Hopelessness
Geh, so much for the "undying" optimism of the past few days. It's funny how a few little things can bring you down.

Sunday evening Rupert managed to piss me off by clawing a hole in one of my favorite shirts. Trivial, I know... but it upset me, expecially because it needn't have happened. Despite that, I still love the litte bastard- he's too endearing not to love. He's also more codependent than any other cat I know. A reader of mine sent me this view into the mind of pets that's highly amusing- thanks CC! I don't think Rupert is much like a typical cat though... he's something else even weirder.

Monday I found out that the CHC isn't going to hire me for their User support positon this summer because I won't be their bitch year round. It pisses me off that they expect me to leave my already established and identical job for them but they don't understand that I NEED these campus hours this summer so I can work full time. Otherwise I might have to give up this tech position for now and work at some less than ideal place for shitty wages just to get more hours. I really can't split my hours between and on and off campus job unless it's someplace on 13th street- I just don't have the time or the transportation. So god knows what I'll do. Maybe something will come up. I'd say "f*ck it" and just enroll in the summer intensive Japanese program but I need to work. I need cash. I need a savings again.

Thinking about working full time this summer is initially what started my bad mood. I spend so much of my time now spread thin between 20 hours of work and 15 hours of class a week, not to mention study/homework and time I spend in the gym that I don't have a friggin moment to collect my thoughts, except when I waste time posting here. If this is supposed to be the best years of my life and I already have a headache... I don't want to know what comes next. Work this summer just seems entirely unappealing- forty hours a week will give me just about as much "at home" time as I have now; maybe even less. If I work 9-5 M-F, I still have to make time to work out and I'll be taking scuba from 4-8 Tuesday and 4-6 Thursday. I'm sure I'll cherish weekends but they won't neccesarily be time to spend with Justin- he's going to be whoring himself out to the Seattle Knights most weeks that we aren't doing shows- and they won't be time to spend with friends because everyone I know is going home. So bah. Looks like I'm selling my free time for shit this summer, too. Why am I bothering?

Of course, asking myself WHY I bother makes me even more hopeless. I want to spend time having fun but I also want to have an education. I'm convinced that any busy work I do at this point won't really build a huge resume but I need all the cash I can get to cover my accruing debt. Granted, this debt is mostly in my parents' names... I guess I could just tell them to screw off... but that would be mean. I don't even think they could afford all forty thousand dollars of it.

Thats right, girls and boys, as an out-of-state student and the university of oregon and a white female with no international or impoverished background and good academic standing, I have been given LOANS for 75% of my tuition. I will be graduating with $40,000 in debt. Suck my balls, college.

I want to be here, I want to learn things and gain experience- even if the classes I most enjoy are those that DON'T pertain to my degree. I just can't understand what the FUCK they're using my money for. It certainly isn't to pay the professors. Any WHY, for FUCK's SAKE, do out-of-state students have to pay 150% of what in-state students pay when there's hardly even any tax money going to this stupid university? It makes no sense! Why are they raping me? Just so I can be a victim of the system for the rest of my life and spend it accruing credit card bills and further loan debt to pay off this loan? With the "LOADS" of money I'm sure to be making from my career with a college degree, no doubt... grumble...

So this is my gripe with the world right now. I feel pretty hopelessly in debt and that I want to be in school but I have a hard time enjoying school or life or anything because I'm so financially strapped that I have to work all the goddam time. I love to learn but I'm finding more and more that I don't love the 'real-world' curriculum to which I've been exposed. What do I do? Keep going, I suppose... Keep hoping... and remain spiteful of those people I know whose parents have paid their way and can use their money for fun things. You guys all suck. "Sending the kids to college" in my family just means getting them out of the house. The cash here is mine. Sigh.

The good news is, I found out that as a student, even though I'm out-of-state, I qualify for food stamps because I'm working 20 hours a week and taking full-time classes. I'm going to try to get an appointment to get some money from the government next week. I've always felt that things like food stamps were only for people in desperate situations, and I can certainly afford to feed myself- but it wouldn't be money going to waste. I would really appreciate ANYTHING at this point. Hell, they rape me for cash- I'll find any loophole I can to get some of it back. Sheesh. It is just money but it's going to EAT the next 50 years of my life. I dunno what they'll say about this summer, but we'll see.

As for cash, next year I'll be making a bit more during the month. I've been appointed publisher of the Oregon Voice, a position with a $125 a month stipend. I'll also be taking fewer credits just for my own sanity's sake. I hope that things work out. It's just so damn frustrating sometimes.

Last night I had crack dreams about my sister and her friend getting their bellybuttons pierced and then I went shopping and was invited to join some weird l33t anime class with Alex and Dini. Can't get no rest, even when I sleep. Meh.

On a side note, I made a few updates to the page in blog and miscellaneous links. Added a comments section. Nuff chatter for now, I'll try and do my homework, like I planned 40 minutes ago.