Relax, go to it...
I stayed in my pajamas until 6:15PM today. I didn't even leave the house until about half an hour ago when I went to the video store to treat myself to the Two Towers extended edition DVD. I haven't got a fever any more but my stomache still feels as though, some time in the last two days, I consumed a fifth of rum. There's a rock somewhere in my small intestine.

I should be taking it easy but there's nothing that gets me as worked up as not leaving the house. I wrapped my presents, I swept my floor, I did my laundry but still... still... there's the lingering irritation that I should be out there DOING SOMETHING and not here in my room hiding from my host sister. I need to take it easy. Whether it's stress from travel reservations and travel costs looming over my head or from other unrelated reasons, my stomach pain is accompanied by a peculiar weakness and lethargy. Today was one of those days that it took me three times longer to do any little thing. Three times longer than my already slow usual. And I had to cancel a pseudo-date with some nice guy from the gym because I realized that as much as I want to push myself, I feel like death warmed over. If you know me at all, you realize just how hard it is for me to cancel plans or choose between a double-booked situation. I MUST DO EVERYTHING. It seems to be my drive in life.

So anyway, ugh, here I am. I'm torn between the desire to stay local and make all the money I can over break or to throw my puny earnings around going to Super Onsen and having me some New Year's debauchery. I'm frustrated because I want to be inspired by this city and amazed at where I am but instead I feel as if this whole place is cold and unwelcom...

[we interrupt your regularly scheduled programme]
//Uh. Yeah, so I actually just got a call letting me know I passed my first photo audition for a modeling job. And, um, I have an in-person audition tomorrow. With freaking Sanrio... for posters and pamphlets and stuff. If I get the job (which I won't, I assure you), shooting is on Friday and pays some $200-$300 dollars. Send me some good karma, please. I'm not rail-thin but I'm cute like Hello Kitty, right... RIGHT???//

Anyway, back to the bitch fest. I'm complaining because Christmas here makes me nauseous. It's utterly empty and cold. And I can't seem to connect with the Japanese because their idea of "friends" seems to be "drinking/ shopping/ toodling around" pals which is the same shallow crap I shy away from in the states but here accompanied by a language barrier that makes it NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to get around.

At least one thing I'm sure about is that I won't give up. I won't give up until the end. I may be bitter and cynical but I'm going to keep looking.

Riding the bus back from the video store, I tried to see some glimmer of warmth in the lights and noise around me. I tried to feel the Japan I see in anime... that wacky, happy, open-arms place... but I couldn't (and then I only felt like the pathetic geek-type I condem).

But when I got home, there were letters, pictures and postcards (still no packages, damn it!) waiting for me and I read them with tears streaming down my face. I won't give up. I won't give up. I'll find my inspiration even on the cold undertow of the city.

I'll wake up tomorrow refreshed and with a perky smile on my face nevertheless. I'm going to meet Sanrio. =D