she runs away
I woke up this morning and though, I don't really want to go to Japan, I want to be happy with what I have. The problem is... that I'm not. And I'm not going to be happy because I've set myself up to fail. I cannot simply be happy by thinking happy thoughts, I'll only be talking myself into something that I've been talking myself into for the last two years. As much as I love it here and I don't want to leave, I'm stuck in the middle of a really nasty web and I'm not ever going to be anything but torn to pieces unless something changes.

So yes, I do love what I have. I love my friendsand I love my lifestyle.I'm comfortable but I'm not fulfilled. This place that I'm in keeps convincing me to stay and killing me at the same time. I'm confused as all hell. And I'm too afraid-- terrified-- to change.

Things aren't how they need to be. They need to change but I don't want them to because I know how scared and lonely I'll be. But maybe, just maybe, that will be better than how I feel now.

I'm tired of playing this role and being a pawn to my own emotions. I'm too deep in this game. And fuck it all, it's time to stop. I don't know how to get out of it but I will. I love myself too much for this. No one seems to realize how much it's killing me. I can't bend this way without breaking.

I'm sorry, but there can be no more rules. The time to be honest is at hand.

Sara's right, sometimes there's nothing wrong with running away. But I'd rather own up to what I'm doing first.