endless fascination
People play stupid games with each other. It's not like we want to use each other, it just happens. We're fascinated by each other for a while, we breathe the passion off each other like choice cocaine and then, when the fix wears off, we wander away in search of another dealer. I need someone to be my dealer for life.

Case in point: It's funny. The way that Kasey looks at me has completely changed now that he "knows" I'm seeing someone. Luckily for me, it came up in casual conversation and it didn't have to be one of those "I'm sorry, I'm taken" moments, which always make things awkward and unavoidably obvious. So he has no reason to act like anything is different. But it's apparent one of his less mature friends (another SRC empolyee) has taken it to heart to goad Kasey about his letdown. I guess I'm sorry for him. He must have liked me a lot, or at least have been sure he'd get lucky... he seems awfully disappointed. Well, not on the surface... we have to deal with each other because I'm there every day and he works there. But he's not trying to talk to me every single moment of the day and when he does talk to me, he's not all shining eyes and smiles. I admit, I'm thankful his interest has waned. He's a really cool guy, but I go to the gym to work out, not to chat it up with every single other attendee, as they seem to want to do. I'm usually on a time frame during my 12-1 lunch or 5-6:30 lifting after work when I'm hungry and just want to go home. But it was nice to talk to someone with such an "interest" in me, who looked thrilled to be getting to know me. If only he didn't have gonads for a motive. Sigh.

Yes, I'm going somewhere with this, somewhere more than this trite "oh this guy had a crush on me and now he doesn't like me and I feel like an ass but I'm kind of glad" crap. It makes me kind of sad because this is what I feel happens in a lot of my relationships, especially during the initial "fascination" period. You meet someone, you're amazed by them but there's only so much you can learn before your amazement turns to complacency and from complacency to boredom. Usually, boredom is where the relationship rests... because you can still have fun with the person and still be "friends" but you don't pick each others brains any more. You don't ask each other random questions about dreams and hopes and childhood. When you think of one, the answer always seems to disappoint you.

I guess I "test drive" a lot of people this way. I don't make friends easily because my inital pleasure with people often fades and then we just go our separate ways. Perhaps I have too high a standard or perhaps it's good to be selective. There's less drama in my life when I'm not surrounded by idiocy. I remember giving up being picky once in high school and opting for being a "wannabe" in the popular crowd. That was one of the lamest things I've ever done. I used to have a real complex, think I was better than everyone and that other people were honestly stupid. While I still believe the vast majority of people are sheep, I don't really hold it against them. I'm a sheep sometimes, too. I may not be stupid, but I'm not any more "right" or "better" than anyone else. There is no standard for personality. Everyone is different. I know too many people who look at the rest of the world as a slavering mass of stupidity and assume they've seen something that makes them superior. Epiphany time, folks... you ain't been nowhere if you're only twenty-five. I'm not a weathered veteran; I used to think I was. I don't have battle scars. I have no right to claim superior experience or intellect when I don't know. It's the people who think they know that are usually wrong. The people who think they're high and mighty who scrape the bottom. So you might not like sorority girls but you can't say you're better than them. Maybe ignorance is bliss and they have that happiness that your disgruntled little ass could never have. God, sometimes I wish I were a stupid cow... how light the world would seem! How I wish I could read cosmopolitan and not realize every issue is the same. Instead, I see this:



Heh heh. So I'm a little embittered still.

There are a lot of people I love... and I've grown to love them more over the summer. I've missed them while they were away, or appreciated their patience and skill. I've listened to them and they to me, and we've done some crazy shit together. I haven't had friends like this since the first two years of high school and, thankfully, I'll be going back home to see them in a week and a half. A WEEK AND A HALF!! I can't believe it. It won't hit me till I'm in the air. I like flying, it gives me time to think like working out does. Quiet contemplation time. Synethesia time.

I'm glad for having a full life and a full head. I am, for the first time in forever, happy with where I am. I like my home and my mate and myself. I'd just forgotten what non-angst felt like... it feels quiet... it can be boring. So I surround myself with work and play and people but sometimes I crave this "interpersonal fascination." So that's why I occasionally get caught flirting. Or why I feel so lonely once a new friend has faded away. What I really want. What the point of this entry IS is to say that I want someone in my life who fascinates me always, someone who I don't get bored by. Someone who sinks into quiet comfort but never complacency. I want a dreamer, a lover, a friend. Someone platonic and amazing who inspires and challenges me, who frustrates me and makes me insanely happy. I feel this way around almost EVERYONE for a while but, you know... it fades. I'm not an addict to this novelty. I don't "ditch and run." I just take for granted. It's harder for me to take for granted all the wonderful people in my life these days, a real boon, but I still crave SERIOUS INTELLECTUAL INTERCOURSE. Deep, sweaty, slamming, mind-fucking conversations. All night. Mmm. Dirty.

It can happen. I know it can, cause I've had it. So, you know... you never go back. Meh. I guess my problem is, I have and endless fascination. And.... it should go away... someday... hopefully... cause this one ain't supposed to work or be there. One of those f*cking social taboo things that makes it impossible to nurture. Le sigh. I'm not the coward I used to be, but nor am I in any way someone to break the mold of my own desires. I want to interface with someone who wants to interface with me, with whom it's voluntary and unwilled. I want it to happen again. And this time I'm keeping it.