Stormy Waters
initially posted 10:50AM, updated 2:30PM
I feel much better today after an average night's sleep. It's funny, I have something really important to write about but I either can't find time or am not in the right mood. I'll probably lose it but such is the way of things. I really need to catch up blogging. I want to post at least a bit about the dives for posterity, I need to write my thoughts about my current life state, and I want to write up a few recent events so I'll be able to remember them later. Things are changing again.

I've been feeling the threads of insanity curling around my vision lately. It's a grey mist, a sort of static hanging outside the edges of my consciousness. When I'm particularly tired or worn thin it's been moving in closer threatening submersion or lightning. I'm not sure what it will bring when it hits.. it could be murky depression (not again! ugh.), it could be a fantastic breakdown with waterworks and self-violence, or it could be a lovely, disconnected psychotic episode after which I'm only capable of speaking in adjectives. I'm opting for that last one. What it FEELS like when it touches me is static, a jumble of words and images and emotions, all the things which I've capped and controlled in my life to be able to process Too Much Information. When the storm comes, the dam will break and the floodwaters will simultaneously wash away any remains of self while restoring and cleansing the rawest, most utterly naked an spiritual part of my soul. But when that part is raw and exposed... bad, "unacceptable" things happen. I'm not ready for a mental disorder. I've been staving it off with a flaming torch and today I feel better after a night of more subconscious romps through the fields of disturbingly OBVIOUS dreams. But, like I said, it's there... waiting... cresting...

breaking?

Oh well, it's another year and another circus of obligation. It's a GORGEOUS fall day outside and just standing out there makes me close to euphoric. The campus is alive with students and today we even had JESUS-MARKETERS on our very street corner. Ahh, I love the time of year when the zealots come out. I love listening to them spout their message and reveling in the fact that I am one of those they say is "living in rebellion and sin" and I love every minute of it. I am utterly content with my SELF and with the spirit of the world. I am cradled by the diety.

I was listening to them talk for a moment and I realized that I really LIKE it when they're there. I enjoy the energy that antagonistic sermon provides. In fact, I love Christianity and I respect them for believing so strongly in a cause. I admire that. I want to feel that passionate about something. Passionate enough to devote my life to it and ... maybe even make a fool of myself?

In case it isn't obvious, I'm pretty stretched thin right now. It's hard to do really WELL at anything when there's just SO much to do. I'm taking three demanding academic classes (Japanese, Reporting, Philosophy), Ballroom Dancing, and SCUBA (although that's negligible stress and more recreation). Somehow that's all compounded and I don't even know WHY because I usually take FOUR classes. On top of it all, I'm dedicating way too much of my SELF to producing a quality magazine and at least making sure that the business end of things doesn't fall through. Too bad everyone seems to be a MORON about it except me. Well, they do say if you want something done right, do it yourself-- I guess I need to give up on that idea. I'm also working 20 hours a week at the Math department but the time spent in the office (i'm often out running errands) is usually homework time. When I get home it's more business, more homework, then bed. No social interaction whatsoever except the occasional ICQ with Alex, for whose open mind and lended ear I am extremely grateful.

I'm so busy finding things I need to do that I'm unable to do what I LIKE to do well, which is communicate. The irony is that all my obligations demand this of me but I can't devote enough passion to any one of them to make it anything but horrifically boring or tedious. I'm too drained. But I still want to check out all the options. I want to know where I should GO with my skill. I want to try everything. I just don't want to end up in an office isolated from people and from the world... some place where I can't be heard or-- god forbid-- understood. But in doing all this I've accomplished just what I fear. I've spread out all my energy so much that I can't collect it back into myself and just be human. (I want to write more on this later)

Sometimes I feel like I ought to try to step away from myself when I write; that I focus too much on my trite little dilemmas... but right now, being able to devote five minutes to my true self (as opposed to the self I show the world-- the one currently eating up the REST of my time) is the most important thing in the world. I feel "self-centered" but not the way I want to. I want to live a life in which my soul, my self, is the center... but I want to devote my time to developing a perspective about understanding the perspectives of others. I want to write.

Hum.

In case it isn't obvious, I won't be doing NaNoWriMo this year because I don't even have time to contemplate the story of my OWN life. In a way, I wish this Blog were like Parlance and I could practice marvelous, endless fictions. But, I think when it comes down to it, what I write best is LIFE. I'd like to do more of it in poetry but the best I can seem to manage now is public outcry. For some reason it's all running out my ears today and into the Blog. In a way, Blog maintenance is like self-maintenance. This is where I keep a precious little part of my brain.