Why there are no good men left
My grandmother (Oma) has this nasty habit of sending my highly ironic articles about my lifestyle. The articles are supposed to be a warning: they're all about "don't go dating in the long term," "don't live with your partner," "don't have sex before marriage," "let God show you your man," and so on. The irony is that... well... I've pretty much nixxed all of those and I'm not sure she knows. You see, I live across the country from my grandmother and while she's well-meaning, she's a bit exuberant, so we tend not to tell her things she doesn't need to know. Like the fact that I'm not Christian, I'm not hetero, I'm living in sin with my long-term partner and ... sex.... well, I'm not a virgin, to say the least. I don't know what she thinks but I suspect she may know more than she lets on. Or maybe she doesn't, she may just be wary that I'm a liberal and at risk of making ""bad life choices.""

The article was a review of The most recent article I received from her was forwarded from my mother. It was a book review of Barbara DaFoe Whitehead's book Why there are no Good Men Left. This post was originally written as a misguided rant about the intentions of Ms. DaFoe Whitehead who, in fact, I don't really disagree with after all. I THOUGHT she was blaming the self-centered initiatives of liberal, well-educated, career-minded women for their marriageless misery. Really, the review I have is just a pedestal for the reviewer to bitch about her own opinions... it's not really a book review at ALL. (It's strange though, b/c it's from the wall street journal... unfortunately, I can't find it online.) The REVIEWER makes the marriage problem out to be the women's faults. In fact, DaFoe Whitehead is simply stating a problem: there are plenty of thirty-some single women who are looking for love and not finding it. There ARE plenty of smart women who are fenagled into live-in relationships with men who have no intention of marrying them. It probably IS difficult for someone who has devoted so much of their life to building a solid paradigm and figuring out what they want to realize they they're lonely. And yes, I do worry that I'll end up pining for something I've lost when I reach 30 and discover that I've pushed away all my mates or that they've moved on to greener pastures.

I say my rant was misguided because I directed it at the author, who in fact means well but writes with a cheesy close-up self-help tone and perhaps patronizes women a bit (not nearly as bad as those bitches who wrote The Rules). I misunderstood her intent, and after reading an excerpt from the book and an interview, I think I get the gist a little better. I assumed she meant to be patronizing, to blame feminism and self-interest on unhappiness, but she didn't. She seems to support the women, just not the way they go about finding mates: namely internet hook-ups, speed dating and live-in relationships. That's not to say I don't necessarily disagree... it's just that I'm concerned with her philosophy. You see, I've already "fallen victim" to two of her dating no-nos. And I don't see anything wrong with it.

So perhaps I could rant about her book. But I'd rather rant about myself and about my grandmother's intent in sending me the article.

Obviously, I'm not looking for marriage. Most college women these days aren't. Believe it or not, this is a COMPLETE change from forty years ago. Scary, huh? Obviously, I'm someone who is attempting to find out what I want from life, romance included. I think it's pretty apparent that I'm afraid of ending up alone... but more than that I'm terrified of finding myself cornered into a relationship that I can't escape.

I guess what I have a problem with is Ms. Dafoe Whitehead's contention that, perhaps, these women should have husbands. After all, they want them. And they SHOULD be happy. But I don't think it's a problem of too few "good men." As any well-meaning male can tell you, there's certainly a lack of "good women" out there, too. (right, my fair feathered single male friends?) The problem seems to be that everyone who's on the playing field NOW has gotten off of it ten years from now and is involved in their own failing marriages, leaving the independent-minded people looking for leftovers and other soul-searchers like themselves. That is to say, society is punishing the indecisive for making the right decision. Confused? Here's some background:

FACT: Most people get married. Yup.

FACT: Most marriages fail. (That's over 50%)

STATISTIC: These "independent women" are more likely to stay single and support themselves for longer

STATISTIC: They're also more likely to look for what they want.

STATISTIC: They're also more likely to stay married when they get married.

PROBLEM: most people are already married by the time they're looking.

PROBLEM: most people get divorced.

SOLUTION: If more people WAIT to get married and LISTEN to what they want, fewer marriages will end in divorce and fewer thirty-something professionals will get shafted by the thinning population.

It's really sad that there are so many divorces. Really sad. I think divorce is a violent emotional, financial and legal affair that should be avoided at all costs. That's not to say I think one should settle for a bad marriage over divorce. Rather, I think one should avoid getting married until one knows their partner well enough to consider what might provoke divorce. People are always jumping the gun: on marriage, on kids, on their career, on everything. If they could just SLOW DOWN a bit, maybe life would last longer. No heart attacks. No high cholesterol. No divorces.

I think women SHOULD have high standards. But should women look for marriage? In a country where the divorce rate exceeds 50 percent, I beg to differ. Some people blame this on live-in relationships, other on dating standards, others on falling morals. Me, I blame common sense. Just because the divorce rate was LOWER in the 1950s doesn't mean couples (spec women) were happier, it just means it wasn't socially acceptable for them to go in search of the things that they, themselves, wanted in a relationship if it wasn't what they HAD.

Yeah, I realize accidents happen. Despite best intentions, there are always unplanned pregnancies and failed marriages. Despite the best eye, there's always the chance of ending up with Mr. or Mrs. Douche of the Century. I just wish people would THINK. It's not that modern women are too choosy or that men have gotten any less eligible, it's that people don't THINK before they ACT. At least the lonely people are thinking. At least the women waiting for Mr. Right are waiting. (Now, on the other hand, if they're pandering for marriage like Ms. Whitehead seems to be saying, they all need to figure out how many divorces they want to go through before they start testing out potential bachelors.)

That being said, I don't agree with what Ms. Dafoe Whitehead has to say about cohabitation. Her theory is that men like living together because it means that they can have a committed relationship without real commitment (read: marriage). Well, so what? What does "marriage" really mean anyway except a tax break? I'm living with my boyfriend and I have no mind for marriage. Yes, I'm only twenty (why should I?) and yes, I may someday. But I'm not in this live-in with the mind for marriage as a "next logical" (read: forced) step. I just wish that the author would have considered that only men seem to be able to be empowered in relationships and that only women want to get married. I always feel like I'm the only woman out there in the world who doesn't want to be tied down and that this makes me somehow evil. I have good intentions, I'm certainly not her 'conniving' male figure. I love my boyfriend very much! And HE'S certainly not her conniving male figure. But WE live together.

But she does seem to say one thing about cohabitation that I certainly think I agree with:

I do end up with a kind of caution about it. It often begins in a casual way, but very often one or the other [expects] that this is a start down the road toward a permanent commitment - only to discover that that might not be what the other person had in mind.

I do think there at least has to be a discussion ... about what it means and what your hopes might be. I did hear from so many women that they had a different expectation than their boyfriend and that was a shock to them.

I absolutely agree. I mean hell, sometimes I even wonder about my own intentions. You can never reduce a relationship to some simple, self-help "he said she said."

Still, I just get so sick of hearing all this marriage crap from my grandmother and these marriage-minded talking heads she mails me. I'd rather NOT be married and NOT play the field. I'm so INSULTED that she wants me to escape my current live-in (if she even knows about it, she may just have an uncanny sense of suspicion) and date around. Do I WANT to date around? If I did, I would! Someday, I may! But I really LOVE Justin and I WANT to be with him (surprise of all surprises!). I'm not "jumping the gun" here. I'm not wasting my life, as she seems to want me to believe. I haven't lost sight of my options. I simply think I'm doing what's best for myself.

Hell, it seems to me (right now) that there's no shortage of "good men" out there. I know several more than a handful, of whom I would consider lovely potential lovers, life partners, and mates. I'm blessed to think that at the age of twenty I've made good friends with a soulmate.

I'm an independent woman. I've got an education. I'm looking for adventure. I'm "career-minded" (read: not looking to pop out the babies). I have a live-in boyfriend.

I just wanna say FUCK YOU to whatever it is that's pissing me off even though I wonder if it's really that I'm scared to end up 30, finally looking, and alone. Am I taking my options for granted?

Still, I ain't gonna be nobody's bitch. Oma may have picked a decent author this time (except that the opinion of the reviewed she sent me was "NEVER live together!!!") but overall, she's way off the mark. I'm not going to be some good little Christian mommy. Period. I'm not going to be her version of a housewife. I'm certainly not going to stay a virgin til I get married (I threw that out the window when I was seventeen). So, Oma, go look for someone else to pop out babies... one of my sisters, maybe? I have bigger things on my mind.