mind meld
I just wrote this in Anna's guestbook after today's entry:

The sharing of stories is just one way we recognize our infinite connections...

The world is ley lines and vectors from every living thing to another; a crisscrossed roadmap of life energy. The voices of a billion living beings.

We all sing countless variations of the same song... we dance because we all hear a beat.

Sometimes, when the light of the late evening slants just right across the kitchen floor, we all share the same memories.

Sometimes, though we don't realize it, we wake in the night, all from the same ancient dream.

We keep reading because we see ourselves more clearly through one another's eyes.

Thanks.

I don't know her but she writes like she knows pain and speaks beauty from it... She has power that can only come from angst. When I was younger, I felt I could write this way... that I could encompass the whole world within a span of emotion. But the tradeoff was being terribly angry with the world and with myself.

Do writers and artists crave the empowerment that comes from "negative" emotions? Most I know do. When we're happy, content, complacent (unless we're euphoric or orgiastic) we don't really find the power to move our inspiration into media. It's not that we aren't inspired by our joy (though some of us aren't inspired when we're happy), it's just that we're too busy enjoying experiencing it to give it form. When it passes, we mourn it... we build it tributes. We build altars to it's essence. We shout into the aching void. What echoes back is not joy, but its inverse... and in this blackness, we crave to give color to anger, tears, frustration. We crave to experience life and not be entangled in our emotions... but we DO crave these emotions, we want their power.

I had a looonnng talk with Alex last night (the Ex... (yes, there really is only one unless you count my middle school boyfriend, and I don't)). He's looking for this sort of emotional power in his life again, to help him fuel his art. You don't know how many times I had to tell the boy, "be careful what you wish for." I'm sure he's karma-cursed himself by now. It was a good talk. No. More than good, it was excellent. I'm always afraid that when we get together it will be the time that neither of us can think of anything to say, that there will be no spark and we'll all of the sudden start boring each other to death. We've been through all nine-levels of personal hell to get to the place we are but, to me, that malaise would be worse. I'm always amazed by the way we connect. To be honest, it gives me some sort of guilty pleasure to run off and just talk with him for hours. Like, there's no reason it should be taboo, but somehow it seems it is. I guess that's really because there's no one else in my life right now with whom I connect with on this particular level and with whom I can talk to so freely... and society tells me I should feel guilty for sharing this with an ""ex boyfriend."" But, what does society know?

I was surprised. Last night was the first time it finally seemed like we dropped all burdens and pretenses. Let bygones be bygones, so to speak. It's been ... oh... two and a half years since I quit the relationship and it's taken a lot of really hard work to get us back to smiles. The hardest work, possibly, that I've ever done. Possibly, the most worthwhile. The funny thing is, I know him now like I wanted to know him two years ago. In a way, this lack of knowing was what made it impossible for us to go on. We were too built on ideals and preconceptions and infatuated with imagination. There's beauty to that naivety, but also danger. I feel like I've accomplished the impossible. That I feel as strongly about him now (though in a different way) as I did three years ago but without curtains, smoke and mirrors. It feels good to be able to honestly say to him, "I just want you to be happy." We've axed all sexual pretense, gotten rid of jealousy, possession and paranoia and just taken the time to listen to each other. I'm really proud of what we've become, and it gives me hope for finding other people to bring into my life that I can feel the same way about.

I guess that's what I want from all my relationships, frienships or otherwise. But they don't really work like that, for two obvious reasons. Despite the connection we have, there's a sort of element of novelty that won't go away because we don't hang out all the time. I know it's petty to say this, but I'm sure I'd get bored eventually. Secondly, all relationships can't be like this because... well, simply put, people get horny eventually. You don't want to service yourself forever. And the world takes sex all to goddam seriously. Alex is in the renouned "Philosophy of Love and Sex" class this term, so we had a fun talk on this very subject (also, I'm impressed we've advanced to the point where "it" isn't a taboo word any more). Basically, the gist of it is that I see a huge catch-22 in the way the world views love and sex. First, it seems like the majority of people take relationships, manogamy, and sex far more seriously than logic warrants. But if I look at the opposite side of the scale, I see people who refuse to be responsible of have no idea how to commit, carry and help someone. It seems that to have stability, jealousy, protection, and even violence must be initiated. But to really know how to PLAY... ya gotta throw those out the window. I wish there were a common ground. Mainstream sexuality is just so ... *ahem* BORING.

Well, there's a tangent for ya. I guess I have a good time when I just let my mind go writing here sometimes. Yesterday, I had a sort of small revelation about blogging. This blog has proved to me something which I set out to see if it could do... that if I spoke my mind, people would still like me, respect me, and be interested in me. But it's also proven that maybe, if I say too much, I won't have anything left to say to people even if they're hanging around me. But I guess I like letting out all the serious stuff. I like living with nothing hidden. It leaves more room for fun time and play. It's like cleaning both the cobwebs and moving the heavy furniture out of the brain. Eh, it's why I like my job... gives me time to unwind and wind up all at the same time. I've been really enjoying myself both at Micro and at Math, and hanging out with the Micro people after work drinking Margaritas and Pina Coladas, watching TV (Great Outdoor Games RULE!) and taking dirty and ranting about work. Fun times. I love summer. I love fall. Winter can suck my dick, but I love life in general.

I feel strong today. I feel magik, I feel empowered. I feel like I know I can love and be happy and get away with it. I feel free of pettiness and guilt. I feel beautiful and sexy and smart. I feel like I can do anything. Hear me roar!