damage control
After the nightmare this morning I wanted to get up. I wanted to write down the dream, take it out of my mind and make it a part of the real world. This always seems to take away a dream's power over me. But it was too early, and we had a guest slumbering on the couch so I stayed in bed. I'm glad I wrote the dream here though, even if it is personal and revealing.

I feel much better after a good workout. Nothing like channeling that energy!

And I have lots of energy. I ate a big dinner last night with Justin and Jason and Beppe and Gianni's. Jason is Justin's old friend who came to stay the night on his way up from the bay to Seattle. He's going to London in two weeks and then to Africa for two years to do Jesuit teaching work. I feel his fear and also his excitement. I can honestly say I'm both envious and sad for him. What a huge change!

Some of my anxiety has been caused by the possibility of my going abroad. I made the promise to myself that whenever I travelled for long periods alone, I would be single. Not to be unfaithful or to "experience" but just because I'm not comfortable with that anchor. Justin and I have been talking about this the past few days. I've been feeling ashamed for even mentioning it, afraid that talking about this unexplainable feeling really cheapens our relationship. Does it? Should I follow this feeling or compromise? Am I ready to take the "no contact" committment? It just makes me feel like the logical next step is MARRIAGE and I'm sure as HELL not ready for that. I feel guilty for my suggestions and my immature fear of distance commitment. Some part of me just doesn't want to cope with it any more. And with the breakup of Alex's roomate (whom I know only distantly) and his two-year girlfriend, some old feelings have surfaced.

Where am I going?

Well, I do feel a bit better. There is hope for the day. I talked to my journalism prof about her class policies during our meeting today. I still resent having to do everything twice, even if I know it's how a real editor would do it, but I understand her philosophy a bit more. She's also decided not to give us grades on our assignments. Bad grades coupled with "rewrite" are the ultimate discoragement to students. So she's simply giving us the experience of working to write something RIGHT. Granted, RIGHT is her opinion which I don't neccesarily agree with, but it's better than failing. She also told me I'm one of the best writers in the class and that I don't really need to worry about my grade... just to work on my verbs (I need to write more actively) and in building a solid story focus (I try to do too much at once). I think I can do that. And no, I really don't hate the woman, just her policies. But now that all our work is paring down to the feature, I think life will be more manageable.

I've realized that this class COMBINED with the Voice is what's taking me down. I can handle one or the other individually but together... deadly combination. One day at a time. Almost there!

And I seem to be able to make more and more time to see friends and relax. Tonight Justin and I are going to another BBQ. I have some things to do but not too much.

I've gotta work out the rest of this tension. So the plan for the evening iiiiiisss....
-do homework
-see friends
-get laid
-go to bed early

I just hope nothing comes up. Something always does. Be positive, Kat... be positive!

THERE IS HOPE, OREGON HAS A DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR!! Thank god for the power of the vote, even if the republicans have our senate seat and the rest of the friggin country.