SQUEE!!!
Well... Friday... uh...

Is it just me or has the weather here been a bit more spastic than usual this spring? RAIN. SUN. HAIL. CLOUDS. SUN. DOWNPOUR. SUN. SEVENTY DEGREES. FIFTY DEGREES. THIRTY DEGREES. Augh! It's more than a little schizophrenic and it's matching my current mood!

But it's sunny now. And I just came into the math office to check my messages and now my adrenaline's pumping. Why? Because in five minutes I'm going over to Microservices to pick up my camera that arrived around noon today... and I just recieved a $25.00 donation via Paypal from one Ms. Mauter, who I assume is either a reader of this blog or a fated wanderer across sendmeabroad.com. HUTTAH!! My paypal works! And that just made my day. Or possibly my week. =D I'll have to hurry up and finish my truly informative sections so I can give myself a little publicity. Thank you so much!!!! WAU!!

I think I will get everything I need done today. I went to the counseling center at 10AM and made myself a drop-in appointment. I talked to Dr. Joy about my anxiety and insifficiency problems and my romantic complications. I felt a bit stupid talking about it all, because I'm "mostly fine" right now but I know that it's all still there, lurking beneath the surface. And unless I sort myself out a bit, I could end up with a lifetime of stress related problems. The counselor indicated that she thought my problem was with frustration, and feeling like nothing was ever quite enough and thus overburdening myself. She seemed to agree that it's linked to my fear of being insufficient and ending up locked in an unhappy lifestyle like my parents. But I've got myself in a catch-22. By trying so hard to find what it is I WANT, I'm forcing myself to be martyred for everyone else's approval and not really thinking of me. I'm doing too much with too little regard for myself.

She recommended that I might benefit from therapy, so as stupid as I felt saying that I was messed up (I always tell myself to get over it), at least she agrees that there is something wrong. That and I do still get upset when I talk about my frustrations. Sigh.

I didn't particularly like the counselor that much. She was very sensitive, as they're supposed to be. She did a lot of nodding and was pretty soft spoken. This sort of annoyed me. I want and assertive counselor, someone who's willing to guide me in attacking the problem. I'd ask for a male counselor and maybe benefit from it if I didn't feel like I wanted to talk about sexual issues in the future. I'd feel weird discussing orgasms with a man. Not bashful, mind you, just not like I could take advice about what I should do. On the other hand, it might be a great way to learn to be more open.

I guess we'll see. The waiting list is huge at this point and they don't even know if they can get me in until the end of the term. I'll probably be in much greater need by that point. I don't really qualify for a local referral because there's no provider for my insurance in Eugene. The nearest Kaiser firm is in Salem. No WAY am I driving up there. Looks like there might be a depressiong/anxiety clinic in the Psych building that may have spots open, so I'll call over there to check on that too. At least it's a proactive start.

I made another health center FPEP appointment today to get some more Lo Ovral for this summer and study abroad. Don't ask me why I don't just go off the stuff... I'm certainly not expecting to be sexually active in Japan. But I'm almost afraid to change my hormone levels for what it might do to my body/ moods. I've been on BCPs for so long that I really don't know what it's like to let my hormones flow naturally any more. I do know firsthand what it's like to have a shitty experience with birth control. Read my entries last winter for a toned-down example of the depression I went through while on Depo-Provera. Not doing THAT again. Anyway, it's more a maintenance thing. I'm almost out and it wouldn't be good not to get a refill. No Babies. NOOOOOOO BABIES.

There was a sign on the door of the health center that read "ALERT!! IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING A DRY FEVER AND COUGH, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH ANOTHER DOOR AS DIRECTED BY SIGNS" (or something similar). I can only imagine it applies in some way to SARS. It's creepy that they're taking that precaution even here and diverting people with such symptoms to a certain area of the health center. I don't like to think that we'll live in an era of epidemic and war. It sounds like armageddon to me. I'm a bit fearful that if they don't figure this thing out soon (or it mutates again or something like it would do in the movies) that I'll be in much greater danger of being exposed to it in Japan. Well... if anyone's healthy, it's me! I'll jinx myself by saying this, I'm sure, but I managed somehow to escape my first-week-of-term illness this Spring. Yay! Well, I have allergies to look forward to. That's what it's like to live in the god damn "Grass Seed Capital of the World" and have the highest pollen count IN THE NATION during grass season. Maybe I won't live in Eugene later in life after all. There really are only four months of the year that it's the greatest place ever. Maybe, just maybe, that's enough.