jazz and whine
Another good day turned to crap for excruciatingly trite reasons. What was a marvelous, AMAZING time at a jazz club was supposed to be free turned but out to cost $30. Yes, it was a good time and well worth the money but the shock of having to again empty my wallet made me emotionally crash. Didn't help I had a lot of wine in me either.

I know I shouldn't care so much about money but I was going to go to Yokohama on Sunday and had planned on spending around $40 for the trip. I've blown budget this month so much that now I can't go. I also already cancelled a potential first lesson ($25) with a language client because of said trip and now I've lost my chance. Crap.

I had a great time tonight, I really did. I looked good, I felt good, I ate well and I drank well until the time I expected to be free turned out to break my budget. I really just can't manage here.

I'm supposed to go traveling with two friends (well, Justin and Alex) during Spring break and I would LIKE to have the chance to, rather than sit at home, go to Hokkaido, Okinawa and Kyoto/Nara while I'm here. I have no idea how I'll get the $3,000 or so that it will take, especially if everything here keeps costing about 3x as much and taking about 3x as long as I expect.

I'm really pissed right now because I had a great time tonight UNTIL I had to shell out $30. Now all I want to do is cry. But I'm drunk anyway. At least it was a good, expensive Shiraz. Even though I was told by the invitee that there wouldn't be a charge, what we all paid was well under what the cost would have been otherwise between a $10 cover, $14/glass or $60/bottle wine and horribly overpriced (But tasty!) appetizers. I shouldn't complain about the cost because it was worth it. But the fact is that spending that money ruined my night emotionally, it can't be fixed, and I'm pissed about it. Why do I care so much?

At least taking the day off on Sunday instead of going to Yokohama will give me more time to study and maybe a bit to walk around the neighborhood and see things for myself. I guess I can took forward to it. I don't know WHY I am so depressed but I can't stop myself any more. I just want to go home. I wedged myself into a corner of the crowded subway train from Roppongi, took as much pressure off my aching feet as possible (the boots are great but of course kill me because of the heels) and tried not to cry. Even when I'm so upset I can't hold back the tears, I still can't let it out. I haven't had my breakdown yet but it's coming... afterwards I hope I feel better.

I wish I could not worry about spending money. I wish I had no morals so that I could just go be a hostess (despite the poor hours) and actually have an income. I'm supposed to be living off $10 a day, which I thought would be plenty but instead between train fare, food, school supplies and other neccessities I'm already hitting that mark WITHOUT budgeting for travel and entertainment. Grah. Oh well, I'm sure it will balance out. I felt serendipitous yesterday until I was thrown completely off balance. I guess my emotional footholds are still tenuous.

I know money can't buy happiness but it would sure relieve my stress. Since I don't have time for a job, or even time to invest in some quality activities like clubs, charity or exploration, what I really need is a rich, mysterious benefactor. Hey... rich, mysterious, benevolent benefactor... are you out there? I have paypal....