permeation
I lay this morning in bed after Justin had gone off to work, my purring cat spooned up against my chest and thought, in another few weeks, this life will be gone from me. I expected some twinge of sorrow or some regret at the loss but there was none. I thought of packing my things into boxes to aid Justin in case he moves. I thought of taking down my pictures and putting away my altar and there was the slightest, deepest sadness in my heart. But that was all... the rest was calm. In my mind, the apprehension is growing that I will be totally over my head in Tokyo. But in my heart, I'm happy for the chance to go. If I were torn full of regret and weeping nightly at the thought of leaving, I would know something was terribly, terribly wrong. And in a way, this is what I had hoped for and what I had feared: a great rending and emotional catharsis. But I would do better to sink slowly into acceptance as I am.. because there is no emotion as truly useless as guilt and nothing as inhibiting as fear. I have nothing to regret and nothing to fear. If life moves in circles, cycles and spirals as I have seen it to do, I will come back to this point once again to choose, with new perspective where I wish to remain.