Saturday, January 31

A GHOST STORY
One night, about a month and a half after I got here, I was sitting awake at 2AM on a Saturday night, not doing anything but sitting around feeling ancy. At some point, I decided it was better to go to bed than to feed my anxiety, so I started to motivate myself to go brush my teeth.

That's when I heard it:

gu-JUNN... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

This WEIRD noise was coming from upstairs every ten, twenty seconds or so and it just kept going.

gu-JUNN... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

gu-JUNN... ... ... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

gu-JUNN... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

gu-JUNN... ... ... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

What WAS it? I couldn't think of a single household machine that would make that noise or a single thing a person could do to cause it. I had THOUGHT someone was awake upstairs and I was sure the noise would wake someone but with the frequency and regularity with which it was happening, it seemed no one was getting up to check on it.

I got a little freaked out but I was more or less annoyed that I would have to take care of it if it didn't stop. So I waited a few minutes. It stopped... but no...

gu-JUNN... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

It started up again. Over ten minutes or more. I wasn't sure what to do so I sat on my bed feeling weird until I worked up the courage to go find out what was keeping me awake. And then it stopped. So I said, to hell with it, if I go upstairs and get killed by a Japanese ghost, at least I'll have died in a cool way... and I went to brush my teeth.

When I got upstairs, I saw Host Sister sneaking out of the living room and heading back to her bedroom... so I guessed I wasn't going to die, but I still didn't have a clue what the noise was. In fact, it wasn't until a few days later when she was wandering about and it happened again that I put two and two together.

As I've mentioned before, Host Sister is a sizeable girl. She's not "fat" in the American style but she is definitely much larger than many other Japanese women and carries her weight very badly. She also tends to eat compulsively, which may be a result of habit, boredom or medication. When I say "compulsively," I mean more than the average munchies... like, she just kind of hangs out and eats stuff. I have not once seen her any conscious effort to diet or exercise more than the one time she came to the Shinjuku gym with the whole family. But please don't think I'm bashing her because I don't want to talk any smack. I'm just stating the facts for the record before continuing the story.

In the upstairs bathroom, there is an old, semi-accurate dial scale. It makes one noise when you step on it and the dial moves (like gu-JUNN) and another when you step off it and the dial snaps back into place on the spring (like kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip).

When I use said scale, I usually step on it twice, just because my semi-neurotic brain doesn't like to believe my weight's accuracy the first time either. But host sister seems to have the obnoxious habit of obsessively weighing herself. Oh... ten or more times? That one night was the exception to her rule as I'm pretty sure she kept at it for at least ten minutes. Tonight, when I went upstairs to indulge my peckish streak with some Japanese sweets, she was in the kitchen fervently downing glasses of water one after another (she does this sometimes but more often with wheat tea which she drinks like... a scary amount of). Not five minutes later, she went into the bathroom and I heard

gu-JUNN... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

(*lather, rinse, repeat, etc*)

I must be used to this crazy place. Or just slightly crazed myself. Instead of being weirded out, my first thought was just to go in there and tell her, you know, it's usually better to weigh yourself BEFORE you drink 2 kilograms of liquid. I mean, DUH.

gu-JUNN... kuuu-thwip-thwip-thwip-thwip

Friday, January 30

Miko
I went for an interview at a children's English Conversation school this afternoon. It's only fifteen minutes from my house by my regular busline and I think the interview went well, so I'll probably start work there after or during my break.

On the way back to the most convenient bus stop, I passed the huge, red toori gates to a local shrine and looked in. I can't believe some of the places that are here, in my neighborhood, right under my nose.

This shrine is apparently very well known and famously beautiful for spring flowers, which are just starting to bud in this unusually warm year. But I knew nothing about any of this before I set foot on the shrine threshold, so I was pleasantly surprised.

Next to the shrine was an elementary school, and the children had just been let out for the day, so their voices echoed along the street. As I came up to the alter, shook the spirit ward, made my offering and gave a prayer, I saw three children, still in their uniforms, lined up inside the shrine building practicing Shinto dance. They didn't seem to be particularly intrigued by what they were doing and the impression I got was rather that they were involved in some sort of cultural demonstration like one might do with Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts. Even so, watching them brought tears to my eyes and I think it has to be one of the most genuine and amazing things I've seen since coming here.

More breathtaking still, was the miko (shrine maiden) watching the children from one of the alcoves and miming their dance moves. I've seen tons of miko before in practically every anime and manga I've ever looked at. You know, they're the girls in white robes and big, red hakama with loooong bound hair who usually chase away evil spirits with Shinto magic? Well, it occurred to me today that I've never seen a real one before this. Of course, if I think about it, I must have seen real miko behind the counter at various shrines selling luck charms and such, but I can't think of any in particular. My host mom says that most miko these days aren't the "real think" (i.e. dedicated priestess) but simply maintain the shrine as a part-time job.

However, something about this miko today gave me a markedly different impression. Maybe it was the way she moved or the care with which she had dressed herself. Perhaps it was the certain reverence with which she made offering at the altar. Or it may simply have been that when I saw her watching the children dance, it seemed that she was dancing with them because she felt something too.

After moments like these that fall randomly into the middle of normal days, I always feel a blessed sense of peace. The weather today was an April warm day, sunny as is every day, with a slight breeze. I couldn't have felt stressed if I tried.

Still, I can't maintain a complete sense of happiness. All is not well at "home." Host sister has been acting unaccountably WEIRD lately and almost as if she's developed an extreme distaste for me. I don't know when it began but I can pretty much say the feeling is mutual. The girl just weirds me out. She's been spending all day in her room lately (literally 8-hour spans) or alternately pacing the living room or sitting in absolute silence. Her appearance is becoming more and more unkempt, her hair a total mess and her clothing hanging off of her with various parts unzipped or unfastened. What surprises me most is that my host parents don't really say anything to her. Ever. No conversation really, nothing. And because there's nothing I can do to help or understand the situation, my behavior has evolved much the same. That in and of itself makes me really nervous.

I try to talk to her, I really do. As time passes, it's becoming more and more apparent that it's NOT that I can't understand or speak Japanese, it's just that she's incapable of carrying out a conversation. Whenever she asks me something, it's always in a rapid-fire unintelligible question, often facing away from me or with a mouth full, NEVER looking me in the face or eyes. In fact, I think it's not just that *I* don't understand her, but that she doesn't speak clearly. When I reply or ask my own questions, she rarely gives more than a few words answer.

The miscommunication isn't only with me. Sometimes she decides to cook dinner because host mom is running late. Of course, host mom has dinner plans for me anyway and will therefore give me MORE food on top of Host sister's food even with her usual trend feeding me LOTS. I know whenever host sister offers me food it's bad news because host mom will always be surprised to see that we've eaten. I want to tell her that she doesn't need to make me anything and mom will feed me, but I don't think she'd get it... or she might be offended.

She has some strange eating habits too, that girl. If there is something sitting around, she will eat it. All of it. Anything. And she leaves everything (wrappers, crumbs, spills, whatever) everywhere without an effort to clean up. To top it all off, my guess is that because she overeats, she sometimes has intestinal problems (due to her medication?) and doesn't make it to the bathroom on time-- sometimes when I come back from being out while she's home alone, there's poo all over the toilet, sometimes on the seat and sometimes on the floor. Or sometimes just used toilet paper. It's not a lot and not often, but enough that I've noticed it several times and wondered.

Now that she's stopped talking to me and I to her (I guess we just gave up) and since she's started leaving the room when anyone else is around (unless she sits silently at the table), I guess I don't really have much of a PROBLEM with her... but it's just so WEIRD and there's just nothing I can DO, so it makes me markedly uncomfortable. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do.

I can think of three people off the top of my head who have changed their host families due to serious conflicts of interest. I know one person who SHOULD change her host family but won't (for reasons of underconfidence or masochism). I know a few people who planned to stay until the end of the year but are instead leaving at the end of this term to flee back to the states. I know one girl who dropped out entirely and went home two weeks ago for homestay problems, academic problems and because (I was right) she can't keep a meal down any more.

I have nothing to complain about. But I still wish it felt "right."

Thursday, January 29

Hm.
I deleted the last post because it made me feel like an idiot. Anyway, in lieu of that, I'm going to post a poem written the other day by a friend of mine at the Kokusaibu expressing some of the frustrations we gaijin girls commonly deal with concerning the stereotypical Japanese woman. It's meant to be read like a beat poem, so don't try to imagine any soft new-agey bull*shit (you know, the kind I usually write). Enjoy:


American Woman

Don't you go blaming me
For coming here across the sea
And breaking my back
To gather the facts
What can I say? I'm the cat of curiousity.

I'm just trying to make conversation
Tying to avoid assimilation
Into the ranks of the damned and the dead
The cursed and the sad
That exist in my head

Cause I ain't no Japanese woman
Oh no, my friend, you've been mistaken
I ain't no Japanese woman.

I ain't no stick in the streets
Blown around by the wind from your feet
I got breasts and hips
I laugh with more than my lips
And no, I ain't gonna make you something to eat!

You're so desperate to feed
To feed the need of your creed, which is greed.
But I ain't your meat
On a block in the street
I ain't for sale, pal, so don't you proposition me.

Cause I ain't no Japanese lady
That ain't what I wanna be.

So don't try to remake me.

I don't wear a skirt over my pants
And I use my hands when I dance
But I ain't gonna apologize
And you'd better not fucking patronize
Me, and you better look me in the eyes.

I ain't no Japanese lady
Nope, that ain't me or what I want to be
I'm not gonna tan my white skin
Or change what's within
So keep walking, pal, there's nothing here you want to see.

Wednesday, January 28

Fuzzy
Hm. Still excessively busy. Same usual and unusual things being catalogued in my mind to write about but at the moment I really, seriously don't have time. Next week in four days I have four exams, two presentations and two "papers" (one experimental research, the other a fiction narrative) in the range of 8-15 pages due that are still in the "rough" stages of brainstorming. Go me.

Of course, being the perfectionist I am, everything will be done on time and done well at the loss of sleep and leisure time for myself of course.

On top of it all, I somehow have to make complete all travel preparations for the trip starting next week and START reservations for March when Alex comes (since I can't very well do that while Justin's here).

I wish I were more exited for my travel. It's probably the "biggest" thing I've ever done with my life (especially because I set it all up) and I can't even get worked up about it. I'm too busy right now to see beyond tomorrow... and when Justin gets here I'll only just (literally, a few hours before) have finished with everything the best I can.

It makes me feel sort of itchy and fidgety inside, like I'm not ready for it to start four hours after my last class. I need some time to back off and let myself realize that I'm going to HAVE FUN IN JAPAN. I'm worried that because I won't have any time to wind down, plunging straight into sightseeing mode is just going to ruin the experience for me.

Maybe I should have give myself more time between the last class and Justin's arrival date? Oh well, too late now.

I'll manage. I'll have as much fun as I can. I'll relax as much as I can. It will be great.

Back to the grind...

Monday, January 26

If you're related to me, don't read this...
Uh, aside from having ungodly amounts of homework, research and study materials for the next two weeks, I don't foresee anything interesting happening. I also don't foresee myself being alert enough or in the posession of enough time to write much here. Also, having such a vacation to look for in two weeks means everything is rather boring right now.

For example, the most interesting things that happened to me today were that I went to the store during lunch and bought (of all things) Nutella to go with the ten-yen closeout cookies I found at the grocery last night. Not all for me, of course; munched on the snacks with plenty of pals. But still, way to weight-loss, Kat. Well, whothefuckreallycares.

Er, yeah, and I had an interesting thought today. That's right, only one. Was on the bus on the way home when my ipod started playing a song I ripped from an anime cd I found in a Math GTFs office last summer. So then I thought about that GTFs office and that GTF and how she liked anime... and how I used to be enthusiastic about anime and now here I am in Tokyo and even though she's probably still an otaku (I'm just an ex-otaku), I'm here and she's not. Then I realized that that GTF was the new GTF I met outside of work last summer (?) before I even knew she was a GTF. At Katie and Murray's fetish party. No, we weren't having an orgy (just a pseudo-orgy). So I may or may not have been wearing anything when I met said GTF. Thankfully, she doesn't remember I was there and I barely realized I'd already met her, you know, due to the fetishwear. So here I am listening to her anime music in Tokyo and I'm suddenly all hazukashi again because in my head it's last summer and I'm like "oh my god, I work with someone who saw me naked." Is that not wrong?

Damn, I miss Eugene.

Now, if you are related to me and you STILL read this, you're not allowed to say anything because I TOLD YOU SO and I could perfectly well have made the whole thing up.

*mwah*

Sunday, January 25

messy
Now that was some fun-i-licious food. I opened up this pack of Pinot... which are basically chocolate-covered, vanilla ice cream bon-bons... to discover that though my host mom had put them into the freezer, they had at some point all completely melted into one big mess all over the righthand corner of the package.

Did this deter me? No, quite to the contrary! I mean, we all know that melted sweets, much like ice cream stuck to the lid of the box and other people's food in general, contain no calories and therefore no guilt, right?

Oh yes, I lovingly embraced every ounce of that package eating those melted Pinot, from the plastic pack to the cardboard wrap. I atem all done gone. And when I was finished there was chocolate all over my face and hands, like some beautiful ice cream orgy.

Mmmmm. How satisfying. I ought to melt those things on purpose.

Saturday, January 24

o-furo
Today I saw Kabuki at the Kabuki-za in Tokyo Ginza. This was the real deal... THE Kabuki in THE Kabuki-za. And it was awesome. But there's nothing to say about it other than that it was awesome. You have to know something about Kabuki to appreciate it... and even if you know something about Kabuki, you still have to see it... and even if you see it, you still... anyway, you get my drift. Nothing I can say could do Kabuki justice. It's just rad.

Now then, what I really want to say is that I'm going to be so screwed when I go back to America. Why? Because there won't be any o-furo.

I. Need. My. O. Furo.

There's nothing more relaxing than being able to press a button a bath heat up for you at your convenience. The o-furo is deep enough to cover my knees and shoulders at the same time. It's usually clean (with the exception of a few Japanese body hairs) and treated with some sort of bath salt. It's set to heat to a nice 42C and best of all it does all the heating before I even get in and then maintains it on its own. In fact, I can raise and lower the temperature as I want while I'm in the bath. The thing even fills itself to capacity automatically.

Can you tell I'm not looking forward to coming back to my janky, too-shallow, scummy, wash-yourself-in-dirty-water, tepid American-style bath tub? Ugh, hell NO. When I'm all grown up and a REAL yuppie (not just a yuppie jr.), I'm going to have a house with Japanese-style bathroom. A cedar tub with jets and a heater. And a view.

I'm really... Japanese... about my o-furo. Even though my host family's bath is nothing to be proud of, I know a good bath when I see one. And now I'm seeking out hotels for all my Spring-break travels based quite a bit on what I see about their o-furo. A hotel/ryokan with a nice bath will have nice rooms. Guaranteed. A hotel or ryokan with a nice bath is trying to also cater to Japanese people and won't be full up with retarded tourists. Best of all, a hotel or ryokan with a nice bath has a nice bath that I can use. BINGO. Who needs to go sightseeing when they can sit in a rotenburo all day? Hell, I'd even get up EARLY for that.

Sore wa poka-poka da yo.

Friday, January 23

turn over
Is it wrong not to be happy for someone you love? Or, like every other helpless emotion, is it just natural to be confused by your inability to think positively about their happiness?

It's nice to know I'm not superhuman. Being here hasn't distanced me from things I've felt a million times before. But frankly, whether it's better to live with an open heart (open wound?) and an idealist's mentality or not, I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling like dying whenever someone arranges trite little words into what my brain apparently finds to be the completely wrong order.

Zen Buddhist, I am not. The Drama Queen in me has survived listless months in dormancy. And she hates you but she will not let you go.

home
I'm going to have to set the date of my return to the states soon. Although I won't be going back until early in the first week of July, the concrete thought of actually leaving Tokyo has given me some very strange feelings.

On the one hand, I anticipate the alleviation of this city's onslaught when I get home. But on the other hand, I actually dread going back. Even though Waseda blows, living in Tokyo has given me a sense of actually being in charge of my own destiny.

I thought I was going to go to the STA travel in Ikebukuro this afternoon to set the date of my return. But after some contemplation, I decided that I hadn't really thought enough about the best date to go back and since I have an extreme loss of time lately, I decided to do it later.

On the train to school this morning, I started thinking about what it will be like to dismantle my entire life here to pack up and go home. Facing that thought has made me realize that while I don't joyously relish every moment in this city, I certainly don't despise it here. And recently, I've noticed that there are people in the department who have a LOT WORSE attitude problems than I do. I think I've mostly adjusted.

I looked out the window of the Yamanote line at the same landscape I see every day and imagined that it was my last time riding my daily route. Will I ever come back? With that sense of finality didn't come the great rush of relief I would have once expected but rather a feeling of nostalgic sadness and pride-- pride that Tokyo feels a bit like home. As stupid as it sounds, it brought tears to my eyes to know that I will miss it.

I don't value my education, nor how stressful each day seems for wasted time. But I do value the setting into which I am slowly fitting, like a lost piece to a twisted puzzle. I love the strange things I see every day, the beauty queens and the transvestites, the businessmen and OLs. I love even more the things I don't see every day-- like today, in downtown Shinjuku, there was a man standing on the street curb setting up an old, OLD-fashioned plate-camera to take exposures of the city. And returning on that same route I witnessed the homecoming of a familiar transient to the place from which (I just now realized) he had been a few weeks absent. The man (and he is a very old, small man) moved some illegally-parked bicycles out of his normal sleeping space and set down three bags, which are his only possessions. He had a new cut across his forehead, swollen red and stapled shut. In the moment I realized he had been gone, I found myself relieved to see him... and curious where he had been that his face had been disfugured.

That's life in the city.

I remember hearing on the news about the Sarin gas incident. Specifically, I remember hearing when they caught several of the perpetrators from the Aum cult. I know that the event made an impression on me, or else I would have no recollection of my interest in it. But my thoughts were with the perpetrators rather than the victims as I was in a place too distant to even understand what it was like to ride a subway.

Now I have ridden those exact trains and stood in the same stations where people, poisoned and sick, lay dying. I can never understand the fear and confusion of that moment but I do understand the place, the feeling and the sense of native identity that gives meaning to such a moment. Unfortunately, I also understand the same sense of Japanese-ness that would allow hundreds of people to pass by the writhing mass of injured on their way to work without so much as stopping to call and ambulance or a taxi for fear of either delaying their schedule or somehow having to take responsibility for something. It's true and it's sad. (A homeless man lay two months dead on a busy Osaka corner this fall before anyone said anything to the authorities.) With the Japanese, it's just not their concern. Concern, I think, unless on a superficial level, is distasteful.

My point, however, is not to criticize the Japanese but rather to look at my lack of knowledge in retrospect. When I was watching the news in 1995 I had NO IDEA I would be here now. I would have laughed to hear someone say I'd study a year in Tokyo. Me? Pffh. For all the hopes I had (have), I'm quite the average girl.

But "they" were right... anything is possible... and anything can be done (or at least well-attempted) if tried. And "they" also knew that this would be an incredible perpective-building experience. But who are "they"? My elders? My professors? Authors of some books expressing obvious self-truths? Nah, I'm talking about the little voices in my head that actually remain optimistic despite my cynical nature.

They knew it would start to feel like home.

Thursday, January 22

READ BETWEEN THE LINES


barren
Tokyo is an expanse of asphalt and concrete- a nexus of buildings and roads in an intertwining maze as far as the eye can see. Now that the leaves have all fallen from the trees, there is no ounce of green in this mass of brown. Even from the highest viewpoints, where one can find parks and playgrounds in the summer, the city now stretches out a homogeneous mass of industry, all traces of nature gone from it until the first Plum blossoms show.

dog show
The woman herself was dressed strangely but how I can't really say. Something about her seemed eccentric but that was only secondary to the strange sight of her companion. Unleashed and walking not five feet behind her followed a mid-sized black lab dressed in a full jump suit and matching scarf. At first, I thought, How stupid and embarrasing for the dog-- and to be unleashed in this city? How dangerous! But then I realized in fact that perhaps she thought of the canine as an equal-- maybe dressing and freeing her dog is her way of expressing it.

smells
Waseda smells like shit. No, really. There's something about the subway system in that area that just DOES NOT FUNCTION. And I don't enjoy those unpleasant whiffs on the last leg of my walk to school every day. In the summer it's worse.

Tokyo is a city of bad smells. Of course, the air quality is bad from automobiles and industry... but it's worse because every jackass on the street seems to think they have the right to puff away on their god-awful cigarettes when they're within a millimetre's proximity of others. (And people wonder why I like cloves.)

Train and subway stations are smell like a mix of grease, oil, exhaust, smoke and women. The hookers and OLs wear their perfume like a stinky advertisement of their lives. When they walk by, their thoughts and opinions trail in the air. Smell-o-vision.

I hate the smell of my family's detergent. It somehow smells musty and dirty. I know it's not a scent that results from my own body, as my clothes smell strongest of it after they're washed. I don't smell like me anymore even without the detergent because of the strong change in my diet... but the detergent makes me feel unauthentic somehow, as if my scent masked in this unappealing cologne has changed who I am.

porn
He sat one seat ahead of me reading what looked like a tabloid. He kept the paper folded lengthwise (as Japanese is read) so that he could view it without being in others' way. I saw first that it had some sort of feature on Pro-Wrestling but then he turned the page and there she was. A woman and her lovely, bare breasts. Of course, I'm sure they weren't natural... because who, in this day and age, bares natural breasts for a camera? He wasn't embarrassed to see her and she looked equally as happy to see him, but he turned the page as if he wasn't interested anyway. Still, only a few moments later, he turned back, unable to forget her quarter-page image. And there, hidden in the folds of the paper, was a more graphic photograph still... a foreign woman and several men. He looked again, briefly but unhurriedly and turned the page to peruse ads which I can only assume were for other women interested in recieving money for what men like to pay. There again, breasts. There again, an invitation. And this in a bus so crowded that the isle was crammed with standing people.

I never hear anyone curse in Japanese unless there's a BIG ouch. They don't casually intersperse conversation with "crap!" "shit!" "damnit!" or "fuck!" In fact, I can't even think of the colloquial equivalent of most of these words. But they still look at porn (animated or otherwise) in public. That, my friends, is one big cultural difference.

Wednesday, January 21

Childhood Realizations
I realize now why my back hurts so much and why it hasn't hurt this much since late Middle school/ early High school. I had a paper route back then. I was also seriously stressed for other reasons. But it was the damn bag that did it. And now I'm carrying a messenger bag again, equally as heavy, over some distance. Messenger bags and heavy things do NOT go well together. My poor, twisted spine and tweaked muscles are screaming for me to STOP using that bag --as I did last week when I had to walk the Shinjuku due to my lost pass-- but my other backpack is simply far too big (and too GREEN) for normal use.

Ugh.

It also hit me today that I lived in Germany while the wall was up. I don't know why this has never occurred to me before. The one year I spent there as a child was in... uh... 1986 (or so), which was several years before they tore it down. Even though I was young, I remember seeing the news when the wall came down. But I didn't realize until today that a divided Germany was part of my life. Of course, my parents wouldn't have talked with their four-year-old daughter about the wall, nor would I have understood or cared... but I was a precocious kid and nearly fluent in German so I'm sure that it somehow affected me, even though we didn't live in Berlin.

Strange thoughts from the cobweb corners.

Tuesday, January 20

Good heavens Miss Sakamoto - you're beautiful!
Culture Shock or not, this is a wacky city. I did a double-take this morning when I passed a mansion (read: apartment complex) near my house and realized that yes, the name of the place really WAS "Silky Lustre". What do they do, film pornos there?

Where do you live?

Oh, I live in the Sheerukii Rusutaa--


And then, during the same commute, I saw a tour bus named "Fantastic Story." Do the adults who ride these busses (and the ones decked out in Thomas the Tank or Hanapoo the Puppy) realize how dorky it is?

My english client tonight pronounced the word "facing" as "fucking" and "Birch" as "bitch." It was all I could do not to bust up laughing. After the lesson, I saw a kid walk into a streetlamp in the "Mylord" arcade because he wasn't paying attention.

No, no, dorky is apparently IN in Tokyo.

** Bonus points if you can tell me where the title line comes from... and no cheating!!

Monday, January 19

SWEAT
I suppose this post falls into the category of "embarrassing personal problems," so I apologize beforehand. However, what's been on my mind the past few days (if I've been thinking it all) is that I really seem to have a problem with sweat. If there is any form of clothing in contact with my underarm area, I simply soak it through with sweat. Whether it's from hormones, stress, anxiety, glandular difficulties or what, I don't know. I don't smell, probably because I've become as obsessed as the Japanese with the o-furo (bath) and because I wear deoderant/antiperspirant. Obviously, the "anti" part of "antiperspirant" isn't cutting it for me, no matter if I use American imports or not.

I've had this problem before and it seems to ebb on and off, which makes me wonder if it IS stress or hormones. I'm loathe to do anything about it because I figure if I take anything to STOP the sweat, it will be worse for me than just sweating. And Zinc causes all sorts of horrible things like Alzheimers and aliens spaceship reception and whatnot. But me being terribly pitted out is definitely NOT SEXY and NOT COMFORTABLE. Today I had to tuck toilet paper sheets folded into fourths into my armpits to finally staunch the sweat that was showing through my grey shirt. This is not sweat from physical exertion nor in normal proportions. I'm sick of it and it's gross. I'm sure you agree.

Now, two questions remain: a) what to do about it? (nothing, I guess) and b) why am I writing about it?

Since I obviously don't care much about above "a)" except to whine about the ongoing (since last summer) problem, I'll have to pick "b)" to answer for now.

This weekend, I sat down and had a long talk with myself, in the way that crazy people often do. During that talk, I got bored, so I started to page through a book titled Survival Kit for Overseas that has been sitting on my shelf for some time. I've had this book since our orientation at UO last Spring Term and occassionally looked at it only to find that it's a bunch of common-sensical, new-age, "no duh" bullshit about culture shock. So why did I bring it here with me? Probably precisely so I could have this moment.

As I was looking through this obnoxiously OBVIOUS book, it suddenly struck me that I've been down with a really, really bad case of Culture Shock. Yeah, duh, I know. I knew it too... but I didn't stop to think about it. What I've been doing is so characteristic and so UNHEALTHY that I didn't even realize the severity of it. I've been spending my days at the kokusaibu feeding my own "disease" and trying to infect others with it. As I've been coming out of it slowly, I now realize just how sad it is to see all those people who "hate it here." Yes, Japanese people do a lot of stupid things. Yes, Tokyo is pretty annoying. But Americans and America so do and are just the same way and I managed to live there just fine with only a minor degree of complaint (mostly).

It's my fourth month here and it's time to scrape these scales from my eyes. I'm sick of sitting around bitching to people, so I'm going to stop. In fact, I have stopped. And since then I can walk from place to place and not feel assaulted by the city. Granted, yes, NOISE in any proportion still drives me mad because it is so constant, but I figure that will stop. And certainly, I don't expect to feel any better about the Kokusaibu and the RETARDED Waseda faculty, bureaucracy and curriculum. My Japanese class will never cease to make me hate Japanese and my other classes will never cease to be a jumbled mass of idiocy... but there's little I can do about that and it's only the atmosphere and schedule that makes Waseda any more terrible than the UO. I can't change that but I'll do my best to change the rest of what I can.

So this brings me to my point. I've been thinking a lot but it's been mostly in a relaxed, fragmentary fashion that makes for little writing except in snippets. My brain is now becoming wired for an average life here and that makes me really happy. Here's some of what I've been thinking lately:

** How is it possible for me to have read an entire book of short stories just in today's classes (I got it out of the library this morning), when I haven't been able to finish a book of even smaller snippets that's been sitting by my bedside for weeks? Huh.

** I bought an skirt at a bazaar for 500 yen and it only occurred to me later that it's pretty ugly. But since I scored a free gym membership, goggles, swim cap and dive bag the same day (not to mention free Kabuki this coming weekend), I'm not exactly in the red. But I also sense a certain danger in that I'm beginning to shop like a Japanese. I consider myself thrifty when I find a 5000 yen skirt, if only because it was marked down from 10500 yen. Oh, the Gap Girl in me loves that Tokyo is one big shopping orgy.

** Today it rained. And two days ago it snowed. It's funny how rain and snow can be both so similar and so different both in appearance and feeling. Rain always makes me meloncholy and relaxed but the snow fills my body with a quiet sort of resonating energy that brings a grin to my face and quickens my step. I walked to Nakano station in the lightly falling snow on Saturday and I think that was the happiest I've been in a long time.

** There are a lot of restaurants in Tokyo. As I've said before, more here "per capita" than anywhere in the world. Unfortunately, I've had a chance to go to very few of them. Even more unfortunately, I want to eat at them all. Thai, ramen, udon, Indian, tempura, soba, etc, etc, etc... if I were rich, I'd make my task to eat at as many delicious restaurants as possible. If I were rich, I'd be pretty fat.

** I wonder why the man on the bus today made a point of stretching himself out and taking up one whole seat on a full bus. No one moved to stop him or take the seat but nor did he straighten up and make room for anyone when he finished using his cell phone. Even when I got off at my stop, he still lay sprawled all the way across the seat as if it were his to own. Maybe he just needed space. In this city, I can understand that.

** Sex on the train. I have to grin thinking about it. Now you can stop reading if you don't want to associate me with sex, because I've given you ample warning. The story is that Justin and I are coming back from Hakodate to Tokyo via overnight sleeper. I'd much rather be GOING to Sapporo via sleeper but the cars are all sold out. I'd really wanted to watch that sunrise over the Snow Country. But alas. In any case, we have a private compartment because we're yuppie fuckers like that. And of course, because I think one should always take advantage of all opportunities that come one's way. And that's all I really have to say about that!

Friday, January 16

Arm-Dancing Cult
Last night was really weird. It was weirder than the Land Pirates I saw rigging up electric poles at Waseda, weirder than the random mysterious snowball in the Shinjuku street, weirder than homeless men with caged pidgeons for pets. Last night, despite all my inhibitions, I went to Velfarre again with Rachel and Erin. I went because I've started to feel "ki" again... and I can only dance if I've got that little light inside of me. I figured, hell, if I don't have a good time, I'm only out 1000 yen. It was a good choice to go.

I've only ever been to Velfarre on Saturday night before. Saturday is always "Cyber Trance," an event that seems to draw a sundry crowd of teeny-boppers and j-poppers who can no more dance than choose matching clothing. The girls seem to mostly shuffle from foot to foot while the guys flail wildly and will give a shiner to anyone in their way. There's also a certain brand of girl that comes to Cyber Trance who seems to like to dress up tarty just to stand ALL night on the "Ladies Only" platform and totter back and forth from one leg to the other just to be seen. These girls usually come in pairs or triples and dress in heinous and obnoxious matching outfits.

Last night was Friday, so it was NOT Cyber Trance. Friday night features various schools of dance from Reggae to Hip Hop and Salsa to Rave. I knew something was up when it took us a while to get in the door and while waiting, observed that more than the usual number of girls were wearing minis and heels. Last night was an event called "Super Rave" or something like that. When we went to the bathroom to remove our coats, it became obvious that it was actually Super Ho-Bag Night from all the garish and crazy clubwear just barely clinging to the waifish Japanese bimbos powdering themselves in there.

Downstairs the music was actually decent. More danceable than a Saturday. But entering the dancefloor was like infiltrating a secret cult. We were the ONLY gaijin in the place and we were crashing a party where EVERYONE knew the same dance.

Yes, the same dance. Literally. Not the Macarena, not the Electric Slide but the same, extended, unified dance moves.

Imagine walking onto the set of a music video and being the only one to have NO CLUE. Yeah.

The club had set up extra dance platforms tiered in a circle all around the floor for the ladies. And the ladies had flocked to them like vain, badly dressed sheep. But these neon sheep still knew something that we didn't... some secret dance move that somewhere, someone had taught them and they'd practiced.

In the center of the floor, the men danced facing each other in unison. On the outskirts of the floor stood loners women who couldn't get a place on the platform. All around the floor, on three or four towering levels, girls dressed in garters, teddies, hotpants, tube tops, garish glitteries and boas all moved their arms in unison.

It was WEIRD. Really. WEIRD.

So weird, that for a while we didn't know whether to crash their party by dancing our own way or to try and figure out a way to dance along.

Mind you, it wasn't like they were dancing to ONE NUMBER and then doing their own thing. After a while, I guessed they had about six or seven different moves that they knew and would repeat them depending on the music. This brought to mind several questions: 1) WHY? 2) Who decides what move to do? 3) When/Where the hell do they practice?

Like I said, we were the only foreigners. No one looked or stared at us but I'm sure we stood out like sore thumbs.

Eventually, I both mastered a few moves and decided that I didn't really care about mastering any moves at all. Compared with the Saturday crowd's dance skills, last night was shocking... and yet looking at any dancer individually it was easy to see that no one really FELT or CARED ABOUT the music. They simply knew the moves and did them. These "moves" were straight out of the seventies or eighties and mostly consisted of various patterns of flinging about the arms in sweeping gestures and patterns that resembled air-craft flag semiotics. The best part was that there would be occasions that the music would stop or change and then no one knew what move to do so they would all just STOP and STAND like helpless little sheep.

We felt so dirty dancing our hearts out.

Finally, a few groups of gajin guys showed up and (for once) I was actually relived to see them. It was great to watch them look as shocked at the uni-dancing as we were. They didn't attempt the dance floor at all (and this after their 3000 yen cover!) but rather stood in a stupor and watched.

Then, the apparent CLIMAX of the evening was that various dancing groups (all pros in the fabulous ARM DANCING school) performed for the THRONGING crowd on stage! The truth is, these dancers all looked hilariously amateurish and resembled every other j-pop dancers I've ever seen. And the crowd stood hushed and still in silence. They were, of course, being reverent and actually HAD been waiting for the performance... but we hooted and clapped and danced and generally had a great time being blasphemous because no one else seemed to realize it was OK to dance along.

I loved it.

It was absurd, hilarious, weird, amazing, obnoxious, freaky and generally COMPLETELY JAPANESE. I felt like we'd walked into something completely uninvited (hey, it was open to the public) and made ourselves at home. In fact, during the little "performance" interlude, we scored ourselves a place on the lower platform and parked ourselves there to dance along "arm-dance style" until Erin and Rachel had to go.

I'm glad I made it out alive and not brainwashed by the arm-dancing cult. But I don't think I would ever do it again.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeee!!!!
It's SNOWING!!!


(Just barely, but STILL!)

Thursday, January 15

OF NOTE

1) My host mommy is buying me an el-cheapo two week pass to that awesome gym. That means I get about six chances to go to this "spa fitness center" place, instead of the grungy, awful, uninspiring Waseda gym. SCORE!

2) The day I went to Hama-Rikyu Koen to see the Lion Dance and Hawk demonstrations, my English client who works there was robbed blind while he and his wife were out to dinner. The thieves took everything of value including the safe with much of his savings and the deed to his house. Yet my family, who lives in Shinjuku, still left the door intentionally unlocked when we all went out the other day.

3) I hate motorcyclists. But only the ones with intentionally loud bikes. They can die, the rest can live... if they give me a ride (and promise to keep their bikes tuned up so they don't sound like the ones outside my window).

PICTURES
Photo-pages are up and running for the following previous events:

-Hama-rikyu Koen
(view associated blog post)

-Yokohama
(view associated blog post)

-Mitake-san
(view associated blog post)

-Local New Year
(view associated blog post)

-Yamanote Walk
(view associated blog post)

-Imperial Palace/ Yasukuni Shrine
(view associated blog post)

Wednesday, January 14

BRR
I could see my breath in the bathroom this morning. Freaking Japanese houses.

So... cold....

n00bs and b00bs
I thought I'd write briefly about two things I've seen recently that... uh, I don't know, I noticed?

First, there are n00bs in the Kokusaibu. Some nutcases decided to leave America MID SCHOOL YEAR and come here. Of course, I should get to know them... but a) we have no classes together and b) we're too busy chuckling in all our bitter, cynical glory about what will disappoint them.

I saw a n00b in the ladies' room the other day looking around forlornly after she was washing her hands. It occurred to me that she was probably looking for paper towels. At that thought, I almost laughed and I almost, ALMOST said to her, Honeychild, didn't anyone TELL you? This is JAPAN. They' ain't no paper towels HERE. Because, well, there aren't. And I was lucky enough to have a few people warn me about that before I came. Frankly, it's still unbelievable. I've just gotten used to drying on my jeans. Don't get me wrong, I own about fifty hand towels... but do I ever remember to take them WITH me to the bathroom? No.

Second, on the way home from the gym today I saw a pregnant woman. A biiiiiiig pregnant woman. And aside from the gaijin I met on Market Street the other day, she's the ONLY pregnant woman I've yet seen in Japan. Maybe the ladies aren't "in season" yet... or maybe it's just too hazukashi (embarrasing) to be seen in public pregnant. I don't know. Anyway, the interesting part is that this VERY pregnant lady was going to the creepy red-riding-hood shrine... which, if you recall, is actually the shrine of a diety for firefighters and children. I love how these two have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in common. I was touched, though, to see someone actually showing a sign of faith, hope or devotion in a "sacred space" rather than passing through like every other "tourist." In fact, it's the first time I've ever seen anyone enter that shrine besides me. Strange.

Tuesday, January 13

Real Japan
I walked the Market Street in my neighborhood the other day. It is a long avenue of shops set a few blocks back from Honan-dori that runs the length of the residential area until it outlets on another main street. Both sides are lined with small shops. Fish shops, vegetable shops, sweets shops, toy shops, clothing shops, dry goods shops, bento shops, all varieties of tiny, family-run businesses that cater to every Japanese need.

Though I�ve been here almost four months now, I�ve only walked along the Market Street a handful of times. For some reason it makes me feel nervous and out of place, as if someone might spot me as an foreigner and throw me out. Part of me says, Who am I to walk among these peoples� homes and lives, not even a part enough to buy anything? but another part of me says that I�m a neighborhood resident and equally justified to be there. I don�t know which part to believe.

This time, I walked the street slowly, poking in, out and around each store enough to make myself seen. It�s no surprise that I�m noticed there. This is not a place tourists go, it is a place families shop. When the few mentally handicapped �adult children� in the neighborhood see me, they practically hug me. I�m pointed at by old ladies and told I�m �soooooo beautiful� and �wonderful� in Japanese. Any time I speak Japanese I�m told that my language skills are amazing. Instead of bolstering my self-esteem, these complements only make me cheap. I�m blonde and tall but I�m not Cameron Diaz. And I learned early on that when someone tells you your Japanese is good, it means you speak like a foreigner. It�s only when they start correcting you that you�re actually good.

And it isn�t always just complements. Though I was stopped for random complements by several shopkeepers (what do you say to someone who tells you you�re �steki da ne� anyway?) I noticed equally as many glaring at me with cold calculating stares. Some warmed up when I greeted them but one woman didn�t even respond to �Konbanwa.�

But despite that it makes me feel like an outsider and probably because of it, I love this street. Unfortunately, the last time I was there, I ran into another foreigner (in fact, a foreign family) several times and given that the option of ignoring each other in a neighborhood atmosphere wouldn�t work too well, we engaged in the other awkward option of foreigner-to-foreigner conversation. As usually seems to happen when foreigners �bump into each other,� the talk went on for too long and, as usual, they gave me their contact information �in case I needed to talk or help with anything.� They WERE nice and they DO live near me, so perhaps I will see them again. But in a way, it felt just like every other forced-empathy gaikokujin interaction I�ve ever had. In a worse example, I had to flee conversation with a �nice� guy from Nepal after he cornered me into conversation on the 45th floor view-platform of the Metropolitan Government building when I experienced a sudden bout of diarrhea. No joke.

However, I digress. With all the awkwardness I experience on this street, I still feel a great sense of comfort that I�m seeing the REAL Japan. At twilight, here are the families shopping for their meals; here are the children playing in the street; here are the couples walking their dogs. It occurs to me now that had I begun strolling this street when I first got here instead of hiding in my room, I might be well known among the shopkeepers by now. But what use have I for this street? What can I buy there when the little food I need for my weekly bento I can get for cheap at the co-op a quarter block from my house? I�m amazed that these mom and pop shops still exist. When my host mother asked me if there were streets like this in America, I thought hard about it and I can say honestly, that they are a true rarity and I do not know if I have ever yet found one stateside. That, my friends, is a sad statement about corporate America.

But the Real Japan is a strange place, too. It�s a place where I�m complemented to the extreme degree if I know the right �counter� to use on an oblong object. And where my Japanese friend showed up to hike dressed in sneakers (ok), jeans (ok), a wool pea coat (??) and carrying, instead of a backpack, a designer handbag. But I�ve got to give her props; she kept up all the way. I guess I shouldn�t short change the Japanese, even if they�ve got some really irritating cultural �bits.�

What to see what it�s like living in Japan? Keep your eyes out for photo pages from Hama-rikyu Koen, The Imperial Palace and Yasukuni Shrine, my Yamanote Walk, the neighborhood around New Years, Yokohama and Mount Mitake. In the meanwhile, to understand what it�s like attempting to learn the Japanese language, watch this flash animation. It�s funnier if you know Japanese (because then the nonsense makes more nonsensical sense) but it�s still damn awesome.

Monday, January 12

Work it on Out
My host mom got a discount membership to some swanky gym in Shinjuku so today she took the whole family with as her guests.

Wow. Best gym I've ever been to. Weight lifting equipment wasn't top-notch but everything else was awesome. Anything you forgot to bring you could rent. You could borrow gym clothes and shoes for free.

It's been years since I've swam in a pool just for the purpose of doing laps. I probably swam about 20 laps today or slightly short thereof.

But this place had more than your average work-out facilites. Raquetball courts, jacuzzi tubs, massage rooms, facial treatments, saunas. It was a freaking spa. And the best part? The Japanese bath... shower first, slip into a hot water jacuzzi tub, sauna and then into the cold water tub. Afterwards, change into a yukata and shorts and take your time drying your hair and lotioning up at one of the twenty or so sink/vanity sets. No padding around wet and naked through the locker room in this place.

It felt so good to use an Elliptical trainer again and even just to lift weights in a facility that wasn't used only by brainless, idiotic college men. I dread going back to the Waseda gym but at least hanging out in this place motivated me to get my fat ass back in gear.

And despite being hauled around on some weird circuit by my host family and suffering through all the weird Japanese gym traditions (like not actually being able to wear MY OWN SHOES in the gym but instead renting "room only" shoes), I managed to keep it all together. Host sister lost her locker key though and we had to spend half an hour looking for it.

Bummer.

Anyway, back to the gym with me this week. If I'm going to Okinawa, I might as well try to look decent in a bikini like I did in Belize last year.

Sunday, January 11

The Musical Fruit
That was some Damn Good Chili. No, really, it was. I made dinner tonight from a simple package of Bear Creek "Damn Good Chili" mix. Added some peppers and onion, water, tomato paste. Twenty minutes later and voila! One of the most delicious (if slightly sweet) chili's I've ever had. It's been a looooong time since I've had chili. And my mommy sent it all the way from America just so I could introduce it to my family! I think they all liked it... except my host sister... but she's acting really weird today anyway, so who can tell.

I whipped up some salad (can you believe my family has never eaten broccoli or peppers raw?!?!?) and served the chili with warm bread and butter and (of course) cheddar cheese on top. Cornbread is impossible to find here and I didn't want the trouble of MAKING a mix in the freaking EZ-Bake oven this house has even IF I could find/ afford to purchase it.

I was so happy and sated after dinner that I actually let my host mom do the cleanup (usually she insists and I refuse) and drank a Chu-hi while watching TV with my host dad. Eventually, host sister came over and passed so much gas I had to leave. Either this country lacks some taboos about bodily functions or that girl has a serious lack of social skills. And she hadn't even had time to digest the chili yet! 0.o Ack, the apocalypse is nigh!

Euugh, kimochi warui...

Saturday, January 10

Ba-su Pa-su Ba-ku-ha-tsu
(written Friday)

Today was ups and downs in a nutshell. The Kanji quiz this morning went smoothly, but only after a test that totally, TOTALLY sucked. So I went shopping. And I found what I was looking for (a Gap, camel-colored toggle-coat marked down to about $13US) but only after wandering around Tokyo to several different stores before one actually did the American things and CALLED some others to find it. The coat didn�t cost much money even including train fare, but it took the remainder of my happiness in the form of some BAD Karma.

I made an on-the-way stop at a Japan Travel Bureau in Ginza, which unfortunately resulted in my learning that I can�t actually use the special rail pass I wanted to purchase for my Hokkaido trip- it�s only good until Jan 31st. So crap. What do I do now?? Air fare? Regular rail? Something tells me this will cost more than it should.

And then, THEN, the stupid coat COST ME MY BUS PASS. I got off the Chuo-sen in Shinjuku and POOF, it was GONE. Let me tell you, I had several lovely mini-breakdowns a-la the mom in American Beauty.

Somewhere in Tokyo, my Y7200 teiki is floating around. It only has nine days left on it, but those are nine days of Y200 each-way bus fares that I can�t use. So now I either have to pay (yuck) or walk (yuck) to get to Shinjuku and back. I don�t know which is less appealing, the idea of spending $4 a day to get to school for the next week or getting up half an hour earlier to walk my ass there and lugging my tired self home.

UGH. I hope (please, God) it turns up in tomorrow�s lost and found and didn�t blow off the Chuo-sen in Takao or end up in the hands of someone who actually REALLY wants to ride the bus for one week.

Mitake
The woods are so quiet, it�s hard to believe that they�re less than two hours from Tokyo. For me, it makes the mountains harder to climb, knowing that over the ridge lies not an infinite expanse of greenness but a far distant cityscape encased in smog. To the east, miles and miles of trails stretch into the Japan alps. To the west, an obligatory return to the city. From my lack of posts recently, you�d think I chose to wander off toward the rising sun� but no, I�ve come back and regretfully so. Going to the foothills of the Alps was an amazing experience.

The five of us (me, colin, Chris, Reinier and Leila) left Tokyo from Shinjuku station before 8:30AM. Once we changed trains at Ome, we were so engrossed in our landscape that we missed our stop at Mitake and rode all the way to the last stop on the line, some 20 minutes further. The weather was great and we were surrounded on all sides by foothills that fell away into a central river gorge. There were no complaints about the detour.

After we got to Mitake, we spent a few hours (too much time in my opinion) dicking around the river basin near the station before we took the bus to the cable car at 12:30. By that time we were already hungry and none of us had packed lunch. Even so, we decided to hike up the �mountain� rather than take the cable car. The walk turned out to be a bit of a slog up a concrete service road to the houses, inns and restaurants above. All in all it took maybe an hour and perhaps another half an hour from the cable car station to reach the �top� of the mountain. At that point, though we were desperate for food, we climbed to the shrine at the top of Mt. Mitake to pay our respects to the gods that dwell there. I know I�m not THAT out of shape (nor that IN shape either) but needless to say, after all those stairs my legs were barely functioning.

Beneath the shrine on the top of the mountain lies the small town of Mitake. Mitake is inaccessible by car, except for residents and service vehicles, so it is delightfully quiet and quaint. In the whole area, there are probably less than a hundred houses, inns and restaurants. Aside from souvenirs and lunches, there is no place to buy food or goods. Later on, we found this to be a bit of a problem.

After we got some delicious mountain soba in us and sat around eating Nutella and chocolate for a while, we noticed that at 3:30 it was already getting dark. We checked in to our inn, the Komadori Sanso, and found it to be a great little house. Even though the innkeeper lady was expecting fewer of us than showed up, she accommodated all of us with no further preparation. Out rooms faced the east and looked out over the mountains into the valley south of the city.

The Sanso isn�t just an inn but also home to the family that lives there. It was a traditional building, probably tremendously old in parts but added onto in huge sections so that it�s a conglomeration of new and old. It took the innkeeper lady a while to warm up to us but when she learned we were trying to speak Japanese, she gladly told us the history of the house; that it had been a shrine some hundred years ago, that it was supposed to lift the troubles of the heart and that her family had lived there for twenty seven generations.

That�s a LONG time.

The lobby of the Sanso was in ironic contrast to the history of the house. Cluttered with electronics-- a big-screen TV, some odd 10 computers, an Aibo�and filled with cables and cords, it looked more like a computer lab than a real genkan (entryway). I didn�t get to play with the Aibo but it made me just as happy to see that the �man of the house� was reinstalling OS 9 onto a Mac 7600. He had Macs and Pcs of all varieties. Later, we saw three of the kids hook up a Playstation to the big TV. Even here in the middle of the mountains, we were entitled to use the internet free of charge. Yet the next morning, the same round-bodied, round-faced man who was tinkering with the computers emerged from the common meeting room dressed in white priest�s garb after ceremonially striking the large taito drum to welcome the morning. Such is modern Japan.

Our rooms were entirely traditional. The boys stayed in a large, two-part room with sliding screens and a walkway that led to a balcony with a fabulous view. We girls stayed downstairs in a considerably smaller (and cozier, in my opinion) room. All accommodations were of course Japanese. Futons, tatami, squat table and pillows. We lounged on the floor drinking green tea and eating nutella. We had to turn up the heat in the rooms to stay warm. Old Japanese houses (even more than new ones) lack insulation and the walk between the bedrooms and the common rooms or bathroom was enough to freeze the blood.

Once more before dinner, we walked up to the shrine in the dark to look out at the city under the near-full moon. Now it was quite literally freezing, the remainder of snow from some days past glittered in small patches on the thatch-roofed houses below. Beneath the shrine was a box in which patrons left their last years� daruma (round, wishing dolls) and other talismans to be ceremoniously burned. I could see that some of the Daruma only had one eye colored in. I guess wishes don�t always come true.

Back at the inn, we were served an amazing traditional dinner and challenged ourselves to speak entirely in Japanese with Leila, our Japanese guest. We made it most of the way through before we were too full to think. After sitting for a while, we hit the bath. Boys and girls separately were each privy to a large, round cypress tub. The bathroom was lovely but cold, and on the wall I saw what has to be the biggest, weirdest bug I�ve ever seen.

Despite the quiet surroundings, the calm darkness and the hot water bottles the Innkeeper lady put into our futons, I couldn�t sleep. Maybe it was that I was in a room with someone I didn�t really know. Maybe I just drank too much water before going to bed. Whatever the case, I didn�t drop off deeply all night. And when our wake-up time came at 6:30, I�d already been up for an hour.

We went again to the shrine to watch the sun rise. It�s the first time I�ve intentionally watched a sun rise in years I think. I ought to do it more often. It makes the day really seem a lot longer.

We ate breakfast (traditional Japanese style) and packed to check out. The children were running about, the family was saying their morning prayers, the weather was beautiful and we had a whole day of hiking ahead of us. It didn�t even bother me that upon check-out we were unpleasantly surprised to discover that our meals were not included with lodging. That was an extra Y3000 and with the pricey lunches on top of it, I probably spent a whole Y4000 more than I planned.

For once, I didn't mind.

I had a trail map and the gateway to the mountains was before us. Mountains in Japan are a bit special and different than those in the states. First, if there isn�t a shrine or a guru or a village on top, there�s usually someplace to stay along the way anyway. Second, there are access points to major cities easily accessible within a day (or half day) walk from anywhere. The terrain ranges from low, sloping foothills to first-benchmark mountains and is pocketed with plum gardens, lakes, ancient forests and medieval settlements. Heck, the place where WE were hiking was even a habitat for flying squirrels. Not just ANY flying squirrels but GIANT ones!!! Except for a lack of places to buy provisions, it literally is a hikers paradise.

But there is still Tokyo, only some odd miles away. And there is still the Internet. I shouldn�t have checked my mail that morning. I wouldn't have gotten that message. I wouldn�t have felt so let down.

We left the inn for the Visitor�s center and discussed several possible routes to hike. With daylight only a few hours long and no place to buy a lunch to take with us, we had fewer options than we would have liked.

For the first two and a half hours, we climbed down Mitake into a gorge below. There we walked along a famous rock-garden (literally, a place where huge stones seem to have randomly come to rest), visited one waterfall, climbed a huge rock and doubled-back to see another famous, seven-tiered falls before climbing up one of the most ass-kicking set of stairs I�ve ever used. We opted for lunch in Mitake before hiking out�and a good thing because I�d left my wool hat at the Visitor�s Center and only then realized it.

For our final route, we hiked an hour and a half to Kori station, two stops up the JR line from Mitake. This trek was via a trail that crested another, slightly smaller mountain next to Mitake. I'd hoped to do longer, more challenging hikes that day but for lack of food, sleep and daylight, I'm glad we didn't try.

Indeed, as it neared four o� clock the forest fell into twilight. As the day grew longer, it felt more and more as if we were hiking into Lothlorien. The earth was covered in a carpet of green foliage and yet the path was filled with the dead brown leaves from the barren trees above. That morning, in the gorge, I had mentally toyed with the comparison of our group to the Fellowship. Now, with negativity and despair fostered by that morning's message growing in my mind, I felt even closer to Frodo. At first I led the group and walked ahead. My bitterness became a sort of empowering vision, or poetic muse. But in the cold and with no sleep I slowly fell more and more behind and further into my own shadow until I withdrew entirely into my own mind. In my wounded moments, it is becoming harder and harder for me to remember that there is anything good worth caring for. And the wound that I was feeling�having given too much of myself to another only to try and take it all away too late�is one I can not not heal. I can bide my time, I can run away, I can move on, and yet it doesn't heal.

But I am not Frodo. There are no grey havens for me to go. No place where I can relieve the pains of my heart that will not leave me. I bear no ring except my own falsehoods. So these incurable wounds, that I have myself made, are pains I will simply have to endure until I grow old or they pass into uncaring memory.

In the end I simply collapsed on the train platform, ate the rest of my nutella with a heavy heart and heavy hand, and fell asleep once the train came. I didn�t say much of a word for several hours nor felt like speaking the next day.

After that, except for some bodily soreness, I came back to normal life. I have a stong body and a strong mind. Why let a weak heart dampen my functionality? Anyway, besides the emotional bleh of the second day and a lack of snackables, the mountain trip was by far the best outing I�ve had since coming here, especially because I thought up the idea and it was *gasp* actually carried through!!! We came, we saw and we conquered.

The foothills are right at my back door.

Friday, January 9

catch up
Sorry the blog was down. My host had some problems with his ISP and had to re-route the server a bit. I've been too busy to post for the most part anyway. Check back later for some catch up posts on travel to the mountains and why yesterday sucked.

It seems obvious but I know for sure now, classes (Japanese class especially) are the one thing that kill me. It's like a conversation between idiots. No plans this weekend and a bout of raunchy debauchery last night are enough to make me feel almost human again... after only two days back at the Kokusaibu. Ugh.

Sunday, January 4

the buzz
Damn, I really need to cut caffeine and sugar out of my diet. I�ve had so much lately that the very thought of it repulses me and yet I keep imbibing more. Every social interaction during break times revolves around some form of sweet stimulant. My heart is racing, I�m retaining water, my skin has broken out terribly. And chocolate makes me ill. CHOCOLATE MAKES ME ILL!!!!!!!111 This is a terrible thing! Yet I�ve been kind of foregoing lunch and so even with all the snacking, I haven�t been packing. A steady 63(ish) kilos for me. Whoop de doo.

�Course it could just be that I�m losing muscle mass, being as I haven�t lifted weights (or ran, or done anything other than copious amounts of leisurely walking) over break. Then again, these lazy times are the best I�ve had yet. Tomorrow (yay!) Chris, Colin, Reinier, Leila and I are going to Mt. Mitake to hike all day and stay all night in a lovely mountain inn. If you�ll believe it, one night, meals included in this place is only Y4500. That�s about $40US. Getting there takes 3 hours by train, bus and cable car. No wonder they want to draw customers.

I�m looking forward to quiet, contemplation, conversation and a bit of energizing exercise. Did I mention QUIET?

Really, what I�m most anticipating is hiking. The few times I�ve been outside of the city here were spent in cars or busses, ogling the wilderness through tinted glass. Friggin sightseeing. I want to get out and USE my body to do something other than commute or sit in a desk all day. I wasn�t built for the modern workplace!

I much prefer walking around and hiking to going to the gym and spending hours of monotony lifting heavy objects in a room full of airheads and idiots. Lord knows I won�t be going to the gym during the seven-week spring break either. First off, the Waseda gym is a 45 minute commute from my house. It�s just time consuming. Secondly, I�m spending five weeks in the company of travel companions. About two weeks of that time I�ll be in Tokyo mucking about in a relaxed fashion but another three I�ll be out and abroad in Japan.

Justin and I are going to Hokkaido for seven days via overnight train with an all-inclusive train pass for the North Country. First, we�re hitting Sapporo for the last two days of the Yuki Matsuri. Then, we�re spending one night at a nice hostel in Otaru and perhaps skiing a bit. After that, we have two nights (Friday the 13th and Valentines Day!) down in Toya-ko National park near the volcanoes and lakes there at a really awesome, cheap onsen inn. Finally, one night in Hakone before returning to Tokyo again by overnight train. After a few days in the city, we�re flying to Okinawa where we�ve got a few nights in the city and a few nights on the north end of the island at a resort hotel (off season price!). Probably do some diving and hiking there too. Definitely do some swimming and sunbathing. I�m just glad to have a date for Tokyo Disney, Kabuki and watching Return of the King (stupid late release date). *wink*

After another 4(ish) days in Tokyo, Justin leaves for home. At the end of that next week, Alex is coming from the states and we�re also gonna do the Tokyo thing tacked onto the ends of a 7(ish) day trip to the Kansai region to tour Kyoto, Nara, Osaka and Kobe. Big plans with him to stay in a temple for one night and also to visit the Studio Ghibli museum.

On one hand, I�m kissing goodbye three grand that I COULD be using to pay off my college debt but on the other hand� that�s a really stupid thing to even worry about. I�m here to travel and I KNOW it�s an expensive place to do it but I�m going to do it anyway. Justin is already being generous enough to provide a huge portion of the price tag on our trip. Let�s not talk about how much it�s gonna cost. That�s why it�s nice to have a job. I�m just happy I can live off teaching English and leave my bank account alone for travel purposes.

If I�ve learned anything this break, it�s how nice it is to actually GET OUT THERE and see the country. Something tells me that those five weeks will be the best out of all the time I spend here, both for the company and for the experience.

Saturday, January 3

A Song and a Dance
Much of what teaching English seems to be is taking up an hour with mindless chatter. My clients all request "free conversation" lessons, which amount mostly to me talking and asking them a variety of questions that result in one word answers. I'd love to be an excellent teacher but I'm more tempted to just continue taking up an hour listening to myself. You know, I still get paid.

I have several students right now. I meet with three older people on Wednesdays for Y4000 or Y3000 an hour, depending how many people show up. They all speak English rather well and pick interesting topics for me to speak about, so that lesson is pleasant and easy except that I'm always late for it. I see the Disney Guy rarely, if at all, which is unfortunate because I think he's a really nice guy. Next to Disney Guy, my best Internet client has been the "Sugar Daddy" guy who wanted to date me. He *was* a nice guy and liked to talk (not just make me talk) but unfortunately had the gall to attempt to date me.

Two weekends ago I met a new client from Hokkaido... another guy in his early thirties who wants to learn English but thinks he also has a chance. Eh well, whatever. I'm not against taking the paycheck for a while and losing him if he gets any ideas. I'm meeting a new client tomorrow, this time a Waseda student who seems to speak English pretty well but wants to practice. I'm hoping that goes well.

Then there's the guy I met today. The one I mentioned before who seemed slightly strange. Well, I've met with him three times now and he still seems strange. Strange but not dangerous. Definitely strange though. Maybe he's just shy but the guy doesn't talk. Not English, not Japanese, nothing. And he's obsessed with black people. What the hell? He stopped referring to them as "negroes" since I told him it was... uh, bad... but every now and then he sneaks in weird questions about "American Culture" that usually have to do with black people.

I can sort of understand his curiosity, as the black population here is really low and extremely varied in origin. But really, the questions he asks are a bit weird. Like, he asked me 1) If I had black friends, 2) what I thought of black people, 3) if black people were good at sports, 3) if they were not good at academics, 4) if there were "black people towns." Yeah, seriously. Seems like he hasn't escaped some stereotypes. I did my best to tell him, in what limited language he can understand, that I have seen race problems and race division (and lived in places with different city, sports and academic demographics) but I tend to think that differences are based on individuals, not on race. Maybe I'm an idealist (though not certainly free of the occasional mental stereotype or prejudice) but I'd like to think this is the way the world is TRYING to work.

Anyway, weird English client... I don't know what he's thinking. Whatever, he seems to not mind paying me to chat at him and talk about funny things. If I can teach him a thing or two, language, culture or otherwise, my mission is accomplished.

Speaking of weird, today I saw the MYSTEEEERIOUS man coming out of the MYSTEEEERIOUS abandoned house on the corner. Actually, he looked perfectly normal. He was locking up the place like anybody would do. But that still doesn't explain why he lives(?) in a run-down, abandoned house and why, if he lives there, none of the lights are ever on. Gah!

So, today was pretty much awesome. Again, I took on upwards of 200 pictures (most of which are crap) until my camera battery ran out and I realized it was more fun NOT to be taking pictures.

I spent all morning at Hama-rikyu Koen on the Tokyo Harbor walking about and watching incredible cultural demonstrations. First, I saw Japanese-style hawk training. The didn't only fly the hawks in front of us but also hunted with them. Have you ever seen a hawk take down live prey 20 feet in front of you? Neither had I until today. Two of them killed roped pigeons in midair. You wouldn't see THAT in America. As amazing as it was, I was also a bit traumetized. Hearing a pigeon make death noises as its feathers are plucked everywhere (albeit by a beautiful bird of prey) is not my idea of a mid-morning pick-me-up.

Afterwards, I saw the Lion Dance (and later another form of traditional dance) performed by a troupe of dancers led by a comical man who seriously resembed Harry Ziggler from Moulin Rouge in a very Japanese way. I didn't think I'd ever find any form of traditional Japanese anything funny, but this whole group was so merry and hilarious that I laughed the whole time.

I can't believe how great the street and festival performers are here. I've always felt that American street performers are always too forceful and their performances overdone yet unbelievable. But in the last two days here I've seen several street performances that have left me agape and amazed. Because this year is Saru-Doshi (Year of the Monkey) at Yasukuni shrine a kid was performing yesterday with his pet monkey. I know it sounds typical and cheezy but really, this monkey could do anything. And the whole time it looked so grudging and cynical that I laughed my ass off.

On my way out of the park today, I happened upon a performance Chinese balancing acrobatics that also dropped my jaw. This wasn't some cheesy street magic... it took still rather than gadgetry, yet was both beautiful and exciting.

And moreover, a guy Japanese guy wearing camo fatigues, a cobra-skull snake hat and with a set of entirely gold-plated upper teeth stood next to me for a few moments during the performance and upset locals a bit by talking to them. It seems to be a big no-no to chat with strangers in Tokyo. Frankly, he scared me a bit so I can't *imagine* how much he freaked out the Japanese.

As much as the performances amazed and delighted me, they weren't the best thing about Hama-rikyu. It was so quiet and so beautiful that I felt refreshed just to be there. Well worth the Y300 admission. I'm sure that I'll take some of my Spring Break travel guests back there so we can have lunch on the lawn and maybe take a water taxi to Odaiba or Asakusa.

I sat on a bench facing the ocean for half an hour just soaking up the fact that I could, FOR ONCE, hear myself think. There is always someone at home... and when someone is at home, the TV is on. I *hate* Japanese TV. It's more obnoxious than American TV by LEAPS and BOUNDS. I would stay in my room but I already see little enough of my family that this makes me feel guilty. Anyway, my room is not a quiet place. Because of traffic and construction, I have to use earplugs to sleep. Going to the park today made me realize that there is no quiet time in my day and I don't know how to find it. But I do want more.

Well well well. Things are changing, so maybe they will change for the quieter. If not, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Friday, January 2

festivities
Can it be? Am I actually... having fun?

WHY, YES!!!!

Today I managed another few reservations in Hokkaido, completing that portion of the trip except for train package. It really is awfully simple to make hotel reservations... even in Japanese.

With that stress rapidly dissipating and with some financial stress alleviated, I feel almost normal for a change. I want to go back to the Kokusaibu to see friends but I'm afraid that I'll get totally drained again.

I think, however, if I can get all my travel plans done quickly, I'll have so much to look forward to that I won't be bothered by much of anything.

I have to say, too, that I really like the Japanese tradition of gifting money on New Years. My host sister randomly gave me 2000 yen today and while I worry that I should be in some way reciprocating, I'm glad that the tradition is paper rather than some sort of funky trinket I wouldn't know how to use.

I've had a very Japanese New Years. Today I went to the Imperial Palace and watched the Emperor's Family give greetings to the public. This is one of two days in the year during which the palace is open. Honestly, it was less impressive than I expected and, in a way, sort of sad. Everyone crowded in, waited for the royals to line up in a glass enclosure and waved Japanese flags while the Imperial family waved back. On the way out, after listening to the Emperor's very brief greeting, I overheard an obaasan (grandma) sadly recalling how much more enthusiasticly the crowds shouted "BANZAI!" when she was young.

Afterwards, I walked along the palace moat on the way to meet a friend at Yasukuni shrine. It was so warm today (nearly 60 degrees) that I was sweltering in my wool sweater and ate a green-tea/vanilla swirl soft-cream (soft serve) to cool me down.

Yasukuni shrine wasn't the sad and controversial place I expected it to be. In the aftermath of New Years it was packed to the gills and the streets were lined with vendor and food booths. It looked more like a festival than a place of reflection.

Yasukuni was, quite possibly, the 5th or 6th shrine I've visited since New Yeara's. Yesterday I walked through the neighborhood with my family members and visited all the shrines in the area. I've taken some great photographs in the last few days-- of Yokohama, Nakano, the Imperial palace, Yasukuni and our Yamanote-circle walk. I'll try to post some when I get another working copy of Photoshop running.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Hama-rikyu Koen, the site of another Imperial home, to watch a demonstration of tradional hawk hunting and the Japanese lion dance.

Monday night, three friends and I are going to Mitake mountain to hike and stay in a Japanese inn. Yum.

AAAAnyway, this entry is boring as hell because there's nothing I can really say about where I've been lately without the photos. A picture is certainly worth a thousand words.

Thursday, January 1

Hokkaido
Seven days.

Sapporo: Choice of two nights in basic chain hotel or ryokan for last two days of Yuki Matsuri. Must cancel one. CHECK.

Otaru: Reservation for one night cheap lodging pending.

Toya-ko: Friday the 13th and Valentines day at awesome (yet somehow affordable) onsen-ryokan in the mountains. CHECK.

Hakkodate: Two nights at a regular chain business hotel. CHECK.

Train package pending, should have it when the travel agencies open again.


I'm off to the Imperial Palace and Yasukuni shrine to brave the CROWDS. Wish me luck.