Aural Aggrivation
I've always had sensitive ears. I hate the sound of yelling and of general human noise pollution... but I never gave much thought to "white noise" or city noise until now. The noise here is really getting to me, especially now that the building in front of my window that used to block the main street is gone. There is nothing-- no commute, no distance, no neighborhood-- to separate me from the city and it makes it impossible to unwind. As a result, I can't wake up or come down at the end of the day between here and school and, worst of all, I can't sleep.

For the first time in my life I'm walking around like a living zombie because my room is NOT quiet enough at night. And during the day I carry around a burning, passionate hatred for every f**ker on a motorbike I see because it's those asshats and their crotch-rockets that wake me up at all hours of the night. For just a few sexual favors, Chris-san is going to be giving me some earplugs (minus the sexual favors) and hopefully those will work without causing me to oversleep my alarm.

Without sleep I cannot function. Literally. I can't eat because I feel nauseous. I *hate* EVERYTHING and I'll cry or become disfunctionally neurotic over the smallest details. By the time I get to school at 9:30, I want the day to just be over. I haven't felt so crappy so early in morning the since high school... or maybe just since I took Depo and spent three months in hell.

Today some guy body-checked me in Baba station and I seriously, SERIOUSLY almost chased after him to kick him in the nuts. Didn't he see the "Don't F--- with me" expression plastered all over my face?!?! I try to be as obvious as possible. I mean, jeez. Then I full-body-checked the next businessman in my path just for retaliation. Hah. That'll show HIM. At lunch I made jokes about setting up a face-to-face meeting with the Chuo-sen (the Chuo line is an express train rather infamous for station suicides) except that I didn't really feel like joking around, I felt like just giving up. I started crying as I was walking to the gym. And working out didn't even make me feel better because all I did was get angry at all the wussy idiot Japanese men doing their lifts so wrong that 2/3 of them will end up with hernias and serious spinal problems within 5 years. MORONS!!! At least I have on my iPod one angry playlist to go along with such moods. Thank you, Apple, for encouraging me to take everything sooooo personally. (I hope you see the irony in that statement)

One of those (Mon)days, you know? I'm here in Japan. I'm actually here. For the first time I'm really, you know, doing something extraordinary with my life. This should make me feel good buuuuut I just find it disappointing becase it feels exactly like every other "normal" thing I've ever done.

I'm still more down than up. I still feel lost without purpose and cornered into taking aimless paths for unworthy aims. The worst part is that I am AWARE that this mindset (purposeful existence) is so American and so WRONG but I don't know what to do to change it. Obviously, there's something wrong with planning my happiness always to occur "after" my current situation is over and after I do something well or get something done. I can't seem to stop thinking that the "grass is greener" even when a perfect field is right in front of my eyes.

I know that it's all right here for me. I KNOW IT. I can see and feel a happy balance just beyond my reach but the fact that I can never seem to reach it only discourages me more. Maybe I just think too much to be happy. (Or maybe it's just not enough sleep, eh?!!?) But how does one stop thinking? Perhaps I was simply destined to be a cynic. Tra la.

And don't say it's culture-shock that's got me down... I know I'm culture-shocked still and it's also a drag not to be able to shake off that feeling. And yet, I feel this disenfranchised with life in America, too. I think simply haven't found a place for me yet. I'm hoping there is one.