EveryDay
So, what's a typical day in Japan like for me? Let's use today as an example of exactly what the random, weird, stressful sensory assault is like EVERY SINGLE DAY. Because today was my day off I had a bit more time to "notice" things and a bit more time for things to notice me. Here is the end result. Forgive the tense changes and stream-of-consciousness writing. Keep reading, even if it gets boring at times; I promise it's all worth it.

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10AM: Took bus to Shinjuku and on the way noticed that no one was waiting in front of the Pachinko parlor prior to opening today. Wondered why.

Went running at Imperial Palace of all places. Couldn't find the people I was supposed to meet even though I later got notice that he/they waited 1/2 hour at the place I looked for them. WTF? Ran 5K by myself at an enjoyable place.

Rode the exact same train and stood in the exact same place there and back... the whole time was morbidly fascinated by an ad featuring ingredients of oden, a Japanese fish by-product soup that disgusts me. Thought about our group bento yesterday and the one onigiri (rice ball) that no one seemed able to eat. It was called tarako and inside of the rice and nori (seaweed) was a strange, awful eggsac that somehow the Japanese find delicious. Now, I'm NOT a picky eater. I have no problem with flying fish roe, salmon roe or even uni (Sea Urchin gonads) used in sushi. But this... this was like the egg-sac of DEATH. If BALONEY were a living reptile, this would be its sac. Sickly pink and with an outside delicately veined, the tiny eggs inside have the consistency of rough, squishy sand and taste like... well, salty, fishy, wet baloney. RETCH.

Everyone stared at me because I was wearing running leggings in public. What the heck am I supposed to do... change at the train station and use a locker when I can just as easily walk around (fully clothed!) in workout clothes??? Please.

12PM: Did laundry. Calculated finances. With hours of English work totaling $40/hour equivalent, $200 research assistant job, other odd jobs and Christmas money/ the grace of God, I should have enough income.

2PM: Went to Waseda campus. On the way there, noted for the billionth time the shop called Hobbit between Shinjuku and Shin-ookubo along the Yamanote track. What does it sell? Foot hair remover?

From Baba took the bus to campus because I was tired after run. Some store near the station is having its "GRAND OPEN" and the entire building front is covered with a sign topped by the letters "GOD." Huh? Also laughed again, for the millionth time, at the store that bills itself as "Fruit and Tobacco." Yes. They actually sell... fruit... and cigarettes. Mmm.... tomacco....

3PM: English lesson. Had coffee again to wake me up. Developing a caffiene dependency. Not good for my arrythmia. Talked about random topics with group until we settled on speaking about the juvenile criminal justice system differences in Japan and the US. Strange and depressing conversation again... seems that the older gentleman in the group likes to domineer and steer the conversation toward law, government and political controversy. Blah. Made my money. Left to go to the gym.

4:30PM: 15 minutes on the bike but was too hungry to lift weights immediately so went upstairs to the 7-11 and got a "Sea Chicken" (tuna, duh) onigiri. Again, you'd think that people had never seen a woman in workout clothes even though the gym is in the SAME BUILDING. Christ. All the MEN wear shorts... grossly tight and small even... but the girls ALWAYS wear pants and NEVER show their shoulders in spaghetti-strap tank tops. Aren't we liberated here?

6:30PM: Left the gym. Told by woman at desk that my legs were "sooooo long" (in Japanese) and that I was "kawaii." The ladies are hitting on me? On the way out a small, slim Japanese man dressed as Santa-claus passed. Sorry buddy, you don't cut it. Took notes on the day for this blog entry. Didn't know day was about to get much stranger. Thought about the Japanese adaptation of new common activities from nouns into verbs... such as Deniru for "to go to Dennys" and Copiru for "to make copies." These words can be conjugated like any other verbs, including the grammar structure of VERB STEM+ mashou to signify "Let's VERB." The Japanese love this verb conjugation and hence it transfers into the world of Engrish with terrible non-grammatical "Let's VERB" constructions in English EVERYWHERE. Like "Let's drinking!", "Let's together!", "Let's English!" and so forth.

Got an email on my phone. From wealthy businessman English client number ONE. Hoped he wanted to set up new session. Nope. Wanted to ask me out first. Again.

HIS EMAIL: HI KAT, GENKI? I'M GOOD. I'D LIKE TO HAVE A LESSON W/U BUT ALSO I'VE STARTED TO FEEL LIKE ASKING U OUT PERSONALLY. I KNOW U SAID THAT U WANT TO KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL. BUT THAT'S HOW I FEEL NOW ALTHOUGH I DON'T WANT TO MAKE U FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE... S.

Great. So. Saw that one coming. At least he was listening when I said I wanted to keep it professional. And, as you can see, he's pretty much fluent in English. Doesn't need me as a teacher. Wants me as a girlfriend. "Not uncomfortable" my ass.

MY REPLY: Dear S., I'm quite flattered! Still, I don't know you well enough to accept such an offer. Right now I'm concentrating my free time on finding work rather than "looking for love," so to speak. Best, Kat

As I was about to send that message, a young Japanese guy came up to me in the mouth of the alleyway.

HIM: Excuse me. (English)
ME: *startled* Yes?
HIM: Can you give me phone number? I... I love... love you...
ME: *blink blink*

This guy wasn't creepy looking or old and weird. He was just a Waseda student with enough balls to ask me for my phone number because he thought I was cute... he was pretty cute himself, actually. Didn't feel right giving him my number but didn't feel right saying no. Talked him up for a few minutes in English and Japanese as I tried to figure out if it mattered whether or not this guy had my digits. But I figured it wouldn't matter after I told him I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, which I did at the end of our conversation after he repeatedly told me I was sugoku kirei (super beautiful). I really appreciated his valiant efforts but I'm sure I horrifyingly embarrassed him. I've never seen a Japanese boy flee as quickly as he did. (After a backwards shout of "ganbatte, ne!" (good luck).) I wonder if he'll call me. I wonder what the heck he was thinking.

So what gives? Do I have some strange vibe today? Two unwanted advances and a compliment from a woman? I thought I wanted to date but I don't think I do. Whenever someone approaches me I simply freeze. I become nauseous. I back away slowly. This makes me shaken and angry at myself and at the world.

I'm unable to feel secure in these situations that somehow bring OTHER people together. I don't know if I'm holding myself back by being afraid of connection or if I really... just don't want to date... just don't like people.... just want to be alone... just have better things going for me. Am I missing out? Is it better this way? These odd male/female moments for me never feel the way I think they should. Interaction is instead awkard, jilting, embarrassing and disheartening.

Is it that my heart is in America? Or am I just afraid?

All signs point to that any relationship I could have here would be stupid, trivial, dramatic and ultimately worthless. Temporary. Not worth it. But is that true?

Anyway. I'm not lonely. I think I like being alone. I like not being involved with anyone right now in a dramatic or close-and-personal sense.

But now I'm out one English client. I don't want to see "S." again. #$&^!! I need more work. I need more self-confidence. I need to stop being afraid and ashamed of being attractive. I need to learn to safely use this power.

I'm not prostituting myself by trying to find a job, even one that involves my appearance. But it does anger me to think HOW EASILY I could pay my way through everything I wanted if I just didn't have any moral qualms. Why do I have so much unwanted effect on people but still can't get work modeling? The combined effect of being simultaneously wanted and unwanted in the wrong situations makes me feel terrible.

It's gross. I both love and hate the attention.

7PM: Yamanote line. I ride in the front of the train on the way to Baba and in the back car on the way home. I'm learning how they work. The old trains and the new. The lights and gadgets. In the train, I was angry. Angry at the men. Angry at myself. Watched the lights go by and thought about how many bulbs are wasted on advertising.

7:15PM: I passed the stupid store called "Love & Peace" in my neighborhood that sells clothing and accessories for small dogs like my family's stupid Shi-tzu. I hate that dog more every day but I know I shouldn't. He only wants love too. But he's SO disobedient, so cocky and so stupid that I can't help but loathe him. I feel guilty as an effect of my sudden emotional nervousness.

I wonder when I'll eat at the Okinawan restaurant in my neighborhood. It's open until 4AM. There is even a Dennys nearby. Minna, isshouni Denimashou! What a language. What a country.

7:30PM: Now. Home. Host mom is coming back late tonight. A truck drives past my window spewing advertisements loudly at the world. Now that the building in front of my room is gone, there is nothing to block out the noise of the streets. How can they allow such noise pollution as these trucks? Do they even draw customers to stores?

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When I open my eyes just a little bit, I have to squint from the assault of noise, motion and color that floods me every day. Today was "worse" than most in terms of overstimulation but not a bad day by any means. A strange day in a strange place.

Time for dinner.