Once upon a time I was falling in love...
now I'm only falling apart
No, nope, same thing this morning. I Woke up and didn't want to leave, even after the awful, hour-long, "face-it" conversation I had last night with Justin about the demise of our relationship. No matter how hard it is for me to imagine a permanent future for us, a large part of me doesn't want to end the relationship now or even ever. I want to make it work, it just feels like I'm setting us up to fail. I want him to be someone he isn't, for the sake of salvaging my dreams. He just wants me to be happy. So, despite the fact that I have a valid desire in wanting my needs and wants affirmed, it always comes down to seeming like our misery is my fault. Where is the happy-go-lucky girl who.... wait, dammit, I must not be talking about me.... I don't think I've ever been happy-go-lucky.

Erm, well, I guess I used to be a bit more zen than I am now. I'm always a bucket-o-moods, on an epic scale. But there have been times in my life when I have this unsurmountable appreciation for the world, a cosmic wonder about the way of things. Then something always comes along to ruin it... usually the stupidity of other people. I guess I never learned to cope very well with things outside myself--- their influence on me is always too profound and too intimate for me to remain functional when they turn against my expectations. Maybe I need to build the wall that other people seem to have between themselves and the world. Maybe I need to learn to expect less.

I'm the one that needs to stop, because I'm damning myself to being unhappy until I can figure out a way to unwind and distance myself from the things that posess me. I let everything bother me too much. I'm too fucking serious. But at the same time, I need to learn to want things all the way instead of halfway so that when I make a choice I'm not either talking myself into or out of something. I want to either feel like I'm not missing anything or that I what I'm missing isn't important to me being me. I want to love what I've got and love it above all else. I'm going to work on that because if I can wake up in the morning and still want to make this last, I can at least spend the next six months feeling good about it.

I'm not going to let today unwind me. I'm going to feel good all day.