Proud to be a Pervert
Does anyone else think it's really scary when a dildo has a face? I certainly like MY sex toys without that much personality.

In case you can't tell, I just got back from Rachel's "Tupperware" party and an evening of girl-oriented sexual exploration. Unlike most of my parties, this one ended with everyone's clothes ON. (Much to my chagrin because I'm now sitting at home boyfriendless and absurdly hot and bothered.) It was mad fun even though a number of the friends I invited didn't show up and despite the fact that the crowd was overwhelmingly of a vanilla hetero attitude (though I don't know if anyone but Katie and I noticed this.). I walked away with $35 worth of toys and fun stuff that I probably don't need, being that I already own a version of all the "gear" there. Surprisingly, this super-freakishness only managed to embarrass me once or twice. Other than that I was just the object/ teller of many interesting stories. Tis good to have no shame.

Honestly, I think the best part of the evening was after everyone left and before I went to pick up Justin to drive him up to Corvallis. Four of us girls sat around and had honest-to-god girl talk like I haven't had in YEARS for near forty minutes. Me, talking to FEMALES??? Nahhhhh.... But wow, it felt so unburdening to talk about everything from exes to orgasms without the fear of a testosterone-laden statement creeping in. That sort of lightness stayed with me even driving Justin up to Corvallis on the dark, flooded freeway and I finally said some things to him I've been meaning to admit for a while: things about our uncertainties, our attachments, my need for introspection and how all this relates to me going to Japan. And I also realized that some part of me still thinks it'd be REALLY STUPID to go because I can't afford to abandon the ties that I have after being without such valuable relationships for so long. I think I came to the realization that the most invaluable part of this whole experience, whether I go or not, is right now, when the door is open and the realm of possibility is infinite... when I can be free to address everything important revolving around the decision without actually making it. That freedom is worth more than the $50 application fee by far.

So we talked about some pretty complicated and serious ethical predictions and cleared the air for a bit. And then I turned around and went home for another weekend by myself, playing single socialite with a million and one friends. I'm sad though, because I'm lonely and horny, I love my boyfriend, and we haven't had nearly enough QT in our relationship recently. He keeps getting distracted by his MUD and I by more fulfilling social politics than doing homework and watching him play on the computer. We do things together often enough, but not alone together... we're always with the same friends. I think our mutual social dynamic is starting to wear on us a bit. But, on the other hand, so is my cavorting around by myself till all hours of the night and repeatedly stealing his car. Mwahahaha. I feel dirty.

I wish I didn't have school and work and homework and everything else so I could actually devote my time to having things like girl talk with friends and meaningful cuddle sessions with my devoted lover. I actually have too much good stuff in my life right now! gah!

I couldn't stomach coming back to an empty house right away after I drove back to Eugene so I went over to Katie and Dave's house and bummed around with them for a while. It made me feel less lonely but didn't really do anything to alleviate my hormones as they were both casually leafing through Bondage Fairies when I came over and discussing how to make a Pam costume for Katie. (She and I decided we'd go as Pam and Pfil to the next fetish party, huzzah!!!) Then Dave pulled out just about the coolest friggin comic ever, Small Favors,. Oh my god. If you like girly comics at all, read this. It is the cutest, happiest lesbian smut I've ever seen. It just made me want to jump up and down and be like "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!!!! YAAAAAAYYY!!" and then run all over the place being naked and silly. Really, it seemed logical at the time. Emily, if you haven't seen this, I totally think you would love it.

Anyhow, I don't know why I'm sitting up writing this because I really should just watch my smut at go to bed. My twisted mind can only take so much more of tonight before it becomes warped into some permanently twisted context of reality. On the other hand, I don't really think there's any way to prevent that from happening in the long run. And no I won't tell you what I bought at the party... not because it's worse than what you'd guess but because I'm saving it as a surprise. And anything that you guess can't be worse than what I already own.