hello goodbye
Today has been full of moments of lucidity and clarity on and off, coupled with a bland numbness that overtakes my whole body. I find that I have a lot to say and then can't remember any of it. But maybe, just maybe, this lucidity will grow as my departure approaches.

So... welcome to the blog's new location. In a few weeks, Schoolgirl Sophistry will be getting a facelift... complete with a new layout, et cetera. For the time being, however, everything will have to remain at rest. Micah, Rachel, Justin and I are leaving for Glacier National Park tonight with a brief respite in Portland before the brunt of the drive. Unlike last year, I WILL NOT be posting frequent updates from the park but I WILL be taking plent of photos and probably even video of the fire. If I do take the chance to post, it will be via a brief long distance call.

I won't be back until Labor Day, 9/1.

It's just gonna be me and the boy with good friends, good wine, good food and FABULOUS hiking.

And so, for your amusement (and mine) I leave you with what Googlism has to say about my name. Simple truths and absurdities:

kat is not happy
kat is de tijger
kat is
kat is where its at
kat is a brat
kat is furious
kat is daydreamin
kat is my religion
kat is drowning cowboys
kat is you around??? iz left ya a masage at da talk bawd
kat is walking towards me
kat is blah blah blah
kat is weird
kat is de
kat is back
kat is drawing cowboys
kat is the only musician taking authentic classical music scores
kat is the only genius since beethoven to systematically resurrect classical music and bring it to the moron masses
kat is ancient
kat is currently looking
kat is moving on in her life
kat is a richly yellow wine quite distinguished by its unmistakable muscat aroma
kat is still around
kat is looking for work
kat is what's for dinner tonight
kat is telling her
kat is very unstable after telling zoe she is her mother
kat is ready to work
kat is obsessed with taking tests
kat is very shy and talks very little
kat is a juilliard music school graduate on the violin
kat is one feisty
kat is for ornament
kat is much funnier with her running commentary
kat is directed by ann rappoport
kat is to operate a comprehensive transportation system with a professional work force
kat is a neighborhood shuttle service operating during the evenings and sunday when the night rider/sunday rider service runs
kat is really her mum
kat is hit in the leg while bringing food
kat is now on a path to take classical music into the 21st century with metal through the use of midi instruments
kat is the reincarnation of beethoven
kat is my open honest sweet secret soul girlboy woman
kat is like me first marriage
kat is a surefire winner
kat is kids and technology
kat is here
kat is god
kat is always worth listening to
kat is being written in the object
kat is hard to measure
kat is more your type
kat is een idealist
kat is being introduced to her new classmates
kat is the brown
kat is a very smart kat
kat is ready to strike terror into the eyes and ears of all
kat is 150 gram by weight and she is yelling much louder than i
kat is the world's fastest cyberspeed guitarist
kat is from the real world's fourth season
kat is a sophisticated yet comfortable lounge offering elegant dining
kat is giving heavy metal a new face
kat is the bestselling author of twenty
kat is doing with her symphonic speed music then go listen to the genius masterpieces first
kat is a juilliard school of music graduate violin virtuoso
kat is probably the most inventive
kat is in lock mode this is in quad cell units
kat is wounded near the end

That explains a lot
Ehrm. Did YOU know I'm the number seven Google search hit for "Schoolgirl"? No? Neither did I.

Hi, guys. I'll show you my tits later. *wink wink*

It's funny...
Now that I've bought all this makeup, I find myself sometimes wearing NO makeup at all on a regular basis. Something that I RARELY did before. Part of it is that I probably just don't care as much about putting on appearances since I'm bugging out so soon. Some of it, though, is that by wearing makeup that highlights my features, I've come to appreciate them both in their unaltered state AND all dressed up. So booyah, it ain't all bad.

This recent material narcissism that's possessed me has caused me to recognize many things... And now I understand the root of the fear from which stems my hesitancy to embrace reinventing myself superficially. By surrounding myself with material posessions, I am expressing my reluctance to abandon the familar (even if these things are "new" they're still "american standard") and step outside of the box that culture has cast me in. If I were a REAL adventure traveller... I'd drop this shit in a minute, take myself a little backpack, and pick up EVERYTHING in Japan. But there are a few problems with that. One, the money's already spent. Two, I'd be spending DOUBLE that in Japan anyway. And three... well, they don't have much in my size. So C'est la vie.

I think it's a big step to link this fear of materialism to my willingness to change and that same willingness to the static conditioning that has made me the cultural mass I am... it's hard to break out... and that's where this fear is coming from, and this dischord. If I try to prepare myself for the unknown in the wrong way, I inadvertently chain myself even more to the very spehere I am trying to step outside.

Gods, I'm being introspective lately, aren't I?

MmMMm
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I got my passport back today, complete with my own farking VISA and CERTIFICATE OF ELIGIBILITY! Holy hell, batman-- the Japanese student Visa is COOL LOOKING. It even has a hologram!!!!!!111 Yay me! I'm, like, so totally Japanese now! (haha...)


The words of wisdom for the night are such: "The hardest part about making an awesom ice cream sundae is not eating all the parts before it's done." Quoth me, before making a sundae disaster. I used up the rest of the ice cream and was keen on using up the rest of the Euphoria Fudge Sauce until I burned it while melting it in the microwave. I desperately tried to salvage it by adding milk... but it's hard to eat chocolate once the oil has separated from the cacao. So then I had this brilliant idea to melt some werthers caramels into caramel sauce which worked well but nearly arced the microwave with damn tinfoil specks in the candies. Then that brilliant idea turned into a game of trying to get the caramel out of the shot glass before it all congealed again and then trying to eat the ice cream before the caramel melted it or turned into brittle ice candy. Then I accidentally huffed my whipped cream canister because I was trying to empty the rest of it into my mouth. You know what though? It's a DAMN tasty sundae, parts of it are crunchy AND it sticks to your teeth. ; ) I AM the master!!!

Tomorrow we all leave for Portland and our pre-Glacier respite. The fire situation looked good until yesterday morning when dry thunderstorms started five MORE (but eensy) fires in the park. One is on the OTHER side of the lake up Snyder Ridge near us. But it's small and far away so we can hope and pray it stays contained. Mother of God, though, the air quality in that valley is going to SUCK. If you take a look at the map, you can see the size of the large fires (especially Roberts Complex, right across the lake from us) compared with the small ones. I'm not worried.

you're all talk
I'm one of those people who delights in making endless realizations, assertions and discoveries without ever coming to any truths. I'm always looking and hence I'm always "finding." Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I'm coming to realize that KNOWING something (at least intuitively) doesn't always amount to understanding it in practice. Two problems generally arise out of this. The first is that I tend to often apply this rhetoric to myself and end off maybe wiser for it but less happy. I can constantly analyze and introspect into myself discovering layer upon layer of problems and roots without really understanding anything. So I can tell you, for example, not only that am I insecure but why exactly I am the way I am. Yet I still don't know how to help myself in solving this problem. I'm not a person who can just flip on the "happy" switch and be OK. I have to feel my way out... and end up going in endless emotional and intuitive circles.

The second problem and one that I "knew" about but just today really began to understand (or feel) is that all this rhetoric... politic, religion, spirituality, ethic, culture... is just talk. I can say I KNOW that everything is "subjective" and I do know it but I only know it in concept, not in practice. I tell myself over and over that because I believe these things I have an "open" mind. It may be true that I at least leave the door unlocked... but day by day I'm coming to realize that that door is FAR from open.

I've spent the day in one way or another subjecting myself to images and stories from other cultures and despite my "enlightened" (I hate using that word in reference to myself so let's just say "aware") perspectice, I find that I still feel silly and embarrassed when I try to place myself in the "roots" of someone else. The problem is that I want to BE the world. I want to think that right now, I could be me anywhere. But then I look at photographs from Finland and Tokyo and feel silly and out of place. The part of me that is incredibly culturally CONDITIONED looks condescendingly at other ways of life and thinks "that's silly," "that's CRAZY" or "God, that's weird." It irks me that I can intuitively KNOW that I all these different things are equally valid and equally proud-- and that America is equally stupid, equally absurd and equally majestic-- without actually UNDERSTANDING the acceptance of them.

I suppose, of course, that I should neither flatter myself nor put myself down. I'm pretty sure I'm smart. I'm pretty sure I'm liberal. I'm pretty sure I'm well-balanced, well-read, well-spoken, and well-thought-out. But I'm only twenty years old so I can only be so much of any of these things within the limited scope of my experience. I have been only HERE. I have been only ME. And I want to be so much more. Looking at these pictures, reading these stories I realize that the current underneath my fascination and criticism is fear. The fear of the unknown. The fear of NOT EVER understanding. The fear of being trapped as HERE and as ME. The fear of being only ever American.

There are those who will say I can never change who I am, and those who will say that I can change a million times in a million ways. Whatever the case, whether I stay the same or mold into a new woman every year, I have a long way to go before I can understand any of these "truths" that I implicitly want to know. For now all I have to have is the strength to overcome my fear with curiosity, fascination and anticipation. The biggest door I have ever tried to open is looming right in front of me, nearing every day. I expect more questions that understanding when I open the door but I can hope with a small piece of my heart for some truth in the things that I will see.

good day
HUTTAH! My fatty suitcase that I bought and prepped for Japan is awesome! I can fit like EVERYTHING into it so far without expanding it... and by everything I mean EVERYTHING and slopped in there for demo purposes. AND, AND it only weighs in at 53 lbs which gives me totally enough leeway to take things out and put more in. So I'm going to have two bags and a carry-on. Yay me. ^^

I also bought www.schoolgirlsophistry.com for this domain. So about tomorrow the re-direct should be set up. BEWARE! Get ready to update your links!

Dark Dreams
In my stress I've been sleeping find but dreaming ODD things. Two nights ago was that awful dream about my mom. The night before last I dreamt about Harry Potter... a weird, convoluted, almost hentai dream. It was happy but also very dark. Despite that, I woke up in a good mood. Last night, however, I dreamt a really dark dream. It was futuristic, in a city where Bladerunners and vampire hunters ran rampant. I can only remember three things really, out of the long convoluted plot. First, I spoke to the devil, who had come to claim the soul of one of my friends. Though he seemed inadvertently evil, when I asked him about the whole "fallen from grace" thing he told me, sorrowfully, "Everyone makes mistakes." Second, I was stuck in a large falling elevator with at least twenth other people who lived in my high-rise. A loud male voice kept booming out "mayday, mayday" over a loudspeaker, even after the elevator stopped and I exited into the hidden mountain room on my floor. Finally, I was trying to get dressed for a party but I was tremendously tired and whenever I tried to put my contact lenses into my eyes I found that they were too big and then they would rip. Freaking pet peeves.

take my survey!
I'm gonna buy a domain name for this puppy. Since there are squatters (bastards) on schoolgirl.net and sophistry.com who don't want to sell, I'm going to go for the longer but still appropriate schoolgirlsophistry.BLAH. Anyway, there are three questions on this survey:

1) Should this site be a .com, .net, or .org? Why?

2) Should I buy www.schoolgirlsophistry.xxx or www.schoolgirl-sophistry.xxx? Why do you like dash or no dash?

3) Is that domain name just too damn long?

time's up
Three weeks until I leave Eugene and only a few days more until I leave the United States for a year. I can tell the stress is creeping up on me. Even though I'm remaining mostly emotionally stable and on top of things task-wise, I still find myself crushed momentarily by financial or hurried panics. How in God's name will I get everything done, especially if I need to worry about packing some of my things in the case that Justin moves? Yes, now moving factors into it too. At least there's the option of Justin staying here, but he may choose to vacate and go up to Seattle if he gets the job he's interviewing for on Friday before we leave for Glacier. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer weight of all that I have to accomplish in the two weeks I have left here, especially with Glacier in the middle of it all. At least that gives me some time to decompress.

Inconveniently, I managed to get myself sick yesterday and spent most of the day miserable with a sore throat and stuffy head. Thank God all it looks like is a head cold, because today I feel much better except for some post-nasal drip. I was worried that it might be strep throat because (I'm sure you'll thank me for sharing) I managed to give myself a case of folliculitis from an icky razor blade and have strep or staph induced sores under my armpits. I got some nice sterilizing soap that's cleaned up all but two or three sub-cutaneous bumps and it was those that worried me. What if it had gotten into my lymph system? UGH. I feel like a total leper... but I guess I'm lucky I have good health; some people get gross shit like this happening to them all the time. I just want to feel better again so that I can have the energy to get through these long days and then manage to go on a few good climbs next week. At this rate I should be fine.

Still, Justin's right. I don't handle stress particularly well. I'm starting to panic that I won't get the right gifts for my host family, that I'll forget something important, that I won't be able to pack everything, that my luggage will weigh too much, that I'll lose something to customs or to a bad baggage carrier. Christ, there's so much to worry about and I'm SURE I won't care about any of it a week after I get there. Unless, of course, I run out of money. But I think I should be good if I get part time work. Sigh.

It's easier to fathom leaving in a few weeks because I know I have friends already waiting in Tokyo. Chris Covert, a coworker, will be stationed nearby on a work-related position. I've met a few Japanese this year who've returned home. There are the colleages I know already in the program. And there's Kim from 35 degrees. It also helps that everywhere I go on campus I see groups of the Wasedians that just arrived here a few weeks ago from Tokyo. Every morning when I come to work at least 20 of them are sitting outside on the Fenton steps. If I had the courage I'd ask them what they think and what I should expect. But I'm too hurried and too tired to converse. So much to do, so much to do. So little time.

fear of falling
I had the most godawful dream this morning. It's fading now, so I don't remember most of it but while I was dreaming it was real in the most vivid, detailed sense. I believe what it began as was a visit from my family. We were all planning on going out to dinner and mom was, as is often the case, stressing everyone out. This time she seemed to be getting on my case in particular, criticizing the way Justin and I were living together, telling me how I looked ugly and dressed awfully. (She doesn't do this for real, except more "subtly" sometimes... and usually it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with personal appearance.) What was just a mounting annoyance at first turned into a shouting match in the middle of a restaurant with my sisters making snyde comments and my dad standing complacently by. Mom started threatening me because I was wearing low-rise jeans (yeah this part is stupid, I know) and telling me to at least, for god's sake, pull up my panties. At this point she starts tugging up my underwear until they're past my bellybutton and I look extremely, excruciatingly stupid. Now I'm beyond mad, I tear her hands off of me, slap her across the face, and tell her never to touch me again because what right does she have to change me. She tells me every right, and proceeds to take out her checkbook and decides to cut off my financial aid. Somehow in the dream, this amounted to ME writing HER a check for $849 (equivalent to all my living expenses) every month. So basically she wanted to take all my money unless I changed who I was.

Bear in mind, this of course sounds trite now, but was much more excruciating and detailed during... all I can remember is bearbones. Anyway, the awful part is yet to come. After mom tried to get me to take her money, I told her (in so many words) to fuck off at which point she left the restaurant. I can't remember what occurred right afterwards, except that I talked to my dad for a bit and he encouraged me to go outside where mom was and confront her about why I felt she was demanding unreasonable things from me. I left the restaurant and went outside, where mom was laying on the railing of the deck with her hands over her face. I thought I was willing to talk but when I saw her I was so angry and snyde that I decided I wanted to push her off the railing onto the ground (or sand, we might have been on a beach) about 5 feet below. I figured that would get her attention. So I walked over and shoved her off the edge. She opened her eyes and fell and as she fell I looked over the edge and realized that I hadn't just pushed her off the railing onto the beach but she was falling and falling off the edge of an overpass above countless hundreds of feet and layer upon layer of interlaced freeway overpasses. Then the sick feeling hit me that I'd killed my mother with that one little shove and I saw through veiled eyes as she fell with her arm outstretched and her mouth open until she hit the puddled cement a thousand feet below with a bloody thump.

At that moment, raw emotion overwhelmed sleep or my brain saw fit to end the dream and I woke sobbing into the pillow, listening to the sounds of Justin showering before work. What stayed with me, besides the absolute disgust and terror of the dream, were the thoughts that went through my brain as I realized what I'd done in a moment of rash action. The feeling that I would be forever unforgiven.

After a few minutes I calmed myself but went back to sleep to similarly disturbing dreams that involved cinema, petsitting a dead cat, and terrorist shootouts. Where is my mind?

reinvent yourself
As the time for me to leave approaches, I'm realizing more and more how much I'm seeing this trip to Tokyo as a chance to reinvent myself. In a way, this "chrysalis" makes me nervous, as it's a feeling I've experienced over and over during great transitions-- and one that has several times been disastrously disappointing or superficial. Looking back, I can pinpoint many major times in my life when I've left one place for another with the thought that somehow the change might make me into someone likeable, someone amazing, someone worthy of other people's respect. Of course, my insecurity amounts from a large pool of residual self-loathing from my younger years but thankfully as I've matured, this insecurity has lessened. If I focus on the hard transitions in my life, I find I have a great amount of fear toward change. But if I look at the overall picture... namely how much I HAVE changed over the course of the last few large moves along my path... I find that I am greatly satified. I've become thoughtful, poised, emotionally mature, confident and outgoing. I still have a long way to go with respect to my confidence levels but I have "come into my own" in a great many things. Without the awful, sinking losses I've encurred, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

That's not to say, of course, that I'm satisfied with who I am. I want to feel that I am something other than mediocre, fatigued, and more than occasionally depressed. I want to be happy, not mellow. I want to be joyful and full of energy. My problem is that I can analyze to no end the source and roots of all my problems; hunt them down and seek them out, know them and understand them, but still be unable to change them. And too often (as is now) I resort to manifesting my need for change in superficial ways. Some of these ways are legitimate outlets (like working out at the gym) but others are purely surface level. What concerns me is that I've made going to Tokyo into a superficial change of a great degree. I've bought "nice" clothes (dresses, skirts) so that I won't feel underdressed in a crowd that doesn't often wear jeans and t-shirts. I've bought makeup so that I can "dress up if I want to." I have bags, shoes, hairbands galore that I didn't have before. Silly STUFF.

There are, of course, two sides to this change. On the one hand, there are of course things I needed to get before departure. There also seems to be no harm in having picked up nice clothes because a) I'm such a tomboy I didn't HAVE any of those things and b) I look nice in them and enjoy wearing them. I don't see a huge problem with being prepared and anticipating presenting myself in a nice way. However, there's a part of me that says, "What are you DOING?? You're supposed to get RID of stuff and pack LESS!!" In a way I am... but it's in the way that middle school children feel it's neccesary to go out before the first day of high school and get a whole new wardrobe so that no one will recognize them in their old clothes. It's silly to say that I won't be the same person because I know I will, or that no one will recognize me because I know they will... and it isn't that I'm leaving the old me behind... it's just that the FEELING of that potential to TRY worries me. I don't want to try to invest myself in STUFF. As much as I like being able to feel well-dressed and well-prepared, I always feel guilty with every purchase I make. I don't want what I own to be ME. I want this change to be more than an image thing.

The reason I'm having difficulty is only really because I can't anticipate what is to come. So far, the change is ONLY superficial but that's JUST because I haven't yet arrived in Tokyo and experienced the journey that will shape me. I don't know what will happen and I can't see how it will change me. So I think, in a way, that I bury myself in material transititions, partially because I know what sort of "superficial" attention someone like me (5' 11", blonde, blue-eyes) will attract in Tokyo and that pleases me. I feel guilty for wanting that attention and worried that it will go to my head. Overall, I think I fear that the change will be negative rather than positive. But I'm just chasing ghosts. The metaphysical, spiritual, personal changes that I experience overseas are beyond my comprehension right now but I'm sure they'll be worth it. And I'm sure they'll be worth more than looking like a new woman on the outside.

rest for the weary
a quick hike up mt. pisgah, too much food and wine at beppe and gianni's, all time with friends... happy, healthy and TIRED

bed

permeation
I lay this morning in bed after Justin had gone off to work, my purring cat spooned up against my chest and thought, in another few weeks, this life will be gone from me. I expected some twinge of sorrow or some regret at the loss but there was none. I thought of packing my things into boxes to aid Justin in case he moves. I thought of taking down my pictures and putting away my altar and there was the slightest, deepest sadness in my heart. But that was all... the rest was calm. In my mind, the apprehension is growing that I will be totally over my head in Tokyo. But in my heart, I'm happy for the chance to go. If I were torn full of regret and weeping nightly at the thought of leaving, I would know something was terribly, terribly wrong. And in a way, this is what I had hoped for and what I had feared: a great rending and emotional catharsis. But I would do better to sink slowly into acceptance as I am.. because there is no emotion as truly useless as guilt and nothing as inhibiting as fear. I have nothing to regret and nothing to fear. If life moves in circles, cycles and spirals as I have seen it to do, I will come back to this point once again to choose, with new perspective where I wish to remain.

Holy web-browsers, batman!
Tomorrow Imma gonna have had 30,000 visitors to this page. Thanks, all you googling pornmeisters! I <3 my site name. ; )

Big Man on Campus
Today was another LOOOONG day. Up at seven, home at seven, worked the whole way through in some fashion. I don't know why I'm sitting here instead of showering and going to bed as I told myself I would, but I guess some part of me must still feel guiltily obligated to try and blog at least somewhat before I leave so I don't risk thinking, later, "boy, I wish I'd at least kept some record of my thoughts in that time just before Japan." Why it matters, I'm not sure, as I can only think to write of things inane with what's left of my brain.

I've been managing to study Japanese at least a bit, and I've finally nailed katakana into my mind. See, in first year they actually tested us on hiragana (of course) but never bothered to give us an exam on katakana which resulted in the majority of us learning 'neccesary' characters and neglecting some of the lesser-used ones. So now most of the UO's Japanese students read katakana words like dyslexic foreigners. I mean, more than normal. Anyway, I think I've got it down pat. Now I just need to review about ten typed pages of grammar structures and, oh, three hundred or so kanji. UGH. You see, it's not that I think this will actually help my conversational abilities much once I get to Japan, I just refuse to be "placed" below my level via the introductory aptitude test. I am, after all, there to learn and I don't want to suffer for a summer of slacking.

Despite this, I don't really think I've been slacking at all. The last two weeks at work have been bloody full of activity, especially with upgrades and the new virus that's terrorizing the campus. Really, you stupid hacker fucks, it's just NOT FUNNY. j00 4r3 $00000 |\|07 1337, j00 ASS FARMERS. I mean, yeah, it's cool that people can write such "potent" programs but the end result is NOT that Microsoft will either crumble or evolve into a better company. The end result is just whiny users and pissed-off techs. Fucking pansy-assed linux geeks. Ugh. (Sorry guys, not you...) Today I actually reformatted a machine (not infected, mind you) and reinstalled farking Windows 98 on it. Like it isn't FREAKING FIVE YEARS LATER!!!!!111 I've been trying for the last two days to get the upgrades of 18 lab iMacs (all of which need some personal attention) underway without avail. Everyone else leave me alone to my projects, damn it!!!

Erf, anyway... these 8-hour-full-packed-no-break days are starting to wear on me. It's IMPOSSIBLE to come home in the evening and get anything done and IMPOSSIBLE to do anything that needs doing done during the day, especially considering that most things need done during so-called "business hours." I've decided that, without a doubt, I will not tolerate a two-career partnership. If I ever get married it's absolutely mandatory that one of us only work part time at the most. There's no way to EVER get done housework, cooking, and relaxation with a two-income house. The day just isn't long enough. I fully respect stay-at-home moms now, especially because I've been operating on a no-weekend (read: NO catch-up time) schedule. Now if only I could convince myself that Justin would actually get done the housework if I were the one with a career. Hmmmm.....

Today an interesting day, even if it was unbearably long. TBS was filming on campus, I saw a masturbating-stalker-perv escorted from the Knight Library, and I left work with a check for $5K in my wallet. What's that, you say? Well, TBS screens some retardelicious "Super Playstation Saturday" thing during the summer where they come around to college campuses. In commemoration of Animal House's 25th anniversary they're showing the movie and, of course, came to the UO (where Animal House was filmed) to interview people and film their commercial bumpers. I would have loved to have been an extra except I was so unbearably frazzled that I didn't have time to wait around. That and, um, I've never seen animal house so I wouldn't have been the best at their trivia.

The incident with the perv occurred at Knight Library whilst I was checking out some books for research on Japanese ethnography and cultural etiquette. I was walking around carrying a stack of books up to my head when I stepped out of one of the stacks and almost crashed into a very intimidating DPS officer. I watched him round a corner and look a few directions before carrying on downstairs. It occurred to me that I thought it creepy he was wearing gloves. While I was at the check-out desk, I saw another officer or two lurking around so I asked the staff girls what the DPS was doing in the library, fully expecting them to not tell me. Instead, one of the girls (who must have been feeling chatty) informs me that one of their ex-employees was caught wanking off in the stacks last year (you may remember reading about this on campus) and was banned from the library, not to mention consequently unemployed. In the last half-hour or so he'd been sighted in the library and so, rather than risk further embarrassment, DPS was called in to search for him. We had a good laugh at his expense and I wondered what I might have done had I come across him (or anyone, really) "doing his business" in public. I think I'd probably laugh my ass off extremely derisively. Being a fairly sexually liberal girl, and having seen my share of masturbating men, I can't say I'd be extremely traumatized by indecent exposure. Mildly amused, yes. Traumatized? Pffh. She continued on, telling me that after he was fired he even went so far as to stalk on of their student workers, who eventually acquired a restraining order against him. Sounds like a real creep, ne? Well, as we were standing there, the bugger comes walking right out of the main floor doors right up to where the DPS officers are congregating. All the girls at the counter look appalled at seeing him and sort of glare his way. Meanwhile, another three or four DPS officers come trotting down the hall after being radioed and escort the guy into the lobby by the entry where they proceed to lecture the moron on why he's NOT allowed in the library, despite his protests. And really, the guy just LOOKED like a molester. It was so disappointing. I hate seeing people cater to stereotypes. Come on, all you molester-types, get some better hygene and stuff!

So, the $5K check... no, I didn't win the lottery or anything special. I was just handed a chunk of my Freeman-ASIA scholarships unexpectedly. I had HOPED it would go into my student account, where I wouldn't have to deal with it, but it might be for the better that it's in my hands now. It means that I don't have to wait for direct deposit to hand me out chunks of money every term and that I can delegate the rest of the check as I please. For a moment I was so highly apprehensive about accepting the check and managing my own funds that I wasn't aware of the irony of the situation: I never thought I'd be displeased to take a chunk of cash that large from anyone. But it's all been figured out now. The only thing that remains left to be seen is exactly how much of the check I get to personally keep... and that depends on how much of a loan my dad decides to take out. If he takes out a $4500 parent loan, I should end up with nearly $3800 in personal "income" while in Japan. More than I planned on and enough to get by without too much work. Here's the financial low down:

FINANCIAL AID FOR 2003-2004
Student loans: $5500
University scholarships: $7600
Freeman Scholarship: $7000
Parent loan: $4000-$5000

Between my loans and the scholarship money, tuition and such is pretty much taken care of. The rest of the surplus is so that I can "get by." Of course, I'd LIKE to say that I won't need it if I find some form (ideally) of lucrative, low-effort work so that I can pay off some loans when I come home... but with my spending habits and the chance to NOT WORK for a change, I doubt that will happen. C'est la vie!

Everything's come together so much that I'm finally starting to become apprehensive. With this check in hand, it's only weeks away. Let's just hope I don't forget my ticket! =D

Glacier
Here's the D.L. on Glacier for those of you I haven't updated. Last week the park re-opened for day use and then for full use. Both of the major fires are nearly 50% contained from backburns, etc and will be fully contained soon. There are some trail closures and so far the pass is only open until 6 PM but everything seems to be going much, much better. I'd be willing to bet that the air quality will be just fine!

The good, the bad, and the luck of the draw
Yesterday Justin got a call from the Temp Agency he's registered with. He's been looking for work for a blasted long time now with no luck in Chem positions or office work. Another few weeks with no word would mean, for the both of us, that it was time to pack our stuff up to Seattle, where he would most likely still be living when I got back. There are more jobs there and his parents have just moved back. The call, in it's potent timeliness, was a surprise.

Justin got off the phone smiling. "It's a three month temp-to-hire," he said, "data entry at an insurance place. Full time, $9.50 an hour, starts Monday!" That's great, said I, but what about Glacier? His face fell... he had honestly forgotten. "Shit," he said. "Shit, shit, shit."

He called back the agency with his standard excuse; he told them that in his excitement (true) he'd forgotten that in two weeks he was supposed to visit the east coast for a family reunion and his grandfather's 89th birthday. Would the agency inquire from the company if it would be acceptable for him to take this week off? He said he was flexible either way but told them it had been planned for a long time.

We didn't hear anything from them yesterday except that they had left a message with the company. Three options hung in front of us: the slim chance that they might accept his compromise and give him the job, that he might nix the job because time at Glacier was more important than money (and hence move to Seattle), or that he might take the job and nix Glacier to save himself (and myself) from upending our life here for good.

Now, I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty big decision to make when the chance that they might compromise seems so ungodly small. He waited and groaned. What would I do? I have no fucking idea, I told him. There's a measure in my brain that wants him to move, and a measure that wants him to stay. Him staying binds me here to this house and to this life but him moving draws me away from the permanence and security that exists in the possibility of a continued relationship. Someday. The more I think about it, the more I don't want my life here to go away but the more I'm thrilled by new possibilities. And, on some trite level, my brain said to me that an extra week of work in lieu of a fantastic Glacier trip was at least $400 worth my while.

But he didn't have to decide. As I was playing suburban goddess this afternoon, sunning my bikini-clad self on the lawn reading harry potter, listening to techno on the iPod and drinking ice water out of my nalgene, I failed to hear the "WAHOO!" come from our study window. What I did notice was Justin tackling me and yelling "YAY!", probably 10 minutes later when he was off the phone and done MUDDing. I thought he had just come outside to roll me for the fun of it and I was pissed because he'd scarred the crap out of me since I had my earbuds in. After I pushed him off of me he kept leaping around and told me the good news.

It'll all be here when I come back.

separation without anxiety?
I thought I might ease myself back into the swing of blogging by writing about things in a roundabout sort of way. How is this any different from my normal blogging, you ask? Well, it isn't.. but it still gives me an excuse for poor or lacking content when I have nothing to say, or something to say that especially doesn't make sense.

After the last few weeks and in preparation of the next few coming weeks, I really have needed some "quiet time" to wind down and wind up for what's coming. The silly part is that I really HAVEN'T gotten any quiet time; that I've been busier than ever and that my lack of blogging here to collect my thoughts probably has hurt more than helped me. So fwar. What really cracks me up is that in my two week absense, Alex (who never writes in his frikkin LJ) has blogged more than in the last four months. And I missed it because I had just... JUST given up on ever seeing him write anything in there again. Hah.

When I wrote "the end of an era," it was to Alex I was referring. He's gone to Eurpoe until September and I'll be leaving Eugene for Tokyo mere hours after (or mere hours before) he comes back. Now marks the beginning of the first time that we've ever really been "apart" and the first time, that we've never really been apart at all. After three years of an inseparable romance, two years of angst and regret, and a year of a still-growing friendship, this separation is representative of a true letting go on both our parts. I could never have left like this when we were together without a severing. I could never have left like this when we were apart without still being wrenched with guilt and unresolved issues. While I think we've both been extremely surprised at the remarkable trust and confidence that's grown between us in the last year, it seems to make sense after how long we've walked together. It makes me sad to know that I might not see him for almost a year, but the potential for travel visitation and conversation in the interrum is promising and comforting, as is the thought that when I get back I know I'll have at least one friend who will still "Know" me even if I have changed.

Still, I'm glad for the chance to be really alone, as I know he is. There's something stabilizing about our relationship but some parts of it still sting with the temptation to be drawn back into drama. I think, however, that as adult as we've become we're mature enough to know when crossing boundaries is OK, when it's not OK, and when it'll happen regardless of what the world thinks is right. So we've made our peace but we haven't said goodbye. I think we'll both value the space and calm that we'll have from each other after six very intense years. I'll miss the late-night conversations and the walks, I'll miss the company and the confidance, but I'll be glad to step back and gain some perspective. I know he feels the same way.

On the other hand, Justin and I seem to be faring better than I expected, considering our impending demise. (That's semi-sarcasm by the way.) This Spring I was really fearful that we'd be at each other's throats by now, pushing each other away in spite... or that we'd be trembling and clingy. But we're neither. Life for me has, strangely, proceeded much as usual. I still don't know if I'll be hit by a trememdous shock wave when I get to Tokyo in a month or if I'll simply carry on. Carrying on seems to be the thing to do right now.

After being in a relationship of some monogamous sort for the last six years, I don't know if I'm in for trauma or a treat being alone. I'm anticipating a period of relief, then regret, loneliness, and adjustment. I'm not sure if single life will suit me or not. Part of me really wants Justin to visit me in Tokyo if possible and part of me says that planning on it is a bad idea. I guess time will tell.

Tomorrow the two of us are off to our second weekend of faire in Gig Harbor, WA. I haven't taken any pictures because I've been cast into roles all day long. The first day last week I got to play Lady Katlin, grandaughted of Lord Garth the tourney host. I was, again, kidnapped but this time returned upon horseback carrying the tourney prize. The second day, much to my bemusement, I played Lady Katlin, child bride of Lord Dameon. Dameon is the Knights' troupe leader and awfully good at at least pretending to be a horrible letch. I'm often at a loss as to whether he's joking or only half-serious. In any case, I'm assuming for the moment that that embarrasing (but hillariously FUN) casting was the result of a personal conversation I had with Dameon after scotch, sake, and lambic the preceeding evening. I think Dameon's way of showing someone that he's fond of them is to embarrass them as profusely as possible. Hence the continuous mockery made of Justin's more effeminate habits. heh.

This weekend I'll be playing Vanya Blanche, a mystic and field marshal. I don't know what I'll be doing as I have no scripted lines or actions (I haven't really yet except repeated kidnappings, apparently I do those well). I suppose it will be the same as always: donning a large amount of stage makeup, dressing up in black, and acting snarly/ trollopish so that the male members of the audience get hardons. Or something. I still haven't worked up the courage to be myself in front of a few hundred people. Can you blame me?

I'm rather looking forward to this weekend if just to continue the conversation which Dameon and I were having last Saturday. I finally had just enough (but not too much) liquor in my system to segue into the rather personal conversation I'd been wanting to bring up with him for a while. It's not "personal" in the sense that you might imagine but in a more spiritual and private sense. A mysic event that shaped my upbringing and made me who I Am. A calling. Something so huge in my life that I've only ever attempted to tell three (now four?) people. I laugh, I cry (always cry), I shake my head in disbelief and I call myself stupid. My dream, my fantasy, my lie. I've been called Seeker, Dreamer and secretly by myself, Liar. But now, for the first time, I may have the one thing that I've waited these twelve years for: A teacher. Someone who has already told me that my dreams are more than childhood fantasy compounded by years of loss and incompleteness. I'm not crazy... there may be a Calling. I may yet find the Third.

Absence
Makes the heart grow fonder, I hope. I've been too busy and preoccupied to write. So much has changed that I'll have to play catch-up soon but for now I can't bear to make myself sit in front of my computer during my free hours. Till then.