A Declaration of Self
Oh, lookit that. It was raining after I wrote that post. Now it's hailing. Ooop, wait, it's sunny!! What the hell!??!

I just want to respond further to a very good point Jake raised in last entry's comments about American self-centeredness. On one hand, I completely agree. There's nothing worse than the American mindset that everything revolves around the "self" and material goods rather than the family and service. Our philosophy of selfishness is ridiculous and shallow. But there's a difference between selfishness and self-love or introspection. It is completely possible to be utterly "selfish" and "self-absorbed" and know absolutely nothing about the SELF. There's a difference between taking time to nurture, converse with, and understand the self and indulging in vortex-like behaviors. It seems to me that most Americans are missing that critical link and spend their whole lives being selfish WITHOUT being introspective.

All things considered, I do believe that there is a lot of value in glorifying the self. We're very lucky that we have the resources and the amenities to even think about our spiritual selves and not limit our concerns to survival. But we are our selves... if not that, what are we? I'm a firm, firm believer that one has to have a certain level of self understanding, self love and inner peace to be able to truly connect with and love others. That sounds god-awful new-agey but from every experience I've ever had with anxiety, depression and alienation, self-hate, misinterpretation of emotions, or overinvolvement in external stimulation (too much complexity) were to blame. That's what "me" time is; it's taking time to be quiet and listen to the voice that is you: introspection. Introspection is not negative selfishness. Introspection and self-understanding are what the millions of self-involved and unhappy Americans are lacking.

One must give to (by that I mean nurture) the self in order to nurture others for the right reasons. Otherwise that giving to others and not to the self is martyrdom. And believe me, that's why I have "issues" with selfishness in the first place. I've always been a spiritual and introspective person. But I was raised in a household with a mother who was a martyr and was so bitter about losing herself and having to constantly GIVE everything she had to her children that she delighted in calling me selfish whenever I wanted to do anything remotely self-enriching.

My problem with being over-involved is that I try so hard to please my parents, my professors and my peers that I forget why I got involved in all the things I'm doing in the first place: to be enriched. I try to give too much when I should be taking in that enrichment. It is selfish giving, yes, because I'm looking for approval... and that's what makes me so frustrated when things don't go how I'd like. I really want to feel like the things I'm doing have some value to me as a person and will craft me into a more knowledgeable, more successfull, happier, freely giving (as opposed to giving through obligation or duty), more loving person. But the things I'm doing won't do that... I have to do that. And that's what I mean by "I'm not really thinking of me." I'm being too involved in external, selfish giving that I'm martyring myself for things like grades, approval, and "improvement." Yes, that is selfish. I wouldn't neccesarily say it was WRONG unless it were fucking... which it is. So when I say I'm giving too little regard to myself, I mean introspectively. And when I'm like this, it's impossible for me to be a loving, giving person until I give a little patience back to myself.

I've been called selfish since I was an early-adolescent, been demeaned as a person for taking interest in who I am. The things I involve myself in are my way of finding that self and sometimes I let them get to me. Maybe I'm not out to save the world but I certainly don't have material aspirations either. I just want to be and to be happy with and love who I am. Yes, that is a luxury I'm lucky to have. Yes, I am selfish. And I am proud of my SELF.

You know what else r0xx0rs my b0xx0rs? A bag of M&Ms for 4 cents.... MMMMMM.....