Fall
Amazing weather today. No school. Time for a movie, a trip to the bank, my $40/hr English lesson and a few hours at the gym. So why do I feel so wretched? It seems a bad sign to me when even the "good days" are unbearable.

I took myself to the movies this morning. My first time going alone and I was elated to find the theatre (in Shinjuku no less), get there early and actually recieve the Wednesday "ladies' discount" for a Y1000 ticket.

I realize how much now I treasure doing things alone. I don't think I've ever liked doing anything in a group but here it becomes even more impossible and frustrating. Everything is so loud and so busy that in a group you're forced to struggle to keep up and struggle to communicate. Alone, I can take all the time I want to sit passively or take charge, to withdraw or interact, to move slowly or quickly. I don't have to confuse anyone else's agenda. I'm a confirmed loner... but an extroverted one. How strange!

Despite my giddy success at being a moviegoer, the rest of my day was overshadowed by a deep depression. Of all the bad days so far, today may have been the worst since my first jet-lagged delirium. Perhaps seeing Matrix Revolutions was a bad idea. It wasn't a "travesty" as I've heard it called and I did enjoy it... but not in the sense that I enjoyed the first Matrix. Neither Reloaded nor Revolutions is a fun movie. This one had me either cleched up in anticipation or on the verge of crying the whole time, probably just as a product of my current mindset. Anyway, I thought it was a fitting ending to a three-part epic saga. It did leave me a with a substantial list of questions (SPOILERS) but I expected as much.

The real travesty was how the movie made me feel. After leaving the theatre, I spent the rest of the day feeling as if I'd woken up from a terrible and traumatic dream. I walked down the street feeling only sadness. Not the poetic sadness I usually feel, either, but a strange empty and hopeless sadness. I think what made me so sad was the acknowledgement that I don't like it here.

If I can't even find happiness in this greatest of moments, at this pinnacle of opportunity, I don't think I will find it ever in my life. I am never happy at rest and never happy when I am involved in something. I am only happy in transition between on moment and the next, in the free time between obligation. Right now I have no love in my heart, for myself or for anyone else. It has fallen out down some long, dark subway staircase and been carried somewhere far away. I am empty and I am looking for something to fill that emptiness.

Instead of hope, I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall. I don't think that what I seek is here. I truly think that this city, this existence, is meaningless. The only inevitability is the eventual end of it all. In between there is only want, need, suffering and frustration.

In my heart, I want to believe that there is some deep connection between people, some universal truth and some unfathomable love but being here has only made me feel more separate and alone. I'm overwhelmed by the virulent, almost offensive, presence of humanity in Tokyo. A swarm of homo sapiens on every corner. Walking, standing, talking, ignoring the other thousands. Every day. Every night. One turn after the other.

I can see no meaning in it. I can see no pleasure in it. And it makes me so unbearably sad that there is nowhere here to hide away from it because the constant exposure is rubbing me raw. I never realized that I could be a "country bumpkin" until I came to Tokyo. There is a large part of me that likes quietude and solitude and that overwhelming part despises this city.

I apologize to the readers I have who either live or have lived here and have any affinity for this city... but right now I think it is a terrible place and it crossed my mind more than once today that it seems appropriate for it to have burned to the ground so many times throughout history.

I've spent years just going through the motions and looking forward to the chance to tear it all down and go somewhere amazing and real like Tokyo... but now that I'm here I realize that was a false ambition. I'm a worthless cog here just as I am everywhere else. It's all the same and I'm stupid for seeking something that I can't find. Happiness is just not my lot in life. Perhaps I can accept that and just move on. Perhaps not. Ugh.

I wish there were something I could change to make myself feel better. I'm trying, I really am, but there just doesn't seem to be anything. I look forward to my chance to travel more than anything but I don't think that will even be all I've made it out to be. My travel fund is as of yet nonexistant since I've needed all the money I've made from working for my stupidly large living expenses. Any ideas where I can come up with about $3000 aside from prostitution? I'm beginning to regret ever signing up with the modeling agency. Every time they call me to tell me I didn't get a job, I just hate myself more.

I cling to every good feeling that I have and every amazing moment I see througout the day but nothing ever lasts. I'm sick of this place and I'm sick of every other place I've ever been. I just can't pick it up at all.

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I know it's usually my policy to avoid writing such trite crap because I'll probably feel better if I can manage to get any sleep. But I've got to say SOMETHING when I feel this bad and it ain't getting any better. Sigh. But hey, misery always makes other people feel better about their own lives. So enjoy it while it lasts.... cos I plan on getting happy sometime soon. After I figure out why I'm here (anywhere? even bothering to care?) if it all sucks so much.