stranger in a strange land
I was at the grocery store with my dad this evening, one of the more enjoyable experiences I've had since coming home. We were shopping for produce at Safeway when we crossed paths with what appeared to be a host mother and her exchange student. The girl was Japanese (most likely) and I had the distinct impression that she was new to the states because her host mother was taking her around to all the fruits and vegetables and asking "do you like this? do you like this?" and the girl was saying "yes, I do like that." It was almost amusing except that it frightened me to picture myself in the same position of awkward communication with a host family in the fall. I was really tempted to approach the girl and ask her where she was from and tell her I was thinking of traveling to Japan in the fall, but the situation seemed too forced to try it although I regretted it later. My dad seemed to think I should have talked to her. Oh well... I can't be spastic and outgoing all the time.

From talking to my family it looks like I have the go-ahead on study abroad. It also looks like I may be able to get them to put some of their damn parents loans into my name so they can stop fucking hassling me about how much debt I'm accruing. Like it's my fault I don't qualify for any scholarships because I'm white, female, middle-class, not part of any weird organization, with a relatively bland background and not seeking some absurdly professionally-oriented career. Yeesh. Ok, so that last one's my fault. But don't blame me for the rest.

Anyway, they told me that they took the loans to "alleviate" some of my financial burden. So why did they end up taking so much? No clue. Really, if they WANT to pay it off, great! No skin off my back. But I don't think they should what with three other kids who are college-bound and equally unqualified for scholarships. I especially don't think they should if they're just going to make me feel so damn guilty all the time. Christ, what did they want me to do, finish school in three years???

It looks like I may be able to get them to leave me alone after all. Someday. I hope.

I just also want to say that I don't think I've seen a group of people more miserable and unhappy with themselves and each other than my family. Except possibly the Israelis and Palestians. It pains me to be here. It gives me brain cramps. It makes me depressed and hopeless about the future. Is this my destiny? It's no wonder I have a fear of careers, of children, of marriage, of commitment. I'd rather die than end up in a life like this.