fire
Oh. My. God. Look.

Heaven on fire
Oh, how quaint. Glacier National Park is on fire. Large fires encroaching on the main entrance AND Going to the Sun Road. Thirty-two hundred acres at ZERO percent contained. They evacuated West Glacier today. Winds are 10-20 miles per hour, fires moving just as fast. Temperatures in the park have been at near 105... this is UNHEARD of. There is no snowmelt left. And the air quality? Heh.

Fire maps. See that lake down there? We'll be staying near the top of the lake on the right. See the number "2" in the phrase "Heavens peak 1 & 2" up near the fire? That "2" is resting on Going to the Sun road, the only road to Logan Pass. The road is closed today because the fire flared up and swept through the loop where that "2" is. It melted some porta-potties to the ground.

We leave for Hell in three four weeks. This will be an adventure. I pity Micah and Rachel (our first-timers this year) but I, for one, am looking forward to it. It's sad, yes, and it will be hard to hike if we can't breathe. But it's also scary. Scary, crazy, and beautiful. Oh, and DANGEROUS. *grins* Bring your gas masks.

Hood River




pictures from this past weekend.

The end of an Era
I feel much clearer now, somehow. More later on all that has changed in the last four days... and a lot has, internally.

Only in Dreams
Even as I say goodbye to friends who are leaving now and who I might not see again before departure, I feel nothing. Even as my departure approaches, I feel nothing. But the closer it is, the more I want to lie down and sleep. In dreams I find the sadness and the love, the elation and the fear that I lack in waking life. I dream of things related and unrelated to leaving here but they all seem strangely appropriate. The dreams themselves are abstract but the emotions are lucid. When will they surface?

criminal
Damn, what is UP with this stuff?


-Last week I accidentally shoplifted a pair of sunglasses from Albertsons. I like them so I haven't bothered returning them.

-At Country Fair Justin wasn't charged for a $4.50 piece of pie and didn't realize until the next day that the reason he had so much money left over was because he only paid for my drink.

-At the BBQ I discovered I can jank my neighbor's wireless connection and MP3 collection.

-Last night we got 2 student tickets (without ID) for Pirates of the Carribean and then theatre hopped to T3 because it started 10 minutes after Pirates ended.

-This morning I discovered that the TicketsWest lady at Safeway charged me for 2 Saturday Country Fair tickets but only ONE Sunday ticket... so Justin got in for free. (But bought the food the whole day so we're even.)


I'd be a little concerned but, for the most part, this stuff is accidental or circumstantial. I don't feel BAD about any of it, just weird that it's been happening. My "Chaotic Good" alignment is showing through. Moral relativity. Heh.

Karma
Oh wow, so I guess God (whoever) decided not to tax me in karma for those sunglasses I accidentally stole from Albertsons the other day. Guess who gets free wireless in her apartment? Guess who gets FOUR BARS of connection in the bedroom and at least 2 everywhere else??!?!? Oh, it's ME! Wow, what a lucky accidental break. Thanks for looking into it, Alex. ; ) I can't believe I get a free wireless connection! I've never even gotten free cable! It's like it was all bundled up ready for me to plug in with my new laptop. Oh, and the best part is... I can pirate MP3s off the shared documents of the neighbor's computer. HAHAHAH. I can stream pr0n in my bedroom. That makes my WEEK. <3

Thanks for a great time tonight, my fellow Eugenites. Props to the 14 of you that came over. I have to say that the last twelve months have been just about the best 12 months of my life. I've been through a lot of emotional SHIT but I do that every year... this year I was in the most stable and friendly surroundings I've been in since early high school. I've grown so much and been so blessed by the company of friends. For the first time in a long while, I haven't felt alone. In a way, I'm sorry that things are changing so much so soon... but I know that they would change eventually anyway. We make the best of what we have while we have it.

I love you all.

New Friend
Added the livejournal of D.C. Simpson ("Rain on Pavement"), the artist/author of the comic strip Ozy and Millie-- the same strip that inspired Alex and I to name our new G4 laptops Ozymandias (Ozy) and Millicent (Millie) after our respective personality similarities to the characters.

Does it seem to the rest of you that the days go faster as you get older, or is it just me?

spontaneous generation
My betta fish (named Fish and Fish) are getting old. They're getting sick more often, dirtying their water faster and not responding as much to treatment. They both seem to have difficulty with buoyancy (one always has); one has to struggle to the surface and the other has to struggle to the bottom. At least they're happy being warmer now... their bowls were next to a shady window and they only got up to 60 degrees or so. Now that they're in the sun they can have 74-80 degree water.

The heat doesn't help much with algea generation. One of the fish always has dirty water, a slight silty green-yellow color, no matter what I do. The other, however, does not. I wondered why for a while. Was he just cleaner? Pooped less? Ate more? I wondered until I looked REALLY closely at the bowl the other day. There are little snails living on his plastic plant. Little, fragile, clear-shelled SNAILS!! Not hundreds of them, but a handful.

Where the HELL did they COME FROM? Spontaneous generation went out with the middle ages and thinking about magic snails in my fish tank just makes my head hurt. Were there snail eggs in the food? Were there snail eggs hiding on the live plant I had in his tank a while back? I didn't SEE any snails until recently... and there have been at LEAST a few months' cleanings between the replacement of the live plant (which eventually died) with the plastic one. What gives? WHere did these snails come from?

Now I wonder if I can export some of them from the one fish's bowl to the other and see if it takes care of his water cleanliness. The fish whose bowl the snails are in seems to do OK. He had a near-death experience around Christmas (got really sick, became blind in one eye, couldn't swim, wouldn't eat) and I thought he would die for sure. But after some rest and treatment he got better. They've both been around for almost three years now-- past their usual pet-store lifespan despite my negligence. Does anyone know if mini-tank snails are bad for betta fish?

card of the day



The Miser

The moment you become miserly you are closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing. The moment you start clinging to things, you have missed the target--you have missed. Because things are not the target, you, your innermost being, is the target--not a beautiful house, but a beautiful you; not much money, but a rich you; not many things, but an open being, available to millions of things.

-Osho Ancient Music in the Pines Chapter 2

"This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself--including the feathers and furs of living creatures--that she has made herself ugly in the effort. This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn't be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels--it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you're holding on to, remember that you can't take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring."

Now there's some food for thought. Want to see for yourself?

SuperFREAKs!
Two days of Country Fair. Two utterly exhausting, satisfying, amazing days. I like to tell myself that country fair is like a mini Burning Man but I don't think it's quite that intense. (Besides, Burning Man is hardly as commercial.) What I have convinced myself of, however, is that I NEED to volunteed for CF next year (or the year after) so that I can stay in Tent City and experience afterhours. A year and a half of Ren Faires has taught me that THAT'S when the REAL party is. And I wouldn't miss this party for the world.




more...

Listen up
This is probably about you. As if you really care.

The previous entry is a private post.

She's come undone
Is it just because I'm so wasted tired? Or have I actually gotten really fucking dumb? Christ, I'm so pissed off at myself that I can't stop crying. I'm a bloody moron. I was actually talking to myself today. At the gym and in the car. Calling myself names. I slapped myself in the face several times as hard as I could (a-la American Beauty). I'm losing it.

Breaking the Seal
MMM. New Toys. They're here. And I only had to go through hell and high water to get them.

On the day before the purchase, I deposited a $400 check into my account via a local ATM. The next day, the check hadn't cleared. Thanks a fucking lot, Bank of America. They said it's because my home account is un Washington and this is Oregon but whatever. I needed $2000 and had only $1733. Except that I read it $1773 so when I had Alex spot me $244 and charged $1750 to my account for the purchase thinking I'd have a $20 buffer, I in fact overdrew my checking account by $16.78. I didn't find this out until later in the day, about the time I was planning on going home. Needless to say it put a damper on my FUN and gave me a BIG, FREAKING headache. I didn't get a chance to enjoy my new stuff very much.

After 5, I biked home to get the car so I could pick up Alex and all our boxes at his work and hang out. Now I needed to shove a bank trip in there, too, complete with all the theatrics to make sure they wouldn't fee my account. I went to the bank, mortified that I had to borrow a $20 check from my equally poor boyfriend to cover my ass. I HATE borrowing money; it makes me feel ill. I'll only do it very rarely and when I do I pay it back PRONTO. (Speaking of which, I have a check for you, Alex.) So I get to the bank and the first thing I have to do is ask the teller to waive the fee for making the deposit because I have an "ATM only" checking account. Then I tell her that I accidentally overdrew my account because "I don't think the check I deposited yesterday went through." (I already knew it didn't.) She says, no problem, I tell her I'm mortified and she says it's OK, she'll waive the fee. So I got saved from breaking out the waterworks to save myself $25. Anyway, I tell her to check my account balance to make sure, and she does. It's $182. Um, what? Where did two-hundred dollars (less my overdraw) come from? I'm so confused. Did they only cash part of the other check? Eh??

Well, as it turns out, between the time I checked my balance at work and when I got to the bank, my mom deposited the $200 loan I asked for this month. And the fact that the deposit was made so close to the overdraw (before it actually went through), it cancelled it all out. I deposited Justin's check just in case and paid him back the next day.

So that was my first near heart-attack. Then I had some time to enjoy my new machine. Her name is Millicent after Millie from the Ozy and Millie comic strip. She's a fully-loaded (read: Superdrive, 640MB ram, 60GB hd, Airport) 12" titanium powerbook. I think I've fallen in love with her. Over the last few days she's become host to over a three gigs of fine, fine software (oh, don't worry, it's all "shareware" *cough*), stored a few gigs of MP3s (not nearly all of them-- but she shares them loverly-ly with my iPod), sorted some pr0n and photojournalism pics, burned one CD, played some games and watched one DVD. She r0xx0rs my b0xx0rs. And she shares all my music, contacts, and calendar events so nicely with my 15gig iPod named Emily. Hehehehe. Don't ask, I thought it was cute. I've really been enjoying mobility. These toys go with my everywhere (Well, the free printer stays at home for the Little Man). I have wireless capability for Millie almost everywhere I go and Emily is much more totable than my freaking CD player and CD case at the gym. Everything is soooooo sleek. I just want to pet it and purr. So I will.

purrrrrrrrrrrr

I was at the gym today making small talk with one of my gym guys who was asking me about my iPod when I realized, out of the blue, that I had made a huge mistake. A fucking $300 mistake. In my haste to send out my rebate early, I forgot to include a photocopy of my reciept. I included both the cut-out UPCs and the form, but no reciept. Shit, shit, shit. The rebate place is in Indiana. Anyway, the instant I realized that I'd forgotten to include my reciept, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, it seems silly now, but you know you'd be fucking pissed off too if you thought you might not get a $300 check because of your own stupidity. What hit me the hardest, really, was the surprise of it. I FELT it slam into me and after staggering around for a few minutes I just emotionally went down.

At first I was pissed. I sat there saying "shit shit shit" and "FUCK" over and over again. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Where the hell was my brain??? I put on my cold face and walked out of the weight room. I went into the cardio room and tried to work out but I was too upset. At that point my cursing changed into "what should I do? what the hell should I do?" Then I just lost it. I walked out into a hall, sat down on a bench while Justin did EFX and just cried calling myself a stupid whore the whole time. After I started crying, I thought about a lot of stuff. All the upset I've been censoring, all the feelings that are being repressed. I thought about it all and I couldn't stop crying. By being a Stupid Fucking Blonde I gave myself a little chance to vent off some steam. For fifteen minutes I sat on the bench and cried. Only two people asked me if I was OK. I politely told them that yes, I was physically OK, but that I had just realized I had done something really stupid and I was pissed off. I thanked them for their concern and went back to sobbing. After fifteen minutes on the bench, I went into the bathroom and held onto the sink. I thought I was going to throw up. I've only cried hard enough to vomit twice before in my life and it wasn't pretty. I knew I wasn't there yet so I just leaned against a wall and let go.

I thought about leaving. I thought about breaking up. I thought about lying and cheating and starving and death. The whole time I was calling myself a Stupid Bitch I was laughing at myself inside. Because I knew that in a few minutes I'd pull it together, put on my game face, cut off the pain and go back to being OK. And that's what I did. I blew my nose, splashed my face with cold water, towelled off, and waited for my eyes to stop being so red.

I haven't cried in a long time. There have been many, many months where I cried a little every day. But those tears usually last a minute or less. This was a good twenty minutes of Time Out. I thought I might lose it. My shoulders were shaking. I could feel the insanity of breakdown creeping over me. I could feel it but I stopped it. Not yet, I said. Not yet. I have loose edges on this tarp that's holding my emotions down, you see. The suddenness and surprise of the realization of my stupid action just RIPPED the fuck out of one of those corners.

But now I'm OK. I'm not feeling anything again now other than a slight horniness and malcontent. My usual. I'm not ready to wake up from this chrysalis. It's not my time yet. And anyway, I was overreacting. I found two fax numbers and an 800 number to the rebate center and more people were incredibly helpful to assist with my stupidity. It will all be fine.

I have fun toys, I have friends, I have sex for when I need to let it out. I'm pleasant. I'm amicable. Who needs emotions?

The First Born

Characteristic Bad Feeling: Guilt [SO TRUE ARGH...]
Strategies for survival: Placating, Covering Up [??]
Felt Loss: Love [yup.]
Sense of Justice: People should get what they deserve [not so true so much]
Strategies for solving the original challenges: Wait for attention [makes sense]
Thought Pattern: Research [YES and NO. Reasearch and Intuition. Depends on the subject matter.]
T-shirt: "I don't know, what do you think?" [AAAAAAAHAHAHA! YES!!!]
Childhood Behavior: Demanding, Show off [But... mooooooooooommmmmmm....]
Emotional Expression: Flat [?? not so sure, maybe?]
Source of Anger: Lack of Respect [shit yeah. You betta recognize!]
Nature of Humor: Teasing/ Shock - outrageous humor [ ; ) ]
Means of Relating: Placating [??]
Means of relating: Works to impress others to get their admiration [sorry, I'm a brownnoser]
Whom they understand on a gut level: Just other first borns [um, no.]
Spirituality: Relational spirituality, wants to have a loving community [a harem maybe...]
Relational: Fears others may be offended, Feels obliged to satisfy others; Placater [YUP. A huge problem.]
The Child Within: Feels Abandoned [YUP.]
Type of Procrastination: Dreaming instead of doing (Puts off doing practical things while dreaming of accomplishing great things) [Big YUP.]
Blind spot: Inability to tell what he/she thinks, feels, wants [so true it's scary]
Boundaries: Others have absolute boundaries [meaning, I see other people in terms of absolutes. But not myself? maybe true]
A walk in the woods: Plunges into the woods pursuing distant goal, gets into difficulty [Hell yes.]
Careers: Business, Research, Counseling, Promotion, Speaking [no, no, yes, yes, yes]
Strengths: Goal-setting, Compromise, Leadership [yes to all three]
Parenting: Directs children towards dreams [I hope so]
Marriage: Goes along with what partner wants [pretty much yeah... it's much easier when someone else chooses]
As Friend: Compromising, Serving [as a hostess, yes. As a doormat, no.]
Social Contributions: Discoveries, Information, Dreams [yes.]
Expression of Love: Agreement [absolutely. that's really it. I'd never thought of it that way before but you're right.]
Driving Style: Cautiously, As if everyone is out to get him or her [I don't think so??]
Listening Style: Listens only to others, not self [yeah, but I'm bad at listening to others, too]
Common Phrase: "I don't know" [wait, wait, I have to laugh it's so true.... hahaha]
Effective Confrontations: "I would appreciate it if you would..." [yes, and I will smack you]
Responds To: "You may not agree with this, but...." [probably]
Thought patterns: Relate things to the future [always]


What's your birth order? (via Trinity)

And for my mate:

Only Child/First Child: If you are an only child male, you can make this a good relationship by understanding that the first born is often vague about what she feels, wants or needs. By paying close attention to her nonverbal communication, you can orient yourself to her. Unless you pay attention to nonverbal cues, this could be a difficult relationship for you. You will be trying to satisfy her as you imagine she wants rather than knowing her. . If you are a female only, your relationship with a first born is likely to be compatible. He will tend to rely on you for direction.

toys...
Have toys... will rave tomorrow. Must sleep now.

P.S. YAY!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane...
Well, ducklings, it's becoming real. Today I got my plane tickets to Tokyo. They're here; they're in my hands.

I leave on the 16th from SeaTac on Air Canada. Stop in Vancouver for a few hours, then straight to Narita. Nine hours, 45 minutes on that second plane. Yay. Wow, I'll be messed up losing a whole day. I mean, shit, I leave at 1:15PM and arrive at 3PM the next day. Uffff. But knowing me, I'll probably sleep the whole way anyway and have been up all night the whole night before. I'm a young'un, I should adjust in two days or so.

But, wow. I'm actually going. I paid for it myself. That makes it so much more... awesome.... (I'm at a loss for words).

I raised over $14,500 in scholarships. If I got my act together, maybe I could make some money off my website. $5,000 would be nice! =D

And tomorrow... tomorrow, guess what? I get my shiny new laptop, iPod and printer! Freaking FINALLY!!! I also have more money than I thought, due to the fact that I cannot add and my credit balance is $165 more than I expected. Huzzah!

I'd be feelin' the love if I weren't in my weird emotionless state right now. They'll be back soon, the feelings. Let's pray I don't do anything too stupid with them. But I will. I always do. But that's the fun of it, ne?

Another Life
Third Eye Blind- Out of the Vein

(hidden track)
People�s eyes say I�m no damn good
Shook down and left lonely
Only with the maybe we could
I stay inside cause I�m misunderstood
I can�t get no release

I�m shell shocked from some heavy blows
A stranger to the people I know
Who used to say 'he never had a down day'
Now I�m holding on to can�t let go's
And silence brings no peace

Because another life
Went through my window pane
And I don�t know why
I�ve got a will to burn

In attic rooms I just shut my door
For seven weeks or maybe seven more
It�s like I face a seven headed whore
The fight�s knocked out of me

Theres no measure for grief
And I can�t find it with the sound
Break down
The great god of the hand me down
Holding the past around
Wound up at the lost and found
Where the colors all run to grey

I�m coming back from down day
Colorized
The city�s plays a double feature today
And ife is long
And something is wrong
But I want to know what�s going on
And on

In another life
Cause it�s good again
And it will never die
I�ve got a will to burn
To see you again
It�s like another life
It�s like I�ll not get better
A will to burn

Time goes by and I realize
That I�m alright
You thought nothing would be the same
But life comes round again
Quick wits and all curious
I'm all caught up in what you say
And makes me grab the time
Before it slips away

I can�t stay and I cannot wait
And I�m grateful
To whistle past a graveyard gate
The flicker fade is getting stronger
Like when the days start getting longer
I've got the rhythm down now in the places we warred
The Golden Gate is like my diving board
And life is pointless
But what's so wrong with that

Cause theres another life
And a sweeter pain
And it will never die
We got a will to burn
To see you again
It's like another life
I feel the whole thing coming
The will to burn
To see you again
It's like another life
I got another life
I got another life

Now on Sale!
Warning, list ahead!
UHM. Can I just say I'll be happy if I never give myself permission to shop again!?!? This weekend, between a few trips to the mall, Ross, and REI, I picked up $214 in clothing purchases and another $35 in personal items. Yes, this covers NEARLY all of the purchases I need to make before going to Japan and yes, it is within my budget... but... the one small problem is that it's not in my budget for THIS MONTH. See, this month is critical because I need to a) purchase Tori tickets and b) have enough cash in my checking account less rent, bills, groceries, tickets, and personal items to buy my $2450 (pre-rebate) laptop, printer and iPod. Jeesus fucking Christ-- consumer america has possessed me and I'm running mad frothing at the mouth. You should have SEEN me today, I was loving every minute of it. Buying this, that and oh, do I need this? NO but it's on SALE!! OK, let's talk about POST FOURTH OF JULY SALES. You think what I spent was outrageous?? Not for what I got. I barely bought one item NOT marked down and that's $55 going back to REI tomorrow because I don't need to buy it until closer to when we go to glacier. That one item-- the nifty light-weight hiking pants that zip down to shorts-- is more than DOUBLE the cost of the next item I got (shorts at AE for $24, which may also go back when I determine whether I really want them or I just THINK I do) and THOSE shorts are almost DOUBLE the cost of the rest of the items I bought.

So, let's see. I got...

2 dresses (13.00 each)
2 skirts (10.00 each)
(OMFG I'm a GIRL!?!?!)
1 pr cargo booty shorts (24.00)
2 pr workout shorts (10.00 each)
2 sports bras (15.00 total)
2 regular bras (15.00 total... OK, and one was from VC, the other CK... can you beat that?!?)
2 pr underwear ($3.00 ... also from VC. Semi-annual sale, you know!)
REI turtleneck ($2 at scratch-and-dent members only sale)
REI hiking hat ($15-- a keeper?)
REI hiking pant/short thinkgs ($55-- to be returned and re-purchased later)
1 pr strappy sandals ($25)
1 pr strappy heels, white ($10-- I love Ross, my god)
2 "favorite tee" from the Gap, white and blue ($10 and $7 respectively-- may return)
3 headbands ($3)
hairbrush ($4)
small purse ($4)
watch battery ($16-- but it gives me a second watch)
wallet ($5-- the zipper on mine broke, too risky for international travel!)

So, bargain shoppers. You want to tease me for spending a lot?? I just got a new fsking wardrobe and if you take off the cost of the pants that I'm returning, I'd say it's worth it... Anyway, I have dear old Rachel to thank. She has about as much shopping stamina as I do, when I set my mind to it! And on top of the things that I picked up today, I still have $59 in budget for clothes, which is more than enough to pick up the last item on my list-- a pair of khakis that FIT. Gotta get pants that fit before I leave; God knows I won't find any there. =D

OK, so I overdid it a little bit this weekend. I won't suffer any in the long run. Now, if I only I can find a way to budget an iSight into that $300 in personal expenses I'm allowing myself.... grrrrh....

Oh, PS: To my lovely readers who HAVE been commenting, as you can see, I finally updated my YACCS code. It didn't occur to me to update it after Blogger updated because I spent so long waiting for the new blogger that I was too excited to think about it even though I knew it needed to be done!

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEP!





Have I mentioned how much I love you guys? <3 summertime. <3 my man-friends.

*kiss kiss kiss kiss*

Squirt gun
So yesterday I got a referral from this site (nsfw on certain links). I don't know HOW I got a referral from the site being as I'm not linked there; nor could I find any pictures of ME in scuba gear. That probably has to be about the weirdest collection of images I've seen in a while, especially because only about half or less of them are pronographic or suggestive. The others are just... girls in scuba gear. Oh, how sexy. It amuses me SO much that I'm almost tempted to re-up my scuba pics and email the maintainer a link. You know, if someone gets their jollies looking at me in a 14mill. wetsuit, that's... uh... weird but more funny than anything. I guess I'm not wearing a 14er in Belize (a 5-3 combo) and there are even some pictures of me with the wetsuit rolled down. But they're hardly suggestive. Like I said... huh, weird.

That's... what I want...
Heeelllllllllll yeah. Guess who just got an $1800 scholarship from the jschool, a waiver for the $75/term 'resource fee' and a "Nice job!" from the assistant dean? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Wai' wai' wai' wait. I just gotta do this because it's so rare that I feel like it..... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. I rock.

The living and the dead
A Eulogy to Lost Pets
We didn't speak the rest of the way home
I was thinking of the heft of the body,
The way all stiffness left with life
And a heavy emptiness took the torso
He swayed in our hands, a bag of light bones
The pavement was wet beneath him
Sable black on asphalt
"Turn around," I had said in the car, But what I thought was
They don't sleep in the road with their eyes open.
He was a dead still warm,
And I saw only two things beyond the staring glow of yellow eyes,
Both carnal and unseeing
The sticky exit of life from both ends
And the flash of collar and license as we
Lifted the body from the road.

-For a small black cat on Spring street 12:15AM 7/3/01

(w)hole:
For Ryan : )

It occurred to me first on Sunday, as we were packing up to leave, that I'd rather end the converation with the empathically-inclined changeling-esque fellow talking to me than listen to his speech. Granted, it was close to 6PM and J and I still had to drive for 6 hours to get home-- but I can remember a time when I would have killed to talk to someone this feeling, this real. I was tired, yes, and I was hot, but I was also feeling old. I didn't want to stand another minute and listen to this man, who was so interested in talking about my life, tire me with his spiritual enthusiasm. Have I had this conversation before? Many times, maybe, maybe not at all. I shut it out, locked it down, and walked away. I went home.

Sure, I talked over the next few days, about occurrences, about family, about purchases, about food, about games, about exercise. But did I talk about anything that matters? Anything besides technicalities and obligations? Eh.

I found myself sitting at the stoplight on Willamette in front of Poppi's Anatolia looking through the window of the restaurant and watching a woman in a hooded cloak drain the rest of the liquid off her tilted plate into her mouth. I thought I used to love this, people watching, I used to love to be here. There was a time when my eyes were open to this city and to this life. There was a time when I walked the streets in places like Seattle and Eugene and reveled in the strange and wonderful nature of human beings. There was a time when I contemplated religion, philosophy, love, soul, birds, ants, earth. Now I take the places, the things and the essenses all for granted. They're simply here to occupy my time as I climb one ladder to another tier. I look down with some satisfaction and some resent and up always with hope. Where I am now is a place where I am both empty and full, happy and sad. I have a contented life, a grateful existence, a spiritual void.

There are two "Mes." One who is here and happy, the other, the Seeker, who is elsewhere and lusting after a forgotten dream. I've always held the Seeker, the malcontent, as more important. I still do, but she has been ignored. We don't talk anymore, not about religion or politics or dreams or emotions or anything real. I'm laughing now because I can recall a time when I said I wanted to find the "real world" and I forsook these things in lieu of chasing what I thought was real. Now I'm parched where before I was full and full where before I was parched. The yin and the yang. The pull of two opposing forces. The scales. There can never be anything else for me. I can have one or the other but never both. If I had both I might die.

I told this to A as we were walking. I noticed how his eyes watched the lark as mine did, how he notices the silhouette of a tree against the sunset sky. How he is all art and dreams and intangibilities. He knows how to converse with the Seeker. In fact, he's the only person (of my peers, I know many "older" people) who can. It's always personal, it's always Real. With others there's a discourse but not connection. Details but no meaning. Concept but no practice. Empty.

But I'm an economist now. I've learned to measure things in checks and balances. Safety. Security. Love. The dimensions of these things are outside the confines of my Ideals. Where I find myself safe, however, I find myself lacking.

Do you know what I want? I want PASSION. I want phone calls for no reason and I want to sit in the sun and not think about finances. I want ME and I want to people watch without being distracted by appointments and demeaning thoughts. I want life without the Internet. I want FUCKING and MAKING LOVE and WAKING UP AT THREE AM TO TALK ABOUT GOD. I want to feel like I'm still looking for the meaning of life.

Is this growing up?

I'm not depressed: I'm actually quite happy. I'm unsated. I'm sitting here in quiet. I'm not alone but I'm lonely. I'm conflicted. I'm missing something.

And I know what I'm missing-- which is why I'm going a-looking for it. I'm missing the spark that comes with discourse. I'm missing that in 90% of my life. I suppose I should value the 10% that I have, expcept that it's hard because it's not where it's suppsosed to be. I should be able to let go with the other people I find. I should be able to nurture that spark without constant discourse. I should be able to be an artist without being in a commune.

Look, I'll be straightforward here. I spend every day waffling about my life. I want this spiritual intercourse from my partner. I want a good, hard-core intellectual fucking from Justin, but I've given up on making that click! because I always just feel like a fool. Does that mean I can't make it work with him? Nooooo. Does that mean I don't love him insanely? Noooooo. But it does mean I'm always falling apart a little bit, always cheating a little bit, always a little bit elsewhere. Is that wrong? No, but I don't like it.

So what to do? It's not like it's his fault that I'm feeling empty. We've already talked about all this. I need my OWN spark. I need to be able to sit on a twilight bench and watch the river and feel full on my OWN again before I can open up. But I'm so mired in all those little nit-picky details about life (you know, the ones that anal-retentives like me so thrive on picking over, like SCABS I say!) that I can't let go. I can't fucking orgasm. I can't scream my head off at the night sky. I can't sleep. Can't enjoy the people, can't taste the food. And you know what else? It's all boiling up under the surface and waiting to explode. It's all there, like some up-against-the-wall fantasy. It's all waiting.

I'm going to cry like hell when I leave. I haven't really yet, even though I wake up in the mornings and look over at him and I feel so full and happy and so sad and sick at the same time. What am I doing? What are you doing, Kat? Where are you going? FUCK. You're doing it. You're going. More than that, you're Going. You're going Looking. It still doesn't feel real though. Only 22 days until I don't see A until next July. But I won't "lose" him. Not after this last year. But what about J and I? Can I stand the pain? When the 10th rolls around and I leave for Seattle, will I spend the night before dosed up on cocktails at my going-away party, telling everyone I love them, puking off the balcony, kissing people? Will I spend it alone and sullen? Will I feel anything when he holds me? Or will I "wake up" two weeks later and spend one morning curled over the toilet in my host family's house purging myself of everything but FREEDOM?

God, I love you all. I love you all so f-ing much. I love some of you so much I'm giving myself up for you. It isn't right. And so.

I'm going. But it's not about Japan. It's about the journey. It's about adventure. It's about looking for that lost something. That spark. That kiss. That thing that fills the void with wonder about the living earth. Where is it? Where?

In the moment between an awkward silence and a rant with A, I thought about where I'm going and I realized that I'm not ashamed. Not about any of it. Not about the lies and the being happy. Nor about the sadness and the sex. I've never done a thing wrong in my life except this closing of myself to other people. Someday soon I'll remember how to give myself permission to have fun again.

It's there beyond the boarding-gate. It's there beyond the chikatetsu and the conjugal visits. It's there in summer, in spring, and in fall. It's even there in Winter. It's not Here. It's not in Japan. It's not in him. Or in Him. It's out there. I'll find it. I'm looking.

Who's one lucky bitch??
Oh man. MEEEEEEE. Things are finally coming together!!

- I'm buying Tori Amos tickets for the 27th of July... $92 is expensive for 2 seats but I've made $100 more than that just doing chores for Justin's mom over the last two weeks. And she'll probably "hire" Justin and I again.

-Country Fair is next weekend, w00t!

-We're staying in town this weekend even though we could go boating with J's family. Driving to Anacortes is just NOT an option with all the travel we'll be doing the next two months. Anyone want to get together and do anything? We also have the option of going up to P-town and staying in J's fam's West Hill's house, watching Portland fireworks, eating good food (partially on their bill) and watching movies on their widescreen HDTV. Anyone want to do that?

-I can take either the Freeman OR AIEJ. Doesn't matter too much. My dad calmed down. I think I'm going to take the Freeman because, all things being equal (meaning my parents take $5,000 in loans and my scholarship covers the difference) the Freeman actually gives me even more spending cash even after a personal purchase of plane tickets. Payment from the loan overflow will still give me about $2440 spending cash or ~$820/ term. Payment from the AIEJ would be about $800 less than that. And the Freeman doesn't leave me worrying about banking internationally.

-I have a plane fare reserved for only $740... It leaves on the 16th of September from SeaTac, makes one stop in Vancouver for 2 hours and goes straight to Narita. 10 hours. And it will only cost me $25 to change the departure date. Huzzah Canada Air!! I've heard they have a niiiice airline, too. Oh yeah, and I got the LAST SEAT on the flight.

-FINALLY, I JUST GOT MY LOAN DEPOSIT FOR MY LAPTOP PURCHASE!!! AAAAAAHHAHAHAHHA!!!! OK, I still have to wait until next week to get my laptop because they don't have the printer for the rebate in stock (and all purchases must be made at the same time) but still... I actually CAN GET MY LAPTOP NOW!!! YAYAAAYAYAYAYAAAYYY!!! Err, next week...

So, after this stuff gets sorted out I need to...
-Buy some clothing items to take with me
-Find a thesis advisor
-Gather thesis materials
-Study Japanese... STUDY STUDY!!
-Turn in my financial aid summary to Lois Yoshinge
-Buy gifts for my mysterious host family
-Get my damn fundraising page totally up and running to see if I can get a few thou in sponsorship before I go. : )

SO BUSY!!! NO TIME!! NO ENERGY!!! HUNGRY!!! LIKE THE WOLF!!!

Faire
In case you weren't reading the blog this time last year, allow me to explain a bit about what this "Faire" scene is, if just because I'll be writing about it for the next several months before I go to Japan.

Really, the whole thing is Justin's hobby. I'm in it by proxy but also because I tend to adhere to strange and eccentric experiences. You can't really find a crowd stranger and more eccentric than those in the Renaissance Faire circuit. We've got fairies, furries, BDSM enthusiasts, Pagans, bellydancers, sword fighters, trekkies, hippies, microsofties, swingers, LARPers, faire booty, etc etc etc. The list goes on and on. I think it goes without saying that everyone is, in some way, a fantasy enthusiast. I mean, DUH, it's a renaissance faire.

So why are "we" involved? Justin's always had a 'thing' for swords. And not in the phallic/Freudian way way that some people (Alex!!) seem to think of it. Before joining the troupe, he'd collected a few odds and ends-- two katanas, a broadsword and a short sword... something like that-- enough that it was apparent he had a bit of a fetish. Enough that before I met him I thought he would be weird and gothy because he collected swords, wore a cloak and owned fitted fangs. Enough to get him almost arrested by the Bellevue police department when he asked me out in an orchard on Kindergarten property while playing Dartanian with a blunted sword. He'd been a card-carrying SCAddian for a few years and attended "fight practices" in Seattle to have the chance to beat on/ be beaten on by other schmucks in padded armor. (Sorry SCAddians, you're just not that cool) Sometime in 2000 he heard about a group in Seattle that did a different kind of re-inactment: choreographed fights with live steel. Combat and acting for renaissance faires, movies, etc. I thought it was pretty freakish at first and I didn't really want anything to do with a bunch of sword-swinging enthusiasts until I met them. Granted, they made me nervous for a good long time but I got over it.

The Seattle Knights are booked for a variety of renaissance faires, school shows, weddings and corporate events in the Washington/ Oregon area. Gigs range from very small to large casts and pay is minimal. It's a hobby, not a job. Only full members of the troupe are paid, not students or trainees.

The summer before last, Justin started his lessons with the troupe. Lessons consist of four classes, each several weeks long, in which students learn various "safe" combat techniques with an assortment of weapons. After all four levels of classes are complete, the students then attend the next season of shows as "grunts." That was last summer. He (and I by proxy) helped set up and take down the camp, ran water, kept up "Shoot a Knight" between acts, and were generally lackeys for the big dogs. As a first-year actor, he was required to lose all his fights except those against other first-years. I was required to stay out from inside the lines during shows and was generally just treated as "family." This year, for some reason, Dameon has adopted me as his "daughter" and included me in the cast list. Like I said, I don't think I'll get paid but I have a role and full troup priveleges. Justin gets to win some fights and doesn't have to get dragged around like the students. He's a helpful fellow though; so he opts to do work whenever neccesary.

What do "we" do at renaissance faires? The Knights are the "main attraction," the group that runs the joust, sword-fights, etc. We act. Sometimes poorly-- (ahem, I'm getting used to it) but we do. Everyone on the field has full combat training but they aren't actually trying to kill each other. Usually they coreograph fights according to what the plot requires.

Sometimes accidents happen. Sometimes not everyone works hard enough to get the audience involved. But there's always a big audience so I assume that everyone loves the Knights. It's weird seeing things from the "inside." I'm certainly NOT the biggest geek there. Justin's certainly not the most skilled fighter (but he's damn good if you ask me). We're both accepted as part of the group. There's some part of me that rebels against slipping into a role. I've always had a difficult time with roleplay (outside of standard social lubrication) and it's hard to be addressed as "Lady" and treated as such all weekend. I'm afriad to let go. But eh, whatever, it's some of the best, cleanest most amusing fun to be had. I'll remember these last two seasons for years to come. I'm even thinking about getting trained on horse and ground myself when I come back from Japan. I bet Dameon would loooove that. =D Can you imagine?

HELLOOOO!??!
Comments, ANYONE???