Baishun
I feel like a total whore. No, really, I do. I just got back from meeting with my new English client and while I had a good time, I was basically paid to go on a date. What does that make me?

As I was leaving, he asked me if I wanted to get together sometime "just for fun." This is the second time we've met. I told myself and I told friends before I started this job that I would never risk meeting a client anywhere other than a public place and I'm smart enough not to let a job escalate beyond a professional level. Now I realize it's a lot more complicated than that.

You'd think I'm talking about working for an escort service... but no, I'm talking about independent English teaching. I realize that because I am an attractive, young, white woman; my hourly asking rates are high and my teaching experience low, I am likely to attract precisely the sort of client I have: independently wealthy, single businessmen. So what, really?

The problem, of course, is that I am an open-minded, liberal, well-spoken, extroverted woman and I often probably give the vibe of being flirtatious or leadin-on. At least that's what I figure because confusion sometimes seems a common result of my male-female interactions. Or maybe that's just life. The REAL problem is that all this results, simply, from me being myself. Should I be some sort of fake, refined so-and-so? Should I moderate myself somehow? I just want to be ME.

What I'm doing with my English Clients is called "free conversation." It means we just chat. We talk about anything and everything. I tell them about myself, they tell me about themselves. We sometimes discuss topics but we mainly just use English. It sounds fake and forced to tell someone, after you've chatted like good friends for an hour, that you want to keep it a "purely professional" relationship.

Despite my conviction that I would in no way accept an offer to see my clients outside of lessons, I found it almost impossible to think of a way to tell this guy "no." I didn't want to offend, both on a personal level and at the risk of losing a client. For a moment I didn't know what to do. Then I simply and quickly said I wanted to keep it professional and moved on, awkwardly, to the next subject.

Keep in mind that there's nothing really wrong with this guy. He's pleasant, a good conversationalist, seems in no way "weird" or creepy and is even attractive for a 32-year old businessman. I have no problem with the idea of teaching him English. In fact, I think he's a great client. If I were 5 years older and single I might even have no problem with dating him. But that these two independent objectives have even the chance of "crossing signals" distresses me immensely.

[P.S. Dear God, if you're trying to answer my plea for a "benevolent benefactor," note that I said "benefactor" and not "boyfriend." I'd also like to add the two conditions "anonymous" and "no-strings-attached" to that request. Please note I still have Paypal.]

So what am I supposed to do now if I want to keep this job and keep this client? Of course, I'll maintain the "professional" position. But refuse any further dinner offers? Meet only during the day on weekends? Why are there even these problems?

When I came here, I knew I pretty much had two options for work. One, modeling and two, teaching English. Both pay well but modeling pays better so I pursued it first. In my mind, I associated modeling certainly more closely with the selling of oneself than I did English. With modeling I'm judged for my looks, for my measurements, for my weight. I feel I have to shape myself into something that I am not. Now I feel worse for the wear with English, used for my language and personality. Paid for my company. It seems sick and dirty but I hate it so much beacuse I think I like it.

Even with my other clients, who don't flirt with me (maybe only because they're 50+ and 2/3 of them are female), I feel paraded about like a silly American spectacle. "OOooh, what should we make Kat give a speech about this week?" For that I can't complain. It's $30-$40 easy. And my client from today, in all respects is a pleasant, attractive, well-socialized and conversational gentleman. I'm fine if he wants to buy me coffee and talk for a long time in English... I'm even fine if he wants to "shaberu" (chat) in Japanese. But I'd really prefer he pay me for it and leave it at that.

I thought I'd go out to eat with him tonight since dinner provides a more relaxed atmosphere. Of course, I figured he'd want to pay and that I might even let him because I supposed that we were sure to talk for more than an hour and I expected he would only pay me for an hour. This was correct-- we were at the restaurant for a little over two hours and he paid me for one-- but between letting him pay for dinner and the our easy-going "free conversation," I felt like I went on a date and was paid for it.

Am I just feeling guilty for making easy money? Or is this guy getting the wrong impression? I signed up for an English Teaching job, not a dating-service. I don't like feeling as if my lessons are "dates" but I don't see any real way around it.

I need money desperately, so desperately to travel. I think it's worth the discomfort if I can stand it (and if I can stay safe). But I feel so, so dirty right now.

Look at me, I'm the crazy gaijin. Look at my long legs, touch my blonde hair, marvel at my blue eyes, gawk at my round American booty, use me up for my English and when you're done throw me out with the countless others as you've done before.

I'll feel better after I take a shower. I just pocketed some filthy money. With this, as any such "business," I'm sure I'll get used to it. Eventually.

Ugh.