It's funny...
Now that I've bought all this makeup, I find myself sometimes wearing NO makeup at all on a regular basis. Something that I RARELY did before. Part of it is that I probably just don't care as much about putting on appearances since I'm bugging out so soon. Some of it, though, is that by wearing makeup that highlights my features, I've come to appreciate them both in their unaltered state AND all dressed up. So booyah, it ain't all bad.

This recent material narcissism that's possessed me has caused me to recognize many things... And now I understand the root of the fear from which stems my hesitancy to embrace reinventing myself superficially. By surrounding myself with material posessions, I am expressing my reluctance to abandon the familar (even if these things are "new" they're still "american standard") and step outside of the box that culture has cast me in. If I were a REAL adventure traveller... I'd drop this shit in a minute, take myself a little backpack, and pick up EVERYTHING in Japan. But there are a few problems with that. One, the money's already spent. Two, I'd be spending DOUBLE that in Japan anyway. And three... well, they don't have much in my size. So C'est la vie.

I think it's a big step to link this fear of materialism to my willingness to change and that same willingness to the static conditioning that has made me the cultural mass I am... it's hard to break out... and that's where this fear is coming from, and this dischord. If I try to prepare myself for the unknown in the wrong way, I inadvertently chain myself even more to the very spehere I am trying to step outside.

Gods, I'm being introspective lately, aren't I?