HELL.health.HELP
Before we left, we had to attend numerous seminars and recieve paperwork detailing, to a T, the exact course our emotional adjustment in Japan would follow. Of course, while I recognized the valid universality of it all, I thought it mostly new-age bullshit. That was before I hit this downward arc and began spiralling out of control.

I'm homesick like HELLA. I want my quiet life and my friends in Eugene.

I'm PISSED OFF at the University Bureaucracy even moreso here than at home. My classes are a COMPLETE waste of time and on top of that they now waste one and a HALF hours of my time rather than only fifty minutes. ARGH. Supplemental readings aside, I benefit NOTHING from any of the lectures which I currently attend, including Japanese. If I weren't an anal-retentive, anxiety ridden, "good girl," I would just stop going. But I can't because I aim to please.

The question now becomes... who am I trying to please? I am NOT happy. I am NOT having fun. The only things I see are obligations, appointments, errands, homework and plans for weeks and weeks. I cannot relax. I cannot let go. When I am around other people I either rant and moan if they are my "friends" or withdraw entirely because I am completely overwhelmed by the company of strangers and the sheer VOLUME of people here. I cannot function in polite society.

When I am by myself, on the other hand, I am constantly trying to keep up with everything else going on in my life. Homework, studying, practice. Everything takes three times as long as it should and still I don't remember anything. My Japanese is not improving and I have no willpower to speak it. There is only English here.

I am constantly irritable and tense. I haven't smiled or laughed for days and even the "fun" things I do are only for show.

My heart rate is well over 70 beats per minute at all times and as a result of the stress I feel my arrythmia pretty much constantly now. You could break a 2-by-4 across my back and the sheer stiffness of my muscle would cause it to shatter. I can't sleep because I spend every waking moment plagued by the fear that if I don't do SOMETHING- anything- NOW to keep myself "on schedule" that I will become lost. I find myself falling asleep on busses, on the train and in class. If I spend one moment not thinking in some way about what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, I freak out and get back to it.

I am more and more frequently prone to dizziness, headaches and nausea when in loud or crowded places. My breathing rate is shallow and insufficient. I cannot, cannot, CANNOT relax because my brain is full of contradictions. I should sleep more.. but I should also get out more. I should do less homework... but I should also be improving at Japanese AND I never have time to study my flashcards anyway.

I have had this problem for years but being here has only now compounded it to the point that I'm manifesting physical symptoms and can barely function. The homesickness really just started to hit. The rest of it has been troubling me for about two or three weeks and is growing progressively, disfunctionally worse. If this isn't some sort of anxiety disorder, then I don't know what is. At this point I cannot imagine how other people manage to function in their daily lives. Perhaps I should try medication? I would jump on it and find me some valium but I'm terribly afriad of becoming a drooling zombie drug addict. Crap.

I NEED to change something. But what?

More sleep, first of all. That much should be obvious but already conflicts with my desire to get out more and do less homework.

I need ME time. Down time. But I find that impossible with my brain going like it is. I also feel that it is impossible because every other moment someone wants me to do something WITH them and I go do it because it's SUPPOSED to be fun. But I never have fun.

I need to care less about school. Why the hell do I care so much anyway? Who will even notice if I don't pull straight A's for ONCE?

I need to care less about money. I cannot enjoy myself if I feel physical pain every time I part with a dollar. I will be OK. I WILL BE OK.

I need to find some time to share with my host family.

I need to eat better and exercise more. I'm getting fat and it is NOT NOT NOT acceptable. Not only will this cause my self-esteem to plummet and for me to return to destructive eating habits and awful internal monologues but it will also, practically, make it impossible for me to wear my pants. And I cannot buy new pants here. I already have a huge ass and huge thighs that cause me to balk every time I see myself in the window... I don't need a huge gut to go with them.

Anyway, enough whining. The fact is that I'm barely functioning 90% of the time and the other 10% I'm not having any fun. I'm here in this incredible city and all I can think about is how much it sucks to be here. I need to be able to be happy on a day-to-day basis but I think I forgot how to do that a long time ago. I don't know WHY I did but I do know that if I am every going to be able to recover, NOW is the time to do it.

I saw a boy on the street today who was saying KONNICHIWA to everyone and everything that he passed. All he wanted to do was run down the street, followed by a woman who was probably his caretaker, and greet people to their faces. When I heard him come up behind me, I thought he was hitting on the ladies. But then he continued on, almost at a run, greeting the hoardes of people as they passed. He looked perfectly normal and sane. Perhaps he was. Regardless, he was extremely happy and for a moment, watching him, I was too. I want some of that.

Tonight I'm going drinking with Reinier and some of his friends from another University. It will be nice to get out of the disgusting high school clique that is the Kokusaibu. I intend to get thoroughly sloshed, at the neglect of alcoholic calorie content, and LET GO for a while. Tomorrow Erin and I are going to Velfarre with my discount coupon to DANCE and free ourselves. Don't worry, no alcohol will be involved there as I only have so much money and no real desire to become some sort of weekend lush.

Right now, however, ANYTHING will suffice just to make me happy.

Any ideas on how I should fix my poor, broken body and mind? I'm open.