Breaking the Seal
MMM. New Toys. They're here. And I only had to go through hell and high water to get them.

On the day before the purchase, I deposited a $400 check into my account via a local ATM. The next day, the check hadn't cleared. Thanks a fucking lot, Bank of America. They said it's because my home account is un Washington and this is Oregon but whatever. I needed $2000 and had only $1733. Except that I read it $1773 so when I had Alex spot me $244 and charged $1750 to my account for the purchase thinking I'd have a $20 buffer, I in fact overdrew my checking account by $16.78. I didn't find this out until later in the day, about the time I was planning on going home. Needless to say it put a damper on my FUN and gave me a BIG, FREAKING headache. I didn't get a chance to enjoy my new stuff very much.

After 5, I biked home to get the car so I could pick up Alex and all our boxes at his work and hang out. Now I needed to shove a bank trip in there, too, complete with all the theatrics to make sure they wouldn't fee my account. I went to the bank, mortified that I had to borrow a $20 check from my equally poor boyfriend to cover my ass. I HATE borrowing money; it makes me feel ill. I'll only do it very rarely and when I do I pay it back PRONTO. (Speaking of which, I have a check for you, Alex.) So I get to the bank and the first thing I have to do is ask the teller to waive the fee for making the deposit because I have an "ATM only" checking account. Then I tell her that I accidentally overdrew my account because "I don't think the check I deposited yesterday went through." (I already knew it didn't.) She says, no problem, I tell her I'm mortified and she says it's OK, she'll waive the fee. So I got saved from breaking out the waterworks to save myself $25. Anyway, I tell her to check my account balance to make sure, and she does. It's $182. Um, what? Where did two-hundred dollars (less my overdraw) come from? I'm so confused. Did they only cash part of the other check? Eh??

Well, as it turns out, between the time I checked my balance at work and when I got to the bank, my mom deposited the $200 loan I asked for this month. And the fact that the deposit was made so close to the overdraw (before it actually went through), it cancelled it all out. I deposited Justin's check just in case and paid him back the next day.

So that was my first near heart-attack. Then I had some time to enjoy my new machine. Her name is Millicent after Millie from the Ozy and Millie comic strip. She's a fully-loaded (read: Superdrive, 640MB ram, 60GB hd, Airport) 12" titanium powerbook. I think I've fallen in love with her. Over the last few days she's become host to over a three gigs of fine, fine software (oh, don't worry, it's all "shareware" *cough*), stored a few gigs of MP3s (not nearly all of them-- but she shares them loverly-ly with my iPod), sorted some pr0n and photojournalism pics, burned one CD, played some games and watched one DVD. She r0xx0rs my b0xx0rs. And she shares all my music, contacts, and calendar events so nicely with my 15gig iPod named Emily. Hehehehe. Don't ask, I thought it was cute. I've really been enjoying mobility. These toys go with my everywhere (Well, the free printer stays at home for the Little Man). I have wireless capability for Millie almost everywhere I go and Emily is much more totable than my freaking CD player and CD case at the gym. Everything is soooooo sleek. I just want to pet it and purr. So I will.

purrrrrrrrrrrr

I was at the gym today making small talk with one of my gym guys who was asking me about my iPod when I realized, out of the blue, that I had made a huge mistake. A fucking $300 mistake. In my haste to send out my rebate early, I forgot to include a photocopy of my reciept. I included both the cut-out UPCs and the form, but no reciept. Shit, shit, shit. The rebate place is in Indiana. Anyway, the instant I realized that I'd forgotten to include my reciept, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, it seems silly now, but you know you'd be fucking pissed off too if you thought you might not get a $300 check because of your own stupidity. What hit me the hardest, really, was the surprise of it. I FELT it slam into me and after staggering around for a few minutes I just emotionally went down.

At first I was pissed. I sat there saying "shit shit shit" and "FUCK" over and over again. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Where the hell was my brain??? I put on my cold face and walked out of the weight room. I went into the cardio room and tried to work out but I was too upset. At that point my cursing changed into "what should I do? what the hell should I do?" Then I just lost it. I walked out into a hall, sat down on a bench while Justin did EFX and just cried calling myself a stupid whore the whole time. After I started crying, I thought about a lot of stuff. All the upset I've been censoring, all the feelings that are being repressed. I thought about it all and I couldn't stop crying. By being a Stupid Fucking Blonde I gave myself a little chance to vent off some steam. For fifteen minutes I sat on the bench and cried. Only two people asked me if I was OK. I politely told them that yes, I was physically OK, but that I had just realized I had done something really stupid and I was pissed off. I thanked them for their concern and went back to sobbing. After fifteen minutes on the bench, I went into the bathroom and held onto the sink. I thought I was going to throw up. I've only cried hard enough to vomit twice before in my life and it wasn't pretty. I knew I wasn't there yet so I just leaned against a wall and let go.

I thought about leaving. I thought about breaking up. I thought about lying and cheating and starving and death. The whole time I was calling myself a Stupid Bitch I was laughing at myself inside. Because I knew that in a few minutes I'd pull it together, put on my game face, cut off the pain and go back to being OK. And that's what I did. I blew my nose, splashed my face with cold water, towelled off, and waited for my eyes to stop being so red.

I haven't cried in a long time. There have been many, many months where I cried a little every day. But those tears usually last a minute or less. This was a good twenty minutes of Time Out. I thought I might lose it. My shoulders were shaking. I could feel the insanity of breakdown creeping over me. I could feel it but I stopped it. Not yet, I said. Not yet. I have loose edges on this tarp that's holding my emotions down, you see. The suddenness and surprise of the realization of my stupid action just RIPPED the fuck out of one of those corners.

But now I'm OK. I'm not feeling anything again now other than a slight horniness and malcontent. My usual. I'm not ready to wake up from this chrysalis. It's not my time yet. And anyway, I was overreacting. I found two fax numbers and an 800 number to the rebate center and more people were incredibly helpful to assist with my stupidity. It will all be fine.

I have fun toys, I have friends, I have sex for when I need to let it out. I'm pleasant. I'm amicable. Who needs emotions?