bimbos. Japan more than others?

Take, for example, the pair that came into the gym today while I was on the stairclimber. In full street-clothes, they entered the training room and proceeded to work out. Please note that because this is Japan, by "street clothes," I mean one was wearing tight jeans and calf-high leather pointy-toed elf shoes. The other was wearing-- get this-- a short wool skirt and soft-leather, zip-up, 3-inch stiletto heeled boots. They were both wearing heavy sweaters.

The pair walked over to the treadmill like they would every day, got on each their own and proceeded to walk... then run like they were completing a normal workout. Of course, the running didn't last long but it was long enough for me to shoot them some REALLY OBVIOUS dirty looks for being such morons. Not only is their choice of clothing bad for the body to work out in, it rather quickly destroys EXTREMELY expensive (if crappy at the Waseda gym) equipment.

But did anyone stop them? Nooooooo. And when I got done with situps and noticed they were gone, it was only because they'd progressed to sitting in the weight machines and "lifting."

Fu.ck.ing. I.di.ots.

Why, world, do you make such obnoxiously obtuse human beings??????

AAAAGGGHHHH.

it's that time again...
Starting now, it's the season of Bo-nen-kai or Year-End Parties. Because New Years is just about the biggest holiday in Japan, the Japanese throw just about ninety-five billion parties from Late November until January to celebrate. My host dad is going to his first party tonight and I think he was practicing last night because I saw him consume almost an entire bottle of wine by himself and then top it off with a beer. The man showed absolutely no signs of being drunk other than laughing more than normal.

Well, I'm impressed.

I have at least four Bo-nen-kai on my list. One with fellow Waseda students. One with the Shibuya goverment folks. One just for the sake of clubbing. One because... well... I'm sure there will be another party ON New Years regardless of *where* I am.

Woohoo!

Whips and Chains
Computer industry asked to refrain from further use of the terms Master and Slave. Brought to you by the real CNN.com.

Christ, what's next? Reparations for the companies whose poor, demeaned hard drives and CD drives have for generations been confined to servitude?!?!?! O THE HUMANITY!!!!

death count
Funny how it only ever takes a few words to make me feel really depressed. I don't like night-time much... I never have. All the drinking and dancing and meaningless chatter. I sit in my room quiet these days, hunched over my studying, not really concentrating, becoming more and more tense until the muscles of my back are one immoveable knot. I can't sleep because by the time I want to go to bed comes around, I'm too wound up. And as another hour or two passes, I simply wind up more as the emotion spirals down until I can't sleep at all. Like I said, I'm not lonely. It's something else but it's still not right. I'm not lonely because there are so many other people here feeling the same way. And many people feel much, much worse. I know because I've seen the numbers...

EveryDay
So, what's a typical day in Japan like for me? Let's use today as an example of exactly what the random, weird, stressful sensory assault is like EVERY SINGLE DAY. Because today was my day off I had a bit more time to "notice" things and a bit more time for things to notice me. Here is the end result. Forgive the tense changes and stream-of-consciousness writing. Keep reading, even if it gets boring at times; I promise it's all worth it.

**************

10AM: Took bus to Shinjuku and on the way noticed that no one was waiting in front of the Pachinko parlor prior to opening today. Wondered why.

Went running at Imperial Palace of all places. Couldn't find the people I was supposed to meet even though I later got notice that he/they waited 1/2 hour at the place I looked for them. WTF? Ran 5K by myself at an enjoyable place.

Rode the exact same train and stood in the exact same place there and back... the whole time was morbidly fascinated by an ad featuring ingredients of oden, a Japanese fish by-product soup that disgusts me. Thought about our group bento yesterday and the one onigiri (rice ball) that no one seemed able to eat. It was called tarako and inside of the rice and nori (seaweed) was a strange, awful eggsac that somehow the Japanese find delicious. Now, I'm NOT a picky eater. I have no problem with flying fish roe, salmon roe or even uni (Sea Urchin gonads) used in sushi. But this... this was like the egg-sac of DEATH. If BALONEY were a living reptile, this would be its sac. Sickly pink and with an outside delicately veined, the tiny eggs inside have the consistency of rough, squishy sand and taste like... well, salty, fishy, wet baloney. RETCH.

Everyone stared at me because I was wearing running leggings in public. What the heck am I supposed to do... change at the train station and use a locker when I can just as easily walk around (fully clothed!) in workout clothes??? Please.

12PM: Did laundry. Calculated finances. With hours of English work totaling $40/hour equivalent, $200 research assistant job, other odd jobs and Christmas money/ the grace of God, I should have enough income.

2PM: Went to Waseda campus. On the way there, noted for the billionth time the shop called Hobbit between Shinjuku and Shin-ookubo along the Yamanote track. What does it sell? Foot hair remover?

From Baba took the bus to campus because I was tired after run. Some store near the station is having its "GRAND OPEN" and the entire building front is covered with a sign topped by the letters "GOD." Huh? Also laughed again, for the millionth time, at the store that bills itself as "Fruit and Tobacco." Yes. They actually sell... fruit... and cigarettes. Mmm.... tomacco....

3PM: English lesson. Had coffee again to wake me up. Developing a caffiene dependency. Not good for my arrythmia. Talked about random topics with group until we settled on speaking about the juvenile criminal justice system differences in Japan and the US. Strange and depressing conversation again... seems that the older gentleman in the group likes to domineer and steer the conversation toward law, government and political controversy. Blah. Made my money. Left to go to the gym.

4:30PM: 15 minutes on the bike but was too hungry to lift weights immediately so went upstairs to the 7-11 and got a "Sea Chicken" (tuna, duh) onigiri. Again, you'd think that people had never seen a woman in workout clothes even though the gym is in the SAME BUILDING. Christ. All the MEN wear shorts... grossly tight and small even... but the girls ALWAYS wear pants and NEVER show their shoulders in spaghetti-strap tank tops. Aren't we liberated here?

6:30PM: Left the gym. Told by woman at desk that my legs were "sooooo long" (in Japanese) and that I was "kawaii." The ladies are hitting on me? On the way out a small, slim Japanese man dressed as Santa-claus passed. Sorry buddy, you don't cut it. Took notes on the day for this blog entry. Didn't know day was about to get much stranger. Thought about the Japanese adaptation of new common activities from nouns into verbs... such as Deniru for "to go to Dennys" and Copiru for "to make copies." These words can be conjugated like any other verbs, including the grammar structure of VERB STEM+ mashou to signify "Let's VERB." The Japanese love this verb conjugation and hence it transfers into the world of Engrish with terrible non-grammatical "Let's VERB" constructions in English EVERYWHERE. Like "Let's drinking!", "Let's together!", "Let's English!" and so forth.

Got an email on my phone. From wealthy businessman English client number ONE. Hoped he wanted to set up new session. Nope. Wanted to ask me out first. Again.

HIS EMAIL: HI KAT, GENKI? I'M GOOD. I'D LIKE TO HAVE A LESSON W/U BUT ALSO I'VE STARTED TO FEEL LIKE ASKING U OUT PERSONALLY. I KNOW U SAID THAT U WANT TO KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL. BUT THAT'S HOW I FEEL NOW ALTHOUGH I DON'T WANT TO MAKE U FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE... S.

Great. So. Saw that one coming. At least he was listening when I said I wanted to keep it professional. And, as you can see, he's pretty much fluent in English. Doesn't need me as a teacher. Wants me as a girlfriend. "Not uncomfortable" my ass.

MY REPLY: Dear S., I'm quite flattered! Still, I don't know you well enough to accept such an offer. Right now I'm concentrating my free time on finding work rather than "looking for love," so to speak. Best, Kat

As I was about to send that message, a young Japanese guy came up to me in the mouth of the alleyway.

HIM: Excuse me. (English)
ME: *startled* Yes?
HIM: Can you give me phone number? I... I love... love you...
ME: *blink blink*

This guy wasn't creepy looking or old and weird. He was just a Waseda student with enough balls to ask me for my phone number because he thought I was cute... he was pretty cute himself, actually. Didn't feel right giving him my number but didn't feel right saying no. Talked him up for a few minutes in English and Japanese as I tried to figure out if it mattered whether or not this guy had my digits. But I figured it wouldn't matter after I told him I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, which I did at the end of our conversation after he repeatedly told me I was sugoku kirei (super beautiful). I really appreciated his valiant efforts but I'm sure I horrifyingly embarrassed him. I've never seen a Japanese boy flee as quickly as he did. (After a backwards shout of "ganbatte, ne!" (good luck).) I wonder if he'll call me. I wonder what the heck he was thinking.

So what gives? Do I have some strange vibe today? Two unwanted advances and a compliment from a woman? I thought I wanted to date but I don't think I do. Whenever someone approaches me I simply freeze. I become nauseous. I back away slowly. This makes me shaken and angry at myself and at the world.

I'm unable to feel secure in these situations that somehow bring OTHER people together. I don't know if I'm holding myself back by being afraid of connection or if I really... just don't want to date... just don't like people.... just want to be alone... just have better things going for me. Am I missing out? Is it better this way? These odd male/female moments for me never feel the way I think they should. Interaction is instead awkard, jilting, embarrassing and disheartening.

Is it that my heart is in America? Or am I just afraid?

All signs point to that any relationship I could have here would be stupid, trivial, dramatic and ultimately worthless. Temporary. Not worth it. But is that true?

Anyway. I'm not lonely. I think I like being alone. I like not being involved with anyone right now in a dramatic or close-and-personal sense.

But now I'm out one English client. I don't want to see "S." again. #$&^!! I need more work. I need more self-confidence. I need to stop being afraid and ashamed of being attractive. I need to learn to safely use this power.

I'm not prostituting myself by trying to find a job, even one that involves my appearance. But it does anger me to think HOW EASILY I could pay my way through everything I wanted if I just didn't have any moral qualms. Why do I have so much unwanted effect on people but still can't get work modeling? The combined effect of being simultaneously wanted and unwanted in the wrong situations makes me feel terrible.

It's gross. I both love and hate the attention.

7PM: Yamanote line. I ride in the front of the train on the way to Baba and in the back car on the way home. I'm learning how they work. The old trains and the new. The lights and gadgets. In the train, I was angry. Angry at the men. Angry at myself. Watched the lights go by and thought about how many bulbs are wasted on advertising.

7:15PM: I passed the stupid store called "Love & Peace" in my neighborhood that sells clothing and accessories for small dogs like my family's stupid Shi-tzu. I hate that dog more every day but I know I shouldn't. He only wants love too. But he's SO disobedient, so cocky and so stupid that I can't help but loathe him. I feel guilty as an effect of my sudden emotional nervousness.

I wonder when I'll eat at the Okinawan restaurant in my neighborhood. It's open until 4AM. There is even a Dennys nearby. Minna, isshouni Denimashou! What a language. What a country.

7:30PM: Now. Home. Host mom is coming back late tonight. A truck drives past my window spewing advertisements loudly at the world. Now that the building in front of my room is gone, there is nothing to block out the noise of the streets. How can they allow such noise pollution as these trucks? Do they even draw customers to stores?

***************

When I open my eyes just a little bit, I have to squint from the assault of noise, motion and color that floods me every day. Today was "worse" than most in terms of overstimulation but not a bad day by any means. A strange day in a strange place.

Time for dinner.

5K
This morning I was to meet some fellow ryuugakusei (exchange students) at Nagatcho station to go running around the Imperial Palace. I was 10 minutes late and by the time I arrived, no one was there. (As it turns out, there may have been some confusion as to the meeting place.)

But since I was at the location anyway, I ran the whole 5K perimeter of the Imperial Palace in a little under half an hour, stopping twice to fix my iPod and once to look at an area map. I didn't even realize that 5K is equivalent to over three miles until I got home and did the conversion. I guess I'm not as out-of-shape as I let on. The pace I set was fairly slow but the jog itself was definitely more beautiful and energizing than it was difficult.

I think I'll make it a habit to go there and run once a week or so... it's a popular place with runners. There was some sort of huge marathon or district track practice there today. All the speedy Japanese guys kept passing me up one by one, leaving me in the dust to envy their beautiful runners' calves and thighs. Yum. I was the only white jogger I saw the whole time, although there were several fair-haired tourists out looking at the Palace exterior.

Nice place and a beautiful day.

Now to finish my laundry, go to my weekly Wednesday English lesson and lift some weights.

Mortal City



There's a reason this song makes me cry...


She never should have rented this apartment in the Mortal City
The cold comes though evey crack she puts her hand up to
The radiator's broken, so she has to use electric heat.

And tonight was the first date with the brother of the guy she worked next to
He lived a couple streets awa
He listened, he had things to say
She asked him up for dinner sometime
Sometime was tonight

The radio gave updates on the ice storm while she made the dinner
They said, from all the talk, you shouldn't drive or even walk
And this just in -- We're asking everyone to turn off their power
They need it at the hostpital.

She ran around pulling plugs, then she called him up
Maybe now they shouldn't meet, he said that he would brave the streets
She met him at the door with a blanket and a candle
Saying, I heard it on the radio, I had to turn my power off.

He said you're not the only one, the streets were dark tonight,
It was like another century
With dim lamps and candles lighting up the icy trees and the clouds and a covered moon.

She said what kind of people make a city
Where you can't see the sky and you can't feel the ground?

I tell you something, I have this feeling that this city's dying
He said, it's not dying it's the people who are dying
She said, yes yes I think the people are dying and nobody cares.

We had all this technology our dreams were bold and vague
And then one city got bad planners, one city got the plague.

He asked why did you move here? She said, for the job
For the job and I've been so lonely here, so lonely
There's no one I can talk to, you know I don't even know your brother.

He smiled and said, sometimes at night I walk out by the river
The city's one big town, the water turns it upside down
people found this city because they love other people
They want their secretaries, they want their power lunches.

And think about tonight, I heard the same newscast you did
I unplugged everything, I looked out the window
And I think the city heard, I watched as one by one the lights went off
So they could give their power to the hospital

They ate in silence while she thought this over,
They sat together in a dark room in the Mortal City
Shifting in their blankets so they wouldn't get spaghetti on them.

Then came the awkward moment after dinner, what to do,
The ice was still falling, the streets were still dangerous
The cabs were not running and this neighborhood was not the greatest.

They both looked at the space where a couch would've been
She felt her stomach sink, she felt like she could hardly think

She said, I never should have rented this apartment in the Mortal City
The cold comes through eve crack I put my hand up to
The radiator doesn't work, I have to use electric heat.

That settled it, they would both sleep in her bed
It was a matter of survival.

She brought out teeshirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, socks, hats
If there was ever any thought of what would happen in that bed tonight
There was no question now
They could barely move
They were wrapped up like ornaments waiting for another season.

They lay in bed, they listened to the pelting ice
He said my brother's not a bad guy, he's just quiet
I wished you liked this city
She said, maybe I do.

I think I have a special kind of hearing tonight
I hear the neighbors upstairs
I hear my heart beating
I hear one thousand hearts beating at the hospital
And one thousand hearts by their bedsides waiting
Saying that's my love in the white gown,

We are not lost in the Mortal City
We are not lost in the Mortal City

-Dar Williams

Misc.
I've never been night running in Tokyo before. The whole world looks like it's on fast-forward even more than before. I only jogged for 20 minutes tonight but it was enough to convince me that I can and will do it again.

Today was great simply because I did nothing. And even though I did nothing, I feel like I've accomplished more than ever. I spent time with my family and even made them an oatmeal breakfast in which *I* was disappointed by they said they liked. I chatted with Justin online, watched maybe 4 episodes of Chobits, studied for a few hours and took a long nap before dinner. Then I jogged, which was a wonderful way to wake up.

It's gotten cold outside, still only in the 50s or so, but it actually feels like winter. I'm pretty sure that I'll need to buy a "real" coat if I want to survive through March, especially with a trip to Hokkaido in the mix. Another unwanted expense, though I've seen plenty of coats that are thick enough and affordable at under $150. This year I'm buying an actual well-fitting down coat. Forget the bulky thing I've been wearing years past.

My room has gotten considerably chillier and nosier in weeks past. With the building right in front of the house gone, all the street noise and light comes into my window without a buffer. Certainly not what I signed up for but not a *huge* problem either. I can sleep fine anywhere provided I'm not stressed. Stress is the real problem. Still, it's slightly obnoxious that the street lamp across the street now falls on my floor and that I can hear every bus stop and empty at the stop not even 30 feet away.

It's interesting to learn about Japan through osmosis. I get so much more out of simply being here than I do out of any lecture or seminar I've been offered. Now, for example, when I watch something as trite as an anime even I understant 80% more of the cultural nuances than I did before. It's amazing what immersion does to a person... and that *outside* the language learning experience. My feelings about culture here are completely different than they were before I left.

I apologize if I offended anyone with my political post. No, wait, I don't. What I said was honest, if jaded. I do love America. I just don't feel patriotic about it, especially with our continued "liberation" tactics. You wouldn't think it but here in Japan there is SO SO SO much more TV coverage of the Middle East and SO much more visual evidence of the stupid things that are happening there both on "our" part and the Iraquis. I'm simply sick of the Bush administration. I want that d!ckhead out of office before he gives me even more of a "guilt by association" complex. GUH.

Not a cheery way to end a post, so instead I give you several pictures of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Office. This sucka is right near my house... I can see it from the upstairs balcony and walk there in half an hour. There's a nice view from the 42nd (??) floor.

Beyond the Veil

You once told me of a dream
our parting of ways
behind a veil
Now I dream the same
but for my own sake
a life I make with my hands
Yet I wake alone
choked in blankets
and sleep is a haze beyond me
In this dream I wonder
on this path that I have chosen
as the voices fade to nothing
Who is the face beyond the veil?

Noh Means No
Noh theatre is just like a Magical, Mystical journey to the land of Boring. Everything is unbelievably slow and unbelievably precise and unbelievably nonsensical. Boring. But magical and mystical nonetheless. I think today was made bearable because of the lingering appreciation for Japanese tradition that was left with me by The Last Samurai. (That, and whenever I got bored I just thought about how HOTT Tom Cruise is in Hakama. Yum.)

But seriously, I'm feeling rather disenfranchised with the West right now. What a gross social history we have! It's so tempting to spout new-age bull$h!7 about the hatred of my own race... until I think about the social history of pretty much every other nation and culture and realize that everyone has a lineage full of war, genocide and suffering. Even those nations who embrace their past embrace a past of pain. I think that knowing this is supposed to make me feel better but has instead given me a great sense of sadness about the destiny of the world.

When I mentioned this to my host dad last night, he quoted right from the movie something about "making our own destiny." I'd like to believe this, too, but I question how any one person can make a difference these days in ways that matter for a peaceful destiny. My hope is that through understanding this sadness and my inherent dislike of cultural assimilation, I can find some purpose for myself.

Of course, I'm still homesick like nobody's business. At least the weather has begun to turn delightfully cold. I can always think better in cold weather. I miss friends and family. I miss American Breakfast. I miss the east of life and the pace of the States, which I had heretofore thought of as too fast. Boy was I wrong.

So I both long to escape the West and find myself trapped in some odd version of it here... that has only revealed to me that I am, in fact, inescapably Western. I feel dirty.

Having now seen Noh (for five hours straight, BOO-YAH!), I think I understant a bit more about the essence of Japaneseness. As Tom Cruise says in The Last Samurai, "These are a people who, from morning to night, pride themselves on doing whatever it is they choose to do with utmost precision."

Take, for example, Tea Ceremony. Unless you've seen it, you really have no idea the pomp and circumstance that goes into making a rather astringent, algaeic tea. It's almost absurd but so... poignant... that even as a foreign observer I have some good idea of the feeling, almost spiritual, of the ancient tradition behind it.

It's not right for me to say that I come from a place with no history. America certainly has history. But it has no history like that of the Japanese. I don't know where my great-grandparents are buried; much less my ancestors of five generations. I can't trace my family line further than my parents' parents. We have no homeland, no property, no tradition. There are, of course, US families with a larger sense of tradition... but by and large our history is transient, migratory, gained through conquering the older peoples of this floating world.

Sometimes I despise being a member of the white, American majority. It is these times that I embrace my feminity, for in it I find my strength as an individual through being, at the very least, a cultural minority.

Now I find that I need that individuality most. Living outside my motherland has taught me how to fear America. Time spent living in America breeds indifference and apathy... unless, of course, you've spent the last three years in New York. Now my indifference is gone, replaced by both a sense of dread at what my nation is doing and a simple longing to go home. The truth is, I want nothing to do with what America "stands for" any more. It's just the safest place to be.

Even here, Japan is being cornered into cooperating with our soverign nation because of what their constitution and treaties deign them to do. No one wants to question America, not especially Japan. For a country that has no military and has been forbidden to wage war, Japan has now been requested to send "Special Defense Forces" to Iraq to aid the American Army. These are non-combattant troupes... humanitarian aid. And that, in and of itself, I don't have a problem with. But because of constitutional policy, these troupes aren't even allowed to carry weapons except for self-defense. "Special Defense," my ass. At least they're volunteer corps, even if no one but Prime Minister Koizumi seems to want to see them sent overseas.

Japan is not America. It is not the West. Japan loves all things Western and hates them also with a passion. My host father put it best when he said to me that he thinks the Japanese have a yearning for things across the sea, but also a nostalgia for the pastoral quitetude of the countryside. The gap between the generation of boom-year parents and children in this country is astounding. And it is so shocking simply because of how recently Japan was without the West and how easily the older people can still remeber those times. It makes me sad to think how much it must pain them to watch the young people here (who even scare me with their freakish emptiness) lose all sense of their heritage. It hurts me because they have a chance to grasp what *I* want and instead let it slip from them in favor of (for example) awfully dyed hair and prostitution for fashion income.

I certainly don't speak for everyone. But there also is certainly a sense of melancholy in Japan for this very cultural divide. It gives Tokyo its unique quality and is fascinating and energizing for the FOB gaijin and tourists to ogle. But I don't find it so energizing any more. I find it confusing and shameful. A paradox of cultures that at the same time embraces me and exiles me. Who am I here but a fair-haired, fair-skinned representative of that idol, the West? Who am I at all?

Has the world gotten more complicated since I was a child?
Has it become more fearful and dangerous?
Has life always been this way and am I just now beginning to notice?

When I come back home will I be changed for this?
Will I be active?
Will I be aware?
Will I be angry?

Will there ever be a time, a place for me to embrace the culture that surrounds me without guilt or apprehension?

Will there ever be a life spent one day without news of war?

Will I learn to make a difference?

Does it even matter one bit if I care?


This is the single most political post I have ever written. For that I am both glad and very sorry.

up up up up up up up
Today seemed like a whole weekend in one day, if such a thing is possible. In that respect, it was a fantastic day-- one of the best so far-- but full of mixed feelings.

After an hour or so of household chores and studying, I left for Shinjuku to meet my new English client. He was half an hour late but it didn't really matter. Even though he wants to pay me less than my requested rate I'll keep him on simply because he seems like such a cool guy. His meishi lists him as Assistant Manager of Toy Design for Disney. Prior to that, he worked at a gaming company (Sega?) and designed games like Tekken and some other game (I forget the name) that apparently inspired the Wa... Wacho... WhoozaBrothers... those guys that made The Matrix.

He's recenently met (on various occasions) with Hayao Miyazaki, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Tom Cruise and the fellow who directed Toy Story and Finding Nemo. He gets into Tokyo Disney with up to three companions for free and when I casually asked about the new release of Naussica he said he'd bring me one of his company copies for free. I didn't even ask. Apparently his job is the type that leaves him rolling in free merchandise. He showed me a picture of his desk and it's covered in plushies and figurines. I had to laugh.

Hmm, I think this is one contact I want to keep. His English actually needs work so it feels more like a lesson and less like a date.

After I met with this fellow, I hopped on the first train in Shinjuku that I felt was going in the right direction and rode this line, the Chuo-Sobu sen until the last stop. I sat next to a man who smelled of Lemon Pine-sol. I watched a woman entertain her fat, happy baby. I felt myself open up as the train moved farther and farther from the city until we crossed one river, then two, then three, and the buildings gave way to sky.

I was hoping to get far enough out to Chiba to maybe see the ocean but for some reason the line stopped before Chiba in Tsunadabashi (?) and so I got off there. For the limited amount of time I spent walking about, I don't know why I didn't gate-jump and spare myself the $10 two-way fare. Ugh.

But I can't complain. The experience was worth it... just to walk for twenty minutes in a place that felt more like a TOWN than a CITY. I saw only two other foreigners the whole time and they were both hawking goods and services at the station. It felt distinctively different and certainly more CHRISTMAS. Everywhere I went I heard English carols, even freaking Brittney Spears Xmas music from some department store.

On the way back, we passed a Toys R' Us, a Sports Authority and a Pachinko parlor ad solely featuring the faces of two Black people. I think $10 was a good price for two and a half hours of relaxation. Plus, my host dad gave me some random commuter pass tonight that still has about $6 left on it, so I'm breaking even.

When I got back, I found otoosan had ordered a mini Domino's pizza. Thin crust seems common here, as do distinctively Japanese toppings like Shrimp and Squid. But eh, I ain't complaining.

We watched The Last Samurai in a movie theater ten times as big and impressive as any I have ever been to. Dad forked out another $10 for popcorn and two Diet Cokes while I ogled the people who were buying Heinekin and wine to go with their hot dogs. Some things really are amusing about this country.

The movie itself was excellent. I think it ranks already on my list of favorites if simply because I can identify with it so incredibly much. I almost peed myself laughing at Tom Cruise trying to speak Japanese. On top of that, it was beautiful, touching, and nearly historically accurate. The latter provides a problem, as any general history concerning America and foreign countries simply makes me despise my motherland, especially in light of current international policy. I can't help but feeling a great sense of shame concerning my association with such a history and such a place. Certainly, America is a great nation and certainly, I do love it. But I love it because it is my home... not because of what it stands for. I suffer from a white man's guilt complex. Especially here, in a place where whenever someone mentions the "Second War" I feel myself visibly flinch.

Afterwards, my host dad and I tried to talk about what we thought of the movie. He certainly is an intelligent guy, and between two broken languages we managed to get out most of our opinions. I wasn't hungry or thirsty but before we left Roppongi, he wanted to go get drinks and Yakitori. We went together to a rather yuppie Yakitori-ya. Despite my insistence that water was fine, he ordered a $30 bottle of Chianti, beer for himself (though he drank about half the wine, too) and various Yakitori. It's an interesting thing to watch a Japanese man eat Chiken Kneecaps with relish. I'll admit, though, the Chicken Liver skewer was more delicious than I could have imagined.

We talked for over an hour and I even learned about my host father's family. He comes from a home with seven siblings but one, an older sister, has since passed away. I didn't ask how or why.

I accomplished a lot. Spent time with dad. By myself. Met interesting people. Saw interesting movie. Ate. Drank. Talked. Thought. Dreamed. Lived and laughed well.

If only more days were like this. Things are looking up.

Jolly Jolly
All I want for Christmas is a Belkin iPod Audio Recorder. How's that for a hint?

Teehee.

I am the FIRST samurai...
To see The Last Samurai. Host dad and I are going to a Sneak Preview at the swanky Roppongi Hills Virgin Theatres tonight. And he was dissappointed that he couldn't buy the $30 "Premiere Screen" tickets because that theater was sold out. I knew having a movie buff for a host dad would pay off. Eeehehehehee.... NEENER NEENER.

Too bad we missed Tom Cruise (damnit damnit!); he was at Roppongi Hills the day before yesterday. In what circles do they announce these things?!?!

Part of this Complete Breakfast
Today I took a brief trip to the big grocery store in my neighborhood to buy ingredients for my tokubetsu (special) oatmeal and pick up a few things. After a few minutes it became apparent that I was on the wrong bus when it turned where it was supposed to go straight... but I decided to stay on anyway and rode until the last stop. I've already mapped this area well enough to know I was only one long block over and down from where I wanted to go. Anyway, it's not so hard to find your way around Tokyo if you have some general idea where you're going. I can always orient myself to Shinjuku in my neighborhood.

At the store, I found some minor variations on all the things I wanted to buy and picked them up for a grand sum of about twenty-six dollars. All this for:

-One box instant oatmeal ($3.50) [they don't seem to have real or whole oats here... I went to three grocers and they all had the same ONE box instant oats]
-One tiny bag mixed dry fruits ($2)
-One bag almonds ($2.50)
-One bag walnuts ($1)
-One bag mixed raisins ($1)
-One tiny bag mixed seeds ($1)
-One bag "wild" blueberries ($3)
-One stick butter ($2!!)
-One small carton milk ($1)
-Pancake mix ($1)
-Tomato paste ($2)
-Real Canadian maple syrup ($7)

Though the maple syrup seems exorbitantly priced, I think that's pretty much universal for pure syrup. The only prices that surprised me were the oatmeal (but not by much), the blueberries, the dry fruits (again, specialty items) and the freaking butter--- two dollars a stick?!? WTF??? I didn't think milk was that expensive here but I could be wrong. I don't exactly buy it often.

I got the pancake mix on a whim (hey it was cheap and I figured I could put the blueberries to use) and purchased the tomato paste in the event that my boyfriend or my family sends me some Bear Creek chili mix so I can whip up an easy (and tasty!) batch of chili for my family. As is, I'm making them American Breakfast some time this weekend on either Sunday or Monday morning. I'm quite apprehensive about whether or not they'll like oatmeal but only because I have to deal with whatever weird variety of Quaker Quick oats I'm stuck with. There really is no replacing whole oats. Quick oats are mushy nastiness. I think I can work with them though. I look forward to anything resembling American breakfast.

We talk a lot about food in my family. My host mom is well aware that I'm health conscious but still insists on serving me enormous quantities of (albeit low-calorie density) food and often even dessert. I can't really object since it never seems like TOO MUCH but of course, I eat all that's put in front of me because it's how I raised. I hope my upbringing doesn't go to my waist. I do hate feeling rude but I hate feeling self-conscious even more.

Today we chatted about the use of mayonnaise in Japan. They love that nasty white goop here. Japanese put it on everything it seems... takoyaki, okonomiyaki, sandwiches, salad. Seems they haven't realized that it not only tastes bad but is also bad for you. Uck. That and my host mom (along with everyone else in Japan, I bet) seems to think that because Mayo comes from America, it must be REALLY POPULAR with Americans. While that might once have been the case, I think mayo's been on a tremendous decline in recent years. Does anyone even like it anymore? I don't think I know anyone who likes mayo. I know people who hate it and people who tolerate it... but put it on salad and use it in cooking voluntarily? Dare mo inai yo.

Mom and I also talked about the differing phenomena of conbini (convenience stores) and supa (supermarkets). In Japan, conbini are a dime a dozen. Everywhere you look (literally, I kid you not) there are 7-11, AM-PM, Family Mart and Lawsons' convenience stores. Note that these are not drug stores like Rite-Aid. You have to go to a Kusuri-ya/Yakyoku (pharmacy) to buy even the weakest cold medicine. And I think most Japanese even go to the doctor for their inaffective Sudafed.

Anyway, my point is that the convenience store here is something completely different than in the states. Everyone uses conbini all the time. They're open 24-hours, of course, because the grocery stores are not. You can't really get groceries there but they certainly seem to have a greater variety of actually edible food than the US convenience stores. There certainly is a different vibe, too... something more comfortable and familiar about the Japanese conbini. In US convenience stores, I always had the feeling I might be held at gunpoint or accidentally associated with a shoplifer or fat man buying a forty. US Convenience stores seem distinctively lower class somehow. I tried to explain to my mom why it seems only certain people use US convenience stores at certain times but I couldn't really come up with a good explanation. The only concrete word I have for the US 7-11 is ghetto and you try to translate THAT.

I think the big difference is that, in America, grocery stores are by far both larger and more affordable than convenience stores and are also almost always open 24-hours now. Because our neighborhoods are less condense and contain fewer shops, going to the grocery store is just as about convenient as a "convenience" store. Mainly, in America most people can drive places and don't have to walk to the neighborhood quick-e-mart. Most true "convenience stores" are thus located at or around gas stations to promote convenience in a driving culture. The only time I feel normal going to a US convenience store is when I'm at a gas station.

That being said, I really miss US grocery stores. They really are uber-awesome. It is interesting comparing the differently stocked foods in Japan (such as, for example, the "curry" aisle) but Japanese grocery stores just fall somehow short. Even the incredible and upper-class department store basement groceries are lacking. The food quality is good but, you know, I'm an American and I want choices damnit. I don't like that I can only choose from two kinds of crackers and three brands of yogurt. I don't care if in the US it's all pretty much from the same company anyway... I like the variety!

While I'm being mostly facetious, I'm serious that I miss shopping in the US. There's something really satisfying about all the ingredients one can choose in an American supermarket. There's just more of everything... from ever culture. I could make authentic Japanese food with the ingredients from almost any American grocery... but I don't think I can make very authentic American food from the supa.

However, the Japanese have concocted a variety of ingeniously wonderful foods that I will surely miss when I return home. Among them:

-Conbini onigiri. Onigiri are rice balls with various filling wrapped in nori (seaweed). The problem with onigiri is of course that if left alone the nori becomes soggy and tastes not nearly as good as when crisp. To fix this dilemma, store-bought onigiri are wrapped in an amazing way that allows, within a single plastic wrapped package, the nori to be separated from the rice ball itself. To unwrap, you simply split the package at tab 1 and pull from the corners at tab 2 and 3. Voila! Your onigiri is assmebled! Some foreigners seem to find it impossible to unwrap these goodies. Baka.

-Choco-ice. I dunnoe exacly what these are called but they're rougly equivalent to some movie theatre snack we have in the US. They're small, chocolate covered ice cream bon-bons that come six to a package. You eat them with a plastic toothpick thing. YUM.

-Pocky. If you don't know what pocky is, you should be shot. Pocky comes in fifty million flavors of yum. Greatest Japanese snack ever.

-Nomu-yoguruto. Drinkable yogurt. I don't know why there isn't more of this in the states. It's really tasty and quite healthy. They seem to have a limited variety of flavors (mostly strawberry, blueberry and mixed berry) but you can occasionally find something odd like Aloe flavor.

-Hot vendable beverages. Japan is famous for its vending machines. Somehow I expected more than drink and cigarette machines though. There are of course other machines but these two are by far the most common. They are EVERYWHERE... every TEN FEET or so. Though the legal smoking age in Japan is twenty, there is of course no way to prevent anyone who wants from buying cigarettes from the machines. I don't know how much of a problem this is. But I digress. From your average drink machine you can get tea, sports drinks, cola and coffee products. Along with cold beverages, there is usually a row of "hot." On a cold day just buy one of these babies to have an instant one-dollar tea or coffee. I think I'm in love with Milk Tea. mmmmm.

So, yeah. That was a lot of talk about food. This is a pretty neat-o place as far as food goes. As I've said before, more restaurants per capita than anywhere else in the world. By far. Far.

And, um, in conclusion... I'm hungry again. Drat.

November
Ok, what gives? Today's weather forecast: some rain, some sun, 70 to 75 degrees. Am I confused? Isn't it almost December? Is "Indian Summer" supposed to last this long? Where is the pure cold, sunny days and slight snow I imagined? ARGH. I love warmth but it's time for COLD. This is ridiculous.

Here's a picture from last weekend to back me up. Mid seventies then too.

Up and Down
It's true, I do feel better now.

The good news is that I have like a gajillion dollars in my wallet and nothing (so far!) to spend it on. Between the job last month and the jobs already this month, I've got probably $100 on me and another $200 coming to me next week from commuter pass refunds and English jobs. With this money and the accumulation of private lesson fees over the next few weeks, I shouldn't need to withdraw anything from the bank for this month. Which means I keep the $350 I could have spent. Or more, depending how far I stretch this. I feel loaded right now even though I should still try to up my income for the travel fund. I'm not going to push it too hard because I don't want to devote any more time to working. I'll leave a bit to chance, modeling jobs, Christmas presents and the like.

The bad news is that I'm sure I'll feel poor again soon for some reason or another. There's always something to eat my money when I least expect it. Grah. And to top it all off, after my emotional night and unusual schedule, I find that it's now past 1AM and I don't feel like sleeping. That means I'll only get 5 and a half hours of sleep, at best. Crap. At least I only have Japanese class tomorrow. I'll still go to the gym and I bet I'll feel the same as I always do. My only other Friday plans are to take a trip to the big "Supa" (grocery store) somewhere around here and look for ingredients to make my "SUPAAAA OOTO-MIARU" for my host family. Can you believe they've never eaten oatmeal? Or chili?! Jeez. What is this, Japan???

Baishun
I feel like a total whore. No, really, I do. I just got back from meeting with my new English client and while I had a good time, I was basically paid to go on a date. What does that make me?

As I was leaving, he asked me if I wanted to get together sometime "just for fun." This is the second time we've met. I told myself and I told friends before I started this job that I would never risk meeting a client anywhere other than a public place and I'm smart enough not to let a job escalate beyond a professional level. Now I realize it's a lot more complicated than that.

You'd think I'm talking about working for an escort service... but no, I'm talking about independent English teaching. I realize that because I am an attractive, young, white woman; my hourly asking rates are high and my teaching experience low, I am likely to attract precisely the sort of client I have: independently wealthy, single businessmen. So what, really?

The problem, of course, is that I am an open-minded, liberal, well-spoken, extroverted woman and I often probably give the vibe of being flirtatious or leadin-on. At least that's what I figure because confusion sometimes seems a common result of my male-female interactions. Or maybe that's just life. The REAL problem is that all this results, simply, from me being myself. Should I be some sort of fake, refined so-and-so? Should I moderate myself somehow? I just want to be ME.

What I'm doing with my English Clients is called "free conversation." It means we just chat. We talk about anything and everything. I tell them about myself, they tell me about themselves. We sometimes discuss topics but we mainly just use English. It sounds fake and forced to tell someone, after you've chatted like good friends for an hour, that you want to keep it a "purely professional" relationship.

Despite my conviction that I would in no way accept an offer to see my clients outside of lessons, I found it almost impossible to think of a way to tell this guy "no." I didn't want to offend, both on a personal level and at the risk of losing a client. For a moment I didn't know what to do. Then I simply and quickly said I wanted to keep it professional and moved on, awkwardly, to the next subject.

Keep in mind that there's nothing really wrong with this guy. He's pleasant, a good conversationalist, seems in no way "weird" or creepy and is even attractive for a 32-year old businessman. I have no problem with the idea of teaching him English. In fact, I think he's a great client. If I were 5 years older and single I might even have no problem with dating him. But that these two independent objectives have even the chance of "crossing signals" distresses me immensely.

[P.S. Dear God, if you're trying to answer my plea for a "benevolent benefactor," note that I said "benefactor" and not "boyfriend." I'd also like to add the two conditions "anonymous" and "no-strings-attached" to that request. Please note I still have Paypal.]

So what am I supposed to do now if I want to keep this job and keep this client? Of course, I'll maintain the "professional" position. But refuse any further dinner offers? Meet only during the day on weekends? Why are there even these problems?

When I came here, I knew I pretty much had two options for work. One, modeling and two, teaching English. Both pay well but modeling pays better so I pursued it first. In my mind, I associated modeling certainly more closely with the selling of oneself than I did English. With modeling I'm judged for my looks, for my measurements, for my weight. I feel I have to shape myself into something that I am not. Now I feel worse for the wear with English, used for my language and personality. Paid for my company. It seems sick and dirty but I hate it so much beacuse I think I like it.

Even with my other clients, who don't flirt with me (maybe only because they're 50+ and 2/3 of them are female), I feel paraded about like a silly American spectacle. "OOooh, what should we make Kat give a speech about this week?" For that I can't complain. It's $30-$40 easy. And my client from today, in all respects is a pleasant, attractive, well-socialized and conversational gentleman. I'm fine if he wants to buy me coffee and talk for a long time in English... I'm even fine if he wants to "shaberu" (chat) in Japanese. But I'd really prefer he pay me for it and leave it at that.

I thought I'd go out to eat with him tonight since dinner provides a more relaxed atmosphere. Of course, I figured he'd want to pay and that I might even let him because I supposed that we were sure to talk for more than an hour and I expected he would only pay me for an hour. This was correct-- we were at the restaurant for a little over two hours and he paid me for one-- but between letting him pay for dinner and the our easy-going "free conversation," I felt like I went on a date and was paid for it.

Am I just feeling guilty for making easy money? Or is this guy getting the wrong impression? I signed up for an English Teaching job, not a dating-service. I don't like feeling as if my lessons are "dates" but I don't see any real way around it.

I need money desperately, so desperately to travel. I think it's worth the discomfort if I can stand it (and if I can stay safe). But I feel so, so dirty right now.

Look at me, I'm the crazy gaijin. Look at my long legs, touch my blonde hair, marvel at my blue eyes, gawk at my round American booty, use me up for my English and when you're done throw me out with the countless others as you've done before.

I'll feel better after I take a shower. I just pocketed some filthy money. With this, as any such "business," I'm sure I'll get used to it. Eventually.

Ugh.

.:our house:.

in the middle of our street...

That's right. There's my house... one set back from the main street running from Shinjuku to Nakano. There used to be a Ramen-ya there where the machine is but since they've finally set in motion a plan to widen the street that was formulated some 40 years ago, the Ramen shop vacated, was torn down and now another is going up in its place. All within the span of four weeks. From life to death to rebirth.

Also, did you know this is Marlboro Country? Pfffhht.





More photos later... I took a lot of good ones this past weekend around Shinjuku and Nakano-ku. here is the dir if you are too impatient for me to post the thumbnails. There are too many to post all in one go.

Akiramenaide!
The more time I devote purely to studying Japanese, the less I hate the language. I'm hearing it in my sleep... my brain never stops thinking about it. Even if the majority of my day is spent speaking English, I'm also positive that I'm the most dilligent Japanese studier in my level, if not the whole University. Despite that I'm not ready to leave my room and talk quite yet, the language is starting to... make sense. It's becoming easier and easier to learn, rapidly, large amounts of words and phrases.

In class each week I study probably close to 100 words, 20 kanji, 60 kanji compounds and 20 grammar structures. Thanks God class is slightly remedial or I might be completely overwhelmed. But now that I'm HERE and everything is more "in context," the learning patterns become easier and easier. On top of classwork, I'm teaching myself another 20 verbs, 40 words and 20 "common phrases" a week from the flash cards I've made. After I finish these, I'll move on to teaching myself another 10-15 Kanji a week and improving my reading skills by picking up manga and children's novels. Listening skills are easy to practice on the fly.

Remembering words and phrases is the hardest part. It's impossible for me to keep them in my head like I can when I learn a new English word or phrase. I just haven't yet established the linguistic context to make it possible in a simple way. So I spend hours upon hours every day cramming these words repeatedly into my brain so that I can remember them. It's the only way.

It doesn't help that I'm dyslexic either. Literally, to some degree. I've always had problems hand-writing English but at least I NOTICE English mistakes. When I write "ha" instead of "ho" and "sa" instead of "chi," forget the "tenten" on something or just write the plain wrong character in Japanese, I don't notice at all. Even if I proofread. You'd think it's a typical problem... but I do it all the time. More than is normal. Enough to make me feel stupid. I write completely wrong words when I know the reading and writing. My brain just can't sort it all out.

Conversation... well, that's the other hard part but I think at this rate it will come on its own. My new English student seems very eager to help me practice my Japanese after our lessons but he may just be fishing for my company. In my mind, there's no way teaching English sinks to the level of hostessing even if my clients want to take me to dinner and chat me up. That's kind of the point of Private Lessons, isn't it? Or maybe I just attract the "Mac Daddy" type of lonely, single businessmen. Not really complaining. (See request below for "benefactor")

Anyway, I've been feeling more and more like I understand Japanese. I'm so busy right now that it makes sense to just skip socialization and spend all my time studying. I'm here to study. I'm here to learn Japanese. I'm also here to see Japan but that will come more once I've settled in. For now I'm going to dig in and learn me some language. It's coming together; I can feel it.

EDOC TERCES
I keep hoping that Japanese will soon stop feeling like a secret code and start sounding like a language. You know when you were a kid and you made up your own language with friends or tried to talk 24/7 in pig-latin? It never worked very well, did it. The express reason people give up on learning languages is that they don't feel like languages at all, rather just alternate means of conveying tidbits of information.

That's all they really ARE, of course, but it's getting past the small talk that's the tough part. I can give my self-introduction well enough to fool anyone into thinking I'm fluent. I can indulge in daily conversation with rapid-fire ease. But ask me my opinion on anything close to my heart and the most I can say about it is if I like it or not.

When Japanese begins to be about feelings and ideas rather than concrete structures like asking permission and requesting favors, that's when I know I will have advanced. It's already obvious to me that I've improved immensely since I came but only in the respect that I know my basics well enough to get by. I've made great progress but it feels like I've made none at all.

I'm not ready yet to leave my excessive studying and face the world. It's not that I'm particularly embarrassed or afraid because Japanese seems quite "normal" now... it's just that I don't feel prepared enough or relaxed enough to engage. That will come by and by, I think. If I gauge myself on how much "extra studying" I have left to do before I get through the piles of flash cards I made when I got here (things like grammar review, verbs, common phrases, sentence modifiers and important words), I should be "ready" in about three weeks. The way I figure, after Christmas vacation and two weeks AWAY from school, I'll be ready to leave my hermitude (is that a word?) and act like a language student rather than a doctoral student.

I've just got to do things my way.

That says "secret code," you know.

In Pictures

it's not you, baby, it's me...
I think I would love it here IF:

I could get a good night's sleep. I've had TWO, maybe THREE nights of solid sleep for more than seven hours in the last two months. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying either. Weekdays strap me with studying and by the time I get to bed I'm either completely stressed or it's later than I thought. Weekends get me to bed late but I wake up 6 hours later without fail. The last two weekends when I've REALLY wanted to sleep there's been construction OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. First they ripped out the ramen shop... now they're putting a new one in. I'm excited about this because it means a new place and I won't be a complete outsider if I go there... but .... DO THEY REALLY NEED TO FREAKING BACKHOE AT 8AM??? I gave up sleeping after 6 hours again. Non-functional. Emotional wreck. Can't speak Japanese when I'm this tired. Ugh.

If I had money. You know the drill, I said it all below. Low budget= high stress. High stress= unhappy Kat. Can't make $10 a day here work. Seems that $20 day is too low even. I know it's possible to have fun in Tokyo without spending money but the problem is that THOSE kind of leisure activities require copious amounts of TIME. See below.

If I had time. This is the real killer. Dad sent me an email with all of these wonderful suggestions of how I could save myself. I'd love to do every one of them except that the problem is I'm up every day at 7AM to commute to campus and don't get home until at LEAST 6PM. Daily. Between Japanese (9:40-12AM), my 1 1/2 hour lectures I'm kept on campus and 2 hour trips to the gym, I'm kept on campus without a chance to invest myself in other things. Doing things in the evening is right out because by 6PM I'm tired, strung-out and hungry as all hell. Not to mention it's my time to study. So that leaves weekends, right? I guess I have time on weekends. Time to study, maybe. Maybe time to teach English for a few hours.

Now, on the other hand, if I could learn to feel GREAT with 5 hours sleep and get a late-night job, that might solve all my problems right there. A girl can dream, right?

jazz and whine
Another good day turned to crap for excruciatingly trite reasons. What was a marvelous, AMAZING time at a jazz club was supposed to be free turned but out to cost $30. Yes, it was a good time and well worth the money but the shock of having to again empty my wallet made me emotionally crash. Didn't help I had a lot of wine in me either.

I know I shouldn't care so much about money but I was going to go to Yokohama on Sunday and had planned on spending around $40 for the trip. I've blown budget this month so much that now I can't go. I also already cancelled a potential first lesson ($25) with a language client because of said trip and now I've lost my chance. Crap.

I had a great time tonight, I really did. I looked good, I felt good, I ate well and I drank well until the time I expected to be free turned out to break my budget. I really just can't manage here.

I'm supposed to go traveling with two friends (well, Justin and Alex) during Spring break and I would LIKE to have the chance to, rather than sit at home, go to Hokkaido, Okinawa and Kyoto/Nara while I'm here. I have no idea how I'll get the $3,000 or so that it will take, especially if everything here keeps costing about 3x as much and taking about 3x as long as I expect.

I'm really pissed right now because I had a great time tonight UNTIL I had to shell out $30. Now all I want to do is cry. But I'm drunk anyway. At least it was a good, expensive Shiraz. Even though I was told by the invitee that there wouldn't be a charge, what we all paid was well under what the cost would have been otherwise between a $10 cover, $14/glass or $60/bottle wine and horribly overpriced (But tasty!) appetizers. I shouldn't complain about the cost because it was worth it. But the fact is that spending that money ruined my night emotionally, it can't be fixed, and I'm pissed about it. Why do I care so much?

At least taking the day off on Sunday instead of going to Yokohama will give me more time to study and maybe a bit to walk around the neighborhood and see things for myself. I guess I can took forward to it. I don't know WHY I am so depressed but I can't stop myself any more. I just want to go home. I wedged myself into a corner of the crowded subway train from Roppongi, took as much pressure off my aching feet as possible (the boots are great but of course kill me because of the heels) and tried not to cry. Even when I'm so upset I can't hold back the tears, I still can't let it out. I haven't had my breakdown yet but it's coming... afterwards I hope I feel better.

I wish I could not worry about spending money. I wish I had no morals so that I could just go be a hostess (despite the poor hours) and actually have an income. I'm supposed to be living off $10 a day, which I thought would be plenty but instead between train fare, food, school supplies and other neccessities I'm already hitting that mark WITHOUT budgeting for travel and entertainment. Grah. Oh well, I'm sure it will balance out. I felt serendipitous yesterday until I was thrown completely off balance. I guess my emotional footholds are still tenuous.

I know money can't buy happiness but it would sure relieve my stress. Since I don't have time for a job, or even time to invest in some quality activities like clubs, charity or exploration, what I really need is a rich, mysterious benefactor. Hey... rich, mysterious, benevolent benefactor... are you out there? I have paypal....

the trainman
There is a moment each day, on the way to and from Takadanobaba station, when I am given pause to think about the strange beauty of a place like this.

As I ride the Yamanote sen early each day, I pass Shin-Ookubo eki, a little waystation where hardly anyone enters or exits the train. I would hardly give such a place a second thought if not for a house next to the station and across the tracks. The house, in a strategically poor location, seems to me exceedingly poetic. Not simply for its proximity or its simple, traditional beauty but because every day I notice the persimmon tree in front of the house, next to the tracks, in full fruition laden with ripe persimmons. That such a place, such an idyllic, picturesque home could exist so close to the ceaseless noise of the JR railway gives me some hope for this city.

And again, on the way home, there often occurs a strange and moving moment. Coming in to Shinjuku station past Shin-Ookubo, there is a place where two tracks for two different lines converge and diverge again. Often as my train approaches Shinjuku, we pull up alongside the other train (or vice versa) and for a moment we ride in tandem. The trains are always moving at slightly different velocities so each pulls steadily ahead or behind the other in a sort of mechanical dance. Like two lumbering, curious beasts, the trains meet and then diverge as one flows downward and away and the other up into the underbelly of the station. In that dance, the trains become delicate and sinewy like snakes, a mass of electrical beauty rather than a means of common transportation.

These things still catch my eye. I got off my bus one stop early today to take a picture of one of the increasingly common "Maimo" trucks that are popping up around the city now that winter is approaching. From an oven in the back these trucks sell hot corn and sweet potatoes and maybe other things that I haven't yet imagined. There is one parked in the same spot every evening between Waseda and Takadanobaba station and every day I want either photograph it or buy something but the moment and mood are never right. Today I caught this truck a block from my home just as a few customers called it over. (Like an ice cream truck for seasonal veggies!! MM!) I took several shots at varying exposures. After I finished, was starting to walk away when the woman with the bicycle called me over (in English) and asked me if I wanted to try some Sweet Potato. How could I refuse! As embarrassed as I was for having "stolen her image" several times over, the exchange at least made me feel a bit warmer inside.

Today was one step up. Tomorrow, maybe another. Beautiful fall weather makes the time pass much more easily.

You thought I was finished?
Oh, and another thing. I am sick of having to deal with the fact that I am host to a treatment resistant strain of stapholoccocus bacteria. As much as this is causing me no REAL irritation at the moment aside from the occasional single pimple-looking thing, I'm feeling psychologically "dirty." Not to mention I would really like to:

-Be able to shave my armpits every day or even every OTHER day without worrying about it and "breaking out"
-Take a nice soak in the tub on a cold night. Did this the first week here and haven't been able to do it since because if the havok it wreaked on my skin.
-Wear ANTIPERSPERANT. I never wear this in the states and I've even found a spray deoderant that works for me here (hallelujah!) but with the stress that I'm under I CONSTANTLY sweat and I'm damn tired of it.
-Stop throwing my shirts in the wash after ONE WEAR regardness of whether or not they smell. I like my clothing to last a little while, thanks.
-Talk to an "English Speaking" medical professional who actually understands english MEDICAL TERMS.
-Convince said Medical "Professional" that the correct prescription for me is the universally-prescribed antibiotic confirmed by 100% of internet medical sites, my healthcare provider and my boyfriend's nurse-practitioner mother and NOT, in fact, some wussy, low-dose, half-assed Japanese "antibiotic." Thank you, Japan, for helping me develop an immuno-compromise.**
-Not have to consider having Bactroban and/or &^#$ing VANCOMYCIN (aaaaaaaaaaaagh!) shipped from the states to fix me completely for good. Not as if Vancomycin could get through customs. Not as if any of this stuff *legally* can.

Whatever. I'll just live with it if I have to. Like I said, physical symptoms are negligible at this point. The psychological and stress damages have already been done though. For good.

**NOTE: Aside from this and the communication barrier, I really have little problem with the Japanese health-care system. The National Health Insurance here costs me about $8.50 a month and covers 80% of medical costs. This means doctors visits and prescriptions come out to about $10 each and the rest of that is refunded to me by my institution. So the sh!++y medical care is free, at least.

Fall
Amazing weather today. No school. Time for a movie, a trip to the bank, my $40/hr English lesson and a few hours at the gym. So why do I feel so wretched? It seems a bad sign to me when even the "good days" are unbearable.

I took myself to the movies this morning. My first time going alone and I was elated to find the theatre (in Shinjuku no less), get there early and actually recieve the Wednesday "ladies' discount" for a Y1000 ticket.

I realize how much now I treasure doing things alone. I don't think I've ever liked doing anything in a group but here it becomes even more impossible and frustrating. Everything is so loud and so busy that in a group you're forced to struggle to keep up and struggle to communicate. Alone, I can take all the time I want to sit passively or take charge, to withdraw or interact, to move slowly or quickly. I don't have to confuse anyone else's agenda. I'm a confirmed loner... but an extroverted one. How strange!

Despite my giddy success at being a moviegoer, the rest of my day was overshadowed by a deep depression. Of all the bad days so far, today may have been the worst since my first jet-lagged delirium. Perhaps seeing Matrix Revolutions was a bad idea. It wasn't a "travesty" as I've heard it called and I did enjoy it... but not in the sense that I enjoyed the first Matrix. Neither Reloaded nor Revolutions is a fun movie. This one had me either cleched up in anticipation or on the verge of crying the whole time, probably just as a product of my current mindset. Anyway, I thought it was a fitting ending to a three-part epic saga. It did leave me a with a substantial list of questions (SPOILERS) but I expected as much.

The real travesty was how the movie made me feel. After leaving the theatre, I spent the rest of the day feeling as if I'd woken up from a terrible and traumatic dream. I walked down the street feeling only sadness. Not the poetic sadness I usually feel, either, but a strange empty and hopeless sadness. I think what made me so sad was the acknowledgement that I don't like it here.

If I can't even find happiness in this greatest of moments, at this pinnacle of opportunity, I don't think I will find it ever in my life. I am never happy at rest and never happy when I am involved in something. I am only happy in transition between on moment and the next, in the free time between obligation. Right now I have no love in my heart, for myself or for anyone else. It has fallen out down some long, dark subway staircase and been carried somewhere far away. I am empty and I am looking for something to fill that emptiness.

Instead of hope, I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. I don't think that what I seek is here. I truly think that this city, this existence, is meaningless. The only inevitability is the eventual end of it all. In between there is only want, need, suffering and frustration.

In my heart, I want to believe that there is some deep connection between people, some universal truth and some unfathomable love but being here has only made me feel more separate and alone. I'm overwhelmed by the virulent, almost offensive, presence of humanity in Tokyo. A swarm of homo sapiens on every corner. Walking, standing, talking, ignoring the other thousands. Every day. Every night. One turn after the other.

I can see no meaning in it. I can see no pleasure in it. And it makes me so unbearably sad that there is nowhere here to hide away from it because the constant exposure is rubbing me raw. I never realized that I could be a "country bumpkin" until I came to Tokyo. There is a large part of me that likes quietude and solitude and that overwhelming part despises this city.

I apologize to the readers I have who either live or have lived here and have any affinity for this city... but right now I think it is a terrible place and it crossed my mind more than once today that it seems appropriate for it to have burned to the ground so many times throughout history.

I've spent years just going through the motions and looking forward to the chance to tear it all down and go somewhere amazing and real like Tokyo... but now that I'm here I realize that was a false ambition. I'm a worthless cog here just as I am everywhere else. It's all the same and I'm stupid for seeking something that I can't find. Happiness is just not my lot in life. Perhaps I can accept that and just move on. Perhaps not. Ugh.

I wish there were something I could change to make myself feel better. I'm trying, I really am, but there just doesn't seem to be anything. I look forward to my chance to travel more than anything but I don't think that will even be all I've made it out to be. My travel fund is as of yet nonexistant since I've needed all the money I've made from working for my stupidly large living expenses. Any ideas where I can come up with about $3000 aside from prostitution? I'm beginning to regret ever signing up with the modeling agency. Every time they call me to tell me I didn't get a job, I just hate myself more.

I cling to every good feeling that I have and every amazing moment I see througout the day but nothing ever lasts. I'm sick of this place and I'm sick of every other place I've ever been. I just can't pick it up at all.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I know it's usually my policy to avoid writing such trite crap because I'll probably feel better if I can manage to get any sleep. But I've got to say SOMETHING when I feel this bad and it ain't getting any better. Sigh. But hey, misery always makes other people feel better about their own lives. So enjoy it while it lasts.... cos I plan on getting happy sometime soon. After I figure out why I'm here (anywhere? even bothering to care?) if it all sucks so much.

SuGiRu
I learned something today. That, if anything, when I come back from time spent living in Tokyo, nothing will bother me. There has been so little stress in my life to this point that it's completely incomparable. I now understand why the people in Japan live for after work and the weekends. Every day is a constant, driving push of noise, lights and people. The only way to make it stop is to find Zen, go postal or drink yourself into a complete stupor. Unfortunately, I don't think I desire to nor am capable of truly accomplishing any of these things. I just watch and learn and find that all the good things I love about this city are overwhelmed by the constant pressure of the annoyances of every day.

When I come back, I will treasure that I can wake up at 7:45AM or later daily, take a full load of classes, regularly work out, complete a 20-hour-a-week job and STILL get home every day by or before 5:30. In my other life, I could manage all this on top of entertaining a social life, publishing a magazine, maintaining a relationship, doing chores, fixing dinner and keeping weekends free. Here... no. Just... not possible. Practically every day because of commute time and class schedule, I'm forced to away from home either in transit or on campus from 8:30 to 7PM. You heard me right. That doesn't even allow for more 2 hours at the gym three times a week, much less any part time work.

Everything here takes three times longer than it should, not counting my hour-and-a-half lectures which are a COMPLETE and UTTER waste of time. One of my professors reads to us out of our text in broken English the ENTIRE lecture and can't even manage to answer any questions coherently in English OR Japanese.

All this, combined with the retarded university bureaucracy and langage barrier has so thoroughly annoyed me that I think I've reached my maximum intellectual capacity for irritation. After I leave here, nothing will ever trouble me this much again.

Nowhere else that I have ever been or seen has the sheer VOLUME that Tokyo has. There is too much of everything here. Too many people, too much noise, too much lights, too much money, too much traffic. It's life in excess. The only things there seem not to be enough of are time and connectivity. Dreams.

I keep looking for meaning in all of it, hoping that I'll find some key to unlocking this tangled mass of urban fantasia. What scares me most of all is the possibility that there IS no meaning. Perhaps this is the greatest lesson I can learn; a lesson of true enlightenment. Perhaps none of this should trouble me at all, none of it should cause me any suffering. All of it is temporary, passing, fleeting, human and so by its very nature is meaningless. To overcome it, I have to let it go and cast it off. Rise above it. Care nothing for it.

But I'm too human. I'm captured by the moment, by wants and needs, by passions and dreams. I like complication and drama. I like mystery and fascination. I like LIFE when I can see it.

For example, today, when walking to the station I stopped down my favorite alley with the Thai and French restaurants. In the doorway of one of the neighboring bars sat an orange and white striped cat, miaowing plaintively at the waitstaff and hostess. The cat looked well kept, as did the bar, and the image of struck me as so fantastic and so poignant that I stood for a few minutes and contemplated the raw composition of the cat, the doorway, the restaurant and the city. The light and the color and the movement was so perfect and so ideal that it seemed almost as if this cat had been made for this moment only to exist in the doorway as an image. I don't think I've ever wished more that I had my camera on me. The cell phone pictures I took could never suffice.

So, you see, I can still feel wonder. I'm still looking to return some seed of serenity to my core. It's just that on a weekday-to-weekday basis, the drive of this city and of all the unwanted and understimulating demands placed upon me, I feel nothing but irritation at my life here. There is no time. There is no time to make time or to find time or to feel time. There is only the push, the pull and the city that sucks everything into its nonexistent and inescapable center.