Job Offers and Allergies
Curse you, Alex! All that talk about your eyes itching on Wednesday has made my allergies kick in... blar! Seemed to start Thursday morning- I can tell there's something in their air because the corners of my eyes are tingly. This morning it was worse, sneezed my ass of in Japanese and promptly had to bum snot-rags off Cat to save my poor sinuses. I can still breathe pretty much but I keep sneezing and my eyes are bothering me. Time to break out the Allegra!!

A pleasant surprise today. I've been looking for a summer job with which to split my Microservices position ($10/hr) and was turned down for a comparable position at the Honors College because they want someone to stay the year through. Well, screw them! On a desperate whim, I went to the career center webpage and looked up work study jobs despite my lack of work study. I emailed two positions with a copy of my resume. One is a tech positon for DPS which ended up offering me 15-20 hours a week at $9/ hour and the other a job for the Law Center tech people (they have their own Microserives, effectively... though they seem considerably LESS knowledgeable than Dan + Spencer + Patrick). I was about to take the job with DPS since it took the Law guys so long to get back to me, but they want my hot tech bod full time this summer for $10 an hour and I'm plenty willing to take that offer. SWEET. It does mean working 8-5 but eh, whatever, I can't really complain. I'll get my bling-bling and vacation time too... university jobs are so great. All these people want me for next year too. I'm SO IN DEMAND!! Mua-ha-ha. If Law is nice and if they want me bad enough, I'll go work for them next year at a pay increase.

Anyway, I'm seriously slacking off here- supposed to be doing journal entries in my sister blogs and writing responses to my peers' psych papers but I'm so excited that I can't concentrate. Going to Walla Walla in a few hours! Shows all summer! Almost end of the year! Nice day! Aaaah! My eyes!! *RUB RUB RUB* Dammit...

Ok, whew.

Losing My Honor
Well, it's official... I've finally lost my Honor.
I think it must be in Seattle because it certainly isn't here.
I've been losing it and finding it on and off all winter... sometimes it's returned easily to me and other times I wondered about it for a while before I found it.
But I knew it was leading up to this...
I have no Honor. the damn thing just wasn't attached as tightly it should have been.

I care now much less than I originally did the first time I lost my Honor. I'd planned an elaborate, witty post describing the loss of this precious thing, but it always came back... and now its gone and I don't really miss it. It was more of a pain in the ass than it was worth... but I suppose I'll have to get a new one eventually. Maybe I'll buy some virginity or some honesty instead. But another seven bucksis getting steep if I'm just going to lose them too.

Yeah, so Honor was a wrought metal tag I bought at New Twist in the 5th Street Market last Thanksgiving while waiting for a delayed train. It was at the beginning of my depression and I was just starting to find/lose perspective about certain things. I certainly felt I lacked Honor, on all accounts... so I saw the golden tag and a bought it and put it on my keyring to remind me, at all times, to remain Honorable. Sometimes it taunted me and sometimes things got pretty dark. When they started to get better, Honor started to fall off its keyring, often when I unlocked my bike. So I left it places but I always noticed it was gone and found it again. Sometimes it fell off in my pants pockets. It's been a while since the last time I lost it and even that was brief. This time I can't find it anywhere, pokets, purse, or parking places. So it's gone and I don't mourn its passing. I no longer feel that I need a reminder. Who needs honor anyway? ; )

*****************************************

This weekend Justin, Murray, and I are going up to Walla Walla, Washington for Murray's family's Lamb Roast... so again I'll be out for the weekend with Cat kindly watching Rupert.

Oh yeah and just for you Cat, and because this blog has taken on a lascivious tone lately with dancing penii and all... here is the link to the Toys in Babeland website. I'd forgotten they had a website until I saw it mentioned in someone's blog archives recently. New York and Seattle, baby!! The most grrl-friendly """toy store""" there is!

Justin and I just went out for ice cream at Prince Puckler's.... OMFG, living in sin never tasted so good. Terminal weakness of whip cream only slightly satisfied. Guilt trip setting in... I... want.... MORE!!!

Shared Time
As promised, pictures from the long weekend.

Justin in armor.

And with helm up.

The two of us at Bridle Trails State Park in Kirkland. You can see that my outfit is cool. I, on the other hand, am not. Why does my face do this in pictures? Am I just that ugly? heh.

Later that night, my sisters and I experienced some euphoric strawberry shortcake induced giddiness at Folk Life. We scared a few people. ;)

***************
Realized a few things tonight and, with luck, I'll remember them. Discovered not only that I have a double-standard for change (I favor it yet it angers me) but also why that double-standard exists:

I want things to change because through their change I see more sides of them and come to understand them more completely.

BUT, I come to understand each thing in its passing, so when something changes from one thing to the next, I can then understand what came before and begin to strive to understand the next thing.

The only problem is that the understanding comes for what is past and what can no longer be. Learning is more, but at a greater expense.

Or, less elaborately put... as Joni Mitchell once sang:

Don't it always seem to go... you don't know what you got till it's gone.
*******************************

And for you, Murray, because you haven't yet seen it and because you made me look at dancing penises...Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and Hypothermia song. Oh wait, don't forget Schoolbus!

Waiting for Rain
Ok, inspiration time, folks. I feel a new layout coming on, perhaps inspired by this picture from Exploding Dog. Like all things this, too will pass... meaning I probably will never get around to it, being the queen of procrasti-masti-bation and all fun words and such things. In any case, I might find it too red... but I like the name "waiting for rain." I'm tired of "my so-called life"... no shit this is my life. Whose else would it be? I was also considering "Nine Lives: The Path of Dreams" but I think that might be too hokey. Ach so... we shall see, we shall see.

Calamity
Tried to post pictures last night but Blogger was down... I'll try to get around to it this evening but with the wa my schedule runs on Wednesdays, I might not get around to it. In any case, there's no OV meeting tonight so I'll have a little time. I feel guilty for the amount of 'slacking off' I'm sure Brian and Raechel must think I'm doing. I wasn't able to distribute issues and I didn't edit copy on the last issue or make it to the editing party for this issue... most of it is scheduling conflicts and I want to put in more work but they seem to be unable to let me do what I need to do. Work with me here people, you make me look and feel bad!

It's hard to believe it's Hump Day already. And aptly titled, too. ^^ Teehee. I feel well rested after last night's long sleep... good food, good exercize, a shower and a comfortable bed. I wish it weren't so damn humid out though... it's ridiculous. This time of year last year it was sunny and scorching. This year it seems intent on being cool while sunny (nice) but warm and humid in the rain, which is very unusual for the Pacific Northwest.

Yesterday Justin's mom was in town for clinic (as she had been once a week for the past few weeks) and took us out for dinner at Beppe and Giani's. I love that restaurant. Her schedule was a little pressed because Ted's (Justin's stepdad) mother, Mrs. Burns, is dying or heart disease. Her heart started to fail last weekend. As I understand it, Justin isn't terribly close to the Burnses but they are nice people and I've met them so it's a little weird to think of Mrs. Burns as passing away. I just remember her as a tottering old lady who really likes her gin. They've got a big house up on Orcas Island with a large cabin down on the water below where we sometimes stay during the summer. It's a serene place. Of the couple, I'd have to say that I like Mr. Burns the most... he's pretty charismatic and he seems to find a way to flirt even though he's 84. The Burnses are related to Robert Moran, Seattle's Shipping King, and their family used to own Rosario Resort on the other side of Orcas Island. They've had a pleasant life, to be sure. I hope Ted can cope with the loss of his mom.

It seems ironic to me that when things go to hell, they all go to hell at once. This news about Mrs. Burn's illness follows right in the footsteps of Sunday's announcement that Justin's dad Tim and is splitting up with Bev, his common-law wife of 11 years. Rather, she's splitting up with him. I think she's itchy. Tim's going to be moving from the Rodney St. house into another place, someplace strange and lonely and different and he even had to sell his new Audi TT to finance the mortgage. It's too stupid and complicated to want to think about. Too much is changing for not enough of a good reason. But what do I know.

It's something to which neither of us know how to react. I've always loved Tim and Bev and felt a kindred sprit with Bev ever since I first met her. Those two are an item... I know I can love them as much apart as together, but it won't be the same. It doesn't feel real. It seems foolish and stupid, like something *I* would do, being my age. I may be wrong, but I think I know what Beverly is feeling... that itch she's getting after being in one place doing one thing for too long... but acting on it like this seems stupid for a middle-aged person. I hope she finds what she's looking for, in any case... but that she also realizes that life can't just go back to being the way it was after she finds it. (lesson learned, not that I take it any more to heart) It makes me really angry to see the two of them, people that I had faith in, going through this when their relationship is practically idyllic compared to most people I know. What more can you ask for, I want to know. Maybe my parents only stayed together for the kids (which I appreciate) but I think I have a pretty good idea of what a shitty relationship looks like and I don't believe Tim and Bev's relationship was in any way less than golden. Or silver, at least.

It's stupid, and I can't stand to talk about it with Justin because his hurt hurts me and if this whole blasted thing is giving me issues, I can't imagine what it's doing to him. I'm surprised I don't want to talk about it... I usually want to talk anyone's ear off about anything but it's like talking about it will give it form and if I just ignore it it will go away. But no, it's not going to go away and he and I will have to face it a little more every day until Glacier this year and then Beliz this winter. I guess things just don't last. It seems shallow and zen at the same time.

Is nothing sacred?

I can't feel depressed about this, per se. In part because it's not SO direct and in part because there's no fault of mine in the matter and nothing I can do about it. But there's been something worse than depression lurking in the back of my mind since Sunday, the sinking feeling that I have major issues with all of this that are going to screw me up somehow. That I can't just accept it but that I have to. That I think people are stupid but that I'm not any different or better than they are. That gives me a lot of hope, let me tell you...

I went running on Sunday after Tim called, to blow off steam. As I rounded the final lap of my first mile, I saw the biggest shooting star I've ever seen streaking across the sky. It was just too much and I almost had to stop running for the tears... But it's an omen that I don't know how to read at all. This is something I can do nothing about. What place does hope have in the realm of banal adult love? Where does magic belong if the two least mortal adults I know can't even seem to find it any more?

I've got a little magik, sometimes on the bridge I can call it out and watch it flow around me and follow down the river. I have to accept that things change. I know they will, I know they have to. Things change but I trust that despite the calamity everything will, with time, flow into each other and the universe will be one great whole.

A place with no death and none of the stupidity of adults.


P.S... Welcome Emily to the Land of Lynx...

Much Ado About Something
Wuuuh.... *thud*
Long weekend with lots of ups and downs. I'm ready to call it quits for now and just get some alone-time with Wolf Pup. We had a good time overall, and the shows were fun (I'll try and post some pictures) but remind me not to be a member of court again for a while. I much prefer being a free-ranging maiden than a lady who has to participate in political intrigue. (That, and my character got hit on by Emil the Black... not that he's not cute but... joy) Anyway, I saw way too much and far too little of my family. Went to folk life for a bit, had sushi, walked the beach, played with horses, etc etc etc. I actually managed to get most of (if not all??) my work done.

This weekend spawned a series of random jokes and in-jokes including some Tourette-y nonsense about Sizzler (who the hell eats at sizzler?), the secret life of slugs and dick-itch cookies (don't ask). I also discovered I have a major gripe with the phrase "how do you do?". How do you do what??? What the FUCK does that MEAN? So I say "How do you do?" and you say "Well, thank you." and the whole exchange might as well have taken place between zombie chickens for all the sense it makes. Did the people who invented manners have any concept of BASIC GRAMMAR on top of formality? My theory is that they're all idiots...

Ah, and there was plenty of idiocy. Allie, Liz and I had a pleasant sugar high at the Seattle Center Saturday evening (pictures to come) and successfully scared several people with our sisterly giddiness. Justin left his wallet on the back of the car on our way out of Kirkland from the Bridle Trails show. It had $100 cash, and $50 albertsons and starbucks cards in it. Lucky for him it was returned by some generous lady who picked it up in the street. Very lucky for him. We drove the 8 mile loop between the park and where he noticed it was gone twice before giving up and going home. And its not the first time either, he left it on the car in the Everglades, Florida and didn't even notice until it was reported. Lucky bastard. Not so lucky for other things of which we learned later that night... but I'm not sure if I should print all happenings for the public without his consent. I'm not even sure *I* should talk about it, I don't know if I want to... it just fucks me up more.

Anyway, last night was the warm summer moon and despite the calamity I took a run and encountered some amature weed smokers in the park whilst I jogged. Almost offered them my water to soothe their coughing but it was worth a laugh more than anything. I was lucky enough to see a huge shooting star trace across the sky, behind the clouds and out again to the horizon. It left a sparkling trail as it fell and blazed as it disappeared... the biggest one I've ever seen. A portend of some kind?

Time for me to turn in. I'm pleased to be home, I think, and it's good to blog again.

Oh, and welcome back, Alex-san.

Memorial Day Weekend
Hey guys.

As of this Thurs I'll be in Seattle with Justin until Monday afternoon. I probably won't have much to say, if anything- we'll be so busy. Between two shows, horse practice, folk life and sushi, I hope I have time to see the family! In any case, it'll be fun and I'll write if something profound happens. Ja Mata!

Tibetan Monks
Here are the pictures of the mandala and the ceremony of it's dismantling.

1. The sand and instruments used to create the mandala
2. The mandala itself, in completed form (unfortunately, I don't have a picture of the monks working on it, though we did see them)
3. Close up detail #1... notice the layers and coloring, all loose sand
4. A close up of the center of the mandala. Each colored section represents some aspect of harmony or balance.
5. The monks chant and play some jazzy music before dismantling the mandala
6. A weird blurry close up of the gnarliest old monk... out of focus but I like it
7. Sweeping the sands of the mandala. The old guy first consecrated the center of the mandala and then blurred it inwards from the six spokes you can see here.
8. All that colorful sand, now greyish brown... putting the sand into bags for the audience
9. The procession to the river begins.
10. Ojiisan again...
11. The procession at the river in full garb
12. Ojiisan pours sand, offerings, and some liquid (from this kettle) into the Willamette.

Abudigidals and Eugooglies
By the way, if you haven't seen Zoolander, I highly recommend it. I steered clear of it for a long time because I was convinced it would be entirely stupid and a wast of my time. Well, it was stupid... INCREDIBLY stupid... but it wasn't a waste of time at all. This movie is so dumb it's great. Justin and I rented it on DVD and promptly bought it. I'm convinced that it's good because everyone making it just had such a fun time goofing off... or they must have been really stoned. It also has the most cameos of any movie I've ever seen.

I love it!! It's just SO DUMB!!

Consecration
I'll post the pictures of the Sacred arts of Tibet including the Mandala and ceremony later today and link them to yesterday's post.

I walked to school this morning. Crossing the bridge, it suddenly struck me that now it truly was a place of power. It's always held a certain force... but Sunday it was consecrated by Tibetan monks for the dispersal of the sands of the mandala. How much holier can you get?

Yea Yea
#5 Google Yahoo Search for "free sex pent house pic"

Muahaha

Infinitessimally Small
Sometimes when I wake up alone in the mornings I lay in bed and think about all the other people out there laying in their beds, starkly by themselves, or clutching someone or something to make themselves feel safe. I think about them and I leave myself for a moment, rising above the world to travel from room to room and life to life. There are so many people so many places doing so many things... and I'm unsure whether this makes me feel more or less alone. I am safe, I have what I need. In fact, I have so much of what I need that I am free to expend energy on thinking about things this way. If I were laying in a gutter somewhere, naked starved for food, this philosophy would be lost on me. Even now, there is so much I don't see, so much I don't understand.

This weekend has provided me with a great sense of displacement. I have been drawn closer to my loved ones, to the life I am building here and have also been shown that my life is not everything, that my problems are miniscule, and that what I know is far from being a complete picture of the world.

I met the Tibetan monks on Friday. Eleven of them were visiting campus on "tour" to perform the sacred arts of Tibet at the Willamette Valley Folk Festival. Since Wednesday, they had been creating a sand mandala in the EMU international lounge. Justin and I went to see the mandala and happened to wander in while it was being worked on. The work itself was incredible; bright and intricate- layer upon layer of carefully designed patterns. The monk working on the painting was leaning over it, propped on a pillow and drawing sand lines with a metal funnel. It would take him, like it had taken the others, hours to complete the work.... all so it could later be destroyed.

Later, on Saturday, Cat, Emily and I got together and watched the monks perform at the Folk Festival. Their music was strange and disharmonious but somehow incredibly beautiful. If you've never heard tonal (throat) singing, it's strange to hear a digiridoo sound coming from a human. I wished, while I was listening, that I was in more of a spiritual mindset so that I could harmonize with the monks... but just listening detachedly was enough to blow the floodgates of my mind wide open. I swear to god some of the notes they were hitting really must have serious spiritual resonance. Some of their music and dance was very sad, others was happy and comic but I was simply struck by how *foreign* the whole performance was to me. It was so non-western it was almost eerie. Here were a people right before my eyes that I know absolutely nothing about... their lives are so completely different from mine, yet we are somehow, quintissentially the same.

Sunday morning, the monks ceremoniously dismantled the mandala. The mandala is a sacret ritual in two veins. First, its creation summons deities to bring harmony and peace; second, its destruction releases the deities and represents the unity and impermanence of life. Granted, the monks have been making many mandalas since their "tour" started, but it was still sad to see something so beautiful and so colorful completely eradicated. First, it was blended inward from four corners one way, then four corners the other way, and then all the rest was swept into the middle of the table into a mound. What had once been intricate designs and strikingly different colors all blurred together into a mass of sand almost the color of beach sand. Everyone that was at the ceremony was given a bit of the mandala to take home for peace and happiness. The monks then took the remaining sand to the Willamette river and dispersed it into the water where it will become one with the earth and sky to spread peace... or so they hope.

These alien rituals reminded me of a side of the world I don't often remember exists. I was too afraid to really talk to the monks, I desperately wanted to, but I had no idea what I would say. I felt like an "anthropologist on mars" (to borrow the phrase), like I was completely out of my league even talking to them. I know that they must have been having a strange enough time in our world. So I only bowed politely, took their offering and made my own. Watching them, I felt both peaceful and disturbed; sad that their culture is being destroyed by others but envious of their great peace. I enjoy being mortal too much to let go my hedonism.

Still, I am pleased that I'm capable of seeing both sides of the coin as it's being tossed. I know people who are too detached, so abstract that they can't seem to understand real emotion- anger, fear, love.... I know people who are too gounded, mastered by their concrete emotions, who don't understand dreams or feel wild magik, who would just as rather get a latte than talk about life. I think I'm lucky that I can walk that line and understand people in either mindset. It doesn't earn me a whole lot of friends because they either see me as a sellout or someone with whom they can't identify... but it does help me find some true brethren.

I do have a tendency to be bogged down by the little things, the things that don't matter. I only think they matter. What matters to me might not matter to another; what matters to me doesn't matter to the universe. I might feel whole and spiritual sometimes, like I understand myself and I know my place and my power. But I'm only one human on a ship full of souls adrift in an endless sea. I don't think we're alone, but we might as well be... there are no beacons for us for a hundred million miles. So I am alone and I cling to my loneliness with both arms. I cling to it with my fingertips, with my eyes and ears and lips, with every pleasure I find and with every friendship I meet.

I have this life on this boat (and perhaps many more lives here?) and I plan to learn as much of it as I can. I cannot jump ship, nor hope for enlightenment after I die. For all I know, the blackness out there is infinite. We are our light. We are what sinks the ship and what keeps it afloat. We are the light and this light is God. Together, we are everything and we are nothing.

Alone, we are infinitessimally small.

You Know You Want It...
Sexy Losers is back!!!

So go get some...

And don't complain if it blinds you. If you lack a sense of humor or are naively innocent, you deserve the temporary blindness. Granted S.L. is pretty crass and taboo but um, hell, it's hentai. WTF do you expect?

The Archdemon KLEZ
Oh sweet jesus, I think I've triumphed without a reinstall. No f34r about ripping the registry to shreds since I had all permission to nuke and pave so I took the puppy apart via symantec's kind advice (support pages) and reinstalled NAV. I wonder what files it deleted and if they're anything critical. I'm running a system scan right now but I think I got rid of the virus. If worst come to worst and some files don't work, I can always send her elsewhere for a reinstall. As much as I love Fukuda-sensei, I don't want to be her tech bitch for eternity. Cause she's outside my department and this is sort of a favor, I know she'd henceforth come to me with any problems her machine has. That, and I'm technically not supposed to even reinstall her OS given that she's using burned copies and codes. But there's a tech IN her department to tell her that

I guess, when it comes down to it, I just get more satisfaction out of ripping that fucker out of the computer than I do giving up and reinstalling and risking the MBR still being infected. I never want to do this again. If anyone else I know gets a virus, I will laugh at them for being stupid enough to ignore installing antivirus software.

Hah.

3ngr1s4 g33kn3ss
Oy. So I've been tinkering with my Japanese GTF's computer because she was having some trouble with virus-like activity. Of course, Norton anitivirus wouldn't install. And from the command line NAVC found nothing. So finally I get NAV to install and NOTHING works... no system scan, no autoprotect, no liveupdate... no UNINSTALL... nothing. We definitely have a clever little bitch of a virus here. Thanks to some ingenuity on Justin's part, I map the hard drive to the network and scan it from my computer. An hour and a half later, it's definite... a raging case of Klez herpes. 53 infected files, none of which NAV 2002 could repair, quarantine, or delete. Yippie skippy. At this point I wonder if it's even possible to remove the worm... or if it's impossible because I can't even get NAV to install. It seems more sensible to just "nuke and pave" and reinstall 98 or 2K. I'm a little hesitant, though, cause her OS interface needs to be Japanese. Lucky for me, I can operate Windows OSes without reading the words and she speaks pretty much fluent english. The big problem here is that she has an inoperable floppy drive... of all the goddam luck. I can't even remember if the Win98 CD *has* fdisk on it. It must. Please tell me it must. Guh.

Anyway, I'm just shellshocked that it took me that long and that much effort to even PROVE she had a virus. This is the most work I've done in MONTHS and it's as a favor to someone outside of my department. Yeesh, at least it makes me feel useful. ^^ And she gave me yummy Osen-Aromondo Chocoreto candies. Teehee... yay for engrish!

WhatsBetter?.com
Oh my GOD.... this is the coolest thing ever. I could do it for hours!!!**

So, What's better, The Death Star mainframe or... a badger?


**warning: I thought the same thing about amihotornot.com when it first came out...

Sunshine Angst
I don't feel real.

Today there's something blocking the part of me that cares about everything solid in the world. It's left me as Emotion, abstract and intense, blown by the wind.

I just sat for an hour in the sun on the steps of the EMU amphitheatre and listened to some college band play their gig. I watched them with my mind and let the music take me away. Despite the brightness outside, it's dark in here.

And its beautiful. I want to let it out.

I want to go to the beach and stare at the ocean and pour out my soul to someone who can listen, understand, and know enough to say something meaningful in return...
But my only real sounding board won't go to the beach with me. We're victims of social constraint, another stupid world I fail to understand. I don't care what people think... and I'm a liar. Maybe it matters even more than I already realize.

In the grips of a moment like this when everything is angry and amazing, beautiful and terrible, I would kiss you and kill you. Fuck off, you're too important to be real.

I'm raw, I'm open... if you carry the music, come bleed me dry.

Hopelessness
Geh, so much for the "undying" optimism of the past few days. It's funny how a few little things can bring you down.

Sunday evening Rupert managed to piss me off by clawing a hole in one of my favorite shirts. Trivial, I know... but it upset me, expecially because it needn't have happened. Despite that, I still love the litte bastard- he's too endearing not to love. He's also more codependent than any other cat I know. A reader of mine sent me this view into the mind of pets that's highly amusing- thanks CC! I don't think Rupert is much like a typical cat though... he's something else even weirder.

Monday I found out that the CHC isn't going to hire me for their User support positon this summer because I won't be their bitch year round. It pisses me off that they expect me to leave my already established and identical job for them but they don't understand that I NEED these campus hours this summer so I can work full time. Otherwise I might have to give up this tech position for now and work at some less than ideal place for shitty wages just to get more hours. I really can't split my hours between and on and off campus job unless it's someplace on 13th street- I just don't have the time or the transportation. So god knows what I'll do. Maybe something will come up. I'd say "f*ck it" and just enroll in the summer intensive Japanese program but I need to work. I need cash. I need a savings again.

Thinking about working full time this summer is initially what started my bad mood. I spend so much of my time now spread thin between 20 hours of work and 15 hours of class a week, not to mention study/homework and time I spend in the gym that I don't have a friggin moment to collect my thoughts, except when I waste time posting here. If this is supposed to be the best years of my life and I already have a headache... I don't want to know what comes next. Work this summer just seems entirely unappealing- forty hours a week will give me just about as much "at home" time as I have now; maybe even less. If I work 9-5 M-F, I still have to make time to work out and I'll be taking scuba from 4-8 Tuesday and 4-6 Thursday. I'm sure I'll cherish weekends but they won't neccesarily be time to spend with Justin- he's going to be whoring himself out to the Seattle Knights most weeks that we aren't doing shows- and they won't be time to spend with friends because everyone I know is going home. So bah. Looks like I'm selling my free time for shit this summer, too. Why am I bothering?

Of course, asking myself WHY I bother makes me even more hopeless. I want to spend time having fun but I also want to have an education. I'm convinced that any busy work I do at this point won't really build a huge resume but I need all the cash I can get to cover my accruing debt. Granted, this debt is mostly in my parents' names... I guess I could just tell them to screw off... but that would be mean. I don't even think they could afford all forty thousand dollars of it.

Thats right, girls and boys, as an out-of-state student and the university of oregon and a white female with no international or impoverished background and good academic standing, I have been given LOANS for 75% of my tuition. I will be graduating with $40,000 in debt. Suck my balls, college.

I want to be here, I want to learn things and gain experience- even if the classes I most enjoy are those that DON'T pertain to my degree. I just can't understand what the FUCK they're using my money for. It certainly isn't to pay the professors. Any WHY, for FUCK's SAKE, do out-of-state students have to pay 150% of what in-state students pay when there's hardly even any tax money going to this stupid university? It makes no sense! Why are they raping me? Just so I can be a victim of the system for the rest of my life and spend it accruing credit card bills and further loan debt to pay off this loan? With the "LOADS" of money I'm sure to be making from my career with a college degree, no doubt... grumble...

So this is my gripe with the world right now. I feel pretty hopelessly in debt and that I want to be in school but I have a hard time enjoying school or life or anything because I'm so financially strapped that I have to work all the goddam time. I love to learn but I'm finding more and more that I don't love the 'real-world' curriculum to which I've been exposed. What do I do? Keep going, I suppose... Keep hoping... and remain spiteful of those people I know whose parents have paid their way and can use their money for fun things. You guys all suck. "Sending the kids to college" in my family just means getting them out of the house. The cash here is mine. Sigh.

The good news is, I found out that as a student, even though I'm out-of-state, I qualify for food stamps because I'm working 20 hours a week and taking full-time classes. I'm going to try to get an appointment to get some money from the government next week. I've always felt that things like food stamps were only for people in desperate situations, and I can certainly afford to feed myself- but it wouldn't be money going to waste. I would really appreciate ANYTHING at this point. Hell, they rape me for cash- I'll find any loophole I can to get some of it back. Sheesh. It is just money but it's going to EAT the next 50 years of my life. I dunno what they'll say about this summer, but we'll see.

As for cash, next year I'll be making a bit more during the month. I've been appointed publisher of the Oregon Voice, a position with a $125 a month stipend. I'll also be taking fewer credits just for my own sanity's sake. I hope that things work out. It's just so damn frustrating sometimes.

Last night I had crack dreams about my sister and her friend getting their bellybuttons pierced and then I went shopping and was invited to join some weird l33t anime class with Alex and Dini. Can't get no rest, even when I sleep. Meh.

On a side note, I made a few updates to the page in blog and miscellaneous links. Added a comments section. Nuff chatter for now, I'll try and do my homework, like I planned 40 minutes ago.

Names
You alone know the oldest name of names for your soul. You alone can give it to those whom you trust not to hold it in power over you.

And you probably have forgotten that name to a degree so obscene you have no idea what I'm talking about.

We humans like to give names to things that we don't understand. We name them so we can control them, so that when they hurt or frighten us we can blame them instead of our own misunderstanding. We can name the world and we can destroy it but it will still escape our control. We can name and cage our brothers, we can demean their instincts and customs; we can tell ourselves we have tamed the Wild Magik.

But we haven't.

That alone exceeds naming and has shaken itself free of every name given to it by man. In eluding us, it has freed every named thing with its own life from our control. We cannot own the sea, we cannot own the sky or the forest or even the smallest flower in a vase. We cannot make them live forever. Even the dancing bear will murder his trainer when the trainer tries to break the deepest, wildest part of him. We have failed to name this force both outside and inside ourselves and, for that, I am glad.

Some who seek do not intend to control or to destroy but to understand. For them too, I am glad. I do not think they will ever find this name of names but their holy search for wisdom has led them down a path of whispered secrets. They are the truly wise and among them walk the Gifted.... those who know part of the encycolpedic verse that is this Name and have recognized it in themselves. This is a True Name and though they be many, each an individual power, they be one.

Do you hear the whisper or are you so determined to name the nameless that you cannot hear it telling you your own name? Are you one of many or one of few?

I let the world take me into the realm of soulless creation, of control and design; of cars and clothes and plastic faces. I let the world take me sometimes and I forget my name. It's sad but sometimes it feels good to let go of the Wild Magic, to bask in the simplicity and stupidity of it all. I like thinking about tan lines and cutlery. I like small talk and anime. I like analyzing my behavior as part of some socio-psychological structure or as a product of memes, DNA, genes. I like all that but it really isn't enough. It's too real. It's hard and cuts like a blade. I need the unnamed and primal magik...

I acknowledge my name. I will share, if you want to listen.

Come away, do you hear the whisper?

PG-13
I'm all partied out.

Last night started out slow, a few friends from work showed up pretty early and it took a while for the rest of the crowd to get here. Justin and I both agreed that hosting a party where noone shows up is one of those fears we've both retained from a childhood as somewhat social rejects. That, and we put a lot of effort into making things run smoothly. I guess getting food was pretty pointless (though $3 for like 9 years worth of pretzels at Costco wasn't bad) but some of it got eaten. The rest, I beg of you, take away before I eat it....

I guess we needed to hit up Albertsons and the Liquor store anyway for the *ahem* "social" lubricants. Good sweet Christ, liquor is expensive. I think we spent $60, all told, on Skyy vodka, Tequila, Smirnoff Ice, and some (bleh) Corona. All this for a party that we wanted to be based in some good, old-fashioned non-drunken fun. Riiiiight. Well, we still felt like what we'd gotten might be too little, but the group of people who came was pretty small and all close-knit so it went just far enough. It's a good thing, too, considering the hassle that we had to go through to get it:

While we were at Albertsons, a few rather nerve-wracking things happened. First, while buying vegetables (in a completely non-alcohol related tangent) I overheard a couple talking to one of their friends. All of the speakers seemed to be pretty young, probably early to mid twenties, though I could be wrong. In any case, what I deduced from the conversation was that they were talking about their and their friends' new babies. And apparently one of their friends had four kids. For all I know, this friend is 40 but I somehow doubt it. Looking at these people who were all somewhat near my age and hearing them talk about their new children was the first of many sinking feelings that I know will grow in size and frequency over the next few years as more and more of my friends drop off the map... yay. Anyway, back to the alcohol.

We grabbed the Smirnoff and Corona and a whole cart of groceries, only part of which was for the guests. Justin got into line behind me in the checkout to get the booze because I'm not yet "of age." While I've seen parties of people carded for buying, I didn't think they'd card by association. I almost sent him to another line just to be safe- but I'm glad I didn't. I ran all the groceries through but my damn Debit card got denied while trying to pay for them. I didn't think there was any way in hell that I had a balance smaller than $75 so I chalked it up to machine error and had Justin pay. It was too embarrasing to really make a scene out of it and I'd just made a $225 deposit earlier that week so I knew there was money there. The problem was that after he paid for my transaction and attempted to purchase the booze, the checkout chick wouldn't let him buy without carding us both. So that went straight to hell. I tried insisting that we'd come separately but she wouldn't believe me. Yay her. Good luck to all of you of-age kids who happen to talk to your minor friends in the supermarket checkout line while buying alcohol. Der...

I went out to the car and loaded it up, mulling over where my cash was, and Justin went back in for another go-through. He came out successful but looking perturbed. He told me that he'd gone to a line three down from the nazi-chick and while he was fumbling for his card, the checkout guy said "I'm sorry man, I can't sell these to you, you were just in here with a minor." So he kind of freaked out but when he looked up, the guy was talking to someone a few people back in line from him. Ironic, ne? As for my cash, it turns out that I'm just an idiot and I made the deposit into my savings instead of checking. Whoops.

We made two Boboli pizzas, which I'm convinced Justin ate most of, and listened to some music while tormenting poor Rupert whose brain had gone into sensory overload from all the people showing up. Once we had a substantial crowd (read: 10 people total) of people who knew each other we had a really great time. There was, of course, way too much food and drink as is always the case when I overestimate how much people will want. But the food was still around in the morning; the drink wasn't. Yeah, I went into all of this determined to have a party powered by something other than booze. I wouldn't say that we failed, but we did give in. I've always struggled to understand why college students need alcohol to have a party. I think that, primarily, it's because they don't know how to entertain people, much less themselves, for any given period of time without an altered state of mind. Sadly, it also seems that it's more or less the only way most people can really let their guard down and feel comfortable schmoozing without masks. I wanna know why I can't lay in big pigpiles with people and talk about really whack kinky stuff while I'm sober without feeling bashful. It's lame. But that's besides the point, we all got really trashed and it was great. We were really feelin the love. Granted, at times, it degenerated (was it really a degeneration? maybe not...) into a sort of PG-13 rated orgy but eh, nothing I'm cringing about now. In fact, I'd love to have the same group of people over more often! It was fun to poing about like idiots and to get to know everyone... better. Though I really question what was up with the "no aliens" note left on the post-it note pad and all the 4s and 8s written on it. I also apologize if my tarot readings were a little too infused with spastic insobriety...

"I'm not Zen, I'm drunk!"

I woke up this morning feeling really good (Actually, "morning" is a relative term... after a brief stint of consciousness around 10 AM I fell back asleep until 3. Heh.)... drained of all energy by tequila but *really* happy. I'm glad to finally feel that I have a comfortable group of friends. I'm thankful that I'm not lonely and I'm proud to say that it's been a while since my emotional crash this winter and I think that I've finally let go of all my past baggage. This really feels like a new beginning- the freedom of being in control. I woke up with my friend and my lover in a place still warm with the good, old-fashioned drunken glee of ten uninhibited college students. I still feel surrounded by love. For the first time in a long while, I feel like I have everything I need. I am satisfied.

I'm glad everyone came and had fun, and I'm happy I have affectionate friends. Our "house" has been warmed... well. We can call it the Magic Porn House now! ; )

If you were there, thanks for coming- if you weren't; you missed out. And hey, I remembered well enough how to use the digicam so I have fun blackmail/souvenir pictures. Muahahaha.... beware!!

Wired but Tired
Yippee!! I'm wired again, thank god...

FREAKIN' MSN DSL took me a lifetime to install, mostly because I think the old modem was retaining bad config information. Well, it's done now... let's speak of it no more.

Search Hits
For your entertainment and mine, here are some of the things people have been looking for lately that have brought them to my site:

"My So-Called Life" (#20 in a Google search)
"'Hippie Bus' Picture"
"Finding apartment" (search on uoregon.edu domain)
"kat pic Florida"
"his ears pierced" (yeah, like number 187... who was even looking that far down the list and why?)
"Poetry from Hellen Keller"
"Everglades rednecks" (#9 on google//yahoo)
"liscence plate ideas" (#6 on google//yahoo)
Annnnd....
"Lesbian midgets" (#80, google...)

Oh, I'm proud of this one... =p
"College Girls raped pic" (#15 in a google//yahoo search)

Evil Internet
Another day at work... another five hours online. Today I tackled 8-bit-theater. Add that to the list of comics... Ozy and Millie, Mega Tokyo, SuperMegaTopia and Sea of Insanity. I think I've finished Sluggy Freelance.

My brain hurts! Durrr.... *drools on self* Oh well, I suppose it's better than doing classwork. But that God DAMN construction on Gilbert Hall is driving me insane! All day Tap Tap TAP TAPTAPtaptaptaptaptaptaptap TAPPING.... ARGGGH! I wish my coworker would close her freakin window. >.< Oh well, gives me an excuse to leave early- and they'll never even notice I'm gone!

*vanishes from Office Space*

Whew!
So, midterms finally all done, thank god.

Today Justin and I explored the multitude of paths by the Willamette and to the east of the stadium. It's unbelievable what's out there! So much wilderness... the perfect setting for UBER capture-the-flag or role play sessions. Hills and hobbit trails and fields and thickets and bridges...!

A long day and utterly exhausting but we finished the evening by going to see Spiderman. Fun flick, go see it! Not that I came away feeling enriched or anything but I didn't feel my (Justin's) $5 was wasted. One question though: What the FUCK is up with the casting in Scooby Doo? Sara Michelle Gellar?? Come on people! She is, and forever will be, Buffy the Vampire Slayer! She can be NOTHING else! And Freddy Prinze Junior is all wrong for Fred! Sheesh. At least they did OK with Velma and Shaggy, but those two? Gimme a break...

I must sleep now... nite nite

This and That: News Updates
Hey hey! Sorry to leave you on so melancholy a note. I'm back now, though God knows I'm tempted to disappear into the Void now that Justin's down here. Poor Frederick (that's my computer) will become a bit less of a lifeline, I suppose... Actually, we get our DSL in two days, so I will be online all the time again. I can't see that as a bad thing... dial-up is really starting to get on my nerves!! That, and Justin and I can finally game together... MUAHAHAA. We'll need to get a webcam on our office like Rachel and Micah have so everyone can be amazed at what geeks we are. Tho, in our case, it would ultimately turn into some American Pie-esque fiasco. Ahem.

In any case, Justin came down Friday and after much grunting and lifting, we managed to clear out the U-Haul into the apartment. The only thing I refused to lift was the couch. I'm proud to say I know my limits!! I tried but due in part to psyching myself out and in part to the fact that my body said "NO!" I gave up on taking it up the stairs and got help. We're int he process of unpacking everything now so the place is a mess but we'll have it all cleaned up by Saturday when we're having the party!

YES... the party is THIS weekend. Cory was so kind as to inform me WHY there was confusion LAST week about my post concerning the party. Apparently, because the english language is owerwhelmingly STUPID, THIS weekend and NEXT weekend mean the same thing. Blow me, grammar... I suppose that will be useful as a journalist somewhere, someday. So we're having the party Saturday Evening... say 8- 8:30 or so. We'll make pizza or something yummy. Bring food or drinks if you can. Please lemme know if you want to come and if you want to bring someone. :)

Several interesting things happened this weekend. I feel the need to tell you about them:

The Birds and the Bees
I was biking home on Friday with plenty of time to get the apartment cleaned up for Justin's arrival. I crossed the Millrace bridge and biked over to the art complex where I stopped because the street was taped off. Inside the taped off area was a parked truck with an old man standing in the truck bed. He looked to be fishing up into the pine tree above him with a long pole. At the end of the pole was a seething foot-thick mass of bees clinging to the tree branch. Some of the bees were migrating from the branch to the pole, at the end of which was attached a rectangular plate like those which are stacked into hives. As I watched, a bunch of the bees moving onto the plate dragged a cluster of the other bees off of the branch and, weighted down by each other, they all fell into the truck before they remembered they could fly. There were bees everywhere, on the tree, in the air... swarming. It was really intense but not particularly scary. As one girl explained to me, the bees had swarmed into the area around 3 o'clock in a horde and flown around the buildings before congregating on the tree branch.

The old-timer standing in the truck eventually removed the plate of bees from the pole and placed it into a bee-box with a few others he had already removed. A few onlookers and I crossed the rope to talk to him about the bees. The old guy, who looked like a kentucky farmer, was a real bee man. He handled the bees like they didn't have the capability to sting him to death. I guess he'd probably been doing his job a long time. He said that, most likely, these bees were from the bee boxes behind the Urban Farm and that they had vacated with their new Queen. Sometimes, he said, when a new queen is born and the old queen doesn't kill her, one of the queens will leave the nest accompanied by worker bees and search for a new home. He explained that he was baiting the bees off of the tree with a substance that smelled to them like Queen Bee hormones. Unfortunatly, it wasn't working too well. I think he wanted to just smack the branch and get the bees to fall off and then bait them into the box... he said there were too many people around to safely try that though.

I watched him for a while (45 minutes... oops) and then decided that I had to go home. I was biking through the field before Autzen Stadium when a huge bird shot out from the underbrush on my left side and over my head, followed by another of larger size. From the way their tail plumed, I guessed they were grouses or pheasants. The first one, I guess, was a female and the second was a male chasing after her. They both landed in the grass to my right, the male stalking after his mate with something like wild fury. I couldn't resist, so I got off my bike and chased them both around the grass for a while. It was fun! The male was beautifully in display with a bright red flush and long feathers. He was also pretty sizeable and I thought he might make a good dinner... heh...

Tie up the Loose Ends
Saturday we drove up to Portland both to drop Karl off at the train station and to go to the "masque of the black stag" that evening. I met Marla Beeson (my landlord) at the train station and signed a contract that released me from my lease. I let them keep my deposit ($200) and one month's rent ($325) in return for severing all ties with them and relinquishing all responsibility to rent the room. I felt a little weird about it until she assured me they weren't re-leasing the house immediately and were instead pursuing my allegations against Reilly and August. I feel a little guilty ratting them out but MAN did they screw me over. Do unto others, I suppose... Marla also told me that their legal fees run close to $200 an hour. Money well spent, I guess! So I've been released from the stress of that house. I went back on Sunday and got my belongings from the room. Looking at the place in decent condition makes me think that maybe I would have been able to rent that room, if I had just put enough effort into it... but sometimes peace of mind is worth just that much.

My big Chest
Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking...

On Saturday night we went to the Masque of the Black Stag in Portland. Most of the guests were dressed up as lords and ladies, with a few exceptions who were either clergy, fae, or peasants. I was one of the few more 'peasant' girls, as I haven't had the chance to accrue a huge stock of fancy garb. I'm almost sure I'll buy another skirt this summer and perhaps a nicer dress so I can get on my way to becoming a "lady." With the dress I have and the garb lael gave me, I have almost 2 full outfits. I'm in need of a belt and a trinket pouch for ID and change though.

The party was a bit awkward at first, partly because I felt too informal and mostly because it was SURREAL... for about an hour I was too tense to consider getting into "character." I expected it to be a dance outright but for the most part the guests (about 50 people) just milled around this huge mansion, chatted, and ate. The best part was that this mansion (Autzen Mansion, I believe) was someone's family home so it wasn't oddly cold and there were kids and a dog (in garb... the kids anyway) to play with. They had a buffet table with hors d'oeuvres set up and a wine bar with punch, wine, champagne, and "ale" from Ye Olde Kegg. Since they weren't carding (and I didn't expect they would) I had a few glasses of a really nice, sweet, lightly sparking white wine. That REALLY helped me loosen up and after running about the yard with the dog for a while, Justin and I chatted pleasantly with a few people around our age group.

I was surprised to see that there were a lot of older people at the Masque. For some reason I guess I assumed that after a certain age, folks get too banal to care about the magik of assuming another role. I didn't realize that, in fact, while this may be true, the largest portion of the SCAers, Members of Court, and Knights there joined in previous generations. I think fewer members of our age group are joining these associations than members of past generations. A lot of the people there were pretty hard-core, but fun. At around 8:30, we all went into the banquet hall for more wine and dinner. They had a really lovely roast and smoked turkey with soup and bread. (and Justin would want me to mention the FANTASTIC chocolate dip for strawberries and bananas which he got ALL over his shirt)

After dinner, the host had everyone put their name cards into a velvet bag and then drew out cards in groups of three for rounds of rapid-fire trivial pursuit. Each participant was given a bell and then the group was asked questions from the "history" category. The first to answer three correctly was given a prize. Justin played once (and got one card only ; ) and then I played and... um... we won't talk about my lack of historical knowledge. When that game was finished, the host then announced that he would be giving out the chest that all the other prizes had been in. He put the chest, a thigh-high box with a leather exterior, into the middle of the room and locked it. He then had all of us draw a combination from the bag and told us that whoseever combination opened the lock would get to keep the chest. I always feel I have psychic luck when it comes to chosing the right number... and I'm always proven wrong. This time, though, I'll give my brain the benefit of a doubt. My number opened the lock!!

So now Justin and I have a wonderful wooden and leather lock box in our living room. We call it the Magic Porn chest, for reasons I won't tell you but you can probably guess. (WHAT?? Jeez... we needed some place to put it so that guests won't look at us funny ^^) Someone later told me that the host had tacked the leather on the box himself (and he also drew the correct combo out of the bag but put it back for fear it would look rigged). It really is a keepsake and it made the evening truly worthwhile! We danced in the foyer for a while before winding the evening down with some conversation and piano music.

Sunday we drove back to Eugene with no rush for time. It really is strange having Justin down here and not having to think about him returning to Seattle for work and class. No pressure and endless possibility. With the release from one major binding commitment (lease) this weekend and the opening up of so many more possibilities, I really do feel like I have a new life ahead of me. We each can have the freedom to our own existence but FINALLY we can have the chance to exist together. We won't feel that every moment we're together has to be exclusively savored, we can spend time with friends without feeling it's an intrusion. We can do things on weekdays!!

We're excitedly building our house together, working out the little details and stocking the cupboards. We have way too much stuff since we're both pack-rats, Justin even more so than I. It's embarrasing, he has about 2 times as much clothes as I do and I'M the chick. We won't have any trouble stocking our fridge with new groceries, though. Justin's mom gave him $50 at Safeway, $50 at Albertsons and $50 at starbucks for his birthday. A generous and useful gift! She's also given us a lot to furnish our place... I'm grateful : ) At least we'll have th opportunity to repay her when she stays with us next week!

LifeJourney
For some reason I feel kinda depressed right now... *shrug*

Maybe it's the fact that I'm actually trying to close negotiations with the Beesons in light of another new idea coming up (trying to rent the room with one month free rent- that might essentially save me my deposits and mebby someone would be interested in it). I dunno... seems worth a shot, provided that the Beesons agree to keep my deal running and that they keep the dough at the end of the month if I can't find anyone to take over the lease. Seems reasonable to me... but I still don't know what they're planning.

Ugh, I think I just need some energizing. I can just feel the complacency creeping into me; not only in the letting the money go to the landlords (my brain still says FIGHT!!) but in the conversations I've been having with others and with my own homelife. I'll be at peace when Justin moves in tomorrow... I've been looking forward to it for so long, but it'll start a new phase in my life. We've both been marking time until THIS POINT. Will it be worth it? Will my adventurous mind just fade into domestic oblivion? Will he ever learn to trust me when I spread my wings and soar into the great beyond- to know I have only the best intentions for myself and for him? Or will I just have to give up that part of myself to save this relationship?

HEY!!!.... we're too young to go silently into the night. He doesn't want to any more than I do. None of us do. We're just feeling the forced tug of society worming its way into our lives. We're not kids any more... but we refuse to let our childlike souls be murdered by banality. I hate watching my friends die... I hate hearing everyone sigh about the light leaving their lives. I feel it too.... it scares me. But we are too YOUNG for this to be an ending!!! This is NOT THE END OF THE STORY.... this is only a lull in the epic.

You have to believe that, *I* have to believe that. There is adventure to life. There is more than simple direction. If you know it, it will be true. IT WILL.

Won't it?

Fuck it, I'm tired and burnt out... it's been too long since I've let myself be mentally dissected by another Seeker. My head hurts.


Maybe I'll tell you my story someday... but not now.